we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "URBAN TURBAN BAN BANTER" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Burpy man gets burpy * BEEF - Wearing it as pants * OJ SIMPSON - We managed about 30 pages ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Media buyers. We want to felate you. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Burps, Blairs and Big Cat-face >> Burpy man << "Just a quick note", quickly notes Dr.A, "to inform you of my childish and unpleasant video mash-up of that opera-singing chap who won Britain's Got Talent. Several people from foreign lands thought it was an actual act, which has pretty much made my life complete." http://www.b3ta.com/links/I_apologise_in_advance >> Goodbye Blair << "My final video on the subject of Mr Anthony Charles Lynton Blair", possibly lies Manic, "Requires jazz-hands." Epic. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Goodbye_Tony_Blair >> Cat face << Jonti has been working on new ideas for cartoons, about a cat, with a very large cat face. But, arguably, the face of a different cat. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Cat+Face/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The worst sex I ever had We wanted your bad sex moments. http://b3ta.com/questions/worstsex/ * POST-COITAL SMALL TALK "New bird, first shag, post coital fag and chat. Her: Did you enjoy that? Me: Of course! lets do it again. Her: I can't believe I used to do this for extra money at university Me: Seriously? Her: Yes but I haven't done it for money for ages. and I won't be charging you this time! Me: So you were a whore? Her: Well I don't like that word. Me: I think I'll leave. Her: My boyfriend will kick your fucking head in if he finds out what we just did. Me: Fucking hell. Could you make this dreamy night even more perfect?. Her: I stabbed a guy once. Not that deep. He was OK in the end. Me: I have to go now." (I have run out of coke) * WHAT DID YOU SAY? "New girlfriend. She was really up for everything. We were having a fantastic time shagging at every opportunity. Anyway, she starts to go down on me, gently dragging her hair and boobs down my body. She licks just below my balls. Oooh. *shudder* I murmur my appreciation, and she stops to whisper, "Yeah, my Uncle always liked that." (like I'm going to give my name) * RUINING IT FOR YOUSELF "Our first time after seeing each other for a week or so. We kiss, we pet, he grabs a condom, strips while facing away from me, and then (like a magician revealing a fine trick) spins round to face me, johnny on, ready to go. My first introduction to his manhood. It was miniscule. I mean, really, really. It was like a cocktail sausage wearing a see-through tent. But, we've come this far, and I felt bad for him all ready to go, and I must admit there was more than a smattering of pity, so I thought I'd just give him a blow job. Consolation prize. I threw away the condom, and got down to work. You know how JD in Scrubs has his own personal monologue running? Well, I have my own. Normally, it's fairly mundane and non-offensive, but as I grappled with distinctly less than a mouthful of willy, the little voice in my head piped up. "This is what being a paedophile must feel like." That was it. I couldn't continue. I practically spat his dick out and ran out the door. Poor sod." (itsnotmehonest) >> This Week's Question << What's the most horrifying thing you've ever seen? From what's already been posted, it's not for the faint-hearted this one: http://b3ta.com/questions/horriblesights/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> OJ's banned book << The gossip sites have been on fire with a leaked copy of OJ Simpson's 'If I Did It', his tawdry account of how, if he had murdered his wife, how exactly he would have stuck the knife in. We managed about 30 pages and mostly noticed OJ complaining that his dead wife was a liar. Can't say we warmed to him, but for those with stronger stomachs than ours, the complete PDF download is available here and probably a thousand other sites if this one goes down. BTW: Speaking of leaked literary stuff, there's a link doing the rounds purporting to say who dies at the end of the final Harry Potter. Google it if you're interested. http://www.mediafire.com/ >> Subvertising slogans << We've got a feeling that we've been sent this link a few times but never really clocked how amusing it is. It simply takes a few famous advertising tag-lines; "Coke is it!" for example, and allows you to switch the product. To stuff like cock. Much funnier than it should be. http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi >> Beef pants << Here's a product ideal for Joel Veitch and his thousands of sexual conquests - knickers made from jerky. Just imagine it - he could play a 7 Seconds of Love gig and toss the pants into the audience, the lucky catchee getting to ride his enormous man-cock backstage. Lovely. http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php >> Vag sculpting << Boys! Have you ever wondered what a vagina looks like? We mean, really looks like, if you filled your good lady wife with plaster of Paris and took a mould? Wonder no more, because Uncle Internet is here to sate your curiosity. http://privatesculpture.co.uk/gallery7.html >> Fun at the creationist museum << Last week we ran a Creationist image challenge, and we even poked a personal friend of Richard Dawkins to ask him to judge the challenge. Sadly the emails went unanswered, but instead why not get your web kicks from ogling the exhibits at a real-life 'God invented dinosaurs' museum. Although we use the word 'museum' loosely - a more accurate phrase would be 'bunkum'. http://snipr.com/christ_on_a_bike ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cute kittens playing in a box One day science will stop wasting its time attempting to find the cure for cancer and concentrate on the important stuff. How can we genetically engineer cats to stay cute and kittenish until the end of their days? The number of cats we've had to dump on the motorway... http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Prediction: Web video is going to big next year >> Handy work << Did anyone catch that 'hands' advert Guinness recently ran? Didn't entertain us much at B3ta towers, but the industry magazines went mental for it. Here's how hand-based-video SHOULD be done. BTW: The intro is crap, gets entertaining when the lyrics start. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Harder_Better_Faster_Str... >> If TV show Jericho was real << Have have to admire these Czech pranksters that managed to cut a ballooning mushroom cloud into some rolling footage on a news channel. This is a jape of Orson Welles/War of the Worlds proportions. http://youtube.com/watch >> Rail spin << Blokey in our office says to us, "Have you seen the Norwegian kids? They're mucking about with a railway line?" "Nooo!", we reply, "We don't want to see any kids get killed!" http://www.b3ta.com/links/Norwegian_Kids_playing_o... >> Tortoise V Cat - Tortoise wins << When we're stuck for a write-up we search our brains for random facts WITHOUT checking Wikipedia. So here goes: * Blue Peter once had a pet tortoise that died in hibernation and they replaced without telling the TV-viewing public. * A tortoise shell would make an ideal battle hat for a rabbit. * It's probably possible to arrange several tortoises of different sizes to make nature's own steel drums. You see? Who needs research! http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Pork for kids DandyLion writes, "For the love of all that is good and pure - you simply must alert the world to the evils of the 'National Pork Board' - which, as well as calling its website Pork4Kids, includes such features as 'Pork Show And Tell' and carries links to 'NichePork.org'." http://www.pork4kids.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : T-SHIRT OF THE WEEK Jesus nurses a baby dinosaur Props to Monty Propps for designing our lovely new t-shirt. The image has been all over the web this week, on boingboing, reaching number 2 on reddit, and also appearing in a UK broadsheet. http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Creationism Challenge Last week we wanted you to explain the battle between creationism and evolution. You got biblical on our ass. Your favourites included: * ADAM & EVE - And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman. And man rejoiced. (grey kid) * MICROSOFT WORLD - If God had been repeatedly interrupted by that annoying bloody paperclip, he'd never have got to day seven (mutster101) * PROGRESS - Basically, we fucked up (the Neville) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/creationism/ >> New challenge: Computer Errors << This week's challenge needs no real explanation: what if computer errors told the truth? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/computer_errors/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SICK JOKE BOOK RADIO - having sold approximately 12 billion copies of the book, your Ginger Fuhrer has retired to a life of lighting cigars with £50 notes and occasionally appearing in the media. Including this BBC Radio 4 documentary on the history of joke books broadcasting this Saturday morning at 10:30am. Presumably, after that you'll be able to 'listen again' if you've got Real Player installed. http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/history/pip/usuxq/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Flute hero! You know those Playstation games where get to live our your dreams of widdling a sonic-axe like Eddie Van Halen? Hats off to the genius who thought it would be a good idea to apply the format to playing the bloody flute. BTW: We just considered using the word flautist and found this amusing note from Wikipedia, 'James Galway summed up the way many players of the flute feel about "flautist", saying, "I am a flute player, not a flautist. I don't have a flaut, and I've never flauted."' http://www.dr.dk/spil/floejtehero/popup/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PISS-TIME CHALLENGE - J-Rod writes, "Ever took a long piss the morning after a long night at the pub. Sometimes it feels like you're in front of the toilet for a solid couple of minutes. Film your whizzes (showing genitalia not necessary) and compete for the world record." * SELLOTAPE JAPES - Mictoboy commands, "Stick sellotape to your front door, and unwind it on your commute to work see if your journey is longer than a whole reel." * TESCO FAKES - Mighty Nibus suggests, "Sneak your own 'products' onto Tesco shelves, complete with barcodes and shelf labels. Record the results." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Front-sex: [email protected] Back-sex: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by matt smith, Tony, collatalliesisters, evil_fairy, lloucksfresno, sesquipedeviant and flake Highest voted joke from sickfuck. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. RARARARARRAA to b4ta. ------------------------------------------------- SICKIPEDIA: What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? Sexy kids. http://www.sickipedia.org/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive