we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HERE ARE THE RESULTS TO YOUR AIDS TEST" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HUMAN ZOO - Oldest swinger in town * CHALLENGE - Make newspaper comics FUNNY * QUESTION - How nerdy are YOU? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Every time you ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Ewan McShitter, Irish jigs & fucking ringtones >> "I wish my wife was a horse" << Your Ginger Fuhrer and his pet lol turnip Dave have been hard at work cutting up bits of paper and writing songs. This week it's all about Prince Charles and his equine lusts. http://www.comedybox.tv/comic-video-mr+pitchy-1119... >> Jamsack Ringtones << Irked beyond measure by those annoying mobile phone ringtone ads, Ornsack has knocked up this mocking response. We really like the format - it's an excuse to bang out rapidfire jokes for as long as you like. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jamsack_Ringtones >> Davidoff meets Trainspotting << Beau Bo d'Or finds inspiration in Ewan McGregor's humongously cheesy recent aftershave commercial. He's right - the soundtrack fits extremely well with an iconic scene from Trainspotting. http://snipurl.com/ewan-mcgregor >> Irish music montage << "I made this for Paddy's Day," claims jonholland and we see no reason to disbelieve him. It's a video montage of him plucking out single notes made into an Irish jig kind of thing - very jolly. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Have you seen a dead body? Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked if you'd ever seen a dead body? All too many of you have: http://b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/ To cheer you up, here's yes_slash_no's handy tips on dissecting bodies: * YOU LOOK LIKE FOOD - Muscles: bits of tuna. Chest cavity: smells oddly of lamb. At least we're not as bad as the vet students who nick off with bits of cow for supper. * FORMALIN DOES NOT SMELL GOOD - It does not smell good in the dissecting room. It does not smell good on the crowded tube home. It does not smell good after you've showered for half an hour and used an entire bottle of Satsuma Bodywash. * LUNGS CAN EXPLODE - When removing the top of the ribcage, if it really isn't coming off, giving it a good yank is not an approved technique and may result in fragments of lung landing in your hair. * IT ALL LOOKS THE SAME - Not quite, but nearly. If it's yellow and slightly hard it's fat. If it's reddish pink and striated it's probably muscle. If it's red and squishy, it could be anything. If it's red and stringy, erm, a vein or a nerve. Or an arteriole. Or a ligament. Or just a strand of muscle. Something like that. * IT'S REALLY BORING - You'd think it all taboo and forbidden, especially with the Catholic Church forbidding it for like a bajillion years, but in fact dissection is kind of dull. It turns out that people are in fact more interesting alive. Even old people. * ACCEPT YOUR MISTAKES - If, say, you accidentally cut off the belly button and you really weren't meant to, and it needs to be attached so you can use it to reference the location of everything else you see... just live with the fact that you screwed up. DO NOT TRY TO REATTACH IT WITH GLUE. This is important. You will only make everything worse. >> This Week's Question << How nerdy are you? Yes, we are honouring the death of Gary Gygax by revelling in our collective nerdiness. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/nerds/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Conspiracy Friday << Anyone who's been to a party containing under 30s in the last five years will have met some intense bloke banging on about how 9/11 was an inside job and we should all download the Loose Change video, to SEE THE TRUTH. Amusing parody here, involving, err, trains. http://loosetrains911.blogspot.com/ >> Trippy photos << HDR photography allows several levels of exposure in the same photo - so that the bright bits are as visible as the shadows. You can do this yourself by combining several pictures in photoshop, or by using specialist equipment. Whichever method you choose, and we're looking forward to trying out this ourselves, the results can be absolutely stunning. http://abduzeedo.com/20-beautiful-hdr-pictures >> Write an album in a month << Our friend MJ Hibbett recently flagged up the Fawm site, mentioning he was joining their challenge to write 14 songs in one month. Sadly we didn't have time to check it out whilst the compo was on, but in the last week all we've been doing is listening to this fantastic outpouring of creativity. Our only criticism, is that there isn't a March challenge that we could join in on. http://fawm.org/ >> Garfield minus Garfield << We've covered Garfield edits before, including one where they removed the cat's speech bubbles to give the impression that Jon - the owner - was just some mad rambling cat man. The latest revision of this meme is to remove Garfield completely, making Jon look, quite frankly, like a paranoid schizophrenic. BTW: We've enjoyed this so much that this week's challenge has taken a similar theme: make newspaper cartoons funny. http://garfieldminusgarfield.tumblr.com/ >> Bad photoshop << Not all users of photoshop are as clever as the B3tards, some people (instead of sticking cocks on kittens) have to touch up celebrity photos for promotional crap. And sometimes they are completely cack-handed at their jobs, so look and learn from their terrible mistakes. http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/ >> New ways to be paranoid volume 12 << Web dickheads like us are emotionally obsessed with stats, many a webtard has found himself in therapy going, "but my new piece of genius only got 40 hits." So it's alarming to know you can now find how many people have seen each page on Wikipedia each month. E.g. 5487 webmongs looked up B3ta in Feb, whilst only 3003 people bothered looking up Channel 4 newsreader John Snow. Which is a WIN for us, although we're much less popular than Fred West or Harold Shipman. The limelight-stealing cunts. http://stats.grok.se/ >> Shittest flash game ever << We could describe this, but it would spoil the joke, so instead, here's a joke that's (for once) suitable for kids: What do Mexicans keep under their carpets? Underlay, underlay! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fun_little_flash_game:2 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby monkeys "OMG cutez0r!1!" shouts Shiodome, "I've been pimping your newsletter to my partner's parents purely on the strength of 'things that make you go ahhhh" cuteness. (it's generally safe to let them browse through the other vile puerile filth, as they're in Tokyo and their English is crap). They've been asking for more cuteness and sent me this to remind me there's untapped cuteness reserves still out there." Um, to shoot ourselves in the foot, they do know about cuteoverload.com don't they? http://snipurl.com/babymonkeys ------------------------------------------------- : LEAVE THE PC ALONE AND GO TO A GIG Jonathan Coulton plays Dingwalls We've just had an email from a PR company. Normally, we stick this stuff in the bin, but we recognised the name and read it. Jonathan Coulton, the blokey who wrote the fantastic song at the end of Portal is playing a gig in Camden, London on Thursday 20th March. Tickets cost £15 and are available via clicking around on his site. Although, assuming the PR person (hello Annie Day) is good to her word, your newsletter team are going for FREE. Ha! We knew there was a good reason for starting this damn site. http://www.jonathancoulton.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Kids' music remastered << Entertaining spoof advert for an album of nursery rhyme covers by bands that parents prefer. Also contains an excellent Guns'n'Roses McDonalds jingle which, frankly, Maccy D's could do worse than actually use - beggars can't be choosers. http://snipurl.com/axlroseanagrams >> Michael Jackson's big white glove << Even more odd than you'd initially assume. The erstwhile prince of pop sings Billy Jean wearing an enormous, clown-like glove. This is just one of a bunch of arty-farty things made by nerds fixated on Jacko's idiosyncratic dress sense in the original video. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Giant_white_glove_experi... >> Cat 'of a Thousand Faces' << Singularly unimpressed feline barely tolerates owners' attempts to alter his appearance for comic effect. Admit it - cats have a repertoire of just three faces: 'bored', 'wants something' and 'batshit crazy'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cat_of_1000_Faces ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Dirty old man Calling all TV producers - the race is on - who's going to pitch a documentary about this man to BBC3 or Channel5 first? Meet Uncle Dirty, a cock-obsessed octogenarian, who makes home-made porn, frightens people on the beach in his padded thong, and sticks penises onto his favourite magazines. Lovely. http://lovebryan.com/features/uncledirty.php ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the New Logos Challenge Last week we wanted to update corporate logos. Your favourites included: * PAL - a walk down memory lane as we revisit the petfood format wars (Haku) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8109278 * BACARDI - rebranding to appeal to the nation's binge-drinking teenagers (dbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8111795 * JELLO - bouncy bouncy bouncy bouncy fun fun fun fun fun (onephilosophy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8113706 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/ >> New challenge: Newspaper Comics << Let's face it, Garfield, Andy Capp and Marmaduke are all crap. You can do better, right? Challenge suggested by BubaMan. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newspapercomics/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * HITLER SALARIES - As we probably should have mentioned in the write up to that crap careers website last week, it pretty much works for any word you care to put in. Thanks to the many people who pointed out how well-paid you are if you're a cunt: http://www.indeed.com/salary * MR BEAN BANK NOTE - We erroneously claimed that it was from Indonesia. In fact, it is a note from the Philippines, says Filipina LynISGanda. "It is a Philippine 5-peso note, now defunct and replaced by a coin version," she continues. Doh. * OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - It was one of our 'things we want to see next week' and b3tard Alex has only gone and shelled out for the domain. "It was all your fault, I'm the highly suggestible type!" he cries. Now he's after people sending him business cards from defunct companies for him to scan in. http://www.outofbusinesscards.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * STRING A GUITAR WITH RUBBER BANDS - might work, something to fill a dull Sunday with anyway. * RAMPANT INFLATION - Pumping up a bike inner tube, can you make it burst? What about a car tyre? Could make some nice little videos - it would be quite tense and exciting, waiting for everything to blow. * A LEATHERMAN FOR LADIES - with a tweezers, mascara brush, eye-liner pencil etc. Call it a Leathergirl. Quids in. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by ed boucher and, oh, loads of other people. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. 4dam crowned Miss World for his subjectlinelols, with second prize of Mastheadlol to Manic. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: At self-service tills put everything through as loose potatoes. 500g of potatoes weighs the same as 500g of muffins, but costs a lot less. (digital observations ) http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: How does it change many dyslexics to take a light-bulb? http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive