we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HAPPY EASTER!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DIY - Hampster Davros Dance * CHALLENGE - Uncropped album art * QUESTION - "I'm so dumb that I..." ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "GEOFF MAN AYUM BLIND ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Not including the lame xmas virals >> Hampster Davros Dance << Oh yes oh yes yes, this is more like the projects we like to see on B3ta, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed has mashed up an old singing hamster toy and turned it into his very own leader of the Daleks, Davros. First gawp at the photo then giggle at the video. Our faith in the world is restored. http://vitaminmp3.blogspot.com/2007/12/dancing-dav... >> Best of Question Swap << Remember Question Swap - if you missed it, then think yahoo answers, but peopled by mentals. Its creator phantomboner blithers, "I've made an eBook. All the best Q&As from the site in one handy format. You could pretend it was a Xmas gift and give away to newsletter readers." Heh, quite amusing actually. It's the randomness of it all that makes it compelling. http://www.scribd.com/doc/906991/Best-Of-QuestionS... >> Naked mankini promo video << "We're doing this show," complains Ryan, "but the problem is nobody knows how to use Joost. So we made this video and put it on youtube." Heh - we're linking this for two reasons: 1, we're amused that even the show makers for Joost are admitting the platform is useless, and 2, it features a bravely cheerful naked man dressed in Borat's, swimsuit gallivanting around London. What's not to like? http://youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Evil Pranks Last week we asked for the nastiest pranks you've played on your mates: http://b3ta.com/questions/evilpranks/ * "And after nearly a year of groundwork and being turned down times beyond number, my friend Tom got the girl, the perfect girl, to finally go out on a date with him. Tom was beside himself. '"I'll take her to the finest restaurant in town. The new Thai one - it'll be perfect." We're all rooting for Tom. As D-Day approaches, we slap him on the back, ease his nerves and wish him well. On the night itself, most of us have forgotten, but not Alan. Oh, no. Alan's car turns up outside everyone's house at 8pm, beeping like a maniac. What's going on? Ten minutes later the answer is clear - we're parked opposite the new Thai place. And look, just inside is Tom, the happiest man in the world. Al begs silence. Al's phone appears. A number is dialed. "Hello, Thai Kingdom?" "Good evening, this is Doctor Wilkinson of Grantham Hospital. Could you please pass on a message to a gentleman I believe is dining with you tonight? Could you tell him that his wife has just gone into labour? Thank you. Good evening." The helpful manager strolls over to the table. The girl stands up. Slaps him. Leaves. He runs after her. A few steps outside he pauses, then stops. He sees our car. He sees his friends in stitches. He clicks. He screams. He runs towards the car, profanities flying. Five people are laughing so hard that they are in danger of having a cardiac arrest. The car lurches away. We have to avoid Tom for three weeks..." (Khaos) * "My girlfriend is petrified of the loft/attic and wont go in unless I'm there, on the ladder, head in the loft to make sure she's ok and body outside to keep ladder in place. She's scared that she'll standing between rafters, that the ladder will fall away, that the light will go out, that insulation will brush against her leg. Oh and spiders obviously. I am in no way to make jokes about any part of this. The really weird thing is that she organised the whole loft so I'm not allowed to move stuff or get stuff out. The other week, perched on the ladder I hatched my plan. When she wasnt looking, I ducked down the ladder, knocked the ladder out so it crashed down, then hit the ground with a loud yell that appeared to just cut off half way before lying very still, face down. I listened, trying not to laugh at the wild hysterical screaming as she ran across the loft, losing her footing and, one foot through the plasterboard, tripped grabbing the extension cable to the lamp we hung up there, tearing it out so the light goes off. It all took about 5 seconds. I turn over with a big smile and look up at her face hanging over the hatch literally unable to stop screaming at "seeing me dead." It's really weird watching the love of your life screaming like her whole world just ended. Seriously, try it. She'll get over it." (I have run out of coke) * "Not really evil, but a few weeks ago I went into Waterstones. Someone had left a sheet of 'signed by the author' stickers on a table, so I swiped it and spent a while sticking them on copies of The Bible, Dickens and Jane Austen" (shavedchimp) >> This Week's Question << What's the dumbest thing you've ever done? We're keeping this question open for two weeks to allow you to get up to stupid stuff and send it in: http://b3ta.com/questions/dumbthings/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Simple tips for writing << No massive internet rofls here, just a clear and interesting guide to writing style that we quite enjoyed poring over. Illustrates, for example, the power of understatement: "It is never very difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.” [P. G. Wodehouse] http://snipurl.com/cleverwordycunts >> Letters to rock stars << Pretty much everyone has naughtily downloaded an illegal mp3 or sneaked into a gig from their favourite band. Here, people write confessional letters to their musical heroes, telling all and including $5 for expenses. http://www.dearrockers.org/ >> Ren & Stimpy animator's blog << The website of R&S artist John Kricfalusi, where he analyses cartoons and posts tips for upcoming animators. Interesting stuff, even if you lack the ambition to create scatological scribblings. http://johnkstuff.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a web based PXL-2000 >> Make a toothbrush robot << Step by step details on how to transform your toothbrush from useless implement of dental hygiene to fearsome engine of destruction. Please note, your fearsomeness mileage may vary. http://www.evilmadscientist.com/article.php/bristl... >> Terry chops << We're not sure what this is. Well, obviously, it's a bloke walloping household objects in slow-motion with an extremely sharp axe. But the production values are extremely high, leading us to think it's marketing. But what on earth for? Highly entertaining nonetheless. http://terryschopshop.blogspot.com/ >> Simpsons 'picture a day for 39 years' << Animated, yellow take on Noah Kalina's mesmerising YouTube hit of last year 'Everyday'. Funny Homer montage presented as a picture taken every day of his life. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Gordon Ramsey's fucking nightmares << Peculiar glimpse into the self-loathing mire that makes up the private life of TV's mouthy uber-chef. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ramseys_Nightmare >> "Borderline pornographic" cat video << A 30-second clip of someone's cat that was deemed unsuitable for a number of cat enthusiast forums. Entirely safe for work, in our opinion. Although it is somewhat unsettling seeing a podgy old moggy made to look like she's flirting with the lens. http://snipurl.com/avoidspussypun >> Ocean Finance ad - Trek-style << Shoddy daytime TV ads create their own cult among their few viewers who are not elderly, infirm or stupid. Here, debt consolidation agency Ocean gets its cheapo campaign revoiced by original Star Trek characters. We must admit to a partiality for Kirk & co that made us like this, perhaps more than we should. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ocean_Finance_Ad ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Buck & Follocks PLC "My mate set this company up ages ago", writes Lord_Munkee, "and has decided to sell it." He he, the real amusement for us in the story contained within the ebay page - companies shoue wouldn't accept the name Buck & Follocks, so they created two companies, 'Buck' and 'Fullocks' and then incorporated! Genius. Lord_Munkee also asks us to point out you can buy the company as it would "make a great xmas pressie." http://snipurl.com/buybuybuy ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Literal Band Names Challenge Last week we wanted you to envisage band names as if they were real-life things. Your favourites included: * LED ZEPPELIN - fiendishly clever interpretation of the inspiration for Jimmy Page's rock colossus (disconnected) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7872637 * SMASHING PUMPKINS - not what you expect, and all the better for it. (Ttssattsr) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7863929 * ARCADE FIRE - further double-edged picture-play from the b3tard whose images have now graced the b3ta homepage a remarkable 446 times. (monkeon) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7880024 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_band_names/ >> New challenge: Extending Album Art << Using any tools available - you, your record collection, a camera, photoshop, a scanner, whatever works - show us what happens beyond the borders of classic album sleeves, how the artwork continues. Challenge open for TWO magnificent weeks. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/album_art/ ------------------------------------------------- : BEST BEFORE SURVEY? Members bravely test sellby dates We asked you to test best before dates, in a shock result, many of you wrote in to say how much booze improves after leaving it for a few years. * LAGER - " I drank a can of Red Stripe lager that I found in the office fridge. It was FIVE YEARS out of date. It tasted a bit like whisky, and two cans later, my colleague and I were rolling around drunk under our desks." (Mr Gear) * GUINNESS - "I drank some canned Guinness dated Feb '02. It smelt like guinness, but had, in time, turned into a chewy Special Brew. After 3/4 of a can, I nearly stopped drinking it." Note the careful use of the word 'nearly ' from Fishbowler. * SCIENCE BIT - "... it doesn't go off as such, it's because after that date, the brewery cannot guarantee that it will still be only 4.1%. COnsequently, the alcohol level rises after the best before date. Hurrah for residual yeast." (just1bloke) * SPECIAL MEATY AWARD - "A few weeks ago I cooked some chilli with some nice beef mince. I then left it in the fridge for 9 days. After briefly pondering whether that was too long (it's about 6 days longer than the internet says you should), I ate it topped with some bacon that had been open for about a fortnight (packet says 48 hour maximum). I got the shits and won't be doing that again." (Shitworth) ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Don't let go! returns! A b3ta favourite from some time ago, AKX has revamped his internet version of 'Touch the truck' for a new generation of powerful machines. http://servut.us/akx/dlg2/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT YEAR'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * I WISH IT COULD BE CHRISTMAS EVERY DAY LIVEJOURNAL - live like Roy Wood's fantasy hit for a whole year, Turkey and Dam busters every day, and blog the accumulative misery. * BUS LOLS - we sitting on a public transport the other day and were enjoying the live CCTV feed of the other passengers, and briefly fantasied about a website where you could pick the route you wanted to spy on and vote up your favourite captured incidents to the front page. Sell a bit of advertising on it - and you'd have cheap entertainment and subsidised transport. * RELATIVE MINGER THEORY - Dr Ben Goldacre has written to us about a project idea that fascinates him but he's too lazy to carry out, "My girlfriend says that whenever a woman uses a profile picture of herself with a friend, on a social networking site, that friend will always be uglier. After looking on facebook for 20 minutes I'm inclined to agree. Can anyone be bothered to apply for a grant, take some two-faced profile pics, split them in half, get a panel of superficial men to rate their fitness, crunch the results, and publish on this Relative Minger Theory?" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob Todd, Terry, gormo. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj from SexFace and prodigy69. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Annoy airport security! Scribble 'made you look :)' on some paper, wrap it in a condom and shove it up your arse. Act in a suspicious manner when going through customs, once you have agitated security enough, wait until they search you then point and laugh. (Willenium) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive