we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "CRASHING THE MERCEDES OF GOOD TASTE INTO THE TUNNEL OF YOUR INBOX" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Kiddy celeb photos * QUESTION - Your guilty secrets * LEGO - Stephen Hawking rendered in brick ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Quizzy, Shitty and Catty >> Celebs as kids quiz << Could you recognise a photo of Kurt Cobain as a child? What about Bruce Willis? Take this simple, but extremely enjoyable quiz from Gerport and find out. BTW: You Ginger Furher scored about 82%. Rah! http://gerport.com/celebQuiz/ >> 100 Shittiest songs << Rotating Wobbly Hat has been playing a substitution game with song titles, changing 'love' to 'shit'. Doesn't sound promising, but we gleaned much amusement from such cheap shots as Aerosmiths' 'Shit in an elevator' and Def Leppards' 'When shit and hate collide.' http://members.aol.com/prawnknackers/titles.htm >> Cat Face 4 << Jonti has been build a new cult following with his mental moggy animations. We were rather alarmed to pick up a recent copy of the NME - the one with Tony Wilson on the cover - and find a nice long write up praising their genius. So here you go, Cat Face, big with emos. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+4/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Sleepwalking Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the inter-web. Last week we asked for your sleepwalking stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/sleepwalking/ * Breaststroke "I once woke up to hear some strange noises coming from downstairs at an old girlfriend's place. I found her mum, naked and grunting, doing a perfect front breast stroke up the stairs with toilet paper sticking out her arse. I ran upstairs and was laughing so hard it took me minutes to say what was happening. I went to have another look with girlfriend in tow, to see that she's now reached the top, doing a swimming front crawl, turning into her room with a tail of toilet paper still trailing out her crack. The next morning at breakfast she said that she had a dream she was swimming up a waterfall to get to work, and woke up with friction burns on her bristols. We never told her what she actually did." (Donkey Gums) * You're not my mum "My cousin, whilst fast asleep, got out of his bed, walked down the road about 500 yards, opened the front door of a house (small country town, no one locked their doors), walked down the hall, entered the master bedroom and climbed into bed with a random couple. He awoke in the morning at the same time as this woman who had her arms around him. "You’re not my mum." "You’re not my son." And then they both started screaming. He gets up and pegs it out of the room but being a house he’d never been in before he couldn’t find the way out. He was running from room to room trying to find the front door whilst this woman kept screaming hysterically." (Creamy Discharge) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us your guilty secrets, so we can blackmail each and every one of you before retiring to a nice little island in the South Pacific. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/guiltysecrets/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Stuck in the mud << "Never trust sat-nav," warns the bloke who's telling the tale and taking the photos. But really it should be "Never take an 'unsuitable for motor vehicles' sign as a driving challenge and wind up in mud so deep and clinging that you maroon a succession of breakdown vehicles in the same stinking morass." And that is good advice. http://snipurl.com/sat_nav_is_for_gays >> Head Hoodies << Novelty street wear with celebrity faces. Should this catch on, you stand the unnerving prospect of being mugged outside McDonalds by a bunch of hoodies who resemble Audrey Hepburn. Brr. http://www.headhoods.com/ >> Poison ivy rash hall of fame << Who would have thought the stuff was so virulent? Christ, they should have called it 'bastard flesh-bubbling doomweed'. Not safe for pre-lunch viewing. Particularly if you're going to eat ivy. http://www.poison-ivy.org/rash/rash-26.htm >> Suicide by ball-point pen << Ever wondered just how far up your nose you can push a biro? Possibly something similar was going through the brain of this (obviously) disturbed individual. Right before the pointy tip of the pen entered it. Oh God, we're sorry - sometimes this stuff just sort of writes itself. http://snipurl.com/ballpoint_suicide >> Lego Hawking << Lego playsets they are never going to bring out #5 - a realistic depiction of acclaimed physicist Prof Stephen Hawking, with moving wheels. Or you could reuse the bricks to make a motorised robot space gun. Your choice. http://rgh.cc/displayimage.php >> Unpretentious ad awards << Advertising awards organised by some industry magazine. Several nice categories including 'best use of plagiarism' and 'reject of the year'. Check out this year's nominations - some stuff reminiscent of the b3ta board on display. http://www.chipshopawards.com/nominations/2007/ >> Expensive typo << How much could missing a letter out cost you. In the case of this unfortunate it was $503,000. First link is his initial listing, the second is the guy who bought it and re-listed it. Ouch. eBay's expired auction tracking can be so harsh sometimes. http://tinyurl.com/ysd89b http://tinyurl.com/2q2e37 >> Bic bow and arrow << Part of our continuing series on how to stalk and kill your fellow office workers. Neatly solves the 'rubber band bites the hand that feeds' issue that so often mars this type of endeavour. Anyway, next week we'll probably be covering how to start a cooking fire and setting a simple bivouac between desks. http://www.instructables.com/id/E7B934L6M5EQ6T2IG5... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH The nice bit without any AIDS lols >> Sleepy cats << Always a winner - massive gallery of kitties dozing in odd positions and locations. http://www.zuzafun.com/cats-sleeping-positions >> Orphan hedgehogs think brush is their mummy << Another classic from the Daily Mail which surely must have an entire special department devoted to rooting out stories over-brimming with both pathos and fluffiness. http://snipurl.com/daily_mail_are_poo ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Coz words are for losers dumm ass! >> Anna Nicole Smith outages << If we'd said "bloopers" you might have got the wrong idea. But honestly, our deepest sympathies to the crew as the former Playmate flubs her way through a Tesco Value Die Hard. We suspect she may have been using some sort of pharmaceuticals - surely nobody can be that bad an actor?! Also note - her breasts are scarily huge. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Why Americans can't locate the US << It's been doing the rounds this week but we'd be remiss if we didn't give you the opportunity to listen once again to a panic-stricken Miss Teen South Carolina completely failing to make sense. Nice to see her go back on telly, though, to explain herself. Or rather just say "Doh." http://www.maniacworld.com/what-is-she-talking-abo... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Arseholes We've recently been reminded of the rather rude song that goes, "Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier went to war. Too piss, too piss, two pistols by his side. Fuck you, Fuck you, For curiosity. To fight for his cunt, to fight for his cunt, to fight for his country." Also not a million miles form m.pearce suggestion that, "This URL speaks for itself." http://www.aarsol.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the AIDS Challenge Last week we wanted you to combat AIDS. Your favourites included: * THE HEF - Everyone's favourite octogenarian lethario is still alive. He must be doing something right (Guy Incognito) * SAVILLE - Nicely subtle, but certainly not lacking in impact (1.618...) * RUBBER - The old messages are the best. Nice and colourful too (custard) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aids/ >> New challenge: Monkey Movies << Imagine, if you will, that monkeys rule Hollywood. What movies will they re-make? The Apes Of Wrath? Any Gibbon Sunday? Macaque to the Future? Your primate punnage starts now. Challenge robbed from Tarka the Frotter. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/monkeys/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. POP SONG IN 30 DAYS - Journalist Rhodri Marsden writes up the story behind the song we featured last week. And a most interesting read it is too. Still, his status as our Facebook friend is in dire jeopardy as he neglected to mention us even once - the unspeakable cunt! http://rhodri.biz/diy-internet-popstar/ PAYING £3,800 IN COINS - insertspam takes issue with claims that this sum would take four strong men to lift. "Essentially, for any significant amount, only £1, £2 and £5 coins are legal tender. The weight can be increased with £10 of 50p pieces, £10 of 20p pieces, etc. But, realistically, £3,800 is not going to weigh more than 40 kilogrammes (in £1 coins, £3,800 weighs 36.1kg as a pound coin is 9.5 grammes). "I can lift up my wife and she weighs more than 40 kg," he continues, somewhat ungallantly. Ah well, nice story anyway. http://www.royalmint.com/Help/faqs.aspx#faq42 T-SHIRT BLEACHING - "I had a bash at it," hugs Wuggl3z. The results are rather pleasing, but sadly no cockage. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v39/wugglez/DSCF... COLOSTOMY SEX - "I have no photos," reveals twmdavies to our immense relief, "But I do have some info which may be of interest. "I had a ileostomy as a result of having the whole of my large intestine removed. This is similar to a colo, but leaving the ileus, the tip of the small intestine stitched inside out to my abdomen. Thoroughly unpleasant, but at least i had a good come back in a bar room brawl if someone offered to 'tear me a new ass hole'. "Now obviously having your guts on your abdomen means you are going to be a bit curious while in hospital for 3 weeks and I can testify that the wall of the small intestine is the smoothest most lovely touch sensation in the world. Imagine a tight warm hole made out of something akin to the fabric of which the inside of your cheek is woven. (Ohhh all those millions of microvilli are softer than velvet). "So anyway, I'm not a sicko and haven't tried it but colostomy sex may not be that different to bum sex if there is no poo in the tract (depending on how low down the colostomy was made) - but ileostomy sex would be the nastiest thing I can imagine because your cock would be immediately immersed in pancreatic juices and enzymes which would start to breakdown your manhood. "If engaging in such activity, you should get out quick." Amen to that, brother! ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MOHICAN TIPS - "The sideburns/earbrows correspondence has me wondering if any of your delightful readers know of a technique for doing an even mohawk in the mirror.", writes godisdead, "The best method I've found so far was bending a coathanger and hooking it into a nostril to form guide-rails. I say best method because while it was ultimately ineffective and quite painful, it did make me look like a pig-man." What is it that Digg says - photos or it didn't happen? * CELEBRITY VERBS - "Celebrities whose names imply they do something. Jeremy Irons. Gordon Banks. Tom Waits. Go on, sit and have a think. You'll get at least five if you try.", so says catachresis who also mentions we should stick this in "the bit at the end of the newsletter that's always shit." Cheers! * TANTOOS - With the recent sunshine we were admiring the lovely ladies sunning themselves on Hampstead Heath idly wondering about making temporary tattoos my gluing plastic stencils on skin and letting sunshine do the rest. Your Ginger Fuhrer is far too gingery for such tanning experiments, but maybe some of our more olive skinned readers could experiment? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS FOR THE MAMMARIES SAID IN A VERY FAST VOICE LIKE AT THE END OF A RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by collatalliesisters, Funkyjams, pippy is a truck, mr_chopper, saul ezra taylor, hahn, saladin zero, Top Tippery by x Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Alistair Coleman is QOTW bloke. Mike is addicted to spoons? Yay to DogHorse for the newsletter title. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Why don't black people go on cruises? They're not falling for that one again. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive