we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IT'S A PARTY IN YOUR MOUTH AND EVERYONE IS COMING" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BREASTICLES - How to draw them * FOOD - Bacon Biscuits * QUESTION - Evil Pranks (should be good!) ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want to buy us presents? Then let's talk turkey. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Catface, Girl Porn, and Crap Games >> Christmas Catface << A festive special in the household of Jonti's macrocephalic feline creation. will Santa fulfil all their Christmas wishes? http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+6/ >> Porn for girls by girls << Nobody knows what women want like another woman - or b3tard David. It's a cunning ad for his 'Internet in handy book form", but it's still funny stuff. What *really* gets women excited? This is not NSFW, if that's a clue. http://www.PornForGirlsByGirls.com >> Wii rip-off review << Dr. A continues his crusade against crapness in copycat consoles from down the market. This one's a doozy, with a 'motion sensor' based entirely on ball-bearings and the good doctor's frustration levels reach such a height as to necessitate a squirrel interlude. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tilt_Games_Review_Wii_Ri... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Accidental Animal Cruelty Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we wanted to know if you'd be cruel to an animal. But not on purpose. That would be horrible: http://b3ta.com/questions/animalcruelty/ * FROG WARS - "When I was a young-un, there was this large-ish pond in the woods near our house. Each year, for some unknown reason, the pond used get full of frogs. You could just plunge your hand in and almost always come out with a frog. Being gentle, kind-hearted kids we came up with a great game "Frog Wars". This basically involved throwing frogs at each other whilst running around the pond. There weren't really any rules, you just had to throw frogs at someone. I hurled a frog right across the pond at another kid. It was one of those perfect throws that you just knew was going to hit its mark. The world almost stood still as the frog-weapon arced over the water towards my target. Unfortunately for him, he happened to be shouting just at the moment of impact and my aim was true. The frog landed right in his mouth. The poor kid screamed and vomited on the spot. That was the end of Frog wars: I think that he went home and told his mum and we all got a bollocking." (MrCrabby) * JAFFA ARSED DOG - "I was throwing Jaffa Cakes to my mate's dog. He wasn't a good catch and they were going everywhere. We told him to sit to received the next jaffa, and when he stood back up, we realised he'd sat on one which had stuck to his arsehole. He realised he could smell a jaffa, but couldn't find it, and started running in circles. He proceeded to chase his own arse until he became so dizzy he toppled down the flight of stairs. We thought he'd broken his neck, but he stood up, shook himself, and then happily ate the jaffa which had become dislodged from his date during the tumble." (hixy) * CAT KILLER - "My wee brother had a black kitten, Sootica, that had the unfortunate habit of sleeping in the laundry basket. Eventually my mother loaded the basket straight into the washing machine and drowned Sootica. When I got home from school my mother was in hysterics after finding the lifeless soggy feline in amongst my dad's work socks. She made me promise to never tell my bro and that we'd all stick to the line that, "it must have run away." That was 17 years ago. I told him at a party last summer when I'd had a few too many. He took it well. By phoning my mum out of her bed at 4am whilst off his chops and calling her "a fucking lying murderer." (Raol Duke) Totally not safe if you are eating, but 'Baldie' writes, "He was having a kip in a hollow log, and I was merrily chopping wood with my BRAND NEW chainsaw:" http://www.adam.com.au/phil/poss.jpg >> This Week's Question << We'd like your most evil pranks. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/evilpranks/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Crack dollhouse << There's two things b3ta loves best: smoking crack and playing with dollhouses, so imagine our delight when some kind of web genius combined the two and built a toy home, made in miniature, for tiny people on the pipe. And hey, it's coming up to Xmas, so it's the the ideal gift for the crack baby in YOUR life. http://snipurl.com/mylovelycrack >> Bacon Biscuits << Knowing our members fondness for pork, here's a tip, the next time you cook up some scrumptious cookies, why not throw some bacon in the mix? The connoisseurs amongst you might like to follow up this project by making a toad in the hole / fudge cake mash-up. http://snipurl.com/bacontwats >> How to draw tits << Nothing gets attention like a truly great pair of tits but have you ever thought on how to draw them without looking like a 13 year old compulsive masturbator? BTW: Our favourite celebrity funbags are currently on display as Chloe Finnegan's chest - the fabulously breasted daughter of TVs Richard & Judy. http://www.maxriffner.com/parlor/how-to-draw-boobs >> Random pervert of the week << Via IMDB discussion pages on a bit-part actress in Star Trek, "How sad that Ms. Oliver is no longer with us. I had quite a crush on her back in the 70's! I recall that she got one of the most realistic spankings in the annals for TV history when she guest starred on "Wagon Train" back in the early 1960's. Her character was a real brat & after she tried to shoot one of the male leads on the show, Robert Horton, he takes her over his knee for a very hard hand spanking (or at lest it looks hard). You even see him lifting her skirts before he starts swatting her! That was an unusual move in movies & TV. In almost all films & TV shows, the spanker spanks the young lady on the seat of her pants/jeans or on the seat of her dress/skirt. By her facial expressions, poor Ms. Oliver seems like she's really 'getting it' from the young, handsome, stern & obviously strong Mr. Horton. Anyway, I hope she rests in peace." And as a bonus? Here's a completely different perv: http://filtersweep.shackspace.com/58988662.html >> Shit superheroes << A huge series of comic superheroes each created to defeat the last with increasingly contrived powers - although they won't let you join in with your own submissions because they are elitist fools holding a finger in the dyke of user generated content, or whatever it is that marketing wazzocks call it this week. http://www.thesuperest.com/ >> The Ronseal Award << One day we'll earn millions by partnering up with Ronseal to do an award, celebrating websites that do "exactly what it says on the tin." STOP PRESS: We've only just written this and we've already had an entry. http://www.thispeanutlookslikeaduck.com/ >> "Here comes another bubble!" << Waggish take on the overheated tech sector, sung to the tune of Billy Joel's 'We didn't start the fire'. http://snipurl.com/bubbletwats ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sleepy Dormouse Is there anything cute left in the world? We were beginning to doubt it, and this section lay fallow for a time, provoking a tearful outcry from our more sensitive readers. Fortunately, b3tards have stepped up to the challenge, moving to refill the coffers of cuteness. But there's still a long way to go. Anyway, in the meantime, here's a lovely dormouse wintering as we all should; sleepy and stuffed with food. http://www.somersetbirder.fsnet.co.uk/dormouse.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA XMAS GIFT LIST If you really hate your family and want to make them miserable this festive season then here's some really shit ideas. * FOR MUMS! - nothing says Happy Christmas to mum like a load of dead baby jokes, and at 910 in the current Amazon sales rankings, there's going to be a lot of tears this holiday. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828... * FOR NEWBORNS - why not a paedo-friendly 'swirly face man' t-shirt? You'll never be invited round again. Thanks B3ta! http://snipurl.com/subnathantwats * FOR THE TRULY B3TARDED - Only Jonti's MASSIVE badger plushies will do. Ideal for Xmas yiffing. http://snipurl.com/badgertwats ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Christmas Card Challenge Last week we wanted to make alternative Christmas cards. Your favourites included: * HOMEMADE - victory ensured by a lovely set of images followed by some romantic news. Awwww (Weetobix) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7846246 * GOATSE BAUBLE - the internet's favourite shock image gets a family- friendly festive makeover (prodigy69) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7845125 * ELEPHANT - an Xmas mashup capturing the true spirit of the season (Mystery Bob) http://www.b3ta.com/board/7844990 All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternative_christma... >> New challenge: Band Names Taken Literally << What would a Def Leppard look like? Are the Sugababes actually made out of sugar? Show us literal interpretations of band names. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_band_names/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BIRO VIRAL SHOCK - Amused to see our linking on the Biro review generated a bit of attention - we've seen it on numerous blogs, and over 39 comments have been added to the review. And all because we GENUINELY were looking at biros on Amazon - "thanks Dad!" as one of our members said. http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000JTOYLS * CHRIS HOLS IDEAS - Last week we asked for your suggestions on what stupid projects Chris might like to do whilst travelling round the world. The best suggestion was from Crap Little Monkey who wrote, "Collect as many free matchbooks as possible while travelling, use them to plot the route he took while we was travelling then set fire to them and record the Mission Impossible-like burning trail." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Film Sequels Bored in a DVD store? Your newsletter team recently visited what was once Virgin in Camden and spent a happy half hour looking at all the boxes and thinking of rubbish sequels ideas. * President Kong - he's in The White House and going APE! * Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest - When love meets it's mad! * And finally, read this as you might imagine someone pitching an idea to a Hollywood agent over lunch, "Danny Devito, Arnold Schwarzenegger and.... Samuel L. Jackson in.... TRIPLETS!" See, it's never dull when the newsletter team go DVD shopping. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WRITEMYCARDFORMEYOUCUNTS.COM - someone recently asked on our board for suggestions to put in a wedding card. The winning suggestion? "Congrats! Couldn't happen to a nicer couple. PS. If you divorce, we want the kettle back" which lead to the comment that someone should "start a website so people know what to write in cards and people can put in suggestions." Not a bad idea really. * MAGGOT CHEESE - can one of our members make their own Casu Marzu - a cheese made with live maggots. Maybe with some garden worms in some Kraft singles. Some info here for our doubters: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Casu_marzu * BEST BEFORE TEST - Tharg2005 writes, "Inspired by finding a can of Carling 'best before March 2007' in my fridge, after, oooh, seconds of risk/reward evaluation, I found out that the lager tasted exactly like Carling. We need further studies, on other foods and drinks, and we need them on the internets." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Bob the Scutter and Hoof Hearted. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subj from Dixon_Knackers. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Cooking for one? Love mince? Flatten your ground beef in cling wrap before freezing. Need a bit for a delicious bolognese sauce? Snap some off - it'll come off easy and defrosts in no time. (hixy - Helping B3ta bachelors not eat Pot Noodles since 2002.) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive