we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SWIRLY FACE MAN'S FAVOURITE LINKS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TOY - Cubicle freakout * FUNNY NAME CORNER - Introducing Miss Puke * PHOTOS - Squishy shoe fetish ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're getting internet ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Where do you see ions? Only in Enya. In Enya they've got ions. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Games, Swears and book signing bollocks >> Cubicle Freakout << "Alright B3ta monkeys", chatters Eyegas, "A while ago you put my Attack Of My Sprouts Christmas game in your newsletter (which was terribly nice of you), and about two years later I've finally got round to doing another one. It called "Cubicle Freakout", and it's dedicated to frustrated office workers the world over." http://www.eyegas.com/cubiclefreakout/ >> Swear machine << "Last Friday I made a website that displays random swearwords in a random size on a random coloured background", profanes Andy, "You can also add new swearwords to the batch by clicking on the little + sign in the top left." Huzzah, and we also like that Andy finished his email with, "PS - fucking ace newsletter." http://www.swearalot.com/ >> Eat the Alphabet << A few months ago your Ginger Fuhrer was nattering to Fraser from Kittenwar and he challenged him to eat the alphabet, A is for antelope - Z is for Zebra etc. Fraser - the cocky shit - only went and sold the idea to the Guardian and got a column out of it. Read it here. BTW: Fraser and Tomsk will be doing a book signing 7pm tonight, Friday 19 Oct, at The Art Gallery, Foyles Book Shop, 113-119 Charing Cross Road. We'll be there. Will you? http://snipurl.com/eatthealphabet ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Voyeurism Last week we asked if you've watched or been watched. Lots of you seem to have binoculars: http://b3ta.com/questions/voyeurism/ * SCOUTING - "Once upon a time in a city in Engerlaaand, I got hideously drunk dressed as a Scout. I'd managed to lose all my mates (also dressed as Boy Scouts and Brownies). My memory of the evening kicks in at about the point where I was slouched in a doorway, 'pleasuring' a girl with my hand down her knickers, slobbering into her mouth when a riot van full of coppers pulls up, the passenger window goes down and the friendly copper in the passenger seat says 'Steady on Sam, you don't know where he's been.' Cue the blue lights, siren, much laughing and the riot van speeds away. Poor old Sam the policewoman has been caught by her co-workers being fingered by a 22 year old drunk man dressed as a Scout." (Biromunch) * WANKING - "My folks bought a camcorder and being about 14 at the time, I decided that filming myself having a wank was the most creative use of this shiny new toy. Now, obviously, I knew how sensitive this sort of material can be when you've got two sisters, so I thought the best place to leave the tape was in the camera. In the cupboard. Where everyone had access to it. It wouldn't have been so bad, but my younger sister showed it to all of her friends who promptly told theirs and so on and so on. 12 years later and the story still comes back to me on occasion, with more and more embellishments each time. The most recent version has me fucking a teddy bear while wearing a skin tight catsuit and shouting my mother's name. I also found photos my sister took of her vag, but being a decent sort of a bloke I have said nothing as yet. Also, I went to school with the guy who delivers my parents' post. He said that one day while delivering to their house, he caught - through the window - a glimpse of my dad wanking into the fruit bowl. What the fuck is wrong with my family?" (JayHay) * DOGGING - "I was sitting in a pub in Wakefield having a loud conversation about dogging, with a guy who I had only just met. Apparently he and the gf were into it, and one of the rules is windows down = come over and join in. The couple were getting down to it with him face first in her lady parts when he feels someone reach through the window and start to give some hand relief. Not thinking to look until he's at the vinegar strokes, he looked round to see a filthy wizened old man clutching his penis. In his words, 'he was like a tiny, homeless Alf Garnet and he was touching my cock.' We were all staring into our pints looking a bit embarrassed when he filled the silence with, 'The worst thing about it is that that was the best handjob I have EVER received in my life.'" (willenium) >> This Week's Question << Conned someone? Perhaps you hustled a few quid off a stranger, or defrauded a multi-national company. Or have you been taken for the wide-eyed, naive rube that you are?: http://b3ta.com/questions/conned/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> iPod fingersocks << Intended to protect your shiny new iPod Touch from the corrosive grease of your disgusting, fat fingers, these resemble nothing so much as thigh boots for your hands. Way sexy! http://www.iphonemod.com/ >> Prison hooch << Readers with longer memories may recall a link we ran some time ago about the evil-yet-still-piss-weak prison brew known as pruno. This 'prison wine' is cut from much the same stinky cloth, but the pictures and commentary are great, making it well worth the look. http://www.thesneeze.com/mt-archives/000373.php >> Pixel art << Pretty basic 'make your own pixel art' app. The nice bit is being able to see the massed array of everyone else's tiny creations too. http://pixelarts.6x.to/ >> Squishy shoe fetish << It's frightening what you can stumble on when following up on people who mark your Flickr photos as favourites. Here's an entire gallery devoted to crushing squishable things while wearing high-heeled shoes. Then spoogeing on them. http://snipurl.com/shoespooge ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINKYPOOS We Love Odd-Shaped Balls England stunned the Aussies and shocked the French. If the Springboks are anything like this motley bunch the trophy’s theirs. http://tinyurl.com/2o9pc9 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Coz you're not sick of YouTube links are you? >> Pretty girl, shit trumpet player << Disastrous attempt by a beauty pageant contestant to dance and play the Star Wars theme in the 'talent' section of the show. What we figure must have happened is that the backing track was played in the wrong key and she just gamely carried on with her act. That doesn't change the fact that she is utterly terrible though. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Trumpet_Girl >> Creepy animated graffiti << 'John Carpenter meets Banksy' would be a lazy way to describe this stop-motion fruit of countless hours slapping paint around in an abandoned warehouse. It would, however, be rather accurate too. Much wall-scuttling and body-splitting ensues. http://snipurl.com/isecondthatmotion >> Mattress-mounted shotgun << Just when we start to think that America is sane, something like this comes along. It's a gun-rack to keep your firearms within easy reach by the side of your bed. Ideally-placed for bleary-eyed blasting of your toddler when he unexpectedly walks into the room during the night. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Excellent mirror prank << Put identical twins on either side of a sheet of glass made up to look like a mirror in public toilets. Film people's reactions when they notice that their own reflection is missing. We'd probably assume that we'd been turned invisible and creep around spying on things we shouldn't. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Mirror_prank >> Extremely fresh sushi << One of the worrying things about sushi is that you always wonder about how long it's been left sitting around, going manky. That's definitely not an issue here, as this meal shows that it is still clinging onto life. Eww! http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER With added phallus! * MISS PUKE - Thai massage that somehow fails to tempt. http://www.misspuke.net/ * CUBIST FRUIT-COCK - food promotion from Australian supermarket features a rather worrying fruity construction. The glistening pink tip is particularly attention-grabbing. http://snipurl.com/suckmyfruitycock ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK I Love Heroin Your Ginger Fuhrer recently started a Facebook group "I love Heroin". It lasted about two weeks before the mods gave him a slap and took it down. This annoyed him somewhat and in response he spent valuable time making a t-shirt to celebrate his love of the brown. Ha. Take that Facebook. http://snipurl.com/iloveheroin ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Inappropriate Actors Challenge Results Last week we wanted you to portray actors playing inappropriate roles. Your favourites included: * CHRISTOPHER REEVE - meets his nemesis in this beautiful tale of equine romance (Koit) * STEVIE WONDER - as a hard-bitten, hard-nosed cop facing difficulty at every turn (Donkey Gums) * HEATHER MILLS - brilliantly re-enacting *that scene* from Basic Instinct (dbroon) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actors/ >> New challenge: Infidels! << In the West we love berating our enemies around the globe, but how do you think they see us? Do we live in caves and go to the toilet wherever we want? Fire up Photoshop and make some propaganda against the West. Challenge suggested by Friz. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/infidels/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. DIY SHOCKSITE VIRAL - "I just wrote 'www.cupchicks.com' on 300 quid's worth of tenners," titters SickRik with ghoulish glee, the evil swine. Needless to say, this is another url for shock site du jour '2 girls 1 cup'. You'd be well advised to follow this line of enquiry no further. And think twice before using such a tenner to pay the nice lady at the sweet counter in Woolworths. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Super-fun wordy double bill! >> Word web << Word association game. Fill up the whole network by guessing the connections between words. We're not sure we really got the trick of it, but it certainly kept us entertained for a number of minutes. http://shygypsy.com/farm/p.cgi >> What's the definition? << You're presented with a word and four choices of possible meaning. Simple enough. The twist? They're donating rice to hungry people for every answer you get right. Actually, one of these where they send increasing amounts of pizza round our house would be quite nice. http://www.freerice.com/index.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * REALITY TV SHOW - "infiltrate a group of extremist Islamic militants and replace their bombs with devices that'll knock them out for a day or two. Then, when they wake up, they'll be in heaven, but it'll be a twist, it will be our televised whacky version of heaven. They'll be all the different religious leaders, who'll force them to do 'tasks' every day, like 'Swim the equivalent of The Channel'. They will win their virgins, except with a twist, they'll all be pre-op transsexual male-to-females." (Thanks to 90Nz0 for this suggestion.) * LOLBOB DYLAN - Remake the Subterranean Homesick Blues video with a big Dylan cat and cards saying, "I'm in ur basement mixing ur medicine." (Thanks Rob Wakefield) * ICHAT LEE HAZELWOOD AND NANCY SINATRA - make a cheapo live performance video for Did You Ever using a instant message application. LEEHAZELWOOD48: Did you ever? NANCY16: All the time. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Grubbymitts, Admiral_T, patrickolemouche, sallyannmorrison, We are the lemon, thiess914, pixelmixer, Ben Goldacre, Toist, kowali, John_Anon_Smith, hahn Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter title from The Artist Formerly Known As Crab Bloke. Xing the Y from Wicca'd Witch. ------------------------------------------------- NOT VERY SICKIPEDIA BUT PROBABLY STILL IN POPBITCH NEXT WEEK: A chicken walks up to a duck stood at the side of the road, and says 'Don't do it mate, you'll never hear the end of it!' http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive