we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IN A MOMENT OF MADNESS I TOOK SEXUAL ADVANTAGE OF THIS NEWSLETTER BUT I DIDN'T KILL IT." next issue » « previous issue THIS WEEK KIDS IT'S: * OMG - Coggy lols * PICS - Rainbow puke * CHALLENGE - Animal instruments whimsy ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Tearing your fragile ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We love you mister ad man - talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Punchlines, poos and some bloke called Tom >> Punchline Piracy << Goodiebag Kirby continues his Jane Austen-like skewering of social convention, tackling head-on the awkward problem of 'punchline piracy'. Experienced raconteurs will immediately recognise what he's talking about. http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/09_punchline_pira... >> Crap Animation << Disgustingly poo-themed animation from b3ta king of dismay Butters. Smooth jazz soundtrack, distressing imagery. Just to clarify btw, it's drawings of poo, not actual animated poo - not saying that we don't get sent that, of course. http://b3ta.com/links/A_Crap_Animation >> Tom's Tales of Brilliance << Animated glob of comedic fun that's eclectic even by our standards. Slightly overlong intro, sit tight though, as Scrambled Edd heats up the action. Inventive. http://b3ta.com/links/Toms_Tales_of_Brilliance ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Stalked Last week we wanted to know if you'd been stalked or done some stalking yourself: http://b3ta.com/questions/stalked/ Serious subjects seem to bring out the long-but- worth-reading answers that are ruined by squeezing them into a tight-fitting newsletter. So here's three shorter, funny ones for you: * WELL, THEY SEEMED ALRIGHT - "We met a couple on holiday - he was a bit of a "fiveskin" but she seemed really pleasant. Good company. Until they started "joining" us in restaurants and bars, whether we liked it or not. Turned up everywhere we went, ate the same food, and drank the same beer. They'd keep us sunbeds, right beside them. "Where are we going tonight?", they wanted to know. We haven't decided yet. We'll wait in reception for you, then. Oh dear. We hung about in our room for hours, hoping they'd get fed up and go out by themselves. No such luck. After four hours, there they were, all gussied up for the night out. For the next ten days, everywhere we went, they were right behind us. We tried saying we fancied a quiet, romantic meal. For two. They still waited for us. Our tolerance lasted until the final night. Sitting at the table, nice meal inside us, a few beers have gone down. Then fiveskin asks his question. "Fancy coming back to our room for a foursome, then?" I choked on my beer, and couldn't say a word. Mr Witch had no such problem and suggested that they fuck right off. There and then. Before he got angry. We never saw them again. You may be wondering why we kept wanting to be alone and reacted with horror at the suggestion of a foursome. Aside from the fact that we don't share... This was our honeymoon!" (TheWeeWitch) * THE PIED PIPER OF STOCKPORT- "Tonight, I picked up my little girl from her school disco. The DJ had decided to finish with the conga: A big snake-line formed across the dance floor as all the little darlings follow the kiddie in front of them with the DJ leading them all. The DJ in his infinite wisdom decides to venture off the dance floor and weave his way all around the chairs, with ankle-biters still hot in pursuit. Until... one little lad halfway down the line sees his Mum standing there with his coat, all ready to leave. He does what any 4 year old does and runs over to his Mum, puts his coat on and follows her out of the door. What she didn't realise is that all the kids behind would keep on following. Cue absolute chaos as all the children leg it outside following the fabled Pied Piper of Stockport." (brocky) * I'M BEING STALKED BY A DOG - "A proper one with four legs and fur. I found her living rough and starving. I gave her some dog food, so she followed me home. I never let her in the house, but she refused to leave, just sitting in the garden staring at me through the glass door for days. It rained and she just sat there in the pouring rain, looking even more miserable. I'm a sucker for animals so had to let her in. She was overjoyed. The intention was to feed her up a bit and find a new home for her. Four months later, she isn't officially "my dog", but I am definitely her master whether I want to be or not. She refuses to let me out of her sight, being in the same house isn't enough, it has to be the same room. Even going for a crap means having to leave the door open. If I close it, she'll lean against it and make it rattle with her nervous shivering. I'm currently away on business: she's at my sisters house, and is spending all day lying on her blanket in a deep miserable sulk. Guess I'm stuck with her now. (dave likes cheese) http://snipurl.com/woofywoofter >> This Week's Question << Ever compiled a collection of songs to express your feelings for someone? What happened when they got it? Did someone send you a bunch of crap music to make them seem more interesting? Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/mixtapes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The evolution of tech company logos << Interesting article showing some rather bizarrely clunky-looking corporate identity from companies we now associate with slickness. We particularly liked Canon's awesome original logo with a 1,000-armed bodhisattva surrounded by flames. http://snipurl.com/bass-howlogocanugogo >> Mentalist business manual << A lot of these books purport to have distilled the secret of achieving success. In a sense, this is no exception, being some 400 pages of "Work hard, keep going, focus" and variations thereof, in a fashion somewhat reminiscent of The Shining. Brr. http://snipurl.com/keepclickingnextpage >> World map of Prince Philip gaffes << Wonderful use of the Google Maps API to provide an interactive atlas of locations that the outspoken royal has stuck his foot in it. We must say, we have a soft spot for old Greeky and his penchant for enlivening dull social functions by insulting anybody nearby. http://snipurl.com/hes-the-gaffer >> Rainbow puke << Lots and lots of multicoloured art, inspired by the beautiful and poetical combination of rainbows and vomit. http://www.rainbowpuke.com/ >> Coggy lols << This clockwork-motif poster for Manchester Metroshuttle warrants a second look. Just what are they trying to say about the service? Is this some sort of subversive marketing satire? http://www.b3ta.com/links/156427 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Although we prefer betamax... >> Domino trick shot << Initially, this doesn't look all that impressive - if you were allowed dominoes on a pool table we could be world champions by now - but the trick just keeps on going, long after you were expecting. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fuck Planet Earth << Trailer for the lavish David Attenborough nature-fest redubbed with the F-word. Sort of reminded us of Four Weddings and a Funeral, although we're fucked if we know why. Anyway, the photography's great! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Fuck_Planet_Earth >> 1,000-car computer game << Surprisingly pretty race-game footage, superimposing images of 1,000 vehicles going round the track. They look a bit like water and it's quite restful. http://b3ta.com/links/1000_cars_racing_at_the_same... >> Facial flex << Poor infomercial shills; the crap they have to put up with. This 'face gymnasium' takes the cake, with presenters having to fizz effusively while having their cheeks stretched in a peculiar manner. Good job they appear to have no sense of shame or embarrassment. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Facial_flex ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now featuring... 'I spotted a rudey' Jonnyfatman informs, "I was watching '1983:the brink of apocalypse' on More4 tonight and about 70 minutes in it showed a soviet spy keying a 'secret code' into his calculator. That code was... 55378008." Which, as all schoolboys know, is one of the best phrases to type in to a calculator, and here's the clippy on youtube if you're calling chinny reckon. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Pylons Challenge Last week we wanted you to play around with pylons. Your favourites included: * AT-AT ACCIDENT - possibly the most voted-for challenge entry in the history of the galaxy (tribs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8017428 * SOUP - a new twist on an old joke (The Neville) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014820 * SKIPPY - look a the little pylon, see him bounce (HappyToast) http://www.b3ta.com/board/8014540 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/pylons/ >> New challenge: Animal Instruments << We love animals, and we love music. Can you imagine what a wonderful world it would be if one was used to produce the other? Show us the tuna trombone and the otter organ. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animalinstruments/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * INSIDE-OUT TOYS, God_of_the_Mind blithers, 'A couple of issues ago you posted an article called "Mutant toys", with the inside-out teddy bears. Well I had a crack at it myself and took before and after pictures. Have a gander. The question begs, "Have I just ruined a perfectly good teddy bear?' http://www.robmanuel.com/2008/02/08/inside-out-toy... * FRUITY CUM - Senseless spluffs, "Was rifling through Friday's newsletter and 'came across' the 'fruity cum' response to the pineapple fingerprint fiasco. Funnily enough, me and the missus recently did an experiment into the effect of various fruit on the taste of jizz, with frankly marvellous results. Mangoes: Give your man-milk a palatable tang. Oranges: No real change in my fruition, but they were tasty. Pineapples: Apparently, they lessened the taste! Not fruitier, just less salty." * GLOW STICK MAN - as per last weeks request, Monty Boyce dribbles, "My prim and proper middle class mother delightedly showed me a Cerne Abbas Giant costume she'd made for a chap she works with - complete with flashing glow-in-the-dark cock." http://www.youtube.com/watch * ANOTHER SHITTY CONSOLE REVIEW - DR_A is back, and this time he's reviewing a Chintendo Vii - yep, you heard right. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chintendo_Vii_Review ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Spinning spike maze Simple but infuriatingly tough, in the way we like these things here: rotate the maze to guide a little ball to the exit. We liked the soundtrack too - full of the pathos inherent in being a tiny, spinning ball trapped in a black iron maze of doom. The first proper level after the tutorials end made us laugh with its crazy harditude. http://onemorelevel.com/game/spin_the_black_circle ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SLOW MOTION FILMS - we've just bought a Viewty phone. To be honest, as a phone it's too delicate for day to day use but it does have a 120FPS film thingie on it. Surely there MUST be something interesting that B3tards can do with this? We would show you the video of newsletter co-writer Dave leaping about like a spaceman, but he's vetoed it, so here's a linky to Amazon to buy one instead. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000WFI8D... * UNREAD POST - just looking around the house for random inspiration for this section and we notice a pile of letters that's building up - mostly to people who lived here years ago. What about starting a blog collecting peoples unread post? There's bound to be the odd gem, poignant letters from ignored family members, invites to long forgotten weddings etc. Could be the postsecret of 2008... * THE WORLD'S BIGGEST CUP OF TEA - ask the local council if you can fill your swimming bath with tea bags? Gah, we're really scrapping the barrel now. Ok - *goes for walk about the house* - what about seeing how much money you can get Adsense to pay out by making a flash game called Kitten Roulette? Apparently gambling sites pay very nicely for clickthrus. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob "I've got a hat" Manuel with David "I have't" Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Mike Monaco, planearm, Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectlinelols via Thor_sonofodin, and mastheadrofls via my other username is a porsche. ------------------------------------------------- NOT TIP: "You know the funny smoked bacon and/or fishy smell that comes from dusty lights, radiators and stuff that's not been turned on in a while? Dust is mostly dead skin, so the smell is that of fresh-cooked human." (TechImp) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive