we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SISTER NEWSLETTER OF 'THE RANCID EGG APPRECIATION SOCIETY NEWSLETTER'" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * PISS - What colour is yours? * SHOPPY - Buy our t-shirts, make Pep rich * QUIZZY - Kids' TV themes ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Quiz, texty bollocks and science stuff >> Kids theme tune quiz << Seani has made a quiz to test your knowledge of kids tv themes. However, he's clearly from a different generation to us as we can't recognise any of them. However, it proved to be very popular with the youngtards on our board, so linky time it is. BTW: There's a link to the answers at the bottom of the newsletter. http://junk.design4sale.co.uk/themes.htm >> Condensed films << Scaryduck (famed for his one winning an award from The Guardian for having the blog with the best spelling), has been watching shite films so you don't have to. Funny on Pretty Woman. http://scaryduck.blogspot.com/search/label/Condens... >> Does beetroot make your piss pink? << Adam writes - "For years I have been searching for an excuse to display my own bodily fluids on the Internet without receiving too much abuse as a consequence. That day arrived recently as I realised the wonderful world of science provided an adequate justification, namely the great wannabe myth-busters-style investigation into the effect of beetroot on urine." http://snipurl.com/stinky_piss_fools >> B3ta T-shirts << Let us tell you something, sorting out t-shirt e-commerce bollocks is a fucking nightmare, make no mistake. Anyway, B3ta's finest ginger sex-babe Denise Wilton has been working her pixelly fingers to the bone to bring you the best t-shirts in the world. What's more? Each one has been blessed by the Pope. Hah - sue us now, you trading standards crab-bastards. http://www2.printshop.co.uk/b3ta.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK And that's all the thanks I got Last week we asked for your stories of being screwed over by people you were doing a favour for: http://b3ta.com/questions/thanksalot/ * FAILED ATTEMPT AT PROMOTION "I complained to maintenance that the wheels on my chair were squeaky. Just now, I tried to pull my chair up to my boss's desk in the usual lazy way - walking it forwards with my feet whilst still sat on it. The supposedly newly-fixed wheels stuck. I did not. I basically pulled my own ass off the chair and landed right at his feet. To add insult to injury, the resulting bump made my boobs fly right out of my neckline, giving him a lovely view of my bra AND clean up my skirt. And what thanks did I get for giving him this visual treat? 'Here's the client number, I want you to research this blah point on blah...'" (rachelswipe) * TIBETAN PULSING "My friend's wife was suffering from depression and started trying new age remedies: yoga, meditation, hugging trees etc. A dreadlocked hippy showed up one day who charged my mate 100 quid to do Tibetan Pulsing on his missus. He paid the hippy, welcomed him into his home and left them alone to do the treatment which consisted of said hippy sticking his fingers up his missus and "pulsing", whatever the fuck that is. Anyway after a few weeks of my friend paying for this hippy to stick his fingers up his wife's muff, the wife ran off to Tibet with the hippy and left my mate to bring up two teenage kids. Moral of the the story, never let a hippy stick his fingers up your wife, even if if does put a smile on her face." (dennisxxxx) * ZORRO IS A LADY? "I spent several months pursuing a very nice bloke with whom I shared a mutual love of French cinema. A common topic of conversation was the amazing film Amelie, and how it'd be totally amazing to fall in love like the two main characters, even if Amelie does seem to be a bit of a stalker. Since Amelie dresses up as Zorro and photographs herself in a photo-booth, with a time and place for the object of her desire to meet her, and having a Zorro costume (naturally) I thought, "what better way of asking him out?" I promptly went down to the local station and whacked my costume on and took the photos. I sent them in the post that day and waited. Two days later, he sent them back. With a very polite note explaining that he didn't fancy meeting me for a drink and actually didn't like the film much anyway. Lovely." (thants) >> This Week's Question << Ever been mistaken for someone else? Mistaken some poor stranger for an old mate? Tell us all about it: http://b3ta.com/questions/mistakenidentity/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Image label guessing game << It's all about google improving the quality of their image search. You're teamed up with an anonymous partner to add tags to a randomly-picked image. You score points for words that you both guess for the same pic. http://images.google.com/imagelabeler/ >> 'Suicide' improv << Truly a ridiculous stunt: a troupe of actors stage a fake suicide stand-off. A troubled businessman stands teetering precariously on a ledge outside his office building while his wife and loved ones plead with him not to jump. Of course, he is only four feet off the ground. http://www.improveverywhere.com/2005/12/10/suicide... >> Help! I'm on a porno cover << Shocking story from a young woman who found a self-portrait she put up on the internet stolen and used as the cover of some dodgy porno DVD. Oh yes and she was 14 at the time. Frightening stuff, although we personally have little to fear in terms of it happening to us. It would have to be pretty specialist stuff. http://www.flickr.com/photos/larajade/513641346/ >> Somethingawful vs Crazy Doll Lady << Running a website means daily dealings with lunatics who threaten to sue. Here's how the now-legendary Lowtax of Somethingawful deals with the issue for his own amusement. It's not just an amusing story - the woman who threatens him makes a living from photoshopping children into freakish half-doll monstrosities. http://snipurl.com/fuck_nugget >> Four-leaf clovers: a finder's guide << Supposedly immensely rare and conveying great good fortune; here are easy-to-follow instructions for locating and picking your own. http://www.instructables.com/id/EFERB9ZF1U9XT6U/ >> Your drawings dancing << Draw a cartoon creation, press the button and he'll jive for your amusement. Simple but good. http://www.myfreeonlinegames.info/games/664/draw-y... >> Anti-drugs horse book << Dating from 1991, this preachy equine-based fable is so shockingly badly-written we initially thought it was a spoof. But no, it's the genuine article. Don't be like Latawnya the naughty horse, stay away from drugs - and drink! http://snipurl.com/drugs_mule >> Bodypopping pipe-cleaner << Run your hands over the keyboard, wobble the mouse about, watch in wonder as the nifty pipe-cleaner dude busts a move. Excellent choice of tunes - dance-floor fillers one and all. http://www.davidbessler.com/pulldown/pipecleaner_d... >> Top 15 Google Streetview sightings << We wondered how long it would take someone to compile the oddities thrown up by Google's megalomaniacal plan to photograph every street in the world ever. The answer is "not long at all". Interesting list, ranging from camera fuckups to people getting caught doing stuff they shouldn't. http://mashable.com/2007/05/31/top-15-google-stree... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO FAAACKKK! * TIGER - About 15 billion people emailed in the Daily Mail photos of a tiger swimming underwater. Not cute, but fuck it, we'll mention it as the biggus cattus looks so damn awesome that our heart has missed a beat. http://snipurl.com/daily_mail_are_nazis * KITTEN / CHICKS - and to return to our normal programming, DIYJoe sent this photo, so delightfully pretty and dainty that we're giving up writing newsletters for pennies and dedicating our lives to nursing baby animals. http://www.blipfoto.com/view.php ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> How fire reacts to sound << The Ruben's tube physics experiment is a tube full of flaming gas with a speaker at one end. As soundwaves pass through the tube, the flames make their wave form visible. The fire starts really dancing when you play music. http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_fire_reacts_to_sound... >> Home shopping blooper << "Look at the horse," insists this pushy host, holding up a huge print of a moth. Funny in just how long he sticks to the script in the face of obvious screw-up. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> MJ Hibbett sings Fresh Prince << Gentle, acoustic cover of the Jazzy Jeff and Will Smith hit of yesteryear. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Boom_Boom_Boom_Shake_the... >> Flaming thingamajig << A return for the Heath Robinson/Rube Goldberg 'incredibly long series of chain reactions' stunt - this time the whole precarious mechanism is based almost entirely on great gouts of hungry flame. Definitely not to be tried at home. http://www.liveleak.com/view >> Berries & cream dance << Deriving from a slightly sinister ad for Starburst - a Little Lord Fauntleroy-alike explains how to dance "like a little lad". Advertising or not it would still be funny to see this catch on. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Funny, as in 'David Baddiel is a comedian' * KID'S KNOBS - always happy to see some internet-based paedo japery. Because raping children is ha-ha-halarious. Just ask the NSPCC for their bloopers tape. http://tinyurl.com/2osl2l * DICK CHOPP - Ben Goldacre of Badscience fame writes, "My extremely delightful ex girlfriend (whose name is Dr Suckling) takes your NICHOLAS N BURNS-COX and raises you Dr Richard Chopp, also a urologist." http://www.urologyteam.com/our-doctors/dr-richard-... * BUMMING - grahamhuman writes, "Aussie gay bar bans straight guys. Loved the name of the club owner, Mr McFeely." BTW: If you reverse his name you get 'Mr Feelmucky' which is also quite good. Sort of. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6697... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Updating Art Challenge Last week we wanted you to steal old works of art from the National Gallery and update them. You went radio-rental. Your favourites included: * MAGRITTE - The brilliant Sheep demonstrates that his 21st Century video trickery would have worked equally well in surrealist Belgium (Sheep) * DA VINCI - Possibly apocalyptic stuff as renaissance Italy meets anthropomorphised Americana (shambla) * CONSTABLE - Another lovely piece of pleasant English countryside ruined by the long march of progress (The Great Architect) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/national_gallery/ >> New challenge: Office Art << Throw away photoshop. This week we want you to make a picture using a spreadsheet, a word processor, or basically anything that's not really meant for making images. Challenge inspired by Mighty Nibus. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/officeart/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BUY A B3TARD A CAR - not going great this project. Bids have reached the stunning total (so far) of £155.01, which frankly wouldn't buy Noddy a toy car. Anyway, maybe it'll all turn out brilliant by the end of the auction. Who knows? http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll * STOOL SAMPLE TRIVIA - piffpuffpickle claims, "Great newsletter this week - just felt I had to comment on the 'Diarrhea' debate, and the link to Wiki you provided. It was myself who originally added the Bristol Stool Scale article to Wiki, and it turned out a person I (now) know at university made the diagram! The reason I did so was because in a B3ta QOTW from years ago about useless facts, someone had posted about said scale. Being the inquisitive person I am, I wanted to find out more but Wiki didn't have the answer! Thus the page was born, all thanks to B3ta!' ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * FLY / MOTORBIKE CAM - Strap a high-speed extreme close-up camera to the wind-shield and film the flies getting splatted. Would look awesome. * CUM TASTE CHALLENGE - Mameleft scribbles, "Diet coke makes your cum taste sweet (all those artificial sweeteners) and coffee makes it taste sour. I wondered what other culinary delights you could make by selectively eating cum altering foods. A b3ta project for the willing?" * PHOTOGRAPH YOUR PET'S COCK - start a Flickr group. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by The Barman, felix_fivethousand, kblackford, desgrippes, Andrea*, Alex, fishyfishyfishyoooh AND smithyta. Top Tippery by cap'nj Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Ripped to the tits on coke as usual, b4ta. (Why these brackets are here is anyone's guess.) How about a sensitive documentary about women dealing with childbirth-damaged vaginas? 'There's no use crying about split milf.' Newsletter title from wheelybird. Looking for answers? http://junk.design4sale.co.uk/answers.htm ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Having trouble catching a spider under a glass? Blow gently on the fellow - this tends to make them retract their legs and remain still in an attempt not to be blown clean away, thus making capture easier. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive