we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DID EVERYONE IN CHINA JUMP UP AND DOWN AT THE SAME TIME?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BOOKS - Did they change YOUR life? * BANANAS - Apparently they laugh * FORKLIFTS - Everyone loves them. Maybe. ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Forklift trucks, Pogo sticks and bananas >> Birthday sendables << Your enterprising newsletter team continue their cut-and-paste antics with a bunch of virtual greetings card kind of things. Jibjab - the fools - have paid literally pennies for us to make this stuff. They are mind-blowingly good. Well, we would say that, obviously. Make your Ginger Fuhrer happy and check out the one where he pretends to be a forklift truck, like a Fingerbobs heavy plant hire. http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/05/02/jibjab-sendabl... >> Pogo stick mayhem << One of Butters brief tableaux pointing out the fragility and preciousness of human life. This time out it's pogoing. How long before bones snap and blood splatters, eh? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Pogo_Stick >> The laughing banana << Not much to this, iceberg's debut vid, but it has a certain je ne sais quoi. Perhaps that would be the eponymous hysterical fruit. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Laughing_Banana ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Treasured possessions Last week we asked what you owned that you'd rescue from a fire: http://b3ta.com/questions/treasuredpossessions/ Here's three that amused us, including what is possibly the first ever true story from frankspencer: * ROLEX - "I lived for years out of a single backpack and I believe there's nothing I could lose that would kill me. Losing journals and diaries would be a bit of a drag, but I'm a believer in stoicism and accepting that whatever gives you pleasure could be taken away at any time. Pleasure must be something inside. That said, who doesn't like shiny trinkets? Ten years ago I bought a Rolex. Now, everyone knows that this - along with a Porsche - is a prime symbol of the tosser. But wait a minute. It cost me around £2000, which was exactly the amount in my bank account. I emptied the account on a whim, and at the time I didn't own a house or a car or anything more than I could fit in a 75 litre backpack. I did it because James Bond wore one in the early films. Still got it, though none of my colleagues knows and I don't advertise the fact. I'm pretty much a failure in life - I'm 36 and have never earned more than 20 grand. I still owe my entire student loan from 13 years ago. But I wear a Rolex. The contradiction amuses me greatly. One day it'll be stolen and I won't be able to afford a new one. C'est la vie." (frankspencer) * THE DRINKING JACKET - "1 M&S suit jacket, second-hand from charity shop, 20 second-hand beer towels and 1 very patient Mrs Ousgg, resulted in by far the only 'cool' item of clothing I own. This modern-day harlequin's coat is warm in winter and features a range of beer-towels: there is no visible black jacket left - the only uncovered area is underneath my armpits, for reasons that involve me not having to walk around like a Cyberman. The reason it is my most treasured possession is the instant credibility it seems to bring me in any sort of drinking establishment. On the strength of one 23 quid home-made bit of kit, I have achieved the following: At least twenty pints bought for me by complete strangers. Instant (and often free when applicable) access to any pub or club in my home town. Preferential service at bars packed three-deep (It's also quite handy for order ales over deafening metal music, by pointing to the relevant part of my jacket). Impromptu invitations to join three different stag nights. And three genuine offers of a blow-job, which I felt sadly obligated to turn down due to being engaged. Although, having been married for a few months, I'm now more open to persuasion..." (ousgg) * BIT OF A DILEMMA - "The other half's cooking: I don't treasure it, but I do regularly rescue it from a fire." (Mime) >> This Week's Question << Books that have changed your life. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/books/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ugly Dogs 2008 << Daytime TV producers! Magazine photographers! Get your ass to California for this year's World's Ugliest Dog competition. There's gold in them thar dogs. http://www.sonoma-marinfair.org/uglydogvote08.shtm... >> Jaffa cakes helpline query << Our non-UK readers might need an introduction to Jaffa cakes - they are sponge-based, chocolate-topped snacks filled with (if Viz is to believed) 'the collected earwax of the McVities family.' And like almost all products in the UK, there's a number printed on the side of the box for cranks to call. This week the mentals are Adam and Joe on some radio show of uncertain vintage. http://www.b3ta.com/links/More_helpline_prank_call... >> Spongebob rectal thermometer << Speaking as parents, we understand the difficulty in making kids do things that are unpleasant but necessary. However, we probably wouldn't have designed a Spongebob thermometer that you stick up the kid's bum. To associate these two things is just weird, and surely could lead to kids sticking other toys up their arse? BAN THIS DANGEROUS FILTH NOW. Or just giggle at it. http://snipurl.com/really-bad-idea >> Boomtish web meme << Couple of sites doing the rounds this week from the 'ronseal does what it says on the tin' school. Classic comedy sound effect plus descriptive URL. We considered adding a third to this collection with 'a shave and a hair cut, two bit' but got bored looking for a suitable URL. http://www.sadtrombone.com/ http://www.instantrimshot.com/ >> Test your wife! << In the good old days, wives were rated on their domesticity. See how you, or your wife, would score. And if she scores badly then sack her! Now, WHERE'S OUR FUCKING DINNER? http://flickr.com/photos/tiabla/sets/7215760504720... >> George W Bush in advertising << Interesting examination of the way in which Dubya gets portrayed by the advertisers of different nations - totally a reflection of the way he's perceived. http://snipurl.com/cunty-face ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED LINKY Stuffing envelopes - world record attempt "Licked, stuffed and stamped – no, we're not talking about Gordon Brown. Get your probing fingers on our sticky flaps and you could win a trip to Washington!" http://riamex.notlong.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Why are web videos like Graham Coxon? They're both short and blurry.* >> Everyday Transformers << If Transformers had really wanted to blend in, this is what they'd have chosen. Fag packets and johnnies turn into evil robots and fight it out! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Transformers:3 >> Warm ice << Some sort of freaky science turns water into ice at room temperature. Extraordinary, although somewhat alarming to readers of Kurt Vonnegut. http://www.b3ta.com/links/187082 >> Shampoo ads for men << Those incredibly annoying commercials equating hair washing with sex - remade with a man. The performance really lifts an idea that, on paper, seems a little meh. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Herbal_Elements >> Newsreader flipout dance << Hard-hitting remix of news anchor Bill O'Reilly going mental on Inside Edition. "Fucking thing sucks!" BTW: We had no idea who he was before this old footage came up. But he's an angry man. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Greedy hamster << How much food can a hamster fit into its cheeks? You'd be surprised, as this vid demonstrates. Worth sticking around to the end for the whole thing reversed very quickly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Greedy_Hamster >> Powder farts << B3ta's continual research in the area of toilet humour has unearthed a massive cult on youtube of people videoing their own spectacular farting. This one is pretty good, we also enjoyed the banter as the pressure mounts. http://youtube.com/results >> Focus groups suck << Clever, funny advertising from Shreddies in (we think) Canada. A spoof campaign for a 'new' shape of the cereal meets a bemused focus group. http://www.youtube.com/watch ** Graham Coxon is 5'11", but fuck it, we made a joke and we're not letting facts get in the way. ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Three-way photo fun * SPUNKY BAKER - "Saw this bakery in Seven Kings, Ilford, Essex. Somehow I wasn't really encouraged to go in and buy something." (carolt) http://www.b3tards.com/u/a91410477068c22474f3/imag... * COCK SEX SCIENCE - "Wonderful scientific paper - who'd ever have imagined {trans-1,4-Bis[(4-pyridyl)ethenyl]benzene}(2,2' -bipyridine)ruthenium(II) Complexes and Their Supramolecular Assemblies with -Cyclodextrin would look so amusing?" (concurrency.co.uk) http://dx.doi.org/10.1021/ic0352250 * MORE SEMENY LOLS - "I was buying some bits for my bike the other day when I spotted this finely named product on the shelf." (evilmango) http://www.deb.co.uk/ukswarfega/product.aspx ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Supergroups Challenge Last week we wanted to you to create supergroups. Partly because we remembered an old Hale & Pace gag with the punchline, "Chris Straits" Your favourites included: * MUGABABES - sultry pop songbirds duet with African despot (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8352212 * GUNS 'N QUOSES - rock's dream team: Slash Parfitt and Axel Rossi (Barbarossa) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8353201 * NIRVANA SPLITS - in other news: Kurt Cobain still dead (dbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8354212 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/supergroups/ >> New challenge: Celebrity Mutants << We love celebrities. And we love mutants. So make some celebrity mutants. Or some mutant celebrities. Simple. Challenge suggested by The Neville. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_mutants// ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TARD WINS BIG PRIZE - board regular sundae_girl came first in a compo by Clipstar and won $10,000. Blimey. Well done to her! Shows what we know, eh? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thanks_folks * "THE WORST THING that has happened to me EVER is listening to Jonathan King's song about bummy sex from last week's newsletter, and finding myself bumping into work colleagues whilst singing 'There's nothing wrong with buggering boys' to myself," confesses Freddy Woo. "I am now undertaking an extensive course to Toni Basil's 'Mickey' to reset my internal jukebox." * AIR PUMP ARSE - "With regard to the video of the guy pumping air up his arse with the intention of some major fartacious action," puffs Davideo. "I used to work at a horrible mill in Horwich, and in there was an air line to blow all the airborne fibre and fluff of stuff if required, but not people. "I couldn't understand the danger and would blast the odd passing co-worker, until finally warned that I would be out the door if I persisted with this reckless and dangerous activity. "Why? I demanded. Apparently some guys had grabbed a husband-to-be on his last 'unwed' Friday and shoved the airline up his arse and gave him a quick 'surge'. He later died of the bends. "Ace or what? But not ace!" "An air embolism is more likely to be a problem if he has piles or has cut himself shoving things up there," snorts Mrs Trellis, informatively. * FROZEN SPUNK - "To answer Agent Muu's question in the last newsletter," chatters Peb, "spunk freezes at -0.609 deg C." He refuses to elaborate. * 230 MILES OF LOVE - "Your legendary media sway has been proved once again," beams 'sat-com' inventor Ajshanahan, "ITV Cumbria have been in touch about filming a short piece on it. I've said yes but asked for a rider and they're considering it." Yay! Wait, he wants what? ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Human brain cloud Type the first word or phrase that comes to mind to contribute to huge word association clouds. Score points by guessing the same as many people have before. Or simply sit, typing random words for hours with no clear idea why, as the effect is kind of hypnotic. http://humanbraincloud.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SNAIL LIGHTS - Ghoti Fingers requests, "How about putting small candles (tealights) on the back of snails as interestingly mobile lights at dinner parties. Or film them using long-exposure photography like those crappy car-light photos you don't see any more. You can track where they go in your garden." * FINGER OF FUDGE TOASTED SANDWICH - laughing about what a friend of B3ta might eat when no one is looking, we reckon it might be white bread, 4 fudge chocolate bars, covered in butter and stuffed into a Breville. Served with ice-cream. Can someone cook this for us, we reckon it could be kind of awesome. * GRUDGEBOOK - "didn't do washing up after dinner", "cancelled plans to go out at the last minute" or even the dullest, "said they'd phone and they didn't". Web 2.0 stylee, so that everyone can read everyone's grudges about everyone. Should cause a few passive aggressive lols. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by jesus.christ, Spundlemoon, Jd. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. You DO NOT WANT TO CLICK THIS LINK: http://tinyurl.com/2muzzq YEAH to b4ta. Subjlols via SkUG.co.uk ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Junk mail - "I fitted the business-end of an office shredder to my letterbox and I've not had to pay a single utility or credit card bill since." (Maudlin McCann) Stick your tips here, bollocks or otherwise: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I feel that I was unjustly sacked from my job yesterday. My boss felt that having sex with the clients wasn't "appropriate" so he fired me. That's the last time I work for an undertaker. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive