we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A NOT-FOR-PROPHET PUBLICATION" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SEX - on crack! * SPORT - The next England manager? * PORN - with 'celebrity' heads ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "Shit in a box? - A ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << 50p per mile and all the cash goes to "charity". http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK England manager, lists, puzzles and bikes >> Americans love lists << We're really enjoying Goodie bag's fast-talking, tightly-edited online stand-up routines. This time, some chat about how great lists are. http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/05.htm >> Find the next England manager << A crack team of b3tards, including Down on the Farm, 100% Gibbon and Malevole, has wrought a cunning online simulation of the Barwickotron. This is the venerable machine used by the FA to produce the identity of the next England manager. Observe the carefully-reasoned results, drawn from genuine FA shortlists! http://barwickotron.com/ >> Christmas puzzle book << "I've made you a puzzle book," chirps baldmonkey. "Give it away FREE with your newsletter. I recommend everyone printing it out fifty times to give as gifts instead of spending money." http://b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/pdf/christmaspuzzl... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Pathological Liars Last week we wanted to know about your friends who regard the truth as an illusion: http://b3ta.com/questions/liars/ * SCOTSMAN - "On holiday, I found myself in a Scottish pub. I made the mistake of asking for my first drink with a Scottish accent. Something in my head just thought that would be a good idea at the time. It slightly backfired when the Scotsman behind the bar, bored on a slow night, was so glad to meet a fellow countryman that he began chatting to me and asking where I was from etc. This meant I had to tell lies of increasingly complexity about my whole Scottish upbringing (having grown up in North London) whilst drinking like a fish. I kid you not, when you're plastered at 3 in the morning in a hot country, it's not that easy to carry off a Glaswegian accent and keep a massive series of lies going. Somehow I managed it and was even propositioned by a Scotty lass in the bar. Sadly she was short, ugly and incredibly drunk so I declined. I was however very amused to see her fall flat on her face (literally pancaked) just 5 mins later when trying to leave with her friends." (golddust) * KNUCKLES - "One rainy day at school, I was sitting indoors on my own and noticed a few first-year boys hanging around. Aha, a chance to mess with their heads. I form two fists, and start striking my knuckles against each other in the manner of someone trying to start a fire with a flint. After a minute or two, one of them notices and says, "What are you doing?" "Trying to strike sparks off my knuckles." "No, go on. Don't be daft. You can't do that!" Quite right, of course. But I'm the science spod and everyone knows it. "Yes you can," I say, matter-of-factly. "Small flakes of skin are heated by friction and burn, but you've got to get the right conditions." After a few more exchanges of plausible bullshit, I have a small circle of half-a-dozen younger boys sitting around striking their knuckles together for no reason. And then, we hit gold. One of them starts backwards and explains: "I got one!" I congratulated him and left, leaving them all enthused by this mythical success, and more eager than ever to waste this lunch break, and for all I know many others, learning the harsh lesson that the wages of gullibility is sore knuckles." (Amish Information Systems) * PONY GIRL - "My boyfriend and his best mate managed to convince the mate's little 8 year old sister that when she reached the grand old age of 10 she would have the opportunity to choose whether she wished to spend her remaining years as a human or a horse. She couldn't wait to become a horse, and was devastated when she remained human and realised that you should never trust an elder sibling, as they are all bastards." (clumsyeloquence) >> This Week's Question << Have you accidentally been cruel to an animal? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/animalcruelty/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Model behaviour << A reader recently added us on Facebook and on looking at their profile we discovered they were a member of modelmayhem, a community of good looking people offering themselves for photographic work. A certain young lady, London Andrews, caught our eye, she's using the money she's earning - via both ordinary modelling and private fetish shoots - to travel around the world and blog it as she goes. TV companies! Surely you can find documentary material here. http://londonandrews.blogspot.com/ >> Wordy biro review << On being asked "which biro is the best?", Nobbynobody of Biromash fame answered, "Bic Cristal medium. The only biro worth the name." Looking up this pen, they're only 13p from Amazon (12p secondhand), but we're linking it for the amusement offered by the overly detailed review, "On the third day of ownership I went on a trip to London and took my pen carefully packed away in my brief case, but I needn't have worried, this isn't some temperamental ink pen that leaks when you store it at the wrong angle. I sat at my meeting and confidently removed the cap from my pen and it wrote flawlessly, almost immediately." http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000JTOYLS >> Crack sex << The newsletter staff have been addicted to crack and anal sex since the first dotcom crash, and in a "simply astonishing blog post" one of our members has actually caught Rob and Dave on a still camera. WARNING: If you find photos of homeless men people having sex and smoking rock erotic, prepare for your clitstick to get stiff. http://snipurl.com/our_little_secret >> "I'm afraid of everything..." << "This must be the reason the internet was created," spluffs Spng, "I am tottally fascinated with this guy. Even though he basicly lives 23 hours a day all year, in a small room, he is fascinating." http://www.ulillillia.us/aboutme/majorfears.shtml >> DIY LCD picture frame << Meet Stuart Kennedy, he likes to invent mad stuff out of bits and pieces of equipment he has laying about, including a garden strimmer out of a small universal motor from a spin drier a broom handle and a 'bog-chain'. Best of all? We love his new photo frame, it's the detail on the back that really makes it. http://homepage.ntlworld.com/stuart.kennedy60/dpf.... >> Meat sex doll << When a man hits middle age, his thoughts turn to ham - witness both Weebl's and Joel Veitch's recent pig obsessions, and we think we've found the perfect sex doll to, er, pork. http://snipurl.com/meet_the_wife ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH B3ta told off by fluff lovers "I wish to register a complaint," rages Warrior_Librarian, "To my dismay there was no 'things that make you go aahh' section in this weeks issue of your electronic publication. Please correct this error until next time or I shall be forced to take my business to your competitors." OK then, here's a video sent in by redazril, who writes, "Awww! Cute cat standing on his hind legs. He thinks he's people." http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED LINKYPOOS Check out the brilliant 60-second short created by Oscar winning director Michel Gondry (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind) and Motorola; includes exclusive behind the scenes footage and designs from Gondry’s sketch book. http://tinyurl.com/2b87vq ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a small TV in your browser >> I wanna be a popstar << Rock vid tracking the convoluted career path of a typical, manufactured pop star. They do live fairly baroque lifestyles, don't they? http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_wanna_be_a_pop_star >> How fast is a Formula 1 car? << Enjoyable old-school Top Gear-style spot, pitting a family saloon against a Porsche and a F1 car in a race around Silverstone track. Crazily quick. http://snipurl.com/cars_go_vroom >> 'Celebrity' sex tape << This is porn, make no mistake. Celebrity heads 'artfully' added to scenes of fairly hardcore porn. The amusing thing is that the celebs have clearly been cut from various interviews and their heads blithely keep chatting away, seemingly quite unaware of what their hands are up to with that enormous dildo. Very NSFW indeed. http://www.youporn.com/watch/35540 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Suicides Challenge Last week we wanted to know how animals top themselves. Your favourites included: * BANG - a bold critique of police-state Britain, and brilliant use of classic animated gif (Damocles) * BOOM - proof that elephants don't just use their trunks for retrieving poo from each other's bottoms (HappyToast) * BOSH - in which a snail finds ingenious use for a jar of tippex in a desperate bid for oblivion (Zak McFlimby) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animal_suicides/ >> New challenge: Alternative Christmas Cards << Santa is drunk, the shops have run out of tinsel, and no-one's kissing under the mistletoe. It's an alternative Christmas, and it needs alternative Christmas cards. Design them. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/alternative_christma... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PORN NAME - last week Postbear was filming a porno and wanted YOU to suggest a credit. He says, "I have selected 'Ginger Führer', it resonates most with me. and yes, the umlaut is vital." Er.. very original. * MR SPLASHY PANTS - Igotdamaged blithers, "My wife is the News Editor for the leading magazine for the charity sector - 'Third Sector' and I told her about the Mr Splashy Pants, Greenpeace whale vote that was swayed by B3tans. She ensured that it made the pages of this week's magazine (available in all good newsagents priced £2.40) and an online version of the story can be read here. Third Sector is a weekly bible for anyone in the charity industry. If Greenpeace were previously unaware of why Mr Splashy Pants proved to be such a popular choice, they will now understand that the glorious blame lies firmly at the door of B3TA." http://www.thirdsector.co.uk/Opinion/Login/771110/ * BEST MOUSE TRAPS - lots of email on this subject, here's just a selection: + Put some drops of peppermint oil around everywhere the mouse frequents or emerges from, and it will soon leave and not come back. (fross) + "I live in rat-ridden Jakarta and the only way I have found to keep them out of the house is to clean up a lot. If there's no food for them to eat they'll fuck off. Tough but simple." (revilogreen) + "After mices started eating bread from my kitchen, I hid a poison bait in a bread wrapper & set up this honeypot; poor little guys never had a chance..." (gareth) http://easybinary.com/moulinmouse.jpg * ABBEY ROAD INVADERS - NoSoup4U chirrups, "I gladly wasted my Saturday afternoon crafting Abbey Road Crossing, as per the b3ta newsletter request." What's that phrase? Be careful of what you wish for? http://www.nosoup.net/nosoup4u/b3ta/abbeyroadcross... * B3TA IN 'GOOD FOR STUDENTS' SHOCK - Nostrebor mumbles, "Remember a year or so back when you featured a cool story about a chap who cured his chronic asthma and hayfever by contracting hookworms? Well I study parasites at uni and was at a loss as to what title to pick for my 25% essay this year and after much searching fund that article through b3ta again. I received good marks. Thank you b3ta." Although he then went on to say, "I'm afraid that I couldnt reference you as you are not technically peer reviewed." Which annoyed us slightly as we think our contributions to science are underrated. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Kebabtris If this game was available for our phone, we'd never get off the Tube. To play it is to be addicted. http://franksemails.com/shockwave/souvlaki-tetris.... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. This week we've made our suggestions whilst reading the ART catorgory on Wikipedia. * FAMOUS PAINTINGS PICK THE PRICIEST - display famous and expensive works of art of art side by side, can YOU click the more expensive one? * STATUE COCK QUIZ - from Donatello's David to Michelangelo's Bacchus, this is a quiz about art that's well hung. * DUCHAMPS 'PISS THE FAG ENDS DOWN THE GRILL' URINAL GAME - or possibly something on the theme "René Magritte is a fucking pedant." Furthermore, Chris requests, "My name's Chris (as you may have gathered). I'm currently 1 month into a 9-month tour round the world, and you're not. Great isn't it! I started nicking all the little soap bars and sticking them together into 1 big multi-coloured chunk and it made me think of B3ta. I wonder if any B3tans can think of any other completely useless, but slightly more interesting things I can do while I blow the last 18 months' savings?" Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Links from rosemaryewalton, michael.mcnevin, chickenlady, and thiswasmyclone. Xing the Y from Thor_sonofodin. Subjectline from Want Bartender. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Asciilols from Captn Hood-Butter. ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP Going through a speed trap too fast? If possible, climb out through the sunroof and clap hollowed-out coconuts on the roof. This tricks the camera into thinking you're riding a horse, so you should get away without being flashed. (FizzyLogic) ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you. http://www.sickipedia.org/ _.--.._ ..----.. _..--. ,' `' `' _ `. : ,'; `.`. : | : / \ ) | : `: __ __ : ; `-.| (o_) __ (o_) |-' : ___ ; __ \ (:::) / __ ,' `. `. `-' ,' ,' `. : `-._.`.. `---' _..'._.-' : : ) / \`---''/ \' , ; `._ . / `. / \ -'_.' :-,' `.' `.-: `'-._; Hello My Name :_.-`' / Is \ _:__ Muhammad __:_ ,' _ `. ,' _ `. / ,' `. \ / ,' `. \ : : : : : : : : | | | |::..____.:| | | | : :. ; ; : :. ; ; \ `::.' ,' \ `::.' / `-...-' `-....-' next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive