we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "I FOR ONE WELCOME OUR NEW BUMBLING IDIOT OVERLORD" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * NOSTALGIA - Beach Boys v Finger of Fudge * DANGER - Recreate Tron on your bike * CUTE - Lovely kitten sitting in a bowl ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta - Official ITV ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Fudge, Buggery and the M6 >> Finger of Fudge v Beach Boys << We're not normally big followers of teh mashup, but CCC's collision of 60s pop and 80s classic advertising made us smile. Didn't make us want to eat a Finger of Fudge though. Possibly because that was our dad's slang name for child shit. http://b3ta.com/links/Wouldnt_It_Be_Nice_To_Have_A... >> Paedophile's musical self-justification << Famed DJ and convicted child molester Jonathan King is an intermittent visitor to the b3ta forums and has posted his song 'There's Nothing Wrong With Buggering Boys'. It's a bizarre way to behave, really, courting the public's hatred. Song is quite amusing, and the b3ta regulars (unsurprisingly) rip him a new one. http://snipurl.com/omg-no [b3ta_com] >> M6 sit-com << 230 Miles of Love is a sketch show about the M6. It's also available to listen to while driving the M6, via the magic of sat nav. Ajshanahan, who made it, claims it's funnier than the Fast Show etc etc. We're just impressed with the idea of geographically-specific broadcasts like that. http://www.230milesoflove.com ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pet Peeves Last week we asked for your pet peeves so that we could laugh at your impotent rage: http://b3ta.com/questions/peeves/ * DEATH - "I find it pissing annoying that I'll have to die, and what's even worse is it will be after only about 80 years! What the fuck is going to take place that's remotely exciting in the 60 or so years I might have left? Nothing. Are we going to terra-form Mars in that time? No fucking way. Are we going to have world peace and an end to prejudice so I don't have to walk down a street without hearing some cock going on about 'bloody Poles/Pakis/Chinks'? No. Are we going to have widespread adoption of teleportation ending the hegemony of oil? No. Am I going to get any good at pool in that time? No. Are we going to make contact with an alien race, let alone for long enough to deduce their inevitably bizarre language enough that we can have meaningful conversations about esoteric topics such as 'if you go back in time 2000 years and bring back brand new vase, is it 2000 years old or just one day?' No. Will there be anything decent on Channel 5 in that time? No. Are we going to end world hunger, disease and overpopulation? No. Are we going to convert the Moon into a nuclear power-plant? No. Are we going to harness the power of the Sun so we can cure global warming by turning it down to gas mark 5? No. All those things might happen when I'm dead though. I feel like I've not so much missed the boat, as arrived at the seaport dying from a stab wound." (Cuthbert Annihilator) * CREDIT WHERE IT IS DUE - "It really grinds my gears when for example someone gets in a car wreck, they are completely fucked up, head hanging off, blood pissing everywhere. The fire brigade spend an hour cutting them out while stood in a pool of petrol that could go up any second, and an ambulance crew keep this person alive by whatever magic they perform, again in the same environment. At the hospital a team of dedicated and overworked heroes put all their energy into saving this one life. After hours of groundbreaking surgery and months of painstaking therapy the patient once again has a semblance of a normal life. Who do they thank for this? They thank God and/or Jesus. Throw them back in the fucking flames." (Buttock helmet) * 'BABY ON BOARD' STICKERS - "Yes, very good, we all now know you're fertile. Jolly well done to you. However: Do you remove the sticker when the baby's not on board? Did you really think I was going to crash into your car but had a change of heart when I saw that your darling sproglet was in there with you? Do you honestly believe that a car can be so badly mangled in an accident that the emergency services can't find a baby (in a massive car seat), and yet either the baby or the sticker will survive? And people who have 'Princess on board', 'Babe on board' and other such variations ought to have their eyes poked out with rusty skewers." (le brian) And finally, some handy IT advice from Axeman Jim: "Here's the only tech advice I am prepared to give out for free: 1) try rebooting it. 2) if that doesn't work, shove it up your arse." >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know your most treasured possession. So we know what to nick when we come a-robbing. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/treasuredpossessions/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Oyster card wand << This rather eccentric chap has decided he wants wave himself through the Tube turnstile with a flourish of a magic wand. So he's dissolved his Oyster card in nail varnish remover and aims to stuff the chip and antenna into a home-made wand. Undergroundio, as Harry Potter might say. http://snipurl.com/lolturnips >> BNP Mad Art << Anyone who volunteers to be "Culture Secretary" of the BNP is bound to be a bit of a rum type. But nothing could prepare us for the sheer insanity of Jonathan Bowden's art work. The frenetic biro scribbles in blindingly acid tones suggest the men in white coats cannot be far away. BTW: Google Louis Wain if you're intrigued by the art of the mentally ill. http://www.jonathanbowden.co.uk/gallery/album/inde... >> Retro computing gay art << Geeks of a certain age will have nothing but warm feelings for illustrator Oli Frey, whose fantasy art livened up 80s computer mags Zapp, Crash and Amtix. It seems that Oli had another interest that would have alarmed some of his teenage fans. His gay graphic novels have sinister overtones and feature tales of young boys being coerced into bumming. One for Jonathan King, we reckon. http://koti.mbnet.fi/area51/FREY/TENDER%20BAIT/TEN... >> Boobpedia << Imagine a soft porn site created by civil servants, where everything is painstakingly categorised by genre. It might look something like this. NSFW. http://www.boobpedia.com/boobs/Main_Page >> Phone-lead sheep << There's nothing more irritating than a phone flex you just can't uncoil.So why fight it. Just make some weird art instead. As Maureen Lipman might say in one of those old BT ads: 'It's for ewe-ooh!' http://www.cualquiera.com.ar/notas/arte.html >> A gift for Dickie << Youngsters will know him as the old bloke in Jurassic Park, while mature readers will know him as one of the great talents of British cinema. And a terrible old luvvie. Dickie is now an octogenarian and chances are slim that he will have either the time or money to make his pet project, a film about American revolutionary Tom Paine. But help is at hand with this site designed to make Dickie's dream come true. Currently on £700, the plan is to raise £40 million. We're happy to help the Dickmeister, but we think he'd have more luck with a blockbuster like 'Daleks v Dinosaurs (with hot chicks)' in the Hollywood of today. http://www.agiftfordickie.com ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Pigs Vs Kittens >> Bowl kitten << Extremely solemn baby cat, stoically cavorting to sate your cuteness cravings. Looks particularly good sat in tiny bowls, boxes etc. http://www.aardschok.net/dwergpoesje_nature >> Raising baby pigs << Cute little sausages frolicking together, taking a nap, drinking coffee. It really is a shame pigs taste so good. http://bestpicsaround.com/pic-1290-Raising-Baby-Pi... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Yadda yadda, online vids for da kids >> Pump up the Volume (air biscuit mix) << Yet more evidence that Jackass has a lot to answer for, with this video of a young lad pumping air up his jacksy with a bicycle pump to literally create farts on tap. We'd be interested to hear from any medics out there about the long-term effects of giving yourself an air enema. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rick re-enactment << We love this loving recreation of the dance moves and facial expressions of Rick Astley's 'Never Gonna Give You Up'. And we love his light denim blouse, not seen modelled by anyone under 40 since 1986. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Real life Tron << We worried this might be a crap tribute, but it's genius! Playing Tron on push-bikes with bits of string trailing behind you. Both easy to recreate and horribly dangerous. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Real_Life_Tron >> Foxy Bingo blog blow-up << A recent UK advert for online gambling services has provoked much comment for being, well, shit. Actually, we like the ad as it memorably sells the URL of the service, making it loads better than most advertising you see. However, interesting to catch this bitch-fight on an industry blog where the client and the creatives all pile in to argue about where it went wrong. http://tvs-worst-adverts.co.uk/foxy-bingo/#comments >> Fat bloke sings the torrent blues << Speaking as nerds who like to sing, we can't help but enjoy this ode to bit torrenting. It's the grimy room in the background that really sells it for us. http://youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now featuring 'goatse of the week' Littlefish writes - "I'm a scientist, and have to read lots of research papers. Imagine my surprise when I found what might be the world's smallest goatse on the cover of The Journal of Computational and Theoretical Nanoscience." Heh. It's nano goatse FTW. http://www.aspbs.com/ctn.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Uxbridge English Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the genius of Humphrey Lyttelton. Your favourites included: * RETARD - adj. Something very difficult in Yorkshire (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8336295 * SPECIMEN - noun. An astronaut of Italian descent (Mr.T) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8337557 * AMSTERDAM - noun. To block a large water course with a rodent (The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8335768 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uxbridge/ >> New challenge: Supergroups << Chris Rea + Dire Straits = Diarrhea. Deep Purple + Whitesnake = Purple Snake. Dick Cheney + Radiohead = Dickhead. You get the idea. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/supergroups/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TALLER OR SMALLER? We asked for a quiz on relative celebrity heights, and Mr Bojangles has delivered. "I bring you 'Play Your Height Right' with that cunt Forsyth," he beams. "It was my first ever attempt at flash from about 4 years ago." It actually starts well but you do sense his enthusiasm waning as it goes on. Making it last for 64 pages was possibly the fatal mistake. Still, it's pretty entertaining. http://www.auue47.dsl.pipex.com/pyhr/pyhr.html * CORY DOCTOROW MENTIONS B3TA - We got tipped off that the cult web novelist had given b3ta a "good mention" in his latest book, 'Little Brother'. Inspired by some sort of star-struck frenzy we searched the entire body of text and came up with: "I also bought a NEVER TRUST t-shirt that had a photoshop of Grover and Elmo kicking the grownups Gordon and Susan off Sesame Street. It made me laugh. I later found out that there had already been about six photoshop contests for the slogan online in places like Fark and Worth1000 and B3ta and there were hundreds of ready-made pics floating around to go on whatever merch someone churned out." Oh well. Literary immortality achieved, we guess. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Dinorun Cute, retro-style running game - keep your tiny dinosaur ahead of the pyroclastic wall of death, else you'll go extinct! Extremely quick and gets very tense when you're just one step ahead of fiery doom. http://pixeljam.com/dinorun/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SPEED CAMERA PROTEST - can you fool a speed camera into taking a photo of you by running very fast? Or wearing rollerskates and holding a large paper cutout of a car? Could make an amusing video maybe? As beaverwastemanagement suggests, "I suspect an entirely non-criminal act would be more time-consuming and annoying for the authorities than kicking the fuckers down." * AT WHAT TEMPERATURE DOES SPUNK FREEZE? - a simple question posed by Agent Muu. * TWO CUPS ONE BAG - a site to promote the FACT that you can make two cups of tea from one bag. Yes you can, it's not pikey. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tu9, valerie_hitler, pj_renwick, rwillmsen, flannery, boldswede, nirmeth, Becky Armstrong, magicspoon, Churba. Top Tippery by jonoton. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ys and Ts to b4ta. (oYo) Subjlol via the_rhyme_minister, mastheadlol via riverghost. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Keyboard prankery Not so much a tip, as something you can do to really annoy a co-worker. Take the gubbins out of a musical Christmas/birthday card and stick them inside a keyboard. They don't need much power and they can be run by connecting them across the LED for, say, Caps Lock. We all know that key is a crime against humanity so for repeat offenders try it with one of the sweary cards you can get. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit." http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive