we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WARNING: YOUR SUBSCRIPTION TO CHOIRBOY FISTING MAGAZINE IS ABOUT TO EXPIRE." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MENTAL - Cyriak does it again * QUESTION - Your stupidest dares * VIDEO - At home with Henry Rollins ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're looking up ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Tattoo your brand on our balls with our 'gonad'vertising. You'd be 'nuts' not too. Cock also available. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Cyriak, cartoons and shitty >> Mutated moo << We know it's a cliché to look at b3tards' animation and say they are wrong in the head - but Cyriak is. He's. Wrong. In. The. Head. http://www.b3ta.com/links/MOO >> Cartoonist v cartoonist blog << B3tard cartoonists extraordinaire Bigeyedeer and Seemikedraw run a blog where they pick a random word as a theme then try to outdo each other's comic efforts. It's good stuff and, as it links off to their individual sites, should keep you supplied with wry chuckles for a not insignificant whiles. http://pencilsatdawn.wordpress.com/ >> 'Polystation 3' review << Dr. Ashen returns with another scathing review of some gaming tat he bought off the market. It's incredible that games haven't advanced a jot from the distant days of our childhood, but the casings have been redesigned to mimic whatever console is currently hot. Who are they trying to fool? Have they succeeded? http://www.b3ta.com/links/PolyStation_3_review ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Expensive Mistakes We wanted to know the most expensive mistake you've ever made: http://b3ta.com/questions/expensivemistakes/ Chart Cat's wonderful story of a banking fuck-up that almost caused the Euro to be devalued and cost the bank in question $100 million in fines is far too long to quote here, so here's some shorter entries of money down the plughole: * DIRTY FUCKING SCUM CUNTS - "For legal reasons, and cos I'm still a bit scared, I can't name anyone involved, but I used to work for a company making cheat code devices for consoles. I made stand alone cheat/update discs. For a new football game this involved correcting all the team names, player names, badges, etc. For fun, I substituted 'Dirty Fucking Scum Cunts' for the team name on one of the badges. By the time it was flattened to a low res bitmap it was unreadable. We had a good laugh about this. The disc sold very well across Europe until two weeks later. An 8 year old had zoomed in on it. The boy wasn't sure what it said, but his Dad had a much better idea... The press started phoning us asking for questions. The football club started phoning us threatening legal action. The product had to be recalled, re-mastered and re-issued at an estimated cost of a quarter of a million pounds. FIFA got involved and were rather upset, as were a large video games company, who'd paid a lot of money for exclusive rights to team names. I was asked to leave (they insisted really). Fascists." (The Louce) * STAMP LIGHTS STAMP LIGHTS FLAMES - "When I was about four, my favourite toy was this walking robot. It stood a tall 10 inches and had a light display in its chest. When it was powered up by some batteries, it would march forward, stop, then do this light display and then repeat the process. 'Twas not gifted with great variety, but it made a lot of noise and looked cool. One day, the batteries run out: cool robot becomes quiet plastic statue to the 4 year old. Obviously the 4 year old wants this resolved, so I bring this to the attention of my father. This was my expensive mistake. He has a look around, but can't find any batteries. So he decided to improvise. He opened up the battery compartment and connected a spare CAR BATTERY. STAMP STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP SMOKE STAMP STAMP LIGHTS STAMP FLAMES STAMP LIGHTS LIGHTS FLAMES FLAMES FLAMES... Dad disconnected the car battery. It was too late. The robot had run straight into a wall and was burning itself into the skirting, a lump of disfigured toy with the smell of plastic death emanating from it. I loved that toy." (Jeccy) * MR ZIPPAH DE DOO DAH - "I used to work for a software house making bespoke systems for councils. These were nice little earners, 25-75k/year, so we would work hard at getting everything *just so* for that all important first sales pitch in front of the great and the good of the council. So we are all set up and ready for a demo. The system is hooked up to a Barco in glorious Gianto-Vision, very important so that everyone can read all the words. The first of the dummy records is called up, and an audible gasp comes from the audience. It would appear that our rather unreconstructed Directory of Marketing has decided to key some test data into the system, so the first person in the database is: "Mr Zippah De Doo Dah, 10 Am Dat Wate'melon Street, Blacksville, Darkie Town." He'd been busy because the next few were, shall we say, similar in tone. Oddly, we didn't get that contract." (The Fifth Elephant) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your stupidest dares. http://b3ta.com/questions/stupiddares/ ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Swirly Face Man Celebrating everyone's favourite paedophile, comes our Swirly Face t-shirt. Ideal for childrens, new ravers and those not blessed with the skills to fully understand the implications of photoshop filters. http://snipurl.com/swirlyfacemantshirt ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Sleeve note reviews << We know the record industry doesn't need our sympathy, but we were recently struck that with the advent of MP3s and iPods that we hadn't really noticed any album art in years. Despite the world looking the other way, there's still some fantastic work going on in this area, as evidenced by this enjoyable blog. http://sleevage.com/wiley-playtime-is-over/ >> The art of sharpening pencils << There can a great deal of pleasure to be had from a minutely-detailed explanation of some mundane activity. This guy enthusiastically outlines the various methods and styles of pencil sharpening - and makes it interesting! http://matthewjamestaylor.com/blog/the-art-of-shar... >> Wolverhampton ring road tramp << "Being from Wolverhampton", suggests fizzyorguk, "Rob must have been saddened to hear of the tragic passing of Fred the ring road tramp, Wolverhampton's only real celebrity. How about an Elton John style b3ta tribute, 'good bye England's tramp...'" Hmm, we can't promise you that, but we do suggest that you re-read this classic B3ta QOTW on local nutters that was directly inspired by our old friend, Josef Stawinoga. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/localnutters/ >> Joss Whedon new TV show << Small whoops of nervous joy have been heard in B3ta HQ at the news that Buffy creator Joss Whedon is returning to his true home, television, with a new show. Fingers crossed it won't get cancelled or flop like his last few projects. http://snipurl.com/pleasebegood >> Disturbing Halloween costume << Most people go to Halloween parties dressed as a cat, pirate, The Crow or a vampire. The idea is, you can still look cool and, if so inclined, pull. Then there are people who go to extra lengths to express their weird creativity. Kind of NSFW, this. http://snipurl.com/dontclickthisnsfw ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH There is nothing cute left in the world. It's all gone black. Will the last one out of the room please turn off the lights. ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Despite most comments on YouTube being completely useless, we were heartened recently to spot one saying "nobody makes your breath stink of cock, like batchelors bell end soup." So huzzah for that and on with the show. >> How to hide your stash << Ex-policemen explains (at length) how to avoid getting caught while transporting drugs. It's interesting stuff, although he has a tendency to belabour the point. Then again, he is trying to teach this stuff to stoners... http://snipurl.com/omgzdrugslols >> At home with Henry Rollins << Some good-natured mucking about with a camcorder at the home of the legendary punk frontman. Not sure if it's his missus or a PA behind the camera. That said, he still snaps into scary pretty easily. The freezer is the best bit. He's an odd bloke - we want more. http://21361.com/website/COTM/nov07.html >> Cat cutlery << The key phrase here is "after her children left home"; this woman trained her cat to eat with cutlery so that it could dine at the table with her and her hapless husband. She must have been quite extraordinarily bored. Anyway, now she believes that cat would like to be in films and to meet Tiger Woods. Hmm. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Indian condom song << Jaunty public service commercial that plays like a sort of Bhangra Teletubbies. Extremely long, extremely elaborate. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Tourette's add-on << Simple Firefox browser addon that will insert swearwords into any text you try to type. The appeal, obviously, is to download it onto the computer of someone who isn't in on it and watch their bewildered features as a simple work memo becomes obscene gibberish. http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_simple_firefox_extensi... >> Misheard Bollywood lyrics << We've seen an awful lot of those 'misheard lyric' things on the interwebs, so our tolerance is pretty high. But we couldn't restrain a grin at this epic production - it's a very classy number, combining elaborate dancing, garbled words and some excellent comical posing as a bonus. http://snipurl.com/condomstani >> Saudi Arabian king = Darth Vader? << The horseguards band perhaps making a subtle point about the UK visit of Saudi Arabian monarch King Abdullah. After the first half-minute or so the report starts on about dodgy human rights records and such. http://snipurl.com/dahdahdadah ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Spoonerisms Challenge Last week we wanted to you to mess with the language. Your favourites included: * RAVING PRIVATE CYAN - nothing, even giving you the joke in advance, can prepare you for the splendour of this entry (biovalve) * VERYDISCO CHANNEL - another rather lovely dance-themed submission. We're tempted to stuff pills down our scragg (k_cick) * JAMIE OLIVER - years have passed, and he's still a cunt (sPUNKer) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/spoonerisms/ >> New challenge: Robots << We love robots, so we've decided to unleash another of our occasional one-word challenges. As long as it's robot-themed, it's in. Go mental. Challenge suggested by mictoboy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/one-word-robots/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * PR0NNIEST GIRLS' NAMES - "After your challenge in 298 Newsletter," sniggers anthonydeane, "I have painstakingly researched Google Images and made a table of the girls' names with the porniest results. It was hard work." We can only imagine just how hard - and then, perhaps, wish we hadn't. Anyway, it's all quite detailed with statistical weighting and everything. http://www.anthonydeane.com/b3ta/pics/girls.htm ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LOO ROLL VIDEO - Can you unroll a toilet roll from, and stretch is from the bog, all round the house, flush and watch it be gobbled like spaghetti? (Actually, this was a top tip from VIZ from a few years back, but it could make a nice video, although we suspect the paper wouldn't need to be strengthened by tape.) * HOW MUCH WRITING IN A PENCIL? - take an ordinary pencil and draw a line on the ground, how far can you go before you run out of lead? Will you make it to you local shop? Will you be arrested? Watch the video back on fast forward. * CD ART - make a massive office mural from stick different coloured bits of card in CD jewel boxes and making a DIY pixel art thingie. Possible of a famous Album cover like Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by lolwhites, the_log_knows. Top Tippery by Carling in a Stella glass Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Surprise rape to b4ta. (Brackets) Subject line by Zak McFlimby. ------------------------------------------------- TIPUS TOPUS: "Where has Top Tips Fucked off to of late?" demands Carling in a Stella glass belligerently. "It's the only reason I trawl through this pile of janx every week.Lemon juice takes the nicotine off your fingers so you don't have to look like your middle one's been up a homo's bottom." Thanks. Thanks for that, Carling. Be like the leper who uses a hooker: leave a tip. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ ------------------------------------------------- NONSTICKIPEDIA: What's green and smells like yellow paint? Green Paint. http://www.sickipedia.org/search.php next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive