we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "POPPING OUT FOR HALF AN HOUR FOR A BITE TO EAT AND TO VALET THE CAR" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * DRAGONS - Having sex with cars * FEED THE HEAD - Best flash toy ever * QUESTION - Your guilty secrets confessed ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Call us tarts, but we *heart* people who offer us cash. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : PAVAROTTI The 'jokes' we've heard so far. * What is Pavarotti's wife getting for Christmas? A smaller turkey. * If anyone is interested I've got tickets for the opera this weekend. They're a tenor less than advertised. * I went to watch Pavarotti last year in concert. He's was a miserable bastard. Didn't like anybody joining in. Anyway, enough rubbish jokes from fat bastards past their prime, here's the B3ta newsletter: ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Guilty Secrets Last week we asked for your guilty secrets in a transparent attempt to blackmail our readers: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/ * "I RUINED A KID'S DAY TRIP. As an experienced traveller of buses, I feel that I have gained a invaluable insight into the problems of public transport. The main problem is that OTHER PEOPLE ARE ANNOYING. Anyway, on a recent journey the child from hell jumps aboard with his fat arsed chav mother. The mother opens a family bag of Doritos, and proceeds to munch her way to an early grave, while Satan's fart stands on his seat and starts pressing the bell over and over... and over again. This went on for about 10 minutes, with everyone on the bus becoming restless as they got closer and closer to total nervous breakdown. And then, something incredible happened. The mother actually did some parenting. "IF YOU TOUCH THAT BELL ONE MORE FUCKING TIME WE'RE GOING HOME YOU LITTLE SHIT!" she bellowed menacingly. The child immediately stopped, looking shocked and upset but kept his hand near the button mostly for balance. The perfect opportunity for vengeance had shown itself. With a quick glance at the mother to make sure she wasn't looking, I reached up and rang the bell. The mother glared at the child, his hand still over the button, and with wails of protest she picked him up, and marched off of the bus screaming at him that he was no longer going to the zoo." (Furness) * "I HAVE JUST PEED in the kitchen sink at work. It has one of those protectors in the plug-hole that stop the bits of food getting into it, and when I peed, I made it spin. This is the happiest I have been at work for months." (lardaholics anonymous) * "FACEBOOK - When I upload photos of me and my friends to Facebook, I photoshop my friends very slightly to make them look a bit fat." (Tricksy) >> This Week's Question << Ever been given too much information? Got friends who will blithely tell you all about their piles / stuck tampons / explosive diarrhoea at dinner? http://b3ta.com/questions/toomuchinformation/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Dragons fucking cars << Presenting... your new desktop lolpaper. Just like it says on the tin - a gallery of dragons making sweet, sweet love to sports car exhausts. Why this exists we haven't a clue, but thank baby Jesus it does. NSFW, in case there was any ambiguity here. http://www.mightyjustice.net/jubei/stuff/dragonsfu... >> Toilet signs of the globe << Collection of gender signs from WC doors by people who've peed freely throughout the world. Some of them are too clever by half, others maybe a bit too explicit. http://www.nuacco.com/2007/08/13/which-door-should... >> eBay confusion << Clearly this guy got a little muddled with eBay's forms when trying to sell his tracksuit top. The result is that his item description balloons out into a rambling story about Sheffield. http://tinyurl.com/yrrmzf >> Pepper spray ring << The ideal gift for a loved one who lives in constant fear of imminent attack. Although a slip of the hand when taking out a contact lens could be unbelievably nasty. http://www.protectyourselfdirect.com/stunningring.... >> Feed the head << One of those online toys we all loved so much in yesteryear: keep poking about on the animated head and see what happens. Kept us amused for quite some time. http://www.feedthehead.net/ >> Albatross full of plastic << One for the "Blimey" files. Stomach contents of a baby albatross - who would have thought they eat so much crap? We liked that the first comment in asks if the bird was alright in the end. Aww. Bless. http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/08/albatross_... >> Dylan messaging << Surprisingly, a half decent record company viral. You get to choose the words on the cards as Bob sings Subterranean Homesick Blues. http://www.dylanmessaging.com/messages/OAT9-GX5J-A... >> Spam.com << Okay, so this is old news but the official site for the canned pork product kept us clicking around a good five minutes. It's clearly not a company without a sense of irony. http://www.spam.com/ >> 'The secret of invisibility' << Oh yes and not just "a secret so powerful that throughout history, men have literally died trying to wrestle it from the tight fists of its masters" - this craptastic eBay ad also promises virtually everything spam has offered you in your life. Also, the ability to command fishes and bring dead animals back to life. Of course, the real trick is how on earth they're preventing eBay from shutting them down - we're mystified! http://tinyurl.com/yp64uc ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT SHOPPY Re-designed Right, out lovely t-shirt shop has had a re-jig, we've hidden the confusing t-shirt designer and just listed our available product. Please please please check it out as the lovely Penny from the t-shirt company has been hard at it all week and writes, "Please tell me we're in the newsletter? You would make a hard-worked girl very happy of a Friday afternoon." http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Written up quickly coz we're lazy * NEW WEEBL - Jonti returns to his classic series, Bob and Weebles. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/factor/ * BOWIE MISHEAD - props to MarkP0rter for this shitty gag. http://tinyurl.com/2a6ljk * MUSIC SEARCH UPDATED - Cr3 updates his 'steal MP3s from websites' project to keep playing random tunes. Fun to stick on in the background. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/play.php ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Echidna photographer Could there be anything sweeter than this mini-monotreme earnestly checking the settings on his camera? Sooo cute! http://www.minut.ee/files/mauri/life/echidna_2003_... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like a tiny TV with a keyboard-sized flicker >> Burning Jimi Hendrix << Some people make models of St Paul's cathedral out of matchsticks. Some make portraits of guitar legends then burn them down. Guess which one looks cooler. http://tinyurl.com/3a7w8z >> Robert DeNiro acting class << Yet another celebrity spot on Sesame Street. This time, the menacing method man teaches little Elmo how to act. They seem to have caught the great man on an off day and the end is actually a little creepy. Ah well. http://b3ta.com/links/Robert_DeNiro_shows_Elmo_how... >> Nose propeller << Great little pub trick performance. Dunno if it's real but it is entertaining, the fact that it's a promo for some Brazilian telecoms company notwithstanding. To maintain our strict non-commercial stance, we hereby forbid you to sign up with any South American telcos (unless you have no choice). http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Monkey Movie Challenge Last week we asked how Hollywood would change if monkeys ran the show. Your favourites included: * CENSORED - It's monkey rating time (The Great Architect) * WAR IS STUPID - And monkeys are stupid (The Duke of Prunes) * SHAKESPEARE - Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey (JimmerUK) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/ >> New challenge: Animal Secrets << Time to re-visit a classic from the b3ta archive: what do animals get up to to when we're not looking? Photoshop will help find the answer. Challenge suggested by Mushroom. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/animals/ ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by mr wheatley, hahn, themnoisytoys, war3 n3xt, Matt, Bob_the_Scutter, hahn Top Tippery by x Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. And a special mention to Nora Cockaday, a customer of Lloyds Bank in Clapton circa 1995. (Thanks Peter Gray). Newsletter title? The Great Architect. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: A black man takes a girl home from a night-club. She says "Show me it's true what they say about black men." So he stabbed her & nicked her purse. http://www.sickipedia.org/profile.php next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive