we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE TOLD YOU LAST WEEK ALREADY: IT'S POSITIVE!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COOKING - Curing meat in a CRT * CHALLENGE - Make graphs tell YOUR truths * VIDEO - Delia Smith cooks spam ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta: it's a ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Woo, yay and all that stuff >> Safety campaigns << You know Cyriak for his mentalist animations. We know him for posting on our board under the name Mutated Monty and causing us random complaints from people who doesn't realise they are the same person, "There's a guy on b3ta ripping off Cyriak's work" they say. Ho hum. Anyway, here he is editing a couple of very disturbing TV ads and making them even more frightening. It's video psychosis and we're genuinely glad not to live inside his head. http://b3ta.com/links/when_road_saftey_campaigns_c... >> Curing meat in a CRT << "I made biltong," boasts Redbull_(UK) "that's addictive, chewy, air-dried, South African beef. And I made it in a 15" crt monitor." Blimey, this caused great debate amongst the newsletter team, "But biltong is disgusting," said newsletter Dave. "At least he's found an actual use for a 15" CRT monitor," pointed out your Ginger Fuhrer. And so it's in. http://biltongbell.blogspot.com/ >> Jonti poos himself << Picking has been amusing himself with the quandary "do bears shit in the woods?" and to potentially give away the punchline the answer appears to be "Yes, they fucking shit themselves stupid." Nice animation though. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/A+Walk+In+The+Wo... >> Indie schmindie Facebook song << Friz 3.0 has been on a song-writing mission recently. There's a mean one where he moans that the band Scouting For Girls use obvious chords in their songs, but we will get linky with this dissing of Facebook that many of our readers should be able to recognise. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facebook:2 >> Arty farty video << C_kick, probably best-known for the headphone cats, has been going mental with typography, sequencing the lyrics of a Ben Folds song to a fuckload of typey stuff. Quite a change of direction, but enjoyable, if not kitteny. http://snipurl.com/songysong ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Nerdery Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked just how nerdy are you? The answer it seems is "nerdier than you, dumbass": http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/ Whilst we liked door frames's story of buying a Trek outfit in Ann Summers, there're no photos to prove it and we always enjoy when people put up pictures. Here's three who did prove their nerdiness, posing for the camera: * THE NERD WHO GOT MARRIED AS DARTH VADER http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127469 * THE NERD WHO GARDENS AS A STORM TROOPER http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post126905 * THE NERD WHOSE HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY/FASHION http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/post127363 >> This Week's Question << We've re-opened an old question this week. What are your Guilty Pleasures? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltypleasures2/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> God moral maze << A "know yourself"-type quiz that attempts to catch you out in your views of God. Made by Christians, but fascinating nonetheless. Actually started a long philosophical discussion amongst the newsletter team with Dave's view of God being an all-knowing, all powerful being and Rob's strange refusal to entertain the idea of a being more powerful and intelligent than himself. Oh well, beats jacking off to squid porn anyway. http://www.philosophyquotes.net/cgi-bin/god_game1.... >> Cool design site << Need to pick up a few tips on web design? Help is at hand from Mark Chaffer, who's an expert in DTP, video, animation, web pages and photography. We particularly rate Mark's animation skills, and hope to learn a few tricks from the master. http://www.chaffagraffix.co.uk/index.html >> Origami ceiling cat << Possibly the best B3ta accessory, the cut-out-and-make Ceiling Cat. There's one on the B3ta ceiling now, well there would be if had a ceiling. But we've chosen a hobo life, beneath the stars. http://snipurl.com/lolcats >> Sperm for tickets << Simple idea right - young men want to go to music gigs, and young men don't bother donating sperms, so swap swimmers for tickets and Bob's your uncle. Well exactly, and it's been so over subscribed that they've had to close it down. Surprising nobody. http://www.spermfortickets.com ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Insert funny headline here please >> Spam casserole << UK TV fans have been watching Delia Smith cook for years, teaching us how to boil eggs, and more recently how to prepared tinned mince. We're loving this mocking clip from some BBC4 thingamabob. Dreadful food is always one of our comedy triggers. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Amy Shitehouse << Kids - stay off the crack pipe, it stunts your growth - just look at Amy here. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Walrus Jacko << "Amazing bit of walrus choreography; this pinniped is nearly as slick as the paedophiliac Gloved One himself," writes luvtub amongst others, in the link we give the coveted title, 'link that more people emailed us than anything else, other than the news that Sara Cox is naming her son Isaac.' http://www.todaysbigthing.com/2008/03/12 >> Pot noodles / not poodles << It's a shame that Pot Noodles are shit and we wouldn't feed them to a dog because often their advertising is excellent. Why can't good stuff, like bananas and apples have such clever promotion? http://b3ta.com/links/Pot_Noodle_Chav_Spoof_of_Gui... >> World's worst advert ever? << You know when Steve Jobs does his expo thing and releases a new version of iMovie and then demonstrates how great it is with a touching video of some family holiday? We're kind of imagining this with Bill Gates demonstrating Windows Movie Maker... http://uk.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now incorporating 'rubbish logo weekly' * WEIRD LOGO We're guessing it represents a hose for connecting your penis to a shower cap. "Look! We don't wash our hair in piss!" FYI, the company makes ticket machines. http://www.incifra.it/ * MAX WANK Oof, wank as a surname, been there, done that, but he's a German politician and seeing his grinning face over the name "Max Wank" makes it look like an advert for lube. http://www.toytowngermany.com/forum/index.php ------------------------------------------------- : NEWS-STAND OF THE WEEK 10,000 Child porn images! This local newspaper is seemingly including unusual freebies to boost sales. Our source, Alex reveals, "The same newspaper ran a cheesy baby photo comp at the end of last year, with promotional posters blaring 'Enter Baby Of The Year Here'... I think they have issues!" http://snipurl.com/kiddypornyeah ++ BONUS CLIPPING OF THE WEEK http://www.b3ta.com/links/All_is_right_with_the_wo... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Comics Challenge Last week we wanted you to make newspaper comics funny. Your favourites included: * SPY vs SPY - classic old-skool comic meets international incident intrigue (HappyToast) * GEORGE & LYNNE - previously unseen art featuring the nation's favourite couple on a rare Portuguese break (new_matt) * PEANUTS - just like the rest of us, sometimes Charles M. Shultz just got out of the wrong side of bed (StickFigureNinja) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/ >> New challenge: Graphs << We all know graphs can prove anything, so prove YOUR truth. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/graphs/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * JOEL'S NEW AD - the Veitchmaster has been busy in the kitten gymnasium filming this Crusha ad. "I really like it," he adds. "Although I'm finding it a bit painful looking at it in low-res, as I did the whole thing at 2k film spec (which is just slightly bigger than 1080p HD) and then they dropped that requirement for it to be that big. So, I'm used to it looking really cool and sharp and high-res, and of course it will never be seen like that by anyone else." http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_did_an_ad_with_kittens... * HUMAN BLACK PUDDING - We asked for it in a newsletter of yore. Now it seems some German army chappies have been tempted by the highly delicious concept of black puddings made with their own blood. But now face charges of cannibalism. http://snipurl.com/nazicunts * RAMPANT INFLATION - mrdirtylegs has responded to our call for stuff being inflated. "I consider myself something of an expert in the field of inflation with water," he explains. "Here is an aquaglove;" http://uk.youtube.com/watch * LEATHERGIRL - we thought girls should be able to enjoy using utility knives too. Turns out there already is one - the Miss Army Knife: http://snipurl.com/fireboxtwats * MATAZONE - we were checking in on long-time b3tard Matazone. What really boggled our minds though was that he seems to have somehow crossed that fine line that divides making web-nerd animation and ladies' underwear. Check it out! http://corsets.matazone.co.uk/index.php * RAMPANT INFLATION II - "Pumping up a bike inner tube: Yes, you can burst it, especially with a big free-standing pump from Halfords that's probably actually a lot more powerful than you really needed." informs Andrew Stevens. "If you are going to try it, for fucks sake wear ear defenders. I thought I'd burst an ear drum when I blew up my girlfriends bike tyre by accident." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * UNSINKABLE POO - Puromycin asks, "We've all experienced floaters which pop back up after flushing, so I'm asking B3tards to alter their diet to work out what is the ideal foods to consistently create buoyant stools." * SUPERSIZE CONSUMER TEST - we were looking at the sweet rack in Woolworths the other day and briefly wondered about the value for money on super-size Mars bars. Do you get more chocolate for your money? What about those jumbo Kitkats? C'mon fatties - do some science. * TIP-EX VS MARKER PENS - how high can you get using only the items found in your stationary cupboard? Send your linky missives via the internets. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: What's the difference between flowers and AIDS? We didn't give your mum flowers, so if you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we laugh at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Post-op: [email protected] Co-op: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collapsibletank, chunderbunny, lesbilicious.co.uk, terryeden, gary_robinson, and Fat Tony. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. I bet no one reads this bit, but seeing as you've bothered, I'll tell you a secret: I'm not a rapist, I'm just a little deaf, you can't arrest me, that's discrimination. Subjectlinelols from the impossibly-named "Your watch is still saving for 5K but". ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Dissatisfied with your job/partner/life? Get used to it. It's like this until you get old. Then it gets worse. (frankspencer) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I just lost at Hangman Didn't know the place name. _____ | | | O | /I\ | / \ |----------- B R _ D G _ _ D http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive