we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR INBOX IS A JERSEY CARE HOME AND WE'RE THE POLICE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - Eggnog pancakes * QUIZ - Guess my crime * LOLS - Things white people like ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "The font used by Durex ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Eggnog, Cake, Shopping and Tea >> Eggnog pancakes << "I wasted a recent Sunday afternoon making myself sick", proudly boasts Mr M, "I wondered if it's possible to fry eggnog, so I decided to put it to the test." And the result? "The eggnog pancakes were almost tasty, but a bit sickly." Points awarded for the comment "it tastes like burnt" and appetising photos that could grace the Observer Food Monthly - give this man his own cooking show. http://snipurl.com/dont-egg-him-on >> Joel's internet fatty video << Mr Veitch is serving a musical meal to B3tards, progressing from singing about Hover Bacon, to a lyrical dessert entitled "I like cake." Having actually dined with Joel on many occasions, we know this is a lie, as he usually chooses a meat dessert. Really. We've seen him eat a main course of ham followed by more ham for afters. And when people ask for coffee, Joel asks the waiter for extra ham. http://icanhaz.com/cakey >> Jonti vs Mike Skinner << For reasons best known to himself, Picking has morphed into a northern version of The Streets. If you enjoyed his first Late Night Shopping trip then give this a go. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Late+Night+Shopp... >> 2 Boys 1 Cup << A very British answer to that most famous of internet movies, 2 Girls 1 Cup. The overacting amuses us so props to RichJohnston for that. http://www.b3ta.com/links/2_Boys_1_Cup_and_SFW ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Instant Karma Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and complete horse shit into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked you you explain your thoughts about the Hindu concept of Karma. Next week we're doing The Mysterious Pastimes of Mohini-murti. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/karma/ * COLD TURKEY - 'One Christmas I was investigating the fridge when I discovered a huge bowl of brandy butter. I was about to reap the rewards of my find, when my sister walked into the kitchen. "You shouldn't eat that", she said flatly. "Oh really!?" I asked, "and why not exactly, will you tell?" I then performed a dance around the kitchen table clutching the bowl, while I sang "will you tell, will you tell, WILL YOU TELL????" At the climax of this performance I scooped an enormous handful of the stuff into my mouth, which turned out to be translucent wobbly chicken fat.' (browser) * GIMME SOME TRUTH - "I work with a man who is utterly abhorrent. He's an arrogant American chap who, at Christmas, rammed his version of festivity down the entire office's neck. This included lots of tinsel, a singing nativity set and an advent calendar that he guarded WITH HIS LIFE. So, one of the guys ate the largest chocolate (designated for Christmas Eve) and left a note (link below) in its place. I'm not sure it's strictly karma, but it was fucking awesome." (Fictional Emma) http://img89.imageshack.us/img89/5083/spa0148ys0.j... * GIVE PEACE A CHANCE - "I'm a firm beliver in Karma. So much so that when bad or unfair things happen to me for no reason, I go out and kick a child in the face, just to balance things out." (FerretTrout) >> Have you ever seen a dead body? << This week we're asking about cadavers, corpses and stiffs, so it should be super-lols all round. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/deadbodies/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Guess my crime << Entertaining name-and-shame-based website. You get the mugshots - how good are you at judging people's inner criminal? The weird thing about this is how unrelentingly cheerful they all are. http://guessmycrime.blogspot.com/ >> Celebrity money << Apparently this is a current craze in the UK - folding over banknotes and matching them up to people's pictures to create half-man, half-Queen monstrosities. Actually, some of these ones look quite convincing. Who would have thought the Mr Bean look was so popular in Indonesia? http://snipurl.com/notable-people >> Stuff White People Like << Tongue-in-cheek outsider's guide to dealing with whites. We particularly like the bit about recycling. "The best advice is that if you plan to deal with white people on regular basis either start recycling or purchase a large blue bin so that they can believe they are recycling." http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.wordpress.com/ >> World's worst science fair projects << It's like a Fat Chicks in Party Hats where the afflicted write their own mocking captions. Poor kids. But: "Crystal Meth. Friend or Foe?" Heh. http://snipurl.com/sciencetwats >> The Man Who Thought He Was Bill Murray << Peculiar, short, stick-figure animation about a clearly deluded man. It does that robot-voice thing that we hate so much. But just towards the end something rather odd happens and we had to watch it all over again. http://whereisthemoon.com/words/15 >> Hitlers earn decent money << We were mildly tickled to see that this employment website is clearly doing a little recruitment work for a Fourth Reich. Hope the medical plan is good. http://www.indeed.com/salary >> Bacon cups << Not getting enough mileage out of your bacon? Looking for a special new way to drink champagne? Bacon cups are the answer and you'll find your instructions here: http://www.notmartha.org/archives/2008/02/27/bacon... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO This week, lamenting the loss of Stage6 >> Paper Animation << Your newsletter team of Rob and Dave have spent the last month cutting up bits of paper for a new project called Mr Pitchy, we can't show you yet, but we're dreadfully excited by it. Hence, we're now mildly obsessed with paper-based animation, including this marvellous technique expressed here: http://www.javanivey.com/my_paper_mind.html >> "Hello Sophie, would you like some air?" << Bizarre film of someone pumping compressed air into a dog's face. Ms Doggie can feel the force but can't see a thing and literally attacks thin air. 10 lols out of 10. http://www.b3ta.com/links/162708 >> Argument to Beethoven's 5th << Lovely bit of old B&W film showing a married couple arguing, every accusatory thrust of the finger timed to a jab of an orchestra. An idea so strong and well-executed it completely transcends the stiff hair and clothes of period detail. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Argument_to_Beethovens_5... >> Hai Karate << It's all in the build up - our old English teacher would have called it bathos, but we call it OUCH! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Best_Karate_punch_EVAR ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Nonce Paolini! FFS! Nonce! Cynthiakennedy writes, "I give you the top commercial broadcaster in France, TF1 CEO Nonce Paolini. Can you imagine what it must be like when he goes through passport control in the UK?" http://www.bouygues.fr/us/fiches/cv_noncepaolini.h... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Moustache Challenge Last week we wanted you to celebrate the humble lip fringe. Your favourites included: * ISLAND - a worthy winner for its cunning use of landscape (mictoboy) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080618 * YMCA - Lord Kitchener, updated for the disco era (strontium190) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8081721 * MONEY - striking fiscal development of the celebrated 'sleeveface' meme (Spunky McPunk) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8097541 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/moustache/ >> New challenge: New Logos For Old << These days when a company fucks up there's no need to apologise, just get in some graphic designers and re-brand. We at B3ta are generous to a fault, and rather than see these companies spend millions, we'd like you to come up with new, better logos that sum up the companies you love to hate. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/newlogos/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BEER-BARREL R2 D2 - b3tard Amoebaboy has been crafting a beautiful, antique-style droid. Now he's thinking about getting rid of it, with quite a few cash offers coming in. Or maybe a raffle. Anyway, check it out - it's lovely: http://www.b3ta.com/board/8080326 * STICKS AND BALLS - In our gleeful rush to write up the golfing double-entendre film last week we neglected to mention that it was an entry for the Straight8 competition. It's a method of making films without editing and the annual competition can be found at: http://www.straight8.net * LOW-FI JURASSIC PARK - Another b3tard riffing off the Be Kind Rewind meme. Ornsack's 'dinosaur' special effects are particularly amusing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Jurassic_Park_Sweded * WANKOMETER - Last week we pondered the results of attaching a pedometer to your wrist when indulging in self-love. "My wrist apparently travelled 1.4km during one session, and I burnt a measly 56 calories," confesses Humpty Dumpty was Pushed. "I was about 15 at the time." * SLEEPING RABBIT IS DEAD! - Our cute section last week was subject to a cruel hoax, claims b3tard The Troubleshooter. It was actually footage of a rabbit having a heart attack, reversed to give the illusion that it had awoken from a deep sleep. He has take the trouble to re-reverse the tape by means of illustration. Hmm. Not sure which side of the fence we should come down on that one. It's a little disturbing, for sure. http://www.youtube.com/watch * MORE INTERESTING GUARDIAN BLOG - Rather than giving the blog to that gap year guy that everybody hated, "Why not try the bloke off the news a few weeks back who was walking to India with no money?" asks harry kumquat. True enough, especially as the scheme seems fraught with peril. No money? No money at all? Christ. BREAKING NEWS: he's given up because, not speaking a word of French, he was unable to convince them he wasn't a vagrant. Oh dear. http://www.justfortheloveofit.org/pilgrim.php#52 * MONEY TEA - "I really wouldn't recommend it. Ever," warns nowhere elysium. "There's an alarming tendency with old people to stuff money into their mattress, as opposed to putting it into a bank account. "Imagine the scene: Doris has been putting aside random tens and twenties for 'a rainy day'. Of course, these go into/under the mattress, because it's an incredibly safe place, apparently. "Now, Doris, being old, does the likely thing, and dies in her sleep. Poor Doris. Of course, being a bit of a shut-in, Doris isn't discovered for some time. So, her bed has not only become a death bed, it's had a dead person on it for a few days/weeks/whatever. What do dead people do when unsupervised (Mark Dixie-alikes aside)? They rot. And seep. And leak. "All manner of horrible dead person juices seep over the notes which they have cunningly secreted in their bed. "Note: I haven't made this up. I used to know someone who had worked for the Bank of England, and this is a depressingly common occurrence, I'm told. That, plus the huge amount of drugs that are snorted using notes, you can kind of imagine that they get a bit minging after, ooh, five seconds?" That's us told. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Ball thingie In what is probably our favourite flash game since Kebabtris, comes 'Filler' which defies description but if it was available on our mobile phone we'd never get off the bus. http://www.freegamesnews.com/en/games/2008/Filler.... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something awesome and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * OUTOFBUSINESSCARDS.COM - an online art exhibition of the business cards failed web companies. * PHONE RING/VIBRATE BATTERY TEST - Agent Muu writes, "As I am drunk I wonder... what takes more energy for a cell phone; to vibrate or to ring? Surely the energy needed to rotate the little thingy that makes it vibrate takes more... torque, or something. I don't know. Maybe someone does?" * A CAMPAIGN AGAINST SERVIETTES - forget all this stuff about too many plastic bags, why is it whenever we buy a sandwich, about six napkins are doled out with it? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by thelivinggrahambond, Dr-Mx, a username, collapsibletank, Veovis, We are the lemon and Don_Elliot. Geeky font facts from gaijintendo_. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Subjectlinelols via mutster101. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Athletes! Draw attention away from the fact that you've taken steroids by running really slowly. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's long and hard and makes women groan? An ironing board. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive