we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NOW WITH 25 MILLION MORE SUBSCRIBERS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Elephant darts * QUESTION - B3ta goes Daily Mail * COMPO - 'shop a Transformer and win a Macbook ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "COLOSTOMY: OVERUSE ___/ _ |/_ > Don't be gay! << "Hey guys," purrs Kirby. "You might enjoy this short video I made about preventing inadvertent homosexuality." We not only enjoyed it, we are actually following its advice, after some slightly worrisome moments watching it. http://www.goodiebag.tv/episodes/03.htm >> Sprouty Christmas << Ah, the old-time Christmas of Yore; horses trotting through the snow-covered streets; rosy cheeked carollers in top hats; Eyegas's 'Attack of the Sprouts' (2005). The man with leguminous/festive proclivities is back with a sort of sequel. Eat as many sprouts as you can, while venting wind to avoid a nasty explosion. http://www.eyegas.com/sproutifarts/ >> Arty farty lightbulbs << Bored with the bog-standard design of energy-saving bulbs, emotionblurred has come up with some alternative looks that actually make a feature out of their bizarre shape. It's a nice thought, although you'd probably go blind actually looking at them. http://www.plumen.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Desperate Times Last week we asked for stories of desperation: http://b3ta.com/questions/desperatetimes/ * PENGUINS - "I think I was 9 or 10, sat in the back of the car. Idly gazing out of the window I saw a guy come half running, half tripping out of Kwik-Save. He looked slightly different; a look I'd later discover was caused by Downs Syndrome, but that didn't matter. The thing that struck me so hard was the look of pure determination on his face: clutched lovingly in both of his hand was a single packet of Penguin chocolate bars. Seven individually wrapped bars wrapped in one long pack. The moment he was out of the store he started to tear at the cellophane wrapper. He'd clearly been looking forward to them all day. He'd been and got them, they were all his, and now... Now it was all going wrong. The plastic packaging seemed to be impervious to his efforts. He was a strong looking guy, but he simply didn't seem to have the knack of opening them. He must have only tried for 10 or 15 seconds with the package skittering around in his fingers, but during this time his determined expression went through joy, desperation, utter panic, and then, horribly as tears welled up in his eyes - total and utter crushing defeat. He sat on the pavement not three meters from the car and, clutching the penguins to his chest, started to sob and cry. I looked out of the window, hands pressed against it and completely powerless to help. My dad dropped the clutch and we began to move again. I begged him to stop: I wanted to show him I cared and open his penguins for him, but dad said we had no time. Sat here, 20 years on, I can still see his face in every detail, and the frustration of it all makes tears well up and puts a lump in my throat." (Humpty Dumpty was Pushed) * KITTENS - "This is a friend's act of desperation, but also an act of pathetic genius. He wanted a cat. His mother didn't want a cat about the house. So he bought a kitten, and just before bringing it home, he poured water all over it. Then he told her that someone had put it in a bag and thrown it in a river. She felt so sorry for the wee kitty she let him keep it. He was 26 at the time." (Dr Preference) * NAPPIES - "A friend was on a long drive home with her baby son in the car. She got stuck in a long tail back, traffic moving very, very slowly. Fortunately her baby had just been fed and was sleeping soundly. Unfortunately she was desperate for a pee. She tried thinking of other things. She tried listening to the radio. She tried singing along. She tried crossing her legs (no mean feat when you're trying to drive). Eventually she gave in. Grabbing the baby's change bag she retrieved a clean nappy, opened it up, slipped it under her skirt, knickers aside and began to pee. Baby nappies are designed for baby amounts of pee. She attempted to stop the flow... The baby was still very young and she hadn't been as diligent with her pelvic floor exercises as she should have been. It cost 40 pounds to get the car valeted." (chickenlady) >> This Week's Question << Has Political Correctness gone mad, or is that just a convenient newspaper cliché? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/politicalcorrectness/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Is it Christmas? << Not much to say about this that wouldn't spoil the gag. BTW: Also available as a RSS feed. http://www.isitchristmas.com/ >> Fold a towel elephant << Got a spare towel? Need an elephant? Help is at hand with this guide to creating an elephant out of a towel. Why not stuff a few in your airing cupboard and build a playtime elephant graveyard for the kids? http://www.wikihow.com/Fold-a-Towel-Elephant >> Extremely harsh web comic << We met a bloke who worked with Viz the other day, he mentioned that they'd complain "There's no good new talent anymore" and he'd say, "Why don't you open the pile of submissions that's 500-deep in the other room?" Anyway, THIS is what they should be publishing, not rubbish sub-b3ta photoshops. http://www.electricretard.com/0010.html >> 'Money shots' << Imaginative use of dollars, lining up the artwork with the public monuments depicted. For bonus points try with British notes and the Queen or Florence Nightingale. http://de.fishki.net/picsw/112007/19/bonus2/2.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Puppies on-the-go Dog panniers doesn't sound too promising, but look at their cute little faces! We're just sad that our mums can't carry us to work like that. http://www.internet-memes.com/images/puppiesontheg... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Talking cats revisited << A new soundtrack added to the 'talking cats' vid that has been around a while. Nice voice characterisation. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tiem >> Elephant darts << Darts contest between a human and an elephant. Interesting that there seems to be a definite correlation between one's weight and one's proficiency at the noble, winged sport. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Three ways to melt chocolate bunnies << Those Dutch love a memento mori. Stylish film of chocolate rabbits being slowly destroyed to the accompaniment of a mellow, crooning soundtrack. Both pretty and disturbing. http://www.lernert.nl/haas.html >> Bouncing sheep << Sheer fluffy joy as Bambi the sheep happily jumps about on her owners' bed. Aww. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kids_just_love_to_jump_o... >> Petition to ban water << Old but amusing stunt by Penn & Teller, getting the well-meaning-but-stupid to lend their names to a campaign aimed at banning the use of life-giving H2O. There's a moral there, but we were too busy laughing at the thickies to pay it much mind. http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_m_starting_a_petition_... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still not funny, still not a corner "For your never-ending list of funny names", writes Emily Nixon, "Local police officer Sgt. Ray Pugh was involved in a high speed chase here in metro Atlanta the other day." In case you've missed the joke try saying 'Ray Pugh' out loud. http://snipurl.com/killyourselfnow ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Kids' TV Challenge Last week we wanted to know what happened next for the characters of kids' TV. Your favourites included: * MOWGLI - life after the jungle was never going to be easy (Damocles) * CAPTAIN SCARLET - Without the Mysterons to battle, the good Captain's career took an unexpected turn east (Beau Bo d'Or) * ZIPPY - with Bungle no longer at his side, Zippy's life was one tragedy after another (The Great Architect) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kidstv/ >> New challenge: Transformers << Oooh, we've got a sponsored image challenge: Paramount is releasing the Transformers DVD on the 3rd of December and wants you to take an ordinary thing, say a stapler, and photoshop it into a Transformer. Best of all? We've got a shed-load of prizes to give away: a lovely Macbook, an HD DVD player, and 5 HD DVD copies of the film. http://snipurl.com/transformersdvdchall ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * NO HANDS IN THE NEWS - remember the kitten with his hands up? He's been implicated in a very serious crime and we're dreadfully sorry. http://www.flickr.com/photos/from1993/2050365710/ * PERETUAL PENCIL PEDANTRY - meercat writes (and we can't be arsed to give you the back story as we're so, so bored of this), "The last bit of s.bradshaw's 'How Long Can a Pencil Draw' calculation assumes there 1500 metres in a mile, but there are 1600. So it should be 5.5e4 / 1600 = 34.37 miles (assuming the rest was correct). Hopefully this will stem the tide of people complaining their pencil ran out 2 miles too soon." Also thanks to the literally three or four people who pointed out that the whole thing is an exercise in futility, as the pencil has not been sharpened. ------------------------------------------------- : JOEL AND WEEBL'S SHONKY ADS Linking them coz otherwise they'll hit us Joel and Jonti both have soft-toy tie-ins to flog to you in the all-important pre-festive retail window - and they are not shy about telling you. We can vouch for Jonti's badgers being a nice little pressie you could get even for someone who'd never heard of the internet. Joel's offering is rather more peculiar - but the demented energy of the ending made us grin. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Baby+Badgers/ http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rathergood_Toys_Song ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HEWLETT PACKARD RHYMING SLANG FOR KNACKERED - organise the black ops PR campaign, we know you can do it as you did such a good job with James Blunt / cunt. * DMCA / YCMA MASH UP - "Old man, there's a place you can go. I said, old man, when you're short on your dough. It's fun to sue with the D.C.M.A" * FACEBOOK APPLICATION JAMMER - please oh please can someone make something that stops all requests from all applications except ones on an approved list. Our list. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by chickenlady, kip666 Top Tippery by FNORD Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta la la la. Thanks to Tacky Tiger for the lovely title. ------------------------------------------------- NOTSICKIPEDIA: First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive