we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SHOWCASING THE AWESOME POWER OF BOREDOM" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * COTTAGING - Everyone's favourite toilet lols * CHALLENGE - Wrong man for the job? * QUESTION - Rat out your bastard colleagues ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Amy Winehouse ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Gays, Songs and Fingerprints >> Bush cottaging << "I've made an ill-informed guide," minces BIG FACE, "It's a short but serious expose of gay cruising in Clapham Common." Heh, looks like a sketch for TV? http://b3ta.com/links/Gay_Cruising_an_ill_informed... >> "We Made a Film" << Remember Hexachordal? He did that internet love song we featured a few weeks back. And now? He writes, "That's right guys, my first PROPER MUSIC VIDEO. Filmed and edited by my mate Alex Parsons, obviously performed and written by little ol' me." It certainly has charm and your B3ta Towers scribe has bought his limited edition CD in the hope that it'll be worth gazillions in a few years' time. http://www.b3ta.com/links/We_Made_A_Film >> Removing fingerprints with pineapple << "I've finally got around to putting the video of my latest experiment together," boasts Thomas Scott, "I'd heard that pineapple can remove people's fingerprints. But, to be honest, it's more about me being in pain than any kind of actual science. Part of me hopes B3ta people will try to one-up me using sandpaper and a Dremel." We wonder if this clip will end up on QI? http://www.thomasscott.net/fingerprints/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Hotel Splendido We wanted your crap hotel stories last week: http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels/ * DON'T MENTION THE RAJ - "Around 10 years ago I was stationed in Hyderabad whilst I did interesting things with agriculture. Ten of us attended a conference in Bangalore. I arrived first and checked in. Next to me was an American lady was was also attending the conference, patiently waiting. Not sure how it happened but the the receptionist just assumed that the lady next to me was my wife. Thus about 20 minutes later, I step out of the shower as she walks into my room and screams. But my favourite was my boss, Andy Whitman. He arrived much later with just a reservation, and when he tried to get a room he was told, "We are full to bursting sir: the only room left is reserved for a Mr Andy". It's quite common to juxtapose surnames and first names in India. My boss shouts, "AHA! That's mine, I'm A. Whitman, I'm A. Whitman." The receptionist replied, "You may be a whiteman sir but you still cannot have Mr Andy's Room." (smells-like-victory-v's) * HOTEL MERIDIAN, BRAZZAVILLE, REPUBLIC OF CONGO "I arrived in the Congo at the arse end of the country's civil war on a bit of ill-advised business. Le Meridian turned out to be a heavily-armed compound in the centre of the city, next-door to the ruins of the cathedral. The hotel doubled up as the officers' mess of the Congolese army, so it was crawling with over-dressed young ladies and their angry AK47-toting husbands. If you wanted to venture outside, you had to get a posse of hired goons and hire the hotel's bullet-riddled Mercedes. What I took for charming concrete mouldings around the hotel reception, were in fact rocket-propelled grenade scars. The hotel had its own zoo. When I arrived, it was the army's practice range and free supply of tasty meat products. A five-minute phone call urging my boss to get me the fuck out of there cost £90. Not a trace of Um Bongo." (Scaryduck) * PIKMIN PORN - "A couple of years ago, my company relocated me to Canada. While I tried to find somewhere to live, they paid for me to stay in a very average hotel out by the airport. It was miles away from anything, and I had nothing to do in the evenings except read and watch telly, which got boring pretty quickly. Salvation came in the form of the in-room Gamecube, which cost about 5 bucks to play for half an hour; I got hooked on Pikmin and eventually racked up about $120 of room service charges. I innocently sent the bill off to expenses, not realising that every single half-hour session of innocent Gamecube playing was itemised as "In-room entertainment charge." Or, to put it another way, exactly what it would have looked like if I'd been ordering new porno every half-hour. This led to an 'interesting' conversation in which I had to try and convince the nice lady from HR that I'd actually been trying to help the spaceman get back to his home planet with the help of some magical flowers, rather than masturbating myself into a frenzy." (silencer) And one from the other side: * FILTH - "I ran a pub in York with a B+B attached. One Tuesday I checked in a reasonable, well spoken, late 30s couple who were visiting. They left in the morning, paid the bill, had breakfast, asked directions, nice and polite. Got to the room to clean it. Oh. My word. Blood and red wine on the sheets. Broken glass in the bin, on the carpet, in the sink. A pint glass filled with piss on the night-stand, the remnants of a couple of lines of charlie next to said pint glass. And a 9 inch turd in the bath. Just beautiful." (jameslib) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to rat on your bastard colleagues. especially the weird one with no mates who goes bell ringing, looks like Mr Majika and sports a monk's haircut (and is a woman). Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/bastardcolleagues/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Darth Vader church carving << Washington National Cathedral held a competition for children to design a grotesque (like a gargoyle but without the water). To their credit they went with the popular choice of the Dark Lord of the Sith. Not so often pointed out on tours - the crude cock-and-balls water spout winner of the compo they put on the interwebs. http://www.cathedral.org/cathedral/discover/darth.... >> Rap explained through graphs << In spite of the title, this is a collection of very in-jokey rap references in pie- and bar-chart format. Raised a chuckle or two. --link removed because it was changed to goatse >> 'Chav your say' << Blog that prospects through the BBC's news discussion forums for shiny nuggets of bigotry, pretension and general being-a-sheep's-vagina-iness. Gives a sense of smug superiority and/or despair at the futility of the human condition, depending on your own proclivity. http://ifyoulikeitsomuchwhydontyougolivethere.com/ >> Non-existent film << Due to some sort of coding spack-out, Temporarily Unavailable appears as an actual film you can get hold of on this video rental site. Inevitably, waggish users have left a smattering of amusing reviews. "A masterpiece of minimalism" and "I found this film literally unwatchable" come immediately to mind. http://snipurl.com/filmlolsforcunts >> Racist lols << "Yesterday was Dr. Martin Luther King day on this side of the pond," hoots ttdi. "This was how the food service department at my university decided to...er...celebrate." They could, perhaps have given a little more thought to what was going on the menu. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Thinly_veiled_racism ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Better than ceefax we suppose >> Sweary Aussie ad man << We'd like to think that this is what Australian advertising is like normally but sadly it's a blooper reel. Anyway, a combination of his beaming, wholesome face and free-flowing foul mouth makes for comedy gold. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Ant colony plaster-cast << Scientists, or at least we assume they're scientists, pour concrete down an ant nest, then clear away the soil when it's hardened. The good stuff starts at about 2:50, with the rest effectively talking about how great ants are. Fascinating stuff, as the shape of the colony is revealed a la Rachel Whiteread. It is, however, slightly disturbing just how callous the film crew is about all the killing. We hope they don't start thinking our house is interesting. http://b3ta.com/links/Enormous_plaster_cast_of_an_... >> Bubble-blowing dolphins << Everybody's favourite sea-going mammals, mucking about in that effortlessly impressive way they have. It's probably the equivalent of us doing tricks with our farts though. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Dolphins >> Church-moving song << Peculiar bit of TV, with a church choir singing their hearts out to accompany the moving of a 100-year-old church across America on the back of a very big lorry. Nice music, lovely visuals. http://snipurl.com/100twats >> 'Party at Google's house' << Mandatory to include this week's hot web in-jokey link. Google has a party and all the guests are other websites. Some nice characterisation, although we're a bit offended we don't seem to have been invited to join in the lols. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Internet_has_a_party >> Awesome George Washington << Excellent song and animation about the supernatural qualities of the US President. Reminded us a bit of 'Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole'. But with a lot more death. http://snipurl.com/fuckingshittyurl >> Plasticine disaster << Satan destroys a plasticine-based civilisation and tells some kids that humanity is unimportant. Rather odd animation based on a Mark Twain short story from his 'I hate everything' period. Like a particularly bleak and soul-blasting Wallace & Gromit. http://ca.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Triple penetration funny lols * HORSE WITH COCK MARKINGS - "You wouldn't want to ride bareback..." (davepomphret) http://www.horsenetwork.co.uk/forum/viewtopic.php * ARTY STATEMENT - "I was looking for cheese and I found something more profound..." (adrian) http://www.artisanalcheese.com * HANDS THAT DO DISHES... "I always keep a stash of this in my drawer at work. Keeps my hands lovely and soft. And prevents friction burns when my secretary wanks me off." (Goatboy) http://snipurl.com/bashthebishop ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Maps Challenge Last week we wanted you to redesign maps. Your favourites included: * THE MIDDLE EAST - everyone's favourite internecine conflict and the UN peace roadmap explained via a simple red line (b3th) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7975133 * BELARUS - putting a cheery face on Europe's biggest sufferer of radioactive fallout (printmeister) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7962978 * YOU ARE HERE - yes, you are (Dixon Scarlet) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7961871 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/maps/ >> New challenge: Wrong Man For The Job << Imagine: Howard Marks is presenting Top Gear, while Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall is down the Chicken Shack serving up nuggets. Show us the wrong men for the jobs. Challenge suggested by HappyToast. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/wrongman/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * COCK APP - ShodoPan writes, "In last week's newsletter, you asked, 'What next? A web app to add purple cocks and fluffy kittens?' At the price of considerable self-loathing, my answer to you is 'Yes.' Here it is, in all its spunky glory." Heh, this amuses us more than it should, so if you've got a jpeg on your desktop give it a quick go. http://www.cs.grinnell.edu/~youngian/b3tizer/ * UNEXPECTED EMAIL FROM FREAKPOWER - "Hi B3ta, I'm afraid i can't offer you anything for this, except maybe some wholesome man sex, but is there anyway I can convince you to give a plug of some sort to the Freakpower reunion gig at the jazz cafe on the 22nd of February. Freakpower was a one-hit wonder band from the mid 90's and I was the bald guy from that band. Always enjoy your rag. Ashley." Heh, how disarmingly self-effacing. *sings Spacemaaan, I always wanted you to go into spaaaaceman* Sorry - only messing. * CHEAP CAT TOYS - HappyToast blithers, "Having just read this weeks newsletter and stripeertw's suggestion to buy our cat a bath chain, I thought I'd make sure everyone was aware of the manic pleasure cats get from Emery Boards (nail files/buffing pads/call 'em what you will). Ours go mental, rubbing against them, chewing at them and chasing them wherever we drag them. Only question is why? Can some bright B3ta spark tell us if they contain a substance similar to catnip, and more importantly if the things are actually toxic?!" * DAILY MAIL HEADLINEATOR - "I don't know if anyone else has already done this," wonders Greem, "but as requested in your latest newsletter, I've made a Daily Mail Headlineinator. Enjoy!" http://www.greem.co.uk/dailymail ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME White Dwarf Simple, addictive; collect the green balls then touch a blue ball to bank your points. Avoid the red balls. Red balls are death! Got it? Great. It's slightly trickier than it looks. Nothing particularly whitey or dwarfey about it though, which was a very mild disappointment. http://whitedwarfgame.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * TRAIN/PLUG LOLS - "On a lot of trains they have plugs, with a little sign that says they are for laptops and mobile chargers only. What I want to know, and see in photographic form, is the biggest household appliance that can be used on a train. How many toasters does it take to bring a train to a standstill? Or is there some simple science why this whole idea is rubbish?" (hickford) * MOUSE PATTERNS - Ever wondered what shapes your mouse makes whilst you use it? Get a glass desk, and place your camera on a long exposure beneath it. We reckon it might look quite pretty. * USB MOUTH ORGAN - store your files and handy for playing the hobo blues, "I done lost my woman, my house and my data." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Professor Kenny Martin, Rusty, Fat Joe, Snail, Redsushi, Chairman Wow, Enzyme , Professor Fnord, Mr Tocker, xemetery, purple_gromit. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subjectline from my other username is a porsche and mugatu. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Pringles tins make the best ashtrays, even when accidentally kicked the ash is virtually unspillable, and they come with a handy lid. (beard of destiny) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the first sign of madness? Suggs walking up your driveway. Not sick enough for you? Ok: What's black and white and goes to bed hungry? Heath Ledger's cat. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive