we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "AND IT SEEMS TO ME, YOU DIED YOUR DEATH, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T BUCKLE IN..." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * TITS - Bizarre prosthetic mammary fetish * JACKO - Halloween mask * CHALLENGE - Lady Diana, princess of hearts ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Bizzare prosthetic mammary fetish << Did you know the web is full of perverts? When you think you've seen them all, there's always another to make you go "do people really wank to this?" BTW: The nipples the size and shape of cocks is a nice detail. http://www.mastasia.com/main.htm >> Shave your body << "Ok...ok I know it's a commercial for a body groomer," confesses Mr Greywood, "but I almost pissed myself at certain parts in the FAQ/demonstrations part." Us too. Especially the rather homo-neurotic suggestion that you can make your penis look larger by shaving your man-minge. http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/ >> Another Daily Photo Thingy << So a bloke takes a photo every day for 8 years. Our conclusion? He looks better with short hair and without the glasses, but a mirror could have told him that. http://www.c71123.com/daily_photo/index.php >> Jacko mask << You know your plastic surgery has gone to shit when it's a viable business to sell an impression of your face as an effective Halloween mask. Who next? Our money is on Victoria Beckham. http://snipurl.com/itsvitiligohonest >> Confess everything << Is our question of the week not enough for your texty voyeurism? Then get your clicky ass down to unburdened where you can choke on your linky corn-flakes with gems like, "I got my mistress pregnant and had to pay for an abortion. I took the money out of my secret slush fund account to pay for it. She would have kept the baby if I had wanted to. But I didn't want to have to explain child support to my wife." You're best off skipping the "I biffed another forum member" dullness though. http://snipurl.com/1rt0j >> DIY PDA << Is there a device that doesn't want to organise you? There's a calendar on our laptop, phone, iPod and probably digital watch if we had one. So the latest tech to enter this competitive fray is decided low-tech: a bit of paper. http://www.pocketmod.com/ >> Rattle Snake Bite << You don't want to look at these pics. Trust us. For once they are seen they can not be unseen. http://www.rattlesnakebite.org/rattlesnakepics.htm >> Goatse cake << Ruin a loved one's birthday with a disgustingly lifelike cake modelled on the notorious anal shock site. Extra points for artistic use of strawberry jam. http://www.urod.ru/files/kakku8.jpg ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Dirty Trade-Secrets Last week we wanted the dirty secrets that only those in the trade know about. We're truly scared by the confession of a Sydney IVF clinic worker that he cloned himself: http://b3ta.com/questions/dirtysecrets/ Here's three of the less prosecutable stories: * "HELICOPTER PILOTS tell customers that the heaviest people have to go in the back of the machine for centre of gravity issues. This is partially true. But really it is so the boyfriend gets in the back and the chicky-babe in the short skirt sits up front. We then use our immaculately-polished instrument glass to look up her skirt." (bellboy) * "THE FUNERAL OF A LOCAL CIVIC DIGNITARY: the bereaved relatives had requested that 'Jerusalem' sung by Kings College Choir be played during the committal to the flames. The task of sourcing the music was given to the rookie, who - unable to find a copy of Jerusalem, had decided to substitute a 'similar song'. It was for this reason that the dearly departed's coffin sailed through the curtain to the sound of "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy-Ray Cyrus, the deceased having died from a coronary." (Lunar Jim) * "UGLY KID BATTLESHIPS: I'm a teacher and invigilate exams. Deathly dull work, until we brightened it up with Ugly Kid Battleships. Each seat has a reference number, and myself and the two or three other staff would stroll around writing down the numbers of where we thought the eight ugliest kids sat. We would then meet and try to guess each other's numbers. Endless variations - smelly kid, geeky kid etc. We also play Slow Pacman: one would be Pacman and the others were Ghosts. We'd chase around the exam hall at slow invigilator speed. If the ghosts got to a corner spot the tide is turned for five minutes." (bambambambambam) >> This Week's Question << Been creatively insulted recently? Talk to us here you fuck-muppet: http://b3ta.com/questions/insults/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Religion, Goth Winkies, Plumbing and Shit >> Greybloke gets religion << Madridiot's monochrome man in the street muses on mortality and which of the world's major belief systems he should join up with. http://b3ta.com/links/Some_Grey_Bloke_Choosing_my_... >> Goth-touching song << Angsty, doom-laden remake of koit's ode to the joys of touching naughty things (aka 'The Winky Song'). http://www.mattyjohn.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/Go... >> Rabbit shit << "Here is an animation I have done with rabbits doing massive poos," beams Andy Martin. "Thought you guys might like it." And like it we do - it has a weird Terrance & Philip meets Space Invaders ambience. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Maniac plumber << A mesmerising central performance makes a peculiar treat of Captain Bubbles's short film about tradesmen on the rampage. Cracking special clown effects too. Link is to part one: http://www.b3ta.com/links/124769 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO No monkeys drinking pee, sadly >> Tightrope between the Twin Towers << Startling news footage from 1974, as Frenchman Philippe Petit prances about on a tightrope slung 1,300ft up between the World Trade Centre towers. It's a freaky thing - and partly, of course, just to see the towers again. http://b3ta.com/links/Guy_tightropes_between_the_T... >> 'Pricasso' << Talented exhibitionist paints portraits with his knob. They're not too bad really, although you wouldn't want one - it'd be a bit like he'd rubbed his willy on your face. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Turn a torch into a laser << Not only is this an extremely cool thing to have - a hand-held burning laser - but we love the voiceover, which makes the whole project seem very easy: "Just remount the diode in an AixiZ Laser Module..." http://snipurl.com/arghmyeyes >> Wanking dog << A randy pooch frantically administering self-love while balanced precariously on his hind legs. Worth a look. Not sure if it's NSFW - almost certainly if you happen to work with dogs of conservative morals. http://www.redtube.com/6303 >> Bearforce One << A boy band of gay bears. Starts a little slow but how can you hate a quartet of chunky, bearded blokes belting out camp classic covers. It's like the b3ta iPod on party shuffle. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Toilet seat bidet/enema/colon cleanser << Wince-inducing ad for a bathroom accessory that leaves you thoroughly cleaned. If you sit through the testimonials to about halfway through you get to see a woman wiping shit off her hand. Yes, well, your mileage may vary. http://shanghaiist.com/2007/09/10/new_bidet_that.p... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Now incorporating 'cock photo weekly' * DICK TRICKLE - Famed stock car racer. We couldn't keep a straight face when this profile started talking about the time "Trickle headed south". http://www.stock-car-racing.net/Dick-Trickle.htm * GIANT COCKS FROM SPACE - well, visible from Google Earth's spy in the sky. Here's one on the Isle of Wight: http://snipurl.com/spacecock ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Ninja Challenge Last week we wanted you to devise ninja weapons out of ordinary objects. Your favourites included: * IKEA - Smart förvaring för hallen, tvättstugan, vinden, källaren och garaget (Mighty Nibus) * PRICKS - Every ninja needs a hedgehog cosh (Cape Perna) * STARS - Impressive appearance of the memed-to-death Tesco cliché in the top three (Monty Propps) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/ninja/ >> New challenge: Diana << It's been a full decade since the People's Princess tragically lost her life, and b3ta has never properly paid tribute. It's time to put that right. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/diana/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. MC PIKEY ON MYSPACE - long-term readers may remember Issue 46 where we introduced urban poet MC Pikey, who was in reality, the Ginger Fuhrer's wife... Apparently the MP3 was listened by a few, as a quick google reveals comments like, "...much better than MC Pitman who I considered to be menacing and largely unassuming..." Anyway, we thought Pikey needs his own Myspace page, and as a special treat, two extra tracks recorded at the time. Altogether now, "Norf London!" http://www.myspace.com/mcpikeymcpikey ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HOTORNOT PHOTOSHOP CHALLENGE - BeardedWhumpus wonders, "take a photo of someone, photoshop it to make them look nicer, and put both pictures on Hot or Not. The point being to find out: How much fitter can photoshop make you?" * A FACEBOOK APPLICATION GENERATOR - there's probably a business model here. Create a couple of simple 'white label' facebook apps, you know the type: give a gift, or those vampire / zombie games of tick. Allow developers to customise the GFX and roll them out to their users. You'll be rich, maybe. * BUTTON THAT TAKES "TRAFFIC SHAPING" and SHOVES IT UP VIRGIN MEDIA'S ARSE - their service has been rotten since they took over Telewest, and now they've broken our torrents. Bunch of hamtouchers. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Yank Meoff, FILTHIO, phix65, ebuckling, fse357, waxdart, scottaldred, jangle, dazd, dominic fitzsimmons, hahn, Alex Conroy and deeko99 Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line props to dbroon. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's got wings and sucks blood? Always Ultra. http://www.sickipedia.org/tag/periods next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive