we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "LOOKS LIKE WE PICKED THE WRONG WEEK TO QUIT LANDING PRACTICE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FACT - Peanut butter disproves evolution * CUTE - Fattest squirrel ever * CHALLENGE - Maps that tell YOUR truths ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "B3ta newsletter... ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Sexy gnomes, free cash and fibbing headlines >> Cute electro dance << Nice little bit of fluff from Scrambled Edd, with three young rascals demonstrating their individual dance stylings to the beepy, bloopy beat. Very short, but it really did make us smile. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Just_a_Bit_crazy >> Swing News << We'd love it if the news actually was presented as an upbeat jam session like this. Okay, so this is actually a bit of commercial work, but Ben Wheatley has been ensconced with a crack team, polishing this up to a fine sheen. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Swing_News >> Podgy squirrel << "Recently I took some photographs of a fat squirrel," fluffs ShodoPan. "They make me giggle, perhaps you will too." He's certainly a chubby little chap, puffed up against the winter cold. http://www.flickr.com/photos/iangreenleaf/21884628... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Shoplifting Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked for your shoplifting stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/shoplifting/ * POINTLESS - "Last year I was at the hairdressers when in walks the local druggie carrying a heavy object. He's well known in the area for constantly trying to sell you his latest shoplifted items for the next fix and the hairdressers tolerate him. He sits down next to me and starts showing off the vacuum cleaner he's just nicked. "From the window of Curry's," he exclaims proudly. "Top of the range, yours for... fifty quid?" "Alright... twenty." Still no one was biting. "Watch this, all this hair on the floor, gone." He leans over to plug it in. A light appears on the front of it and a quiet whirring sound starts up. Unable to find a nozzle, he just pushes it across the floor through all the hair clippings. Nothing happened, but he persevered. As I watched this bizarre demo I started to feel cold. Taking a closer look, I realised his problem, "That's not a vacuum cleaner." "What do you mean?" "It's an air conditioner, to keep your house cool". "... a fiver then?" He ended up leaving it behind. There's not really a market for air conditioners in Glasgow." (sparks) * PERSPICACIOUS - "A local convenience store had recently expanded into the empty unit next door. As a result the other entrance door was unused and the owners had stacked a display shelf full of crisps in front of it. They'd failed to notice that it now backed onto a letterbox. Wotsits galore for about three weeks till they must have either noticed the handy crisp-flap, or wondered what the rustling noise was behind the shelf." (never-right) * PRETENTIOUS - "When I was around 12 or so, my best friend and I went through a phase of shoplifting pocket dictionaries and other improving literature. We'd pop them in stupid-looking people's bags and pockets on the Tube home." (TurangaLeela) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your worst hotel and B&B experiences. Fawlty our towers here. http://b3ta.com/questions/craphotels/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Mutant Toys << "Some clever artist fella had the idea of turning teddy bears inside out and re-stuffing them," informs Rainbored, "I reckon the end result's probably much cuter than the originals." Ooh, we're loving this and can't wait to get the newsletter out of the way to have a crack at this technique ourselves. http://www.kentrogowski.com/bears.html >> Gay banker blog << Fancy some voyeuristic kicks from reading a gay man's encounters through gaydar.com? Then gaybanker is your new favourite blog of choice. http://gaybanker.blogspot.com/search/label/Encount... >> Rude reviews << Continuing the bumsex theme, we're cutting and pasting this Oxo Tower review before it's removed: "Last Friday evening I tried to take my girlfriend up the Oxo Tower but unfortunately we found it was completely full, so despite our best efforts, we just couldn't get in. I even greased the odd palm in the hope of slipping in without too much of a fuss, but I didn't want to push it." A meme begins... http://www.london-eating.co.uk/1626.htm >> Re-enacting Garfield << Art project or the work of the truly insane - who can fathom these live action re-enactments of the Garfield cartoon strip? Fucking weird actually and really drives home the point that Garfield is NOT funny. http://www.lasagnacat.com/ >> Forwarded emails << "Dear B3ta", writes thefoggypoo," I saw an email today, one of the ones that some disgruntled person sends around when they are very cross about something, like a failed romance or similar. Anyway - that's all jolly fine but it got me thinking; there are quite a few of these at this stage are there not? There was Claire Swires a couple of years ago - along with a couple of others. But could b3tans compile a collection of these for our amusement?" No! Do your own work and send it to us! That's how this system works, sunshine! http://ann-pa-c.blogspot.com/2008/01/detta-r-inte-... >> Daily Mail polls lols << Last night, instead of actually writing the newsletter, your humble scribes spent a good two hours reading 5 years of online polls on the Daily Mail website and attempting to guess their outcomes before clicking. E.g. 'Do Daily Mail readers think that doctors should be allowed to remove organs from dead patients without prior consent?" The trick is thinking like the Daily Mail; an uneasy passtime at best. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/dmpolls/monthly.h... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Slightly better quality than your phone >> You suck at Photoshop << Purports to be a Photoshop tutorial for the clueless, but is actually a vignette of some nerd's bitter, messed-up life. Also, some handy graphics hints. http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_Suck_At_Photoshop >> Playing the drums, age 1-100 << Sequence of people banging on the drums in order of age. The little kids and the very elderly are cute, but there are enough people enjoying life at all ages to make it a feel-good experience. http://www.b3ta.com/links/People_in_Order_1_to_100 >> Everyday guy rap << A sequel to Jon Lajoie's original angry rap, expressing entirely uncontroversial and ordinary feelings, events and opinions. Just excellent stuff, although potentially NSFW as there is a fucking shitload of swearing. http://www.b3ta.com/links/This_amused_me >> Hugh Laurie sings 'Mystery' << The musical phenomenon that is TV's Doctor House serenades us with a lounge tune based extremely heavily on words that rhyme with mystery. Something about his delivery just makes it work. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Hugh_Laurie_sings_Myster... >> Rubber Band Machine Gun << Very long, self-indulgent vid by a bunch of guys who have made what is basically a non-lethal version of that cool whirly gun from Predator. It really dwells a little too lovingly on the rotating band-holders but we got quite excited when they started shooting things with it. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Peanut butter disproves evolution! << US creationist advances a straw-man argument against evolution so flimsy and poorly-reasoned that for a few moments we almost thought it was pro-Darwinist propaganda put out to make the other side look mental. But no. Has to be seen to be believed. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : HOW TO PLAN MASS MURDER Last week we idly wondered what would be the best way to bump off a load of people without using guns. * MILK - "Kill your neighbours by slowly poisoning them with mercury injected via a hypodermic needle into their milk bottles." (whatspaulsdoing) * COOKIES - "Send your relatives Christmas cookies laced with all sorts of nasty nastiness." (links nana) * ACID - "Hydrofluoric acid is relatively easy to obtain from our local glassworks. You only need to cover an area about the size of someone's face to give them a lethal dose. Put it in a sprayer - you probably won't survive." (corinoco) Hmm, none of this appears particularly easy or foolproof, perhaps the restrictive gun laws in the UK are a good thing. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Crabs Challenge Last week we wanted to you to 'shop crabs. You did. Your favourites included: * STORMTROOPER - anarchy on the board meant that this week's challenge was won, not by a crab, but by an elephant in a helmet (Tribs) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7940920 * GAY - squeal with delight as this lovely, flamboyant crab performs a giddy dance on the beach (c_kick) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7941081 * ZODIAC - God hands out the signs, crab gets the short straw (Lazio Woodbine) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7941439 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/crabs/ >> New challenge: Maps << Tube maps, road maps, world maps, globes - redesign a map to tell the truth. YOUR TRUTH. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/maps/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TONY HART HONOUR - "You silly, silly people!" was the reaction of a number of readers to the petition we pointed to, aiming at a gong for kids' TV legend Hart. In fact, you can nominate someone for an honour yourself by filling in a form on the government's website. Bah. Online petitions - always shit. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Gtgl1/GuideToGovernmen... * GHER ANIMATION - So what was last week's gleeful, dancing cartoon all about, we asked creator Aap. "It's quite stupid really. I just opened up Google and hit some random keys on my keyboard like this: 'gnrejkawgrae'. I typed 'gher' and found the news story below. It said 'Download COLOR Photo Here', and I couldn't resist. I mean, a COLOR photo of Leo A. Gher! As for the dance, I used to dance like that at school parties, haha." http://news.siu.edu/news/November00/110900p0159.ht... * BOGUS DAVE BLOG ENDS - a site we featured a while back has finally come to an conclusion. The writer would reply to wrongly-addressed emails, pretending to be the proper addressee. Predictably, he's finally got caught out and people are a little upset with him. http://youhavegotthewrongperson.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * INKY TRANSSEXUAL - Buy a printer, photograph the body of a member of the opposite sex - A4 sheet by A4 sheet, stick it on your clothes and become a papery gender-bender. * DAILYMAIL HEADLINEINATOR - Arksworld dribbles, "What I want to see is a website where you can upload an image (of friends, loved ones etc.) and it will magically appear on a copy of the Daily Mail under the headline 'BAN THIS SICK FILTH!'" - We're surprised that this doesn't exist already. On the Daily Mail website... * DEAR WANKER BLOG - fill in every form registration with the name "wanker" and stick photos of your letters from Orange and BT up. (Thanks stripeert) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Redsushi, Hampster Squared, manbear84, ma0sm. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Nods to b4ta. Subject-line lols from The Great Architect and Connor & Doctor When. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "And here's my cat toy tip that you haven't asked for: Local hardware shop (or B&Q if you really must). Buy a 1m stretch of bath chain. Cats love it. Ours even fetch it. They love the sound of it. And the feel of it in their mouths. Much better than that string rubbish." (Thanks stripeertw!) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the best thing about fingering a Gypsy on her period? You get your palm red for free. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive