we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IT'S NOT GAY UNLESS YOU GET HARD TOO" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Your personal-ad dating hell... * ONE WORD CHALLENGE - Elvis * OUCHY OUCHY VIDEO - Bum branding ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Hey ad people - bung us a few quid. Cheers. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Plod, Grey bloke and Scooby >> Police game << "Hello b3ta," jives listenupsucka, "I made a police pursuit game based on permatanned super-honky Sheriff John Bunnell. Please, please, please pimp me in your newsletter - for the soundclips I had to download 30 hours of 'World's Wildest Police Videos' authoritarian bons mots." Ok then, just this once, you can use our arsehole as a cunt. http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/399008 >> Grey Bloke cartoon << "You said you liked my previous Grey Bloke cartoon," mumbles Madridiot, "So here's the latest one, just in case you need filler this week." Don't put yourself down Mr Madridiot, you're very talented and we're sure you'll meet a nice girl one day. http://b3ta.com/links/somegreybloke_What_you_can_f... >> Buy my Mystery Mobile! << I_am_man has painted up his VW Camper Van to look like a prop from Scooby Doo. Do you have a £1000 burning a hole in your pocket? http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Too Much Information Last week we wanted the situations you've been in where someone's provided a little too much information: http://b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/ * AN EYE FOR AN EYE "My Gran’s dear departed sister, Annie, was a lovely woman. Mad as cheese, but sweet and kind and tough as old boots. By the time she reached the age of 85, she’d survived breast cancer, cervical cancer, pneumonia, and she’d gone totally blind after refusing to have her cataracts treated and leaving it until too late. She ended up in hospital shortly before she died; her son came round for lunch to tell us that she wasn’t too good physically, but mentally she was in good spirits. But he warned us that should we decide to go see her, we should be prepared that there had been some, well, complications pertaining to her blindness. Because she’d not had her cataracts removed, an infection had built up behind her eye. This had built up pus and bacterial detritus over a period of time, which hadn’t been spotted. The pressure build up behind her eye had got so great that her eye had exploded. The nurse had come in to find the remnants of Annie’s eye ball hanging halfway down her cheek by her occular nerve. It was at this point that I put down the cherry tomato that I had been eating and went to be quietly sick in the bathroom." (Rakky) * MY MUM'S MINGE "My mother is a hardcore feminist. Nowt wrong with that, but she is of the scary-hairy, ball- breaking, man-hating maniac variety. For as far back as my memory goes, she has regularly tried to engage me in conversation about my vagina. She used to tell me all about her sex life at great length and in great detail. But the worst thing she ever did, worse than the masturbation tutorials, worse than inviting me to inspect her labia, was locking the two of us in a tiny toilet cubicle together and making me watch her insert a tampon. She stood up, naked from the waist down, put one pale, heavily-muscled leg up against the wall for easy access and barked a running commentary at me as she shoved a tampon into her bloody vagina, greying pubes glistening, a maniacal, I-am-woman- hear-me-roar expression in her mad, rolling eyes." (grandmasterfluffles) * PO HO HO "At the age of 3, daughter proudly emerged from the bog to tell me she'd done a poo shaped like Santa." (mudskipper) And a big thank you to Pooflake for giving us a new word, overheard in a campsite loo: "POOSWEAT" >> This Week's Question << Ever placed a personal ad? Ever seriously replied to one? http://b3ta.com/questions/personalads/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Weird meat << Funny thing about Chinese takeaway is that it's not really representative of Chinese cuisine. Which is disgusting to the point of causing psychological scars, if this food blog is anything to go by. Drunken Shrimp is particularly grim. http://www.weirdmeat.com/2004/04/weird-meat-master... >> Barbie electric chair << Step-by-step instructions on how to execute your glamour doll buddy with the humane, cleansing power of electricity! The make-up is a nice detail. http://www.instructables.com/id/E7HOISVF5R8QR1I/ >> Vege-Art << Lovely, inventive art made from vegetables - might be familiar to you if you frequent the more poncey kind of greetings card shop as we often do. The gathering of grinning peppers and orange near the end fair put the wind up us though - sinister! http://www.bearsandbuds.com/July2007/Veggie-Art-Ju... >> Second Life Unicorn Porn << Get cute little unicorn babies to play with in Second Life. Seems all you have to do is have graphic low-polygon sex with an adult unicorn. A small price to pay indeed. http://www.secondlifeherald.com/slh/2007/09/aftern... >> Best livestock auctioneer mp3s << The Livestock Marketing Association has made available its extensive archive of Livestock Auctioneer of the Year winners dating back to 1963. A bit of remixing and there has to be a novelty yodelling-style hit in here somewhere. http://www.lmaweb.com/wlacpast.html >> Dirty Mozart << 'Lick me in the arse' is a canon in B Major by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, probably done as a joke for his mates. His publisher posthumously bowdlerised it and the original was only rediscovered in 1991. That's the thing with being quite so prolific... we'll probably see the same thing after Stevie Wonder dies. You don't wanna know what the real lyrics are to 'I just called to say I love you.' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lick_Me_in_the_Ass >> This is The Future: c.1910 << Entertaining illustration of early 20th century Frenchmen's predictions for the year 2000. Lots of flying police and robot hairdressers. Maybe they were right; the millennium was a long time ago and we were probably drunk. http://snipurl.com/future_bollocks >> Upside-down house << Workers building this peculiar bit of public art took about four times as long as they normally would because they were disorientated by the strange angles of the walls. Looking at it, you can see why. It makes us slightly nauseous. http://freshome.com/2007/09/08/amazing-upside-down... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Because Ascii-art lols aren't enough for you >> "Leave Britney alone, you bastards!" << 2.4 million views in just 48 hours and with reason. Weeping tranny Chris Cocker jumps to defend the erstwhile pop sensation in her hour of greatest need. http://uk.youtube.com/watch >> Kitten eating melon << Aww so cute! He holds it in his little paws and just nibbles away. Nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom nom! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Here's to Dead Pets << Props to Log of Law of the Playground fame (judge it by the website, not the rubbish TV show) for this obituary to all the animals his friend Jennifer has lost under her careful care. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Here_s_To_Dead_Pets >> Gerry McCann interviewed about sedatives << Not the most cheerful thing, but no subject has got B3ta Towers more talkative than the endless 'did they, didn't they do it' speculation on the McCann story. This clip of Gerry being asked, "Did you sedate Maddy?" produces an alarming response as he tugs his ear and stumbles over the word 'sedative'. As one observer writes, "Wow. It's like a classic TV clip of 'we know this person is lying because...'" http://b3ta.com/links/Gerry_McCann_interviewed_abo... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Ikea and Tina Turner Chris90uk complains, "They have gone and done it - spoiled all our fun taking the piss out of their names by creating the Kolon floor protector." The Scandinavian shits! http://www.ikea.com/gb/en/catalog/products/9010777... BTW: We've just thought of a BRILLIANT campaign for Ikea with Gary Glitter singing, "I care, you care, we really do care, I care, You care, Ikea!" Advertising people, please send us money now. ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Chav Map B3ta boarder Emvee has spent the last few weeks playing with a London Tube to make it look like Burberry. Is he saying that London is full of pikeys? Quite possibly. BTW: Emvee first caught our attention making those "Ginger Fuhrer is a transvestite" cartoons we featured a few months back. http://www2.printshop.co.uk/B3ta/Shop/LimitedEditi... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Animal Secrets Challenge Last week we wanted to know what animals get up to when we're not looking. Your favourites included: * POLAR BEAR 1 - Squeal with delight as the secret partnership between polar bears and seals is revealed (Pachey) * KITTEN GETAWAY - Roar with pleasure as this feline Thelma & Louise flee an airborne terrier (bloop) * POLAR BEAR 2 - Shriek with mirth as this ingenious bear blacks up for the ladies (Joe Scaramanga) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animals/ >> New challenge: Elvis << It's time for another one of b3ta's occasional one-word challenges, where the only limit is your own creativity. This one? ELVIS. Challenge suggested by Mictoboy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/elvis/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous thingamajigs * NAKED STEVE - Mr_SD spluffs, "Remember Steve with the champagne cork... and the balls... and the pain...? Well we may have branded his arse too. And yes that is an N and an S for 'Naked Steve'." Eek. If the last one isn't homerotic enough. http://www.b3ta.com/links/120037 * TANTOOS - Pfy "had a go at this", not very successfully mind you. We'd still like to see someone tan an image using, say, jism onto a lady's tits. http://www.b3ta.com/board/7569986 * THANKYOUS - "Thank you so much for linking to my flash toy FEED THE HEAD in your newsletter!" smiles Patrick Smith, "I have been confused and delighted by b3ta for years now, and am tickled to learn that I have returned the favour." Gah, we feel all loved now! Here you go Patrick, have another link. http://www.feedthehead.net/ * WORD SUBSTITUTION - irsimon claims the best version of this idea is to replace the word fight for wank. Here goes, "The first rule of Wank Club is - you do not talk about Wank Club. The second rule of Wank Club is you DO NOT talk about Wank Club. Third rule of Wank Club, someone yells 'stop', goes limp, taps out, the wank is over. Fourth rule, only two guys to a wank. Fifth rule, one wank at a time, fellas. Sixth rule, no shirts, no shoes. Seventh rule, wanks will go on as long as they have to. And the eighth and final rule, if this is your first night at Wank Club, you have to wank." *Raises an eyebrow to pretend that B3ta is above this sort of thing* * CELEBRITY VERBS - many emails sent in on this including Ash who suggested Leanne Rhimes (no it doesn't), and airliebird74 who blathers rather entertainingly, "We used to play a game where we would come up with Celebrity Verb one-upmanship. One memorable exchange went:- 'Ok, Celeb Cricket match, Peter Bowles,' 'Sally Fields, Gracie Fields and WC Fields', 'Erm....Mike Batt?' and Celeb Cooking 'Don't let Stephen Fry,' 'But let Robin Cook,' 'Will Katie Boyle?' 'Only if we let Danny Bak-er!' And finally, giant_squid points out that, "It has been a running B3ta project of mine to find celebrity verbs of this kind, and photoshop them." Fucking hell, right under our nose, hundreds of the fuckers. http://www.morttheostrich.co.uk/wesley.htm ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Ramps MISSION OBJECTIVE: You are a god-like mouse-pointer whose one goal in life is to make balls go into buckets. Using only your power to arrange the angle of the shelves you see before you, can you fulfil your life's destiny? http://www.tylersticka.com/2007/08/03/ramps/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * HITCHCOCK BIRDS FANEDIT - featuring The Birdie Song. * SQUARE SCOTCH EGGS - as greenycrimson complains, "I'm sick of the wee fuckers rolling around in my lunch-box, and this is the sort of madness that B3tans excel at." * GOATSE JELLY MOULD - c'mon - can't someone at school with access to vacuum forming equipment help us out here? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Flood. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke and we all love B4ta. Newsletter title from Jessie. Who is a lady. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labeled 'LSD'?" Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have you seen the dragon in the kitchen?!" http://www.sickipedia.org/profile.php next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive