we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "FREE ALAN JOHNSTON" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Beer Beer Beer * FOOD - B3tard eats placenta * WEEBL - More Cat Face ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | "We're stop-motioning ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Every penny spent with B3ta is a penny that your boss will praise you for spending. And you'll get laid. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK The bestest stuff ever, we suspect >> Beer Beer Beer << Your Ginger Fuhrer writes, "Two days, two people, twenty beer glasses and over 1000 photos. My legs are still aching." And if there was an organisation called "The Pub Marketing Board"? This video surely would have won the pitch. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Beer_Beer_Beer >> Placenta-eating << TV chef Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall became famous after a stunt where he flambéed and puréed a human placenta which was served as a pâté. Our own Lord Manley is a man after his heart. (Not literally, although we wouldn't put it past him.) http://havingapoo.blogspot.com/2007/07/placenta-pa... >> Cat Face II << Looks like Weebl is onto a winnner with his new Cat Face series. We're finding that people are referencing it online and quoting the song. Funny script too. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face+2/ >> Chocolate rain parody << Hard to miss over the last few weeks has been Tay Zonday's surprisingly catchy self-penned 'Chocolate Rain' song and vid on YouTube. B3tard par excellence RussinLondon knocked up his own takeoff this very afternoon. Brilliance! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Chocolate_Rain_spoof ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Crazy Relatives Last week we asked about your certifiable relatives: http://b3ta.com/questions/crazyrelatives/ Here are three grandparents who are away with the fairies: * GREY SQUIRRELS "My granddad used to leave pudding out in the garden. Slightly mental in itself, of course. When asked why, he responded: "It's for the grey squirrels" Not just squirrels, though of course that's somewhat banana- brained in itself, but specifically grey ones. And why might that be, granddad? Bless his fucked-up excuse for a mind, he was under the impression that grey squirrels were elderly red squirrels. And being elderly, they most likely wouldn't be able to chew nuts as well as in their youthful red-haired days. So a nice soft pudding seemed the obvious solution. My parents never corrected him and he continued preparing roly poly, spotted dick and rice pudding for the 'old dears' until he died." (Confused, would we?) * SELF HARM "My granddad, for whatever reason, needed to climb a tree about 10 years ago to cut down a branch that was upsetting him. My gran told him that if he fell and hurt himself to not come complaining to her. After a few hours of not hearing any swearing she took a look out the window and saw him sat by the tree having fallen off and broken both his legs. "You said don't call you if something happened..." After recovering in hospital and back home to do his bricolage, he then managed to cut off bits of his fingers with a circular saw. He swears the dog ate them. After recovering from that, back in his garage, he needed to open a little tub of super-glue. What with the newly mangled hand and what-not, he decided to use his mouth and efficiently glued his gob shut. Ok, this time he couldn't call for help so OAP reasoning took over that he could deal with this with a wood file from the shed and shred his lips back open. He's still alive and kicking, though he probably doesn't remember any of it" (schrembot) * ARMADILLOS "My Nana regularly phones the council to complain that there are Armadillos living in her house, and they should do something about it. No matter how much we try and explain to her that Wood-lice can get through the smallest crack, and that getting the odd one a month in her hall during summer will not actually harm her." (turtles head is touching cloth) >> This Week's Question << Are you all farty? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/farting/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> iPhone Knitting << The web has been going mental for the iPhone this week, from the will-it-blend lot destroying one, teenage hackers working out how to connect them to different networks and best of all, old ladies knitting them for their grandchildren. Thanks gran - just what we wanted. http://daddytypes.com/2007/07/04/my_mom_handknit_a... >> Eye Tattoos << Bmezine should be stopped. Who thought it was a good idea to stick all the body modification freaks in one place and have them out-do each other in tattoo-madness? Inking your own eyeballs? Fucking insane. Made you look, make you stare, made you wank off Tony Blair. http://modblog.bmezine.com/2007/07/02/three-blind-... >> Lolcats vs Doctor Who << Blokey in the office says to us the other day, "Am I really old on this lolcats thing? I've been reading all of them overnight and they are hilarious." Well, hopefully he'll also enjoy this reworking of Doctor Who in lol-stylee. We loved it with a sexy passion. http://nostalgia-lj.livejournal.com/1336208.html >> Google Maps Tube Mash-up << Ok, not a super-fun-woo-b3ta-rolf-lol-link, but London readers will enjoy this. Find out how different the actual tube routes are to the famous map via this interactive thingamajig. http://tubejp.co.uk/ >> Blindfold drawing << Sixty years ago Life Magazine asked cartoonists to draw their characters whilst blindfolded. Fascinating stuff, and we suggest you close your eyes right now and attempt to scribble a crudely-drawn cock. http://snipurl.com/cripple_my_cattle >> You're so dumped << No, not what the cannibal said after eating his ex-girlfriend, but a rather illiterate rejection letter read out, grammatical error after error whilst sniggering. Made us lol and rolf like a 13-year old girl polluting the comments on YouTube. http://youmakemetouchyourhandsforstupidreasons.ytm... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Baby mice Smelch writes - "I took this photo, I think it makes people go awww or whatever, so might go good in the newsletter." Indeed, your mouse made our hearts burst with joy. http://www.flickr.com/photos/smelch/535134191/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Saying 'meh' to what twats call UCG each week >> Will it blend: iPhone << As previously mentioned in this very issue, here we are, unexclusively bringing you the link. According to our official B3ta chef, Fraser Lewry, this is "viral advertising at its best." But then he eats a lot of raw beef and thinks it's tasty, so basically he's mental anyway. http://www.willitblend.com/videos.aspx >> Youtube vs Youtube << Who hasn't fantasised about being Bono, singing about leprechauns and the IRA in front of a bank of TVs? Well, this is as close as you're going to get, by mixing two (yes! count them!) two, youtube videos and watching them at the same time. More fun than it probably should be. http://www.youtubedoubler.com/ >> Wormy cock << NSFW, nightmare-inducing, don't-click-on-this-whatever-you-do worm/penis horror. Heh. We told you not to click. Did you listen? Did you? http://www.mojoflix.com/Video/worm-and-me.html ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Pixelly Pep does her stuff Sexy Denise, our official B3ta design genius, has been making brand-new, high quality garments. You'll want to wear them because they're just so fucking cool you'll probably get laid just by clicking the link. (Can we have our £5 please now Den?) http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Scissors and Glue Challenge Last week we wanted you to create photoshoppery the good old-fashioned way, using scissors and glue and stuff. Your favourites included: * ELGAR - Highly innovative use of a crisp twenty pound note from the surely demented (Spunky McPunk) * MARIO - This image will scar your dainty eyeballs. It may be a penis, but it's not porn. (Dooley) * LOCAL SHOP - The League of Gentlemen missed a trick not casting eggs in their sketches; this labour of love redresses the balance (Andytomaz) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scissors/ >> New challenge: Muppets do the Movies << The Muppets have made some pretty mediocre movies, but what other films could they star in to bring in the blockbuster bucks? Challenge suggested by The Great Architect http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/muppets/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * FRUIT JUICE-ONLY DIET - nirm somewhat alarmingly confesses, "Surviving for seven days on fruit juice is impossible. I started Friday 5pm and got to sunday morning before I started to get the most agonising stomach cramps followed by explosive diarrhoea. It is now Monday and I can not go to work, I can not even fart without the fear or shitting myself." * ZOO / NUTS - the endless appropriation of B3tard-made images for the weekly men's mags has been drawing some rumblings from journalists. The Times also got in touch asking for quotes on this, but we're unsure if they ran anything. To be honest, there's not a huge amount we can say that wouldn't look like hypocrisy, but PLEASE magazine people, if you want to use re-print stuff off the web, throw in a token payment / ask for permission from the actual creator of the work. Cheers. http://www.journalism.co.uk/news/story3385.shtml * UNCYCLOPEDIA - we, perhaps unwisely, mentioned this wiki-nonsense site a few weeks back, not realising that a few of you hadn't heard of it. Random Image confesses, "I decided to type in B3ta - I got this stuff about 'B3ta was founded in the late 14th Century by the failure of the Spanish Armada to invade a single one of the British Isles.'" Heh, complete nonsense of course. B3ta was actually founded by bored staff at Emap's Your Horse magazine. http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/B3ta * B3TA / SUICIDE - don't read the next bit if you don't want to be alarmed. Dunks writes, "My Partner, Sue, committed suicide 7 weeks ago. It's really crap. I'm having a hard time (as you can imagine - we'd been together nearly 19 years) but watching B3ta does help me in its own way. I've been a boarder for over 4 years, though I don't post very much these days. But I am finding the sheer superficiality & sickness of B3ta so comforting in these dark times for me. Sue used to slag me off for being such a Nerd & a B3tian (it's now B3tard?), but she would always wait on a Friday night when we were suitably pissed enough for me to show her the highlights from the newsletter. She loved it! Her favourite thing ever was the Kitten-Hitler game & she also loved the image competitions. I can hear her laughter now & will forever. Life's just so shit isn't it? In B3ta style, I would like a T-Shirt saying: MY WIFE KILLED HERSELF." Yep, as we said, the word is ALARMED. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BOTTLE-BLOWING XYLOPHONE - film yourself blowing beer bottles, create different notes by drinking some of the beer. Edit it together to play Peter and the Wolf. * A BIG BUTTON - that turns Facebook off. Yes, it's great, but we've got some work to do, and so have you. * TESTING VINEGAR - you know there's that book that suggests pretty much everything can be cleaned by vinegar? And it can cure warts? Systematically compare vinegar with the leading brand-name solutions. Let's put this stinky baby to bed once and for all. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Coelacanth, Friz & The Coast of Yemen. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Pork chops to b4ta. Subject line by Griffin Savoury, other suggestions included: http://www.b3ta.com/board/7403521 ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Eight foreign doctors: three bombs, no deaths. Harold Shipman: one doctor, one syringe; 300 dead. Fuck it. Makes you proud to be British. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive