we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "PORKY JOEL SHOWS US HIS TROTTERS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Rathergood pork fight * CHALLENGE - Make stuff with glue and scissors * QUESTION - Your mental relatives ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Oh go on, spend some of your advertising budget with us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK They've been making hay whilst the sun shines >> Pork fight << Since giving up the cigs, Veitch has replaced his need for nicoteen with a daily intake of pork. He eats approximatly two pigs per month and we're rather worried about his health. However, what's bad for his heart is good for his comedy. Watch and wonder. http://www.rathergood.com/pork_fight/ >> The Great Internet Swear Project << "The purpose of this site is to find out what the best swear word in the world is," informs morner. "I figured you manky lot would probably have a better idea of this than most, so here you go. You'll be presented with two swear words; simply click on the one you think is best." Possibly a teensy bit NSFW, but, hey, you already guessed that. http://www.doyoukissyourmotherwiththatmouth.co.uk/ >> Frankie Valli on LSD << According to mutated monty, "I was commissioned to make this music video." We can only salute the fortitude of the music video people - this is alarming stuff. The wavy-hand trees. Extra-mouth Frankie. Brrr, man. Spooky. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Frankie_Valli_on_LSD >> The Abortionists << Pulse-pounding comic-book action as an elite team of abortionists tackle the looming threat of a human reproducing. Nash Odyssey is a nasty, nasty man (or possibly woman). http://www.b3ta.com/board/7361085 ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Late Last week we wanted to know why you were late: http://b3ta.com/questions/late/ * YOU CNUT "I had been warned not to be late for work again so the next morning to prove a point I left the house an hour early. The traffic on the dual carriageway was crawling along, I couldn't understand it as it was never congested, especially at 7am, but I didn't worry as I had 2 hours to get to work. An hour and a half later and I was shitting myself, I had only moved a few miles and the clock was ticking. I phoned work on my mobile, it rings and rings and rings... finally it's picked up and it's only the bloody director! I start to explain who I am and the predicament I’m in when I see what has been holding up traffic. A man was pushing his car up the dual carriageway, not to the side of the road but UP the sodding carriageway. My blood literally boiled, I was seething with rage at this moron who was about to cost me my job, so I wound down the window and screamed YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!! as I drove past. At which point I realised that I still had my mobile firmly pressed to my ear and that I had just informed the company director that I was going to be late for work because he was a stupid fucking cunt." (Colonel Dracula) * THE BEANO BECOMES REALITY "I'm jealous of this one because, along with someone actually slipping on a discarded banana skin, it's something I've always wanted to see. My colleague was a bit late from his lunch break because he was so thrilled and couldn't stop laughing at what he'd seen. Apparently he came running into the office, quite flustered and exclaimed, "Sorry I'm late but you'll never guess what I've just seen... a dog running from a butchers shop with a string of sausages in it's mouth!" Marvellous." (abefroman) * FAKE DELAY "I drove a morning peak-hour train to Cannon Street some weeks ago - when we get there I'm due to 'change ends' and take the now empty train back to the depot. Walking back through the train, a young bloke asks me if I could do him a favour - could he sit in the carriage and phone his boss to tell him he's going to be late, while I make a PA announcement claiming the train was 'being delayed'. I nearly asked him if he was a fellow B3tan. (And yes, I did help him out - I go the extra mile for my commuters)" (coopsweb) >> This Week's Question << Who is your craziest relative? Are they really crazier than this lot?: http://b3ta.com/questions/crazyrelatives/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like, found via this new internet thing >> Foot/vagina sex toy << Some people have a fetish about feet, they think feet are sexy. Not into that, but, hey, it takes all sorts. But this item is baffling. http://www.stockroom.com/SiFeet-Pussy-Foot-P2958.a... >> The Collected Writings of Peter Doherty << Pete Doherty has written a book. Well, to be exact, he wrote 20 books and had them condensed down to one volume of "poems, drawings, personal reflections, lyrics and collages." That may or may not fill you with delight - check out the reviews for some nice backlash venom. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/075288591... >> Cat shock! << For thousands of years, cats have been feared and reviled as the very emissaries of Satan. Now you can relive those carefree days with a short ytmnd slideshow and soundtrack. http://shockingcats.ytmnd.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Perky pufferfish This week we stretch the boundaries of cuteness with this rotund denizen of the coral reef. Aww, but look at his little face! http://www.strangetravel.com/images/content/120863... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> 'Take on me' on hands << Well here's something different: a bloke who plays tunes on his hands. At least, that's what he claims. But the windy noises and the way he shifts in his chair make it seem to us that he may be talking out of his hat. Here's his version of Take On Me - what do you reckon? http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Kitchen towel dispenser << Truly a sign of the impending Apocalypse - a device that helps you to tear a sheet off a roll of kitchen towel. Can there really be a more pathetic waste of human ingenuity? You have to feel sorry for the proud inventors though, choosing YouTube to showcase their baby then having to weather a shitstorm of abuse. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Hamster loves popcorn << The teasing of this adorable little rodent would be bordering on animal cruelty, were it not for the fact that he seems to care for nothing in the world so much as the big chunk of popcorn he clutches rapturously in his tiny paws. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Flooded up police << Respect to Derbyshire police who, rather than remain aloof from the waterlogged plight of the British public, pitched right in. Yup, here's that clip of them driving straight into a small lake like a bunch of twats. Well done, lads. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : 'FUNNY' NAME CORNER And yes, we use the quotes to denote irony >> Bum equipment << Was walking about in Taiwan," admits eroseboom, "and located the 'Bum Equipment' shop next to the 'Wanko' store." How very handy! http://www.flickr.com/photos/eroseboom/136740982/ > Racist Denmark << Who knew that the home of Whigfield and Lego could be so casually racist about the humble cornershop? http://www.singingbanana.com/personal/denmarkhates... >> Kumon Thailand << What seems like an enticing invitation to tourists on this educational website. http://www.kumonthailand.com/ >> Felchlin chocolate << A posh brand of Swiss confectionary, spotted by Kersal Missive in a US sweet shop. "There's also a place called 'Felch Township' in Michigan," he wildly claims. Ewww. http://www.felchlin.com/ >> Epic Chinese menu pics << We've featured Last Night A DJ Battered My Christ's Foodtube blog a number of times over the past months. He's currently taking time out from his culinary voyage of exploration but sent in these exquisite pics of a Beijing restaurant menu. The 'Fuck a tea tree mushroom' looks particularly delicious. http://foodtube.livejournal.com/3241.html ------------------------------------------------- : T SHIRT OF THE WEEK Home Taping Didn't Kill Music Denise, our own B3ta desiger, made new shirts this week. Home taping didn't kill music video didn't kill the radio star, but b3ta killed pretty much everything else... http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gordon Brown Challenge Last week we wanted you to shop the new Prime Minister. Your favourites included: * MONSTER - as featured in The Times, this image may return to haunt Mr Brown, scarring his leadership in the same way that David Steele's Spitting Image puppet hastened his political demise (Charles Hawtrey) * SITCOM - the laughter literally never stops at Number 10 (Charles Hawtrey again) * WHOOPEE - Gordon is very very excited indeed (Leningrad) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gordon_brown/ >> New challenge: Glue & Scissors << Switch off your PC and pick up your scissors, glue, pencils and felt tips. Add your favourite magazines, and create photoshoppery the good old-fashioned way! Challenge suggested by Dixon_Bawls. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/scissors/ >> Oi! Pay attention! << Want to set a challenge? Be like Dixon_Bawls: have an idea, put it on the board, get people to vote on it. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BLOKE WHO CLAIMS HE CAN LIVE ON FRUIT JUICE - B3ta's official scientist Ben Goldacre says, "can't Endemol just invite him on big brother and settle it for good?" http://snipr.com/dailymailnazibollock Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by David Stevenson as Rob was too hungover to do anything useful. However Rob did select the links. Which was nice of him. Stuff sent in by dicastri, Bob, Grubbymitts, Saratron, Sara, hahn, redazril, AE, ram1us78, jim and jonnyellins. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparently it had tax, insurance and the radio was still in it. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive