we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "THE SOUND OF MUSIC 2: THE VON TRAPPED FAMILY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: TOON - Cat Face 7 VID - Flappy lips READ - Weird Wikipedia ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "NEVER MIND THE BALLOTS ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Raspberries, Rap, Hotlinks and Cat Face >> Flappy lips << "Students and posh camera equipment should never be given an excuse to mix," warns t0mki. But why not, if this classical aria of rubbery, slow-motion raspberry-blowing is the inevitable result? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Flappy_Lips >> 'Would Like to Meet' << "My mates and I did this drunken sweary hip hop thing," confesses DaveTheTriffids, "About our desperate loneliness and general sense of self loathing." It's an unsavoury Midlands-based lonely hearts ad. http://www.b3ta.com/links/183397 >> Italian politico hotlink madness << "An Italian politician called Francesco Storace stole one of my pictures and hotlinked it," complains Occulus. Briefly, this means he stole the pic to use on his website but left her to pay the bills. She asked him to stop. No response. "So I swapped my picture of the Pantheon for one of him receiving it up the bum courtesy of Berlusconi." Hehe. http://www.sionmc.com/storace/stealing.htm >> Cat Face 7 << This latest instalment sees Jonti's macroephalic hero hounded by wildlife documentary film crews. Silly David Attenborough. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+7 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK When animals attack Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted your tales of dreadful spiky-fanged death. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/animals/ * HAPPY FINISH - My mate D spent some of his gap year working in a wild animal sanctuary in Malaysia. One day he was happily cleaning the area next to the orang-utan enclosure when suddenly a huge, hairy orange hand reached through the bars of the enclosure and grabbed him round the back of head. He froze, having been told the best thing to do if grabbed by one of the animals was not to struggle as most would then think you were dead and drop you. However this didn't seem to have much of an effect as the orang-utan then slowly but surely began to pull him towards the cage. D twisted his head round to come face-to-face with Omar, the biggest and most bad-ass of all the male orang-utans in the sanctuary. Now in fear of his life, he then noticed something worse. Omar was only holding him with one hand because he was furiously wanking himself silly with the other. (I just went out to feed the pigeons) * TICK - My friend John and I were in Bangladesh and we got lost in rare style. We found ourselves in a jungle, and, to cut a long story short, two days later we ended up in a hotel in Chittagong. We splashed out on some luxury, but on inspecting my shoulder to see why it was so itchy, I found I was infested with ticks. Tugging them with tweezers didn't work, as their heads gripped very tightly. John, damn him a thousand times, at that point "remembered" that the way to get rid of ticks is to burn them off. Holding a lit match to your skin is never fun at the best of times, but holding one under your earlobe is simply awful. The worst moment came when I thought I had finished, but then realised that a tick was in fact sucking on my scrotum. I was being tea-bagged by an insect, and the only way to stop its advances was to hold a lit match to my balls. The bathroom filled with the smell of singed pubic hairs (and howls of laughter from John). The next day we happened to come across some doctors, to whom we told our story. They smirked, shook their heads and told us that burning a tick leaves its head buried under your skin. We could look forward to some nasty infections, and sure enough for months to come the bites were gushing pus. The one above my nipple wept so much that four months later someone pointed out that I appeared to be lactating. (I grew it myself) * KITTY KALAMITY - I brought it upon myself. I once bit the cat on the stomach. Think facehuggers from alien. CLAMP. Mum couldn't get her off because she was laughing too hard. (ClanSoul) >> This Week's Question << Pet peeves. What makes you angry? Tell us so we can laugh at your impotent rage. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/peeves/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Kittywigs << In case your feline companion is struck down with a debilitating case of the mange before that all-important dinner party. Or perhaps just to 'spice things up' around the... oh god, we don't know why you'd want to dress your cat up. But this is the place. If it was real. http://www.kittywigs.com/wigindex.html >> Neverland at night << Slightly creepy gallery of pics, taking you by the hand and leading you round Michael Jackson's notorious, private amusement park. http://www.flickr.com/photos/tunnelbug/sets/721576... >> The weird side of Wikipedia << Massive chunk of read-y goodness; wikipedia's list of articles considered unusual. If we were smart we'd keep this secret and grind about 5 newsletters'-worth of ideas from it - it's a gold-mine! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wikipedia:Unusual_art... >> Coffin Couches << Enterprising company that converts 'factory damaged' coffins into gothic sofas. Soft furnishings with an inappropriate aura of menace, as if they scuttle round the room on their spindly legs and creep up behind you when you go to put the kettle on. http://coffincouches.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Grrrrrrrr! Bears! You know one of these little scamps could easily take an arm off but it doesn't stop them being quite delightful. We wonder why they're being so lovingly reared; our guess is they'd all make a lovely Russian hat. http://englishrussia.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : E4 Bonus sponsored linky Who said traffic wardens can’t rap? Click below to see more at E4.com/webheroes http://tinyurl.com/6ha6re ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Stuff that's almost funny if you're simple >> Metronome experiment << Ever wondered how to synchronise 5 metronomes? Maybe you're a bit deaf and one isn't loud enough? Help is at hand with SCIENCE. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Synchronisation >> Visual bromide << In a clip that's enough to put you off sex for life, we see what really happens when a man and woman 'make love'. Very NSFW and very, very disgusting. http://snipurl.com/dontwatchthis >> Facebook nightmares made real << Taken from BBC Sketch show "The Wall" that, for all we know, may be great or may be a bit shit (like Lily Allen and Friends). Anyway, this sketch is spot on and sent a chill down our collective spines. Not just because we know idiots like this, but because we're all a little bit guilty ourselves. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook_in_real_life >> Billy Connolly pisstake << Billy Connolly was vaguely entertaining in the 70s when he swore a lot and did ridiculous songs like "In the Brownies". Now he's had too much therapy to be properly funny, yet still pops up on screen doing his rambling monologues without punch-lines. This perfectly captures the intrinsic lameness of the contemporary Connolly. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Billy_Connollys_Bullshit... >> Floating head lol << This starts off by looking like some rotten student film complete with inept special effects. It then turns into pure psychodrama. And if that wasn't enough, it ends on a song. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Twin Towers conspiracy parody << We've all seen our fair share of theories about why 9/11 really happened, so we love this next clip, complete with CGI worthy of an Amstrad GX4000. http://b3ta.com/links/REAL_proof_that_9_11_was_all... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gladiators Challenge Last week we wanted to know what Gladiators: Extreme Edition would be like. Your favourites included: * TERMINAL 5 - The Travelator proves unpopular with contestants at Heathrow (enceladus) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8315578 * SPEIGHT - while over at St. Pancras, the latest challenge takes its first victim (dbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8320312 * TOM CRUISE - finally, the Hollywood action hero tackles an opponent his own size (The Hedgehog From Hell) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8330121 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gladiators/ >> New challenge: Uxbridge English << In tribute to the great Humphrey Lyttelton, this week's challenge is to expand the Uxbridge English Dictionary. We shouldn't have to explain this. Challenge suggested by clorey mcnuggety. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/uxbridge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MAKE YOUR OWN PUMPKIN FACE- VampireMonkeyOnSpeed retorts, "From a 1938 issue of "Popular Science" the first step is to make an aluminium mould of the face, I assume this is done by placing a sheet of aluminium over the face and beating it into shape with a hammer." http://snipurl.com/boris * RETRO-GAMING SPAT - "Bruce Everiss has deleted around 180 posts from his original blog, and subtly edited other posts to skew the argument in his favour," informs bertybop909. "Luckily, someone preserved the original thread before Bruce butchered it in his favour. Even better, they've produced a web-page that shows the original thread side-by-side with the edited version, so people can see exactly the extent Bruce went to to hide/edit comments from his detractors." http://worldofstuart.excellentcontent.com/brucewor... * SHED LOAD OF DATA - Linbox geeks out, "Just kind of interesting in a techie way: The stats from my host made interesting reading during/after my shed made it to the newsletter. It also shipped about 1.6Gb of data in 7 days, compared to 42Mb for the whole of March... Yay!" And indeed woo, and we hope you lose your virginity soon. (Sorry!) http://www.fivelaws.demon.co.uk/shed-hits.jpg * FRUIT OF THE PENIS - last week we asked you go grow oddly-shaped veg. Of course you're all too lazy and just reached for google instead. jbarlow_jb ejaculates, "These peppers taste quite nice as well, always a surprise for people to find a whole one in a salad." http://www.g6csy.net/chile/peppers/pene.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Perfect Pitch Game Being crap musicians we've delighted in playing this 'can you guess the note' game, and we've concluded that we haven't got perfect pitch (far from it), but our relative pitch is fine. Woohoo. http://detrave.net/nblume/perfect-pitch/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INTERNATIONAL TALLER OR SMALL - just been reading this great wikipedia page that has the average heights of different nationalities. Could be a great game here - like Bruce Foresight does higher or lower, but very vaguely racist. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_height * DISPOSABLE HEROES OF HIPHOPRACY MASH UP - been amusing ourselves all week singing, "Cbeebies, the drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and feeding radiation." Could be a great video - cutting from Michael Franti bombastically denouncing TV, and clips of In The Night Garden and that dickhead Justin who's on everything. * KEYBOARD PRANKS - swap the n and m key on your mums keyboard. Or install Linux. Mums love linux. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bad Horsey who moaned that we didn't credit him last week for well, being bad and also being a horse we suppose, seekew SockCooker, netkiller2005, and not forgetting stevepiercy. Subjlol from Ad7. Mastheadlol from barryheadwound. We also liked 'A product of the untalented, sold by the unprincipled to the utterly bewildered' but it was a bit long. Thanks art of work. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Scaryduck is QOTW bloke. B4ta is secret, don't go hunting for weird URLs. Yes, we mean YOU b3tard. (clicky pen) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the most sensitive part of your body when you're having a wank? Your ears. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive