we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "ARTHUR SCARGILL: A BIOGRAPHY OF A MINER CELEBRITY (AND STILL ONLY 55P!)" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Cat on treadmill * PORN BLOOPERS - "You've spooged the wrong face" * QUESTION - Confess your voyeurisms ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want ad props? Then book "team sausage". http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, nonsense and poppycocks >> Drive-by projecting << Wordbomb has scored himself a poncey projector and has been amusing himself by sticking messages on the street, in a light grafitti stylee. Best bit? Projecting rain and an umbrella onto some unsuspecting wazzock. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Drive_by_Projecting >> Mr Potatohead obscura << MrTruffle lisps, "I've done a collection of less-popular franchises like Clockwork Orange, Hellboy, Scream and rendered them as Mr. Potatoheads. And not in a shit way, I actually wasted many hours and money doing this shit." http://mrpotatomash.com/ >> Quopedia vandalism << "Hello b3ta Towers," blurps danbull45, "We would like to divulge to you the following very sinister secret. Using a variety of aliases and cunning page edits, we have now subtly shopped Status Quo into nearly 200 different photos on Wikipedia. Our aim is for every image in Wikipedia to have Teh Quo hidden somewhere within it. We'd like to show you the fruits of our labour, but for obvious reasons can't reveal the location of each image - so here is a taster of our handiwork. Perhaps your newsletter's readers could aid us in our glorious mission?" http://snipurl.com/jpegsofmatchstickmen ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Insults Last week we asked for your best insults. Pooflake kind of stole the show with an excellent guide to building your own custom insult for any occasion. Read it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/insults/ Here are three that tickled us: * KIT-KATS "A friend of mine went into the late night garage. The obnoxious woman who worked there was serving... 'Can I have a Kit-Kat Chunky?' She brings him over a Kit-Kat Chunky. 'What's this? I asked for a Kit-Kat.' (lofichic) * DO YOU GOT A MAN? "A few years ago I took my life in my hands by getting a bus into Birmingham city centre. On the top deck, at the back were a group of wannabe gangstas' wives with one arsey-looking lad sitting there like the king pimp. The girls were loudy, excitedly and incessantly carping on about their boyfriends in that ghetto trash Jerry Springer-esque way (but with Brummie accents), with head wobbling from side to side and gesticulations aplenty in the 'talk to the hand'-type fashion. 'If he was my man I wouldn't let him treat me like 'dat' 'My man gotta treat me wiv respect' 'That boy would get no lovin' off me if he was my man and did 'dat to me' 'If my man mess with me he get his dick cut off I'm tellin ya.' King Pimp had sat silently until now, but he was becoming visibly more and more annoyed, finally losing his patience. He pointed at each of the girls in turn: 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do you got a man?' 'No' 'Do YOU got a man?' 'No' ... 'I rest my case.' They all shut up for the rest of the journey." (abefroman) * THE F-WORD "My mother teaches some special needs children. One boy came crying to her that another boy had called him the F-word. Obviously she knew what word that was, but for some reason asked him to write it down. He did so and moments later she picked up the piece of paper which read: 'He called me fick.'" (Cuthbert Annihilator ) >> This Week's Question << Do you like to watch? Ever caught someone watching you? Tell us all about the perils of voyeurism: http://b3ta.com/questions/voyeurism/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINKY Broadband for gamers! Is your ping time pants? Getting fragged because of lag? Then get your hands on PlusNet Broadband Your Way Pro, where all gaming traffic is prioritised. Of course, if you're just crap, we can't help you. Winners of Custom PC's Best ISP Award. http://www.plus.net/go.html/200710_b3ta ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ugly lookalikes << Loving this collection of celebrity photos munted down to looking, at best, average. At its strongest when you catch yourself looking intently at a pic, thinking, "My God, Nicole Kidman isn't wearing so well these days." http://planethiltron.com/ >> Blessed Virgin Mary thumbdrive << Jesus wept, it's a USB drive of Divine motherhood. Frankly, if it wasn't such a lousy capacity, we'd be tempted. It's the the mother of Christ - they could have at least shelled out for 2gb. http://snipurl.com/mymemoryisveryholy >> Sausages << For kids grown fat on the sweetmeats of YouTube, there's still a hunger for the funny flash loops of yore. Taking the throne from ytmnd.com comes pown.alluc.org, from where this clip most likely comes. http://silentwulf.com/flash/700.swf >> Beatles in one hour << Eight Beatles albums sped-up 800% to sound like gibberish, the fun comes in slowing them back down to hear the damage the compression has wrought. The end result sounds like the dead are singing in our dreams again. http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2007/10/the-complete... >> Lolcats bible wiki << You'd think there can't be any more mileage left in the lolcats meme. But not, as luvtub says, "Here's the opportunity to be a part of history. Help translate The Holy Bible into kitty pidgin (i.e. Teh Holiez Bibul), the language of lolcats." Despite ourselves, we are moderately amused. http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php >> Paedo blow-job slippers << Causing huge debate in the B3ta HQ, Dave: "They're so cute. I know my son would love them." Rob: "But it's the perfect height for peado oral!" Dave: "Exactly." http://www.com-pa-ny.com/shop/salakauppa/tanssipag... ------------------------------------------------- : GOOGLE GAMES Pronny girl names We invented a little google images game last night: type in a lady's name and see if you can find one where the first result page doesn't contain porn. Oh yeah, obviously you'll want the google NSFW filters turned off. So far we reckon: Nigella, Thomasina & Shilpa = win Jade, Helen & Dorothy = lose If someone wants to try and work out a chart of the top ten porniest, and least pornsome feminine nomenclature, then we'd be moderately amused to see it. ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO For those who can't make Stage6 work >> PM's wife cock jacket shock << Sarah Brown's inexplicable choice of phallic-motif clothing accompanying a Channel 4 News story as to how Gordon is broadening his appeal to women. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cat on a treadmill << Poor November - incredibly cute cat perplexed by diabolical exercise machinery. Power ballad accompaniment adds thrills to the sight of her puzzled feline features as she's carried off the far end once again. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Human waves << We like our personal space and respect that of others, that's why we could never enjoy this Japanese leisure centre where the pool is so crowded it's actually more akin to a lukewarm human stew. You'd have a pretty good chance of crowd surfing across their heads. http://snipurl.com/sowhofarted >> Don't visit 2 girls 1 cup << Amusing reaction shot of people visiting one of the more recent crop of shock sites. We presume that the retching roughly coincides with the on-screen pooping. This is safe for work, the shock site clearly is not. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Weird auditory illusion << Watch the video through. Now watch it again. Freakily, the note continues to rise through subsequent viewings. After 12 times it can only be heard by dogs and Superman. We presume. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/859124/amazing_audio... >> Hitler rapping << Better than your average Hitler mash. This one has the floppy-fringed fascist delivering an aggressive rhyme about his lyrical skills, over the top of Leni Reifanstahl's Triumph of the Will. Oh, he's just too precious! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> It's the wrong face << Warning, this is porn, yes PORN. It's not for the workplace. Unless you work in porn. Nonetheless, very funny blooper with some dodgy targeting at a critical point in this three-person menage. http://www.youporn.com/watch/32905 >> GI Jonny << "I've actually found a reason why paying for a TV licence may be worthwhile," confides tedalaki, "I’m a happy man now, knowing my £120 a year has been used by the Beeb to create GI Jonny and Captain Bareback. Who cares if it's actually a sexual health video there’s a fucking spunking Action Man!" We were very pleased to receive this (actually genuine email), as guess who was the co-writer on this little vid? Sir Robert of Manuel. Yay. http://www.gijonny.co.uk/video.shtml ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Diana Challenge Last week we wanted you to pay tribute to the People's Princess. Your favourites included: * DIDO - The talented songstress must be terrified from dusk till dawn (stevepetmonkey) * HAMSTER - startling new evidence revealed (The Great Architect) * MUTTLEY - After ten tears of investigation, this is the most likely explanation for our Princess of Hearts untimely demise (Roodie Doodie) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/diana/ >> New challenge: Inappropriate Actors << Brian Blessed in the Horse Whisperer. Chris Langham as the Child Catcher. This week's challenge is to portray actors playing inappropriate roles. Challenge suggested by The Coast of Yemen. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/actors/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. RATTLESNAKE BITE ARM - "Thanks guys & gals," whimpers Rubberducky. "I can now say that I have finally seen everything I need to on the internets. I've browsed rotten.com, witnessed all manner of orifice-extending porn, survived 4chan and seen the lancing of the world's biggest boil. Aforementioned dude's arm, however, has finally convinced me to burn my computer, quit my job and piss-off into the hills to live a life of hermitude and daily mind-bleaching. Unless some cunting snake fancies chowing down on my arm." Always glad to help, mate. ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Winterbells Just how does Ferry Halim do it? How does he make things of such glowing beauty just from globbing a few clumps of Flash together? Here, you play a snowy bunny, hopping along a trail of silver bells high into the crystal-clear winter sky. Only 80 wanking days to jizzmass etc. http://www.ferryhalim.com/orisinal/g3/bells.htm ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SECRET RUDE MESSAGES - Lazer Fury writes, "I wish people would add messages to the Daily Mail comments section where the first letter of each sentence spells 'die nazi scum' or something" Sounds like a great community project if someone can be arsed to organise it? * WIKIOCRACY - we reckon a possible future of government is giving power back to the people and have all policy issues decided by the members of the public who care via a wiki. However, as no politician ever seeks power for the purpose of giving it away, this is unlikely to happen any time soon. We suggest writing a Das Kapital for the 21st Century, and getting yourself a nice fat book deal. * FAT PEOPLE ON A TRAMPOLINE - a friend of ours has recently got so fat that he's had to buy a specially reinforced trampoline to exercise on. Despite our pleas that a video of naked fatty on a trampoline would be the best thing in the world, he refuses to perform like a trained (fat) monkey. Maybe you will? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt 'china white' smith, hahn, Emily Bruce-Dickinson, zed192, Gerbilinafishtank, whatsinaname, h.a.m.maassen, Kingtoke, finnbar and Obz. Top Tippery by G_whizz. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. We're Xing the Y: Red Rocket. Subject line: Wasp Box. Curly quotes to b4ta. (657668) ------------------------------------------------- : TOP TIP, THE RETURN Torrenting suddenly slowed down? To avoid ISP traffic shaping, you can turn on torrent encryption in Azureus and get round most traffic shapers. Apparently. ------------------------------------------------- : SICKIPEDIA How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you? You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth. http://www.sickipedia.org/get.php next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive