we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PIG MEAT - IT'S SNORTY BUT NICE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Have you witnessed a crime? * WEEBL - Alien rapist in cupboard * VIDEO - DIY Star Wars ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Estate Agent, Star Wars, Women and Religion >> Estate Agent << Here's Weebl with what we can only presume is the first in a series of day-in-the-life blog-style animations. At least, this is what we imagine his everyday life is like, with the music and, er, brightly-coloured things. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/The+Estate+Agent... >> Star Wars with boxes << Low-fi sci-fi. Ah, we're so pleased with ourselves for writing that we almost can't be bothered to praise this cardboardy version of the Lucasfilm epic. But that would be wrong - nice work from Parrott and the cave monsters. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Sweded >> Grey bloke on women << Madriot's deadpan hero gives us the benefit of his insights into feminine psychology. As longtime fans will be aware, graybloke is currently very single and spends every waking hour in a chair in front of the internet. http://b3ta.com/links/Grey_blokes_thoughts_on_wome... >> Religious leaflet says you're a murderer << Not so much a 'made' as 'found on the doormat and scanned in', but a good spot by Furness. Its method for encouraging you into church is... a tad confrontational. http://www.furnessworld.com/ReligiousLeaflet.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Mix Tapes Last week we asked for stories revolving around mix tapes you'd made for people, despite loads of our younger readers not knowing what the hell we were talking about. So read 'itunes playlist' if you like new rave. http://b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/ Usually we'd list three short, funny stories to cheer up your Friday afternoon. This week we want you to go and make a cup of tea, take the phone off the hook and settle down to A Bean Countin' Man's life story. You'll need some tissues: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/post120496 And here's one funny story to lighten the mood a little: * ROCKY GOES FOR A JOG - "I put a collection of uplifting, motivational music on my ipod, for jogging around a local park in the evenings. Mostly completely shocking things like The Final Countdown, the new Batman theme and some crap euro football song called Campione. Which resulted in me fighting off a mugger to "Eye of the Tiger". It was the single, greatest moment of my life. Lost my wallet though." (The Holy One) >> This Week's Question << Have you witnessed a crime and done nothing about it? Or are you the have-a-go-hero type beloved of the tabloids? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/witness/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like made by people we hate >> Crayons Reviewed << There's a school of thought that all this photoshop nonsense is really a step backwards from using pencils, scissors and glue. Reactionary thought maybe, but that's our opinion after reading this humorous review of crayons from the conceit of computer users not knowing what a pencil is even for. http://blogoscoped.com/archive/2008-02-11-n78.html >> Obligatory comedy Amazon item of the week << What kind of idiot would want an adjustable book holder fitted to a car steering wheel? A big stupid idiot that's what. BTW: whilst we're mentioning crappy Amazon lols, we recently had to buy some rope to fix a washing line, and a quick look online to find some prices, and was amused to note the 'customers have also bought' list consisted of about 5 books and DVDs on bondage. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000EX3N5C/... >> Catholic fancy dress costumes << The problem with modern fancy dress costumes, according to these Christians at least, is that it's tantamount to dressing kids as child whores, so why not dress up your kids as the pope or your favourite saint. As the site points out, "Little boys just seem to be drawn to the dramatic. For older children portraying St. Francis, add blood for his stigmata." Frankly, if the prices were a bit cheaper and it didn't cost so much to import from the states, the Ginger Fuhrer's first born would now be dressed as a small pope. http://snipurl.com/minipopes >> French Underarm Hair Blog << Zut alors! Le Frenchies femmes are le stinky avec under arm cheveu! Ok, we all know this, and real men don't mind the odd pit of pit tash anyway, but what kind of pervert blogs every instance of hairy marys in film? The type of pervert we like to feature in the b3ta newsletter, that's what. BTW: True connoisseurs of this type of filth are directed to Siouxsie & The Banshees performance of Dear Prudence. Just saying like. http://aisselles.canalblog.com/ >> Worst Guardian columnist ever? << "Either this is a spoof, or the Guardian has fucked up enormously", barks Grey Kid, "But the stream of vitriol comments already being aimed at 19-year-old backpacker-blogger (and very possibly son of a Guardian travel writer, it transpires), 'Max', is promising to make this one of the funniest blogs on the Internet. He hasn't even set off yet, and people are falling over themselves to destroy him. 430+ comments! hahah, there were like 30 when I first saw it." http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/travelog/2008/02/skins... >> How to fuck dogs << A link included simply because it pleased your Fuhrer's wife - not that she has sex with dogs, not in our living memory anyway. http://www.zoophile.net/howto-k9-sex-02.php ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINKY DUEX The dance-off. It’s on like Donkey Kong. We all reckon we can cut some serious shapes on the dance-floor, but this lot are really worth checking out. Our money’s on Caroline, a housewife from Pott Shrigley who spins 80’s robotics like she’s baking biscuits. Priceless. http://tinyurl.com/249h2p ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO B3tamax lols >> Luminous drummer << Bloke covering himself in glow-in-the-dark paint to become a sort of musical stickman. Interesting effect, also nice drumming. http://b3ta.com/links/My_friend_is_pretty_good_at_... >> Charlie Brooker is right about everything << Loving paean to the evergreen Guardian columnist and TV pundit. We like the idea of him being horrified by the idea that he has acolytes. Great chorus on this btw. http://snipurl.com/the-brooker-prize >> I Love Noodles << Two guys competing to see who loves noodles the most. Beautiful and moving and can you see where this is going? http://www.explosm.net/db/files/Movies/daveshort2.... >> Krankees revival << Well no, clearly this isn't but that does add a certain frisson to the WTF factor of this peculiar gimp and midget dance number. http://www.b3ta.com/links/158859 ------------------------------------------------- : NINTENDO DS HOMEBREW Ever since we bought our DS we've wanted to be able to play emulators on it (or even dare we say, the odd hooky download), but the solutions offered were really hacky. The great news is the R4 finally solves this - just copy your downloads to a mini-sd flash drive and plug into the DS cart sized adapter. No weird software, bridging devices or cables required. We're mentioning this as we've just bought one and it's reawakened our love for the DS. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000ZLYGC... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Instruments Last week we wanted you to genetically engineer animals into musical instruments, sadly we don't run a newsletter for rogue scientists, so you used photoshop instead. However we quite liked the following: * SEAL CLUBBING - Bass! Polar can you go! Nice work from Butters here (we like him, he drew the shitting thing last week.) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8042364 * GORILLA PLAYS COLLINS - probably what Cadbury's actually had in mind when they commissioned their last round of advertising. (Tapeworm) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8044309 * MORE COWBELL - call us catchphrase cunts, but we can't hear Don't Fear The Reaper without playing air cowbell. Yep, we are losers. (dbroon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8042026 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalinstruments/ >> New challenge: Scientology << Poor old Scientology, mocked by almost everyone, only B3ta can save it now. And with friends like us, it doesn't need enemies. So praise be to Theta and here's to the new regime of Sciento'lol'ogy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scientology/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * DUST - Apparently we were guilty of spreading false information the other week in claiming that dust is mostly human skin. "Household dust is in fact almost entirely comprised of insect waste, pollen, sand, fine-particled food such as flour and dirt and the dander of animals whose skin sheds at a faster and greater rate than humans," informs Jimbotfu. "The "bacon/meaty" odour of heaters is in fact primarily a mix of the smell of the heating coils themselves and spider shit http://www.livescience.com/mysteries/070208_dust_s... * UNREAD POST - Postman Yamon writes to tell us that a blog showing other people's undelivered mail would be legally dicey. "It's naughty in the extreme," he warns. "Until the missive is delivered to its official recipient it is classified as property of HRH Liz mk2 and tampering with her property is tantamount to treason, the last known hangable offence under UK law. "What I am legally bound by the terms of my contract of employment to tell you about what we refer to in the Office as, "Dead Letters", is thus:- 'If you receive a letter that is for a previous occupant or for someone that is unknown to you, please write, "Addressee Gone Away" or, "Addressee Unknown", on the exterior of the letter, then at your own convenience, post it back into a post box where it will then be sent for reprocessing.' "Reprocessing means it'll end up back on your Posty's work frame, where he/she then has to put a red sticker onto it, date it, tick a box, sign it, then send it over to a bloke with a big piece of blue chalk who then validates it for return to whoever sent it in the first place. If that sounds like a bit of a pain in the arse then let me assure you that it is. So a good way to really piss your Postie off is to save up 6 months' worth of dead letters, then plop them back into a postbox all in one go with ,"Unknown", scribbled on them. "My own unofficial stance is one of, 'Fuck it. If it was important then they would have let the sender know that they have moved in the first place.'" * WE ARE STARS - Or so says Freakpower's Ash who has been riding the waves of internerd love after the newsletter plug for his gig the other week. "They've been telling me I'm A-list now," he beams. "I hope I won't have to shag that Jordan." Woo! ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Hooray! and Boo! game 'When me and my mates were kids, we used to play the "HOOORAY! and BOO!" game,' roars fazza99, 'The rules are pretty simple: Someone suggests something that makes everyone go "HOOORAY!" and someone else has to come up with a answer that makes people go "BOO!" e.g. "My folks are going away for a week (HOORAY!) My baby-sitter's Gary Glitter (BOO!)"' Or if you fancy your Friday gaming treats to be new school, then we've been enjoying this. It's on the web and everything. Woo hoo! http://www.flashninjaclan.com/zzz883.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * KNIT YOURSELF A HAT - using the gunky hair in your shower plug hole. * WATERING CAN TRUMPET ORCHESTRA- as a kid we look a few trombone lessons, and there's a certain way to purse your lips to get a note out of the damn thing. We also found it worked quite well on our mums watering can. Maybe you could fill it with different levels of water to produce the notes of the scale. Or maybe not. * CRUFTS FOR WIFES - it's not just about looks, it's about obedience. And a few impressive 'tricks'. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Double 2, the_log_knows, MrGomez, intesvensk. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser 'Not Frasier' Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW some chick. Masthead quotey bit from gfreeman. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "I have a top tip for your newsletter", chirps Lumpbucket, "If you put an After Eight on top of a chocolate digestive, it tastes exactly the same as a mint Viscount biscuit. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What do you call an African who doesn't have AIDS? A virgin. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive