we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: SUBJECT LINE REMOVED ON LEGAL ADVICE next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DESPERATE WANKS? - Drawing your own porn? Really? * EARLY CHRISTMAS CARD - You'll nick this idea * VIDEO - Relentless and shit Guitar Hero gags ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "So rubbish.... ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Money burning a hole in your marketing budget? http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Polls, Parsley Boobs, Quo and Christmas >> Ask the web << Upload two pictures to this site to make an instant public poll, whether it be which shirt to wear or if you should cycle to work today. The real draw, though, is the weirdness of things that other people seek guidance on. "My personal favourite: best beard in international cricket," chirps b3tard markhforsyth. Girls who submit a 'what outfit should I choose?' should be aware that internet nerds will likely vote for the one that displays the most cleavage. Something to bear in mind. http://www.thisonethatone.com >> Parsley Boobs IV << The plot thickens in the latest episode of Jonti's ambitious time-travel epic. Well, perhaps 'thickens' is a little strong, but there are dinosaurs - and who hates dinosaurs? http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Parsley+Boobs+ep... >> Guitar Hero: Status Quo << Tedious proudly presents his special edition of the Playstation classic. "Because," he says, "Some jokes never get old. Just like Status Quo." http://www.thomasscott.net/quo/ >> Surprise Christmas card << "I spent Saturday afternoon making this lovely thing," beams Lazlo Woodbine. Thanks Lazlo - that is frighteningly good. There's definitely an emphasis on 'frightening', mind you. http://www.b3ta.com/board/7773952 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Abusing Freebies Last week we asked if you were capable of any restraint when presented with free stuff. It seems not: http://b3ta.com/questions/abusingfreebies/ * WELL HARD - "My folks were given loads of promotional stuff from drug companies hawking their wares - nothing expensive, stationary mainly. One time my Mum was given a gimmicky towel, a small towel that had been compressed into a wee brick, and could be uncompressed and used normally after soaking in water. She kindly gave it to 14 year old me, as I though it was quite cool. I took the wee brick with me to an Army camp with the cadets (nice and compact, saved on packing and carrying). A couple of days in, I thought I might need a small towel and soaked the brick in the sink for ten minutes. It softened up, and I pulled it out of the sink by its corners, proudly displaying the legend "VAGISIL" to the other hard as fuck army cadets in the room. Er, thanks Mum." (Udidin) * NUTS - "My mates and I were flying to Buenos Aires - one wanted to grab as many bags of complimentary nuts as possible, "so I don't have to buy lunch during the day when we are there." To help her, we kept wandering to the different food prep areas on the plane saying we were hungry and can we have a bag of nuts? This continued for the entire 8 hour flight - we manage to amass around 85 bags of them. As the plane started its descent, a gaggle of giggling Space Waitresses arrived at our seats. One had a very large, brown, hard-wearing carrier bag (the type with straw handles) 3/4 full of peanuts and dumped the entire lot on our laps. We shrieked with laughter and delight, raised our arms in triumph \o/ and told them they were the best Space Waitresses EVER to grace the skies. On the return trip some of the crew were the same and as we took off, one came over to us and said "We have plenty of nuts if you are interested". We were all somewhat peanutted-out by then and politely declined." (Flowerpot) * PENCILS - "Forced by your significant other to go on a family trip to IKEA? Liven up an otherwise dull and boring experience by offering a prize to your offspring for the child who can steal the most pencils. The boy Scaryduck Jr - who rattled as he walked past the tills - won with 186, pipping his sister who racked up a mere 152. Subsequent shopping trips can be enlivened by stealing all the pens from Argos and confusing the staff by replacing them all with IKEA pencils. And there's literally pence to be made from your swag at car boot sales. I realise, as the evil Fagin figure behind this sorry affair, that I should be doing hard time in a Scandinavian prison, forced to knit lingerie for the female inmates. Where do I hand myself in?" (Scaryduck) >> This Week's Question << Our special QOTW correspondent ScaryDuck was once so desperate he resorted to drawing his own porn. Surely you've never been that needy? You have? Tell us about it: http://b3ta.com/questions/desperatetimes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Collapsing shop page << Cleverly-set-up website for a Dutch retailer. Looks fairly nondescript, but mouse-over the blue cup on the right... pandemonium! http://producten.hema.nl/ >> Trick family pictures << Endearing gallery of child photography, with the twist being the budget special effect of making them lie down and pretend to be flying, diving etc. Surprisingly effective, looks quite dreamlike. The Ghostbusters one is excellent. http://www.janvonholleben.com/dreams_of_flying.php >> Ten words that don't mean what you think << A list of words that are commonly misused, rated according to how much of a dick you would have to be to pull people up on it. Some of these seem borderline to us - is anybody really puzzled as to the meaning of nonplussed? - but it's still a good read. http://snipurl.com/wordytwats >> Mike or dyke? << This was actually an idea we had for a quiz back in the day. Now someone has put the wheels in motion and gathered up photographs of celebrity blokes who resemble butch women. http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : PUN WATCH Man sentenced for fucking bike Possibly the most commented on recent news story has been the, oh fuck it, here's a paste from BBC news: "Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex." We're mentioning this because we're amused by the number of puns it's produced. * "I think he should be strung up, these bloody pedalphiles" - via the b3ta talk board. * "He's a cycle path!" - via Cr3 in our office. * "Since when was a it a crime to be bike curious?" (We made that one up ourselves. Sorry.) ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like flickbooks with bonus witchcraft >> Monkey band << There are those in advertising who think that gorillas playing drums are a new thing. They're completely forgetting that similarly-simian Lancelot and the Evolution Revolution got there first in the pre-Phil Collins days of the 1970s. Happier times indeed. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Lancelot_and_The_Evoluti... >> 24 - the 1994 pilot << A series of great gags about how far communication technology has come in such a short time - "150k? We can't email that. Let's print it." http://snipurl.com/241994 >> German kid vs. Star wars girl << The last time the USA and Germany fought, Nagasaki was atomic-bukkaked. This time it's just cyber rofls. http://snipurl.com/hermanthegerman >> Cowbell hero << As the web takes recent console game Guitar Hero III to heart, you wonder quite why Activision are bothering to make any marketing material when the fans will do it for them. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cowbell_Hero >> Casting gags << Marketeers! If you're stuck for a idea for a web viral, then hold an open casting and edit up the crappest participants. It never fails. This one: looking for someone tough! http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_hope_you_like_pain ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER (Not funny or a corner) * C BUTT Ltd. - Distribution and logistics company. You'd want to work for them purely to carry the business card... http://www.cbutt.co.uk * FOREIGN FUNNY NAMES - Cheers to notenglishthankgod, alert to the plethora of innocent-sounding words with dirty meanings in a foreign language. The Honda Fitta had to be renamed in Scandinavian countries, as no-one wanted to drive a car called 'cunt'. And here's Honda again with the Enis - a car just begging for a smart-arse passer-by with a marker pen. http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1327/704008064_9e84... ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK I Sans The Serif For reasons best known to the Ginger Fuhrer himself, he's spent most of the week singing "I sans the serif" to the tune of a rather famous ditty by Sir Robert Marley. Maybe you'd like to buy the corresponding t-shirt? http://snipurl.com/i_sans_the_serif ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE We can't bring you the results of last weeks challenge, but it was widely written about in the online press. If you missed it, here's some links. * The Register calls us a 'popular UK website' http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/11/14/prince_b3t... * Whilst the Guardian describes us as having 'frequently deviant and often inspired visual comedy.' http://snipurl.com/grauniad * Best of all? The Times, with 'celebrated, and frequently scatological' http://snipurl.com/tehtimes >> New challenge: Life After Kids' TV << What happened next for the characters of Kids' TV? Did SuperTed end up on the brown? Maybe Bananaman rented his banana out on the game? Only you and Photoshop can decide. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/kidstv/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * QOTW CREATES CITY INTRIGUE "I thought you might be interested in a bit of QotW feedback", writes Cullexus,"A letter appeared in the Times business section." http://snipurl.com/bizzybiz And here's the post in question. Let's hope no one gets fired. BTW: It's nice for The Times to describe us a "scurrilous" in the same week as "frequently scatological." Our mother will be proud. http://b3ta.com/questions/expensivemistakes/post95... * FIZZY PISS - Afinkawan dribbles, "No, it's not possible for carbonated drinks to turn your piss fizzy. The carbon dioxide would become carbonic acid (H2CO3) long before it was expelled in your urine. Fizzy piss is far more likely to be caused by proteins in your urine due to a kidney infection or diabetes. I'd go see a doctor if I was you." * HOW MUCH CAN A PENCIL WRITE - s.bradshaw scribbles, "The structure of graphite is layers of carbon, where one layer at a time is rubbed off onto the paper. The diameter of a carbon atom is about 140 picometres (1.4e-10 m). Let's say that the graphite rod in a pencil is about 1mm in diameter and about 15 cm long, giving it a volume of around 4.5e-9 m^3, with a usable volume of graphite (accounting for the distance between layers) of about half this (2.3e-9). Estimating that maybe 3 layers at a time are rubbed off, if one is moderately heavy handed, then the raised cross-sectional area of a graphite mark on a piece of paper is about 3 * 1.4e-10 * 1e-4 = 4.2e-14 m^2. (2.3e-9)/(4.2e-14) = 5.5e4 m 5.5e4 / 1500 (metres per mile) = 37 miles, Hmmmm.... Not bad and I didn't even cook the numbers (much)." ------------------------------------------------- : RED HOT PORK SANDWICH Californication Portmanteau Game Results Last week we invented a completely brilliant game where we asked you to think of a place and sexual act and combine them with the lost art of portmanteau. Your entries include: * "Stoke-on-Trent boy, or Bangor till it hurts" (SamTheMan) * "Chicagoatse, and my fave Memphisting" (Jabber) * "Chelseamen swallower or Isle Of Doggy style" (Big Al) * "Sidcup the Arse" suggests jamessinden, although we'd have gone with "Sidcup two chicks..." BTW: Fail of the week goes to rhcpaul who writes, "I am contractually obliged to send an email to correct your spelling of 'red hot chili peppers' in newsletter 302" Apparently we stuck 2 Ls in it. Happily we replied with "you are a very sad man with an exceptionally small penis." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * EDIBLE ALBUM COVERS - Dismantle a big mac and press the baps to your ears, like some hamburgery Craig David. Instantly, you are the jacket of Born To Do It. Can you recreate other classic covers, using common foodstuffs? * REVERSE HEAT MAG - Snidey journalists are always knocking celebs for the way they look and dress, but we bet they have a few easily-found embarrassing pics of their own - a mere facebook search away. Why not stick a bunch together to form your own cheap gossip magazine - bonus points for getting a minor celeb to write the mean captions about cellulite and knobbly knees. * FATTIES' ADVENT CALENDAR - A chocolate for every day of the month, all year long. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- TANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Darklord, Giles Thomas, Subject line from WS woz ere. Other bits from songsforeveryone. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: I live near a remedial school. There's a sign on the road outside that says "SLOW CHILDREN". That can't be good for their self-esteem. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive