we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IT'S THE TENANTS FRED WEST REJECTS THAT MAKES FRED WEST THE BEST" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Silent Star Wars movie * QUESTION - Worst dinner you've cooked * PUBES - Dye your grey pubes, Mrs Robinson ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Ham, Star Wars, Pilots and Stalkers >> What Have You Done To My Ham? << Veitch screams, "A little song by me and my brother Al, regarding what he has done to my ham." FACT: Joel is 1/4 Jewish and hence is spending his life making up for an ancestral lack of pork in his diet. http://www.rathergood.com/ham/ >> Silent Star Wars << Spartacus_mill has applied the silent film gag to George Lucas's epic toss fest. We were bullied into linking this item as one of our members said, "Best. Thing. Ever. If that doesn't grace the newsletter I might cut my knob off and feed it to my cat." Although, thinking about it, if anyone does fancy feeding their cock to their kitten, then you know who to send the video to. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Star_Wars_Silent >> Talk like a pilot day? << Cowjam is attempting to start a new online cult. Presumably influenced by the now-infamous Talk Like A Pirate Day, he's declared the 19th of May the special day where one should say stuff like, "bandits at 3 o'clock low, tally-ho, tally-ho, tally-ho dive dive dive, eat lead Fritzy." We wish him luck. http://www.talklikeapilot.org/ >> Ginger Fuhrer stalker? << Emvee from our board has been spending his time putting together a comic strip based upon your red-haired leader as a transvestite. Not really what we had in mind when we started B3ta, and Rob is both flattered and scared. http://www.robmanuel.com/2007/05/16/the-adventures... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Work Experience Last week we asked for your first experiences at work, when you were young, innocent and (crucially) gullible: http://b3ta.com/questions/workexperience/ * FRANK AND HIS COMPUTER "Frank ran the big computer on the ground floor. This computer did a lot of things, including the generation of all the fixtures for every team in the Football League... Oh look, someone left it logged on. OK choose '13' Manchester City. -Options 1. Rename. 2.Delete. 3. Replace etc... Ok, erm, '3'. -enter replacement. hmm. 'Plymouth Argyll' I didn't know that the next day was the day they sent it to the FA. I didn't know it wouldn't be noticed until late July, two days before the print deadlines for the notifications that go to the clubs, the TV companies, the police, the caterers, the bloody-well everyone. I didn't know that this had been almost accepted as the final draft until the last minute. I didn't know any of that until I met Frank nearly 20 years later. He still tells the story of the work experience kid who for a few months promoted Plymouth to the First Division and relegated Man City." (I have run out of coke) * MIND JIZZ "I worked in a place that put old cine reels onto DVD for people who couldn't watch them back anymore. My job was to digitally enhance them and do all the fancy stuff with menus and crap. And here's the interesting statistic, 7 times out of 10, the Cine Reels were entirely made up of men in the 70s who'd filmed themselves tossing off. After 8 hours of that, my mind was actually broken and everything was ruined forever. And I was only on three pounds an hour!" (MrGomez) * SUPERMARKET TROLLEY MONKEY "I did evenings at a local supermarket to earn beer money in my student days. They never worked out why I was so keen to go out and scour the wino-haunted multi-storey car park for abandoned trolleys. It was because I found I could stand on the top floor of the car park and watch some bloke in the offices opposite porking the office cleaner over his desk, every night, 6pm, without fail. That guy had some stamina, I can tell you." (Scaryduck) >> This Week's Question << What's the worst food you've ever eaten. Talk to us here once you've cleared your plate: http://b3ta.com/questions/terriblefood/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Bad tattoo << When we were young geeks we briefly considered getting tattoos. Thank God we were too wimpy for it and now don't have a line of space invaders around our right nipple. Anyways, if we ever change our mind, we reckon we've found the perfect artist to bring life to our inky dreams. http://tinyurl.com/3xcu5a >> Real-time Flickr << Want to see a map with every photo popping up as it's uploaded? Hypnotic - this is exactly what it must be like to be God. http://flickrvision.com/ >> Quo illusion << Not only do Status Quo rock, they're also masters of the Ames Room illusion, as beautifully illustrated in this wikipedia page. (We can't help but think Hue and Cry missed a trick not using the Bezold-Brücke shift for their 1987 album, Seduced and Abandoned.) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ames_room >> Irish MP sings song << "John Bracken has to be the greatest MP ever," intones Sauronwibble, "I'd vote for him, I'd name my daughter after him." We were confused as to why, that was until we pressed the Play button and heard the song. Oh the song. http://www.johnbracken.ie/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Google / Youtube axis destroys all in it's path >> Dog play Wii. Wins << Fun short clip of some guy getting beaten by his dog at console tennis. It's surprisingly good for a creature without opposable thumbs. Obviously, what they've actually done is just taped the controller on and wobbled the dog's legs from underneath. Sorry to spoil the magic for you there. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Indian Superman << Last week we ran the Turkish Superman, this week: India. He sings, he dances, he pisses all over the Turkish guy. He also appears to be squiring Spiderwoman round town, the lucky bugger. Wonder if this will become a regular feature: 'Superman of many nations'. A French Superman would be nice to see next week. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Nintendo DS is for Nonces << Straying wildly into Chris Morris territory comes this Fox News report that a seemingly innocent child's toy can allow paedophiles into your home. No joke. That's what they're saying. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Mimey madness << African Americans: dominating the fields of music and sport - and now mime?? http://www.b3ta.com/links/How_to_mime_AIDS ------------------------------------------------- : PHALLUS CORNER Cock-a-hoop! JugglerJAF blurts - "I recently bought a packet of Moon Cheese flavour Hula Hoops (and very nice they were too), but imagine my surprise when I noticed this distinctly phallic design on the back of the packet. And to think, they're selling these to children. Littlejohn should be advised immediately!" http://farm1.static.flickr.com/226/501050903_b2730... ------------------------------------------------- : SIGNS OF THE APOCOLYPSE Pube dye Now you can have sex with someone and they still won't know if you're a natural blonde. At least, that's what we guess the theory is behind this specially formulated minge coloration. Why not just shave it all off? Cheaper... http://www.bettybeauty.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Top Trumps Challenge Last week we wanted you to create new Top Trump games. So you did. Your favourites included: * TESCO VALUE - a long-running B3ta meme finally triumphs in live battle (Doctor When) * CASH MONEY - High Stakes trumps for gamblers with healthy bank balances (Monkeon) * TROMPES - This is probably very clever and captures the cultural zeitgeist, but we don't speak French, so we could be wrong (Smallbrainfield) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/toptrumps/ >> New challenge: New Theme Parks << Everyone loves a theme park, even the North Koreans. So let's build some new theme parks and invent the rides contained therein, using just our imaginations. Challenge suggested by The Great Architect, The Rabid Ferret of Doom and squiggy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/theme_parks/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TOP-TIP REFUTED - last week we accidentally propagated an urban myth on how to avoid points on your driving licence. Internet spoilsports Snopes have the real skinny. http://www.snopes.com/autos/law/ticket.asp * ALTHOUGH HAVING SAID THAT - Flickr_Freak informs, "Here's a method that works in Ireland: If you receive a traffic fine, refuse to pay and get summoned to court. On the day of the court appearance, don't walk in until the very last minute. You'll be handed a ticket with a number on it. By 10am, it's likely a three digit number. A court official comes out and announces 'Ladies and gentlemen - the court is very busy today, we can only hear cases 1 - 40. If you are holding any other ticket, please hand it in with your summons to the clerk: you have been cleared and are free to go'". * THIS WEEK'S HATE MAIL - "Your website is disgusting. You people are nauseating. You want to come over as the big-joker with names like "Ginger Fuhrer" and jokes about Serial Killers, bodily functions, perversions, but really you're are all very sad men. Your childish sick jokes may fool some but not me. You all have an unhealthy and morbid fascination with EVIL because you are all SECRETLY EVIL, yet seek catharsis for this evil by joking about it in front of your friends. Obviously you also only have internet friends. I expect people as twisted as you are few and far between and don't like leaving your parents house. So you have to use the internet. To sum up - I hate you and I want you to know that I hate you." We liked this rant so much that we've stuck this on our board for you to comment on. http://www.b3ta.com/board/7200387 * MORE TOP TIP COMPLAINTS - Phix moans, "About checking if your TV remote is working. I found that the best way is to point it at your TV and push a button. But I'm just a simple kind of bloke." Bollocks to you all - it's actually a useful tip: there can be two points of fail - the box and the remote. Recently we used it to check that the remote was working on a new DVD player - turned out the remote was fine and there was almost invisible sticky plastic covering the sensor on the box. So there. Anyway, if you think our tips are so crap then add some better ones to our special tippy page. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ * BAT OUT OF HELL - last week we asked you to make a 80s style computer game in tribute to Meat Loaf. George Gardiner complied, also says, "last one to hack the highscores table is a rotten egg." So that's your challenge - he's actually asking you to fuck with his scores. Go on then. http://www.drinkorswim.org/bat.htm ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Invisible Cursor There's something incredibly disconcerting about having your mouse pointer suddenly made invisible - it's like your hand going to sleep and unexpectedly poking you in the eye. This clay pigeon shoot-style game gives you a couple of free shots and then rapidly becomes a hectic test of spatial awareness as the cursor vanishes. http://tinyurl.com/2jywy5 ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * DRUM MACHINE 'PIMP'SOLES - fix 2 pressure sensors each trainer, tippy toes for hi-hat, heel for kick. Dance out some tricked up beats. (Actually, this is what we day-dreamed up whilst watching the 'market a trainer' challenge on The Apprentice last week.) * TOP TIPS - can you lot add real tips to our lovely tip page rather than Viz-style stuff? There's a love. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ * USB CHARGER - a device that actually supplies power to your laptop etc instead of draining it. I.e. ie. a universal charger. It sucks that every electronic device has a different power plug. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tony Howat, milesperhour Top Tippery by M o D. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Hooray for b4ta. BTW: Why is diarrhea called diarrhea? Because it gives you a dire rear. Yes we know this is a rubbish joke, but we thought it up all by ourselves on the train. Go us! ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Knackered CD? Polish out scratches with T-cut or some other car polish type stuff. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive