we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WELCOMING THE PAEDOS THAT FACEBOOK BANS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Philip Schofield on drugs * GREYBLOKE - Gets groomed * WEEBL - Guide to Biscuits ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Other than semen stained rags >> Phillip Schofield on drugs << "I made a video/tune out of Phil Schofield clips," gurns Swede 'are you on one matey?' Mason, "In which he raps about loving crack and heroin. It used to be on YouTube. Phil ended up seeing it; two days later it was gone. So I stuck it on Myspace instead." This is very entertaining, but has the vibe of kept in a sealed box since 1992, and maybe that's why we like it so much. http://snipurl.com/hellobroomcupboard >> Greybloke gets a Skype call<< You'll start of thinking this is a bit boring, then it suddenly becomes utterly foul and very funny in an extremely wrong way. We won't spoil it for you, just enjoy it. http://b3ta.com/links/Grey_Bloke_gets_a_skype_call >> Horse Manure << Your newsletter team has been thinking about the various methods used to stop Mr Spitty from spitting too quickly. We reckon Sting uses horse poo. BTW: This is the fifth and final episode of our Mr Pitchy series, for now anyway. http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-1133... >> Weebl's guide to biscuits << It's fair to assume that Jonti Picking lives on biscuits, and if he doesn't he knows far too much about them. We love this tribute to the food of the gods, and have given Jonti's details to the producers of BBC3's Freaky Eaters. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/Biscuits/ >> Happy Birthday war << "Here's a video that I made with Mitch Benn," boasts adamjamesbromley, "to mark the 5th anniversary of the Iraq war." If you like politilols, then this is right up your Downing Street. Even if the singer does look like John Prescott in a blonde wig. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Shit Stories, part poo Last week we pressed the shit button and our users started telling stories like they were on Ex-lax. Lots of long, involved stories about poo for you to read: http://b3ta.com/questions/shitstories2/ * SHITTING OFF A BRIDGE - "I used to know a guy called Marcus who defined the word disgusting. After a very heavy night, Marcus found himself on Richmond Bridge waiting for the train station to open. Around 5am, rowers began splashing their way upriver. In a moment of sicko genius he decided to take a shit on them: crouched on the concrete ledge, it took all his concentration to control the push and balance at the same time. It was all the more difficult as he was physically trembling with laughter. A subtle change in the sound of the boats as they came under the bridge and his morning glory took flight. "What the fuck?" "Errr, you sick mother," came the shouts below. He'd managed a direct hit on his first attempt. Laughing too much, his balance started to go and despite flapping arms, he almost instantly fell off the bridge into the dirty water below. All credit to the rowers - they pulled him ashore, made sure he was alright... and then took turns kicking any remaining shit out of his body. The last thing he remembers was the expanding anus of a burly rower about to take a shit on his face." (kiss.me.where.i.poo) * WHAT'S GREEK FOR SHIT? - "On arrival on Zakynthos, we were solemnly instructed to put the tissue in the bin after wiping, and not down the ancient Greek plumbing. 11 days later we were talking about how sorry we felt for the maids having to empty the used tissues from the bin. Silence reigned for a couple of seconds, then Suzi piped up, "Hang on, what do you mean 'putting tissue in the bin'? You haven’t been flushing your poo away, have you? You're not meant to put any solids down the toilet or it'll block the drains!" It turned out, that Suzi hadn't listened very well. Instead of passing her jobbies into the toilet, she'd been diligently folding tissue paper in to her hand, pooing on to that, and depositing the whole shitty, tissuey mess in to the small bin by the throne. She left the maid a big tip." (Devil_In_Tights) * THANK YOU VERY MUCH - "My ambulance was sent to a woman complaining of abdominal pain. My partner Fabio and I can handle a lot of gross smells but this smelled like the patient had done a shit, vomited into said shit, let it ferment in piss for a week, added a heaped tablespoon of vinegar flavoured rat cum and then re-ingested the lot and shat it out again. There was shit on the sofa, shit in the carpet, shitty hand prints on the walls, shit all over the patient (who had passed out and was lying in the shitty shit) and there was shit in the shit. Fortunately, my partner was patient care officer on this job thus enabling me to tread shit whilst alternately making fake dry retching noises and laughing at his genuine retching. About a week later we received a thank-you card from the patient which surprisingly did not smell of shit. She was very embarrassed by the whole situation and was profusely apologetic. Before my partner saw the card I forged an extra line of writing which said: "Fabio, did your thumb slip up my arse because of the shit or was that just a way of stopping me doing any more? Either way, it was nice. Call me." I added a couple of brown thumb prints to the card courtesy of Cadbury's. He actually dry retched on reading it, which was nice." (emadex) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your DIY disasters. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/diy/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Fantastic MAD fold-ins << A classic feature of MAD magazine, and arguably the best thing in it, fold over the pages to reveal a hidden image and message by artist Al Jafee. We were left a bit confused by some of the more US-centric references, but it's all very clever stuff indeed. http://snipurl.com/foldybollocks >> Ric Flair Finance << In the UK it's TV brainbox Carol Vorderman inciting the poor to hazard their credit. The US, however, prefers someone a little more... energetic. The poor, sad little "woo" he adds to his sales spiel made us feel sorry for him though. http://ricflairfinance.com/ >> Pretty, pretty light graffiti << Some truly impressive effects in this galley of 'light graffiti" culled from Flickr. To try it yourself you'll need a torch, a camera with a long exposure time and, er, darkness. http://abduzeedo.com/awesome-light-graffiti-pictur... >> Incredible frivolous lawsuit guy << Jonathan Lee Ritches is a US convict who is passing his lengthy jail term avenging himself against the US court system with an endless cycle of bizarre lawsuits. At last that's what we assume. Cases range from suing Brad and Angelina for kidnapping Madeleine McCann, to going after Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner for paying their taxes (which he alleged went to funding his incarceration). Perhaps it's all a surreal joke, perhaps he's actually mentally unwell... no-one can say for sure. http://news.justia.com/cases/jonathan-lee-riches/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Kitten goes to bed "Oh to be a kitten", news TIAL, "where the serious business of chasing a toy ends in finding oneself neatly tucked away for bed time." http://snipurl.com/kittensleeps ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO And remember next week, YOU could be the star! >> Monkeys on Motorbikes << If we were wearing our PC hat, we'd say this is animal exploitation, from dreadfully economically-disadvantaged people for the entertainment of crass western tourists. However, fuck it, we're B3ta, and it's a monkey on a motorbike FFS! A monkey on a fucking motorbike!!! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Alien abduction << No one at B3ta HQ can drive a car or pass a driving test, so imagine our mental trauma on watching this rather fantastic short from Pixar, Lifted. Shown before Ratatouille in the cinema, and if you're one of the two people left in the world who haven't caught that movie yet, then watch that too, for it comes with our prestigious 'ideal bank holiday' movie award. http://www.cyberthing.net/video-play.php >> Drunk Jeff Goldblum << In 1999 Jeff made a series of ads for Apple and some naughty internet pixie has slowed down the audio 30% to make him sound completely pissed. Yourzzz mah besstestss frriendds etc etc. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Orange peel teeth trick << We all did this as kids, but this man does with an unnatural precision. He's rather too nifty with a knife for comfort, and has the worryingly precise air of Gunther von Hagens. Still, nice to be reminded of a cute little trick. We also recommend doing similar with chewing gum and peanuts. http://snipurl.com/orangeballs >> Walk of death << El Caminito del Rey (The King's pathway) is a ruined path along the walls of a gorge in Spain. After four people died at the turn of the millennium, the local government closed off the entrances. However this intrepid filmmaker and raving lunatic decided to walk on the wild side. Few vids make us as feel as sick as this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dangerous_Pathway >> Remember Noseybonk? << If you're British and in your 30s, you may remember this from kids' telly. It's bloody weird and only unintentionally funny. We're not sure if the "nosegay" seeds was a deliberate joke, but we certainly laughed out loud when six giant cocks - we mean noses - sprouted from their individual pots of muck. http://uk.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now featuring Amazonlols quarterly * SPAAKY KIDS - Stephen Joyes belms, "My brother had a leaflet posted through his door a few weeks ago for a company called SPAAK. It's not exactly a politically-correct word at the best of times but these people decided it would make a good name for a children's afterschool/weekend club!" http://snipurl.com/spakkyflickr * PENETRATING WAGNER'S RING - an oldie but goldie from the 'amusing reviews on Amazon' series via David Beckett. "When I initially came across Wagner's Ring it was like a revelation. I couldn't quite put my finger on it - but I wanted to." etc. etc. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/030680437... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the famous babies challenge Last week we wanted to see famous people as infants. Your favourites included: * MR BEAN - this image is terrifying (Pob_mk2) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8221689 * KERMIT - it was never easy being green, especially in the early days (Beardo) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8224532 * SOCK - not just for Christmas (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8221556 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/babies/ >> New challenge: Third World America << Use photoshop (or Microsoft Paint if you must) to predict the effects of global recession on the lovely US of A. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/thirdworldamerica/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CELEB BABES IN THE STAR - Er... that would be the UK tabloid covering b3ta's 'Celebrities as Babies' image challenge - and with a nice credit too. Amusingly, they do describe the pics as the work of 'a computer whizz'. http://www.b3ta.com/board/8240974 * KENTISH TOWN MUSIC VIDEO - "In response to your plea for NW5-based pop vids in last week's newsletter," parps Seb, "here's the Ed Wood-tastic promo for 'I Want To Go To Borneo', the debut single by my band The Inconsolables. QUAKE! as a giant hamster marauds around Kentish Town, attacking taxis, phone booths and quality ladies-wear emporium Blustons. GASP! in amazement at the special FX. And WEEP! as Noel Fielding gets nibbled to death." http://www.youtube.com/watch * NOB SIGS - Mikemystery answers our call for cock and balls names with a brilliant example from occult japester Aleister 'Great Beast' Crowley. Can you uncover anything better? We're told that Mohammed al-Fayed also has a phallic sig but no examples were forthcoming. http://tim.maroney.org/CrowleyIntro/Images/Signatu... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Burn the rope "Have you received about 5000 emails about this yet?" asks tismselfstorage, "You should have. It's the best game ever." Heh, he has a point, we enjoyed it muchly and wonder if it's making not-so-subtle reference to Portal. http://www.mazapan.se/games/BurnTheRope.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ADULT-UP MOVIE - mictoboy ponders, "seeing your link to porn cartoons got me thinking. I reckon it must be possible to insert bits of hardcore porn into otherwise tame sex scenes from mainstream movies, to 'dirty up' the sexiness - Last Tango in Paris with proper money shots; Don't Look Now with anal penetration. For my money it could seriously improve otherwise rather dull cinema." * RICKROLL BBC NEWS - greem requests, "I read in your latest newsletter about the plan to rickroll an entire railway station. Interesting though this is, I think it can be taken further. You may know that Radio 4's six o'clock news starts with the chimes of Big Ben, which are broadcast live from a microphone in the clock tower. This microphone picks up other sounds around Parliament as well - occasionally you can hear a police siren going past. So, if a large group of people were to assemble in Parliament Square just before 6pm on a pre-arranged day, and sing very loudly in the general direction of Big Ben at the right moment, they could successfully rickroll the news." Heh, good plan, and we had no idea the BBC were wasting OUR LICENCE PAYERS MONEY on live broadcasts of the chimes when they could just use a bloody tape. * OVER EGGING THE PUDDING - thinking about this odd little phrase and we've never eaten a pudding with too many eggs. Maybe you'd like to see what cake comes out like if you add 16 eggs? How many eggs is too many? Only science knows the answer. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Just noticed that the BBC iPlayer has a volume control that is one louder and goes to 11. Stuff sent in by jessekillerkay, gronkpan, neal.atkinson. Tip Topiary by "when cutting your hedge into the shape of a penis, take a photo of your cock for the model, rather than waving your old chap all around the front lawn." Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjlols via HappyToast, mastheadlols from Ad7. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: If you're bored and want to find out something amusing, go to www.imdb.com and in the search criteria type in the word wanker. (Ravage monster) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: It's been confirmed that Dawn French has contracted the Ebola flesh-eating disease. Doctors have given her 27 years to live. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive