we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "MISSED BY YOUR SPAMFILTER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * WEEBL - a song about blimps! * VEITCH - Joel's new vid * AWWW - Charley the spacker cat ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Helium, Love and Bitch-tits >> Jonti - Blimps << Mr Picking is back on form and has been writing sing-songs, to these ears, as good as the halcyon days of Badgers and Kenya. His new tunage celebrates dirigibles and helium. BTW: Everyone knows that inhaling helium makes your voice squeaky, but did you know that Nitrous Oxide has the opposite effect and makes your voice lower? It also gets you off your tits, so that's a double win. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/blimp/ >> Rathergood - Love << Veitch is another who's returned to his roots this week with a song by his band 7 Seconds of Love and a clip full of rather mournful kittens. He claims with his usual modesty, "It's the best thing ever made ever ever ever of course. Hooray!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Love_Me_Like_You_Used_To >> Dogs with tits << We get many an odd link sent to the B3ta inbox, the strangest for a while being from Nash Odyssey who states, "my friend Will and I gave his dog a wicked side-breast. I've written up the experience in the form of a how-to, just in case you feel like making your own doggy-dumpling." Make of that what you will. http://lobsterking.livejournal.com/42803.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Family Holidays Last week we asked you to tell us what you could remember of going on holiday with your family: http://b3ta.com/questions/familyholidays/ * WOBBLY PINK SPIDERMAN "My Uncle Hamish has a number of great friends with whom he used to travel around Europe. One of the said friends has a curious desire to get nekkid whenever he gets drunk. Hamish and his mates were in Italy, blasting along some back roads when this mate decides to get some nudey action in, strips off in the car and climbs out of the sun roof holding onto the roof rack like a wobbly pink Spiderman. The second he was up there, Hamish wound the sunroof shut and floored it. After about five mins of screaming from above them they decide to do the decent thing and drive onto the Autoroute, past a bus load of school kids who pissed themselves laughing at the screaming naked man with flapping nads perched on top of the car. When they pulled over and let Mr Naked back in, he was almost in shock and to my knowledge stopped the naked japes from that point on." (BigWill) * FERRY "20 years ago, my Dad decided to take us for a trip to France in March. Other than the fact that I got really car- and sea-sick on the way there, the whole two weeks were fairly unremarkable, if a little damp. Due to a promotion in a scummy, unpopular-in-Liverpool tabloid, we were getting the ferry back from Belgium, rather than France. This meant we had a much longer drive back. Despite leaving with plenty of time to spare, the frequent stops to allow me to throw up on some very scenic grass verges meant we rolled into Zeebrugge just in time to see the ferry leave. Cue my dad screaming at me about how it was all my fault and how it'd cost a fortune to get back now. His rant was curtailed by me pointing at the ferry we had just missed as it first rolled heavily one way, then the other, before taking a sudden turn and sinking. We missed being on the Herald Of Free Enterprise when it sank by about five minutes and a puddle of vomit." (ScousersPet) * TWINS "Me and my then-best-mate James went with my Dad, Nan, Grandad and Great Uncle Tom to one of the Haven Holiday caravan sites in Cornwall. We were there 3 days, and we pulled twins, albeit from a Mormon family. They were up for anything. Highlight of most men's lives. We had great fun for 3 days and on the last night, they invited us back to their caravan as the parents were out. Fun occurs. Lots of getting naked type fun. Until headlights flash across the window: Ma and Pa twin are home. We get caught, dragged back to our van, bollocked collectively by their parents and mine. Finding both daughters with one set of pants on between them didn't go down too well. Me, James and my family were collectively banned from all Haven Holiday camps. Thing was, as we exited the Manager's office, my dad shook me by the hand, muttering - "twins, naked, brilliant..." (gjb006) >> This Week's Question << Why should you be fired? Confess all here: http://b3ta.com/questions/whyishouldbefired/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Number stations << Number stations are radio channels that broadcast nothing but a voice, reading a steady stream of numbers. Why are they there? No-one knows. But that doesn't stop them trying out a variety of outlandish theories. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Number_stations >> Too many ponies << This woman is clearly pathologically unable to throw out anything related to 80's toy craze My Little Pony. Scroll down for the full horror of this demented 'pony sanctuary'. http://tinyurl.com/3dxj6t >> Kevin Mitnick's business card << Celebrated hacker Kevin Mitnick's card came up with a novel way to ensure his contact info wasn't thrown away by people. His card doubles as a pull-out lock-picking kit. How useful is that? Well ok, not very. Looks cool though. http://www.flickr.com/photos/ranh/106709219/ >> Magazine optical illusions << Deceptively simple bit of trickery, making it look like real people are part of magazine photos. Good attention to detail with the hairstyles and such. http://tinyurl.com/26n49q >> "Should I get a sugar daddy?" << That's what the strippers are discussing up on their web forum. Some handy advice there, if you're in the same situation. Hmm. Remember when the only people who had forums were software developers? http://www.stripperweb.com/forum/showthread.php >> Fake broken LCD screen << Here's a quick gag to play on someone - replace the wallpaper on their laptop with this image of a cracked screen. Not that we could actually we arsed to play such pranks on our friends, we did it to our own PC, forgot about it, then went "OMG! WTFs happened to our lovely computer?" Idiots. http://www.fontblog.de/C1413545161/E1863918477/ind... >> Kiddy dildo action << Who doesn't love looking at photos of kids playing with inappropriately-shaped toys and wondering, "Why the hell didn't anyone realise?" http://englishrussia.com/#more-1214 ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Wombats! Geoff Logan writes, "I'm in Tasmania - Hooray! It's beautiful here and means we can look after these fellas when they get injured. 3-month-old wombat found near our driveway." http://tinyurl.com/2a444e ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Displaying compression artifacts for the kids >> Kung fu child beater << The addition of some simple sound effects and a bit of trick camera work and it genuinely looks like this guy is beating the crap out of his kids under the guise of teaching them martial arts! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Child_Beater >> Charley the spacker cat << Surprisingly touching vid about Charley, a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia. Essentially, this condition makes him a clumsy oaf who walks like a feline John Wayne. Cute. http://b3ta.com/links/This_is_Charley_He_s_not_lik... >> James Blunt on Sesame Street << The whiney-voiced singer has lost his favourite shape and he doesn't know what to do. As some people have already commented, our opinion of him actually went up after seeing this. http://www.b3ta.com/links/James_Blunt_on_Sesame_St... >> Worst domino rally ever << So disappointing! No prizes for guessing the payoff to this, after a long set-up shot detailing the entire, intricate domino arrangement. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Worst_domino_rally_ever ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER * GASH MAGS - With the lady's head blocking out the 'O', it look's like a magazine about... http://tinyurl.com/2cb2bx ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Safety Last Challenge Last week we wanted you to take everyday objects and make them properly dangerous. Your favourites included: * Smoke detector with a 'snooze' button - to be honest, we kind of wish this was available whenever we cook (thephantom) * 'Daddy's little helper' mobile - letting your child have a play with power tools (HappyToast) * 'Slam-dunk' piano-wire seat-belt and neck restraint - ouch (mofaha) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/danger/ >> New challenge: If song lyrics were true << Sod metaphor, imagine if that rotten wordplay was literal fact! http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/literal_song_lyrics/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. TARDIS GIRL - a number of you wrote in to say how much you fancied the girl who made the cake last week. Including Pablocumming who managed to cyber-stalk a better photo of her. BTW: We've checked and she's ok with us linking this image, and we're very happy to have members with such fantastic breasts. Huzzah. http://tinyurl.com/2xrotk NOKIA CHARGERS - our complaint sparked many emails from disgruntled users including dregan who barks, "Jesus fuck, I hate that shit. I got a newish Nokia and didn't realise that the jack-hole was too small for every other charger in existence, it is honestly the worst thing ever. OK i mean you can buy an adaptor but fuck that i didn't graduate from university to carry half a foot of wires in my pocket for no reason. Even if i did graduate in engineering." ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * LEVEL SIDEBURN TECHNOLOGY - fredthedeadhead writes, "I've come up to a solution to the nightmare of shaving sideburns equally! We all know that sideburns are a pain to measure so that they are the same length. So I've had an ingenious plan! All you need is to get some of that plastic that you can stick onto mirrors and then peel off again later. Onto that, draw a face-length horizontal line to line your eyes up with (to make sure your face is level) and at each end of that, have a vertical ruler to ensure your sideburns are of equal length!" * LAPTOPS THAT RUN COOL - can't all the heat that they produce be used for powering the device longer? Instead of lowering our fertility? * SHOE CAMERAS - for taking photos of ladies' knickers on the underground. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by alloydog, simon.bigg Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Newsletter title by Your watch is. Bacon butties to b4ta. (RAPEYWOO) ------------------------------------------------- NOTVERYSICKIBUTSTILLINAPEDIA: What nationality is Mr Sheen? Polish. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive