we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WE AR IN UR BBC RIGGNG UR COMPOS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * FOOD - Silkworm pizza * IMAGE CHALLENGE - Evil books for kiddies * QUESTION - Have YOU drunk meths like us? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're not buying ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Buying B3ta ad space is both relaxing and refreshing. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Pizza, Races and Pirate noises >> Silkworm pizza << Putrid chef Fraser Lewry has recently been cooking up a storm with his silkworm pupa pizza. The result looks surprisingly tasty, but we're assured that it tastes little better than a shit in a bun. http://www.blogjam.com/2007/06/28/silkworm-pupa-pi... >> Google Maps races << "I made a game!" gesticulates Tom Scott, "It's a Google Maps racing game! You can drive like a loon around your home-town in a pixelly car. It's vastly improved if you make racing-car noises as you play. Although, frankly, anything's improved by making racing-car noises." This isn't the most playable thing you'll see today but you have to love the idea. http://www.thomasscott.net/realworldracer/ >> Phoning for a curry like a pirate << "It was a warm, slightly pissed Saturday night and we decided to order Indian for dinner," boasts mrgyneacologist, "my mate challenged me a tenner to order it like a pirate." We didn't want to like this, but somehow, we kinda did. Sorry. http://uk.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Flatulent arseholes Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked about your anal guffs: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/farting/ * THE LONDON EYE "is basically a small sealed plastic capsule on a huge wheel. It takes 30 minutes to complete a revolution and once it has begun there is no way to go off other than waiting for the ride to finish. Thus, it was a rare moment of synchronicity that I dropped the most pungent gruff of my entire life right at the top of the London eye, on a hot summers day, surrounded by unsuspecting tourists. I swear to god one Italian lady tried to force the main door on the capsule. She would have rather jumped than bear the stench anymore. They knew it was me because I was the only one laughing." (MrVictim) * OUR DOG BEN "once farted in front of the gas fire, and lit his own fart. The surprise and confusion as he leapt up and whipped around to see what what going on with his bum was quite special. Length - dunno, but it definitely went 'woof'." (BeatsWork) * SUPERMARKET SWEEP - "When I was younger I used to work in a supermarket on the night shift. One night, to alleviate the inevitable boredom of shelf-stacking, I wandered down to the front desk, held down the talk button and let a real teeth-rattler go into the microphone of the PA system. I can't begin to express the satisfaction of hearing ones own arse-biscuit echo round the eves of a large closed supermarket followed by a hearty cheer from impressed colleagues." (toomanydecibels) >> Drinking meths << We'd like you to tell us your stories of teenage rebellion. Hopefully involving meths. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/teenagerebellion/ ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCALYPSE Sausage-crust pizza Japan has finally brought its engineering genius to fast food. It's all in the detail; a pizza with small, cheesy sausage-rolls circling the rim, topped with maple syrup and beef-burgers. Is this some deluded Oriental parody of what Westerners eat? http://www.plasticbamboo.com/2007/07/16/pizza-hut-... ------------------------------------------------- : RICHARD & JUDY'S B3TA BOOK CLUB Tintin In The Congo Times change and books that were once seen as appropriate are now considered, in the words of Commission for Racial Equality, "old fashioned, racist claptrap." This Tintin tome, for instance, has been kicking up a stink in the UK, with calls for high-street shops to pull the book from the shelves. Sales, of course, have sky-rocketed, hence the right thing to do is to download a hooky copy to see what the fuss is about without lining the pockets of "all publicity is good publicity" publishers. http://snipurl.com/tintinandthenignogs ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Hat/pillow combo << Always got time for surprising product convergence, our all-time favourite being the excremental salt/pepper medley, Spepper. Our pick of the pox this week is this nutty professor, who's decided to mash-up a cushion and a balaclava. Although having said all that, we quite fancy one, and wonder if someone could design us a sofa/toilet melange for the truly idle. http://itp.nyu.edu/%7Ejyp243/jy/pillow.htm >> Maddox on the iPhone << As reader awthomas100 points out, "Maddox has finally written something new. He sure is getting lazy." True enough, but now the wait is over we're enjoying his rant on how much better some Nokia is than the iPhone. Will history prove him right? http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi >> Very Weird Game << Can't claim we bothered playing this game properly, but the mental visuals made us nostalgic for the earlier days of B3ta and our less-than-influential 'shit is good' manifesto. http://www.secrettechnology.com/gamegame/gamegame.... >> Rubber woman << Wannabe Buffalo Bill? Don't bother skinning a woman to make a lady suit - simply give these marketing perverts your credit card details in exchange for a prostitute-shaped rubber suit. Complete with "urethra orifice" and "insertable rectum for the anus." We're wearing one now. And pushing drawing pins into our scrotum. Don't lie - we know you are too. http://www.femskin.com/ >> What time is it? << "Time is an illusion, lunch-times doubly so," as the great Douglas Adams once wrote, probably after a very boozy lunch, procrastinating about writing another best-seller. No particular reason to mention this other than chrono-boffins have designed a watch that always tells the correct time. i.e. 'now'. If they were really clever, it should photograph as 'then'. http://www.elevatefilms.com/NOW_Watch_p/watch-001.... >> Mike Read NOT standing for Mayor << We repeat, Mike Read - one-time Radio 1 journalist - is NOT standing for London Mayor. Loving these 1000+ comments on the Guardian mocking the nation's least favourite DJ for his pompous arrogance. As b3tard Parmesan writes, "It is, quite possibly, the most astonishingly self-regarding, deluded, bizarre piece of writing I have ever seen. Some have speculated that it could only be the work of Chris Morris, or some other joker." http://snipurl.com/justrelaxyouoldtwat ------------------------------------------------- : TONY HARTS GALLERY Collections of photos. 7 rofls out of ten stuff >> Unfortunate Advertising << Placing advertising is a tricksy job, news happens quickly and story-vs-spot juxtaposition can create some interesting tension. Some classics of the genre are found here. http://www.oddee.com/item_87332.aspx >> Deleted photos << Digital cameras have changed photography. No more 'say cheese', now we take 100s of snaps and throw away the ones that look rubbish. This site questions your need to chuck, and celebrates the snaps that end up in the recycle bin. Although we question the methods: how can a user both delete and submit the same photo? A better plan would be to employ cyber-ninjas to check strangers' recycle bins. http://www.deletedimages.com/ >> Seeing skulls << Dave 'please don't email me googlewhacks' Gorman has recently been building a collection on Flickr of photographed objects that resemble faces. Similar but eerier stuff going on here, finding pix that look like flesh-riven human heads. Perhaps you can help? http://skulladay.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby Hedgepig "We've just adopted this little fella", grumbles DancesWithWeezils, "He was abandoned by his mother when her nest was disturbed!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cute_baby_hedgehog_video ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Well at least it's not 'Facebook Ap of teh week' >> Best jump ever? << In what will presumably be pulled from YouTube once the hits rack up, and end up on break.com, we're giggling at this clip of school boys jumping from a roof onto a trampoline. Yes, it's as bad an idea as it sounds. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Nearly nude dancey twat << We're amused by this clip both because, well, a slightly overweight bloke dancing in his pants is always a winner, and secondly because he shares a name with someone we worked with, Steve Berry, a web producer once of Channel 4. Hi Steve! Nice knickers! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Dancing girl << Apparently this clip was made by playing the song at half speed and then speeding up the video. However it was done, the effect is mesmeric. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Guaranteed 100% funnier than ever >> Philippino MILFs << Probably not what you're thinking, but an unwisely-named group of Islamic militants as in: "But he denied that the MILF was responsible for the beheadings, or that it was involved in the kidnapping of the priest." http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6290... >> Butt Foods << If you thought this feature couldn't get less sophisticated then hang your head in shame! And likewise to the bakers, who clearly weren't even trying with this name. http://www.buttfoods.co.uk/ >> Alice Bendova << "When I was in Prague last week," explains Clive P, "I was attracted to the smiling face on a magazine on a bookstand. It turned out that the lovely lady is called Alice Bendova." Cue racy comment and sniggering. http://www.super.cz/celebrity/alice-bendova ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Foody Tube / Underground Big massive props to uber-genius "An Eagle in your Mind" who's created for us possibly the best t-shirt ever designed. You need this on your chest. http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Muppets Challenge Last week we wanted to watch movies starring the muppets. Your favourites included: * KERMAL RECALL - On of the most famous sequences in science-fiction, recreated with added green (dbroon) * BORT - yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, Orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bort! bort! bort! (shovelboy) * WACKA MAN - According to Wikipedia, Fozzie's catch-phrase is actually 'Wocka Wocka Wocka', but who cares? (The Great Architect) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/muppets/ >> New challenge: Bad Books For Kids << Books are a vital part of any child's early learning. So let's mess with their little heads and devise the most inappropriate children's books ever. Challenge borrowed from Something Awful. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/childrens-books/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FREE ALAN JOHNSTON was last week's plaintive cry. However, Elvis of Nazareth was unamused. "With regard to your latest newsletter, I must inform you that my advertised free Alan Johnston was missing from my particular copy. I have informed my newsagent but alas he is a cunt." Our apologies, Elvis. We will fax you one across via the interwebs. * THE SO-CALLED 'MICE' featured in newsletter 285 were, in fact, voles. "Trust me," says ferret joe gravely, with the full authority of a man who has a 2.2 in zoology. * BEEROPHONE - Bringing to life our fondest dream, The Coast of Yemen has crafted a mighty musical instrument powered by thirst-quenching amber nectar. Having beheld its wondrous form nothing will satisfy us now but that we see or hear it play! http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/beerophone... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Tetris - drag'n'drop The interface innovations of the early 90s have finally been brought to everyone's favourite pentomino-based gaming-heroin. Kinda fun in a 'Windows 3.1 on your Gameboy' sorta way. http://gcgz.com/inflash/list/x.php ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * GRAVITY DARTS - we placed a dart-board beneath a high, open window and dropped darts out. It was a lot of fun, but probably best not done near pavements. * THOMAS THE AUSWITCHZ ENGINE - the disturbing story of Thomas and Percy talking the nice Jewish folks to the gas chambers. * RICHARD DAWKINS IS MY DAD - a cartoon from the perspective of a small child, sobbing as old Dadkins debunks the tooth fairy, using a very detailed powerpoint presentation. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Sarah Bee, Absynth&Cheese, hahn, klaus, Rob 'Rob' Wakefield, tex, pinkda1sy, sdoty, wandring_soul, Hairy. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject-line compo winner: Ad7. Pork chops to b4ta. ( ) ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the difference between the Scottish and Madeleine McCann? The Scottish are still tight. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive