we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TEH TIMES LITTERARRY SUPPLEMENT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HORSES - Date them online * SONG - Use my arsehole as a cunt * STUFF - Yes, newsletter features stuff shock ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We like speaking to marketing people, you give us the horn. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Crisps, Hun and Strangling >> Crisp-maker review << In olden times your Ginger Fuhrer once attempted to make crisps by slicing a potato and placing it in a microwave for ten minutes. It produced acrid grey smoke that almost blinded him. How odd that a similar product is in the shops and B3tard Ashen is there to review it. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crisp_Maker_Review >> Veitch rocks out << Joel barks, "For God knows how many years, I have been wanting to get a German rock band going. My dream has finally become a reality. Laydeez and Gentlemen, I present Tygörz, with their debut number, Supercool Winkytool." Possibly most notable for Joel's full chest tattoo... http://www.tygorz.com/supercool-winkytool/ >> Throttling cartoons << "There is no sight finer than a man throttling another man, except for maybe an ape throttling a man, or a woman throttling her child," claims DNG. Although his collection looks more like the work of a strangulation pervert than comic book geek. http://www.throttling.us ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK We have to talk Last week we wanted to hear about the dreaded conversations that start "we have to talk". We're still wondering about poor 'tero' who posted a live, blow by blow account of his being dumped last weekend: http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/ * IT'S GOOD FOR THE HAIR "I bumped into the subject of this in Tesco's last night by the spuds and we can actually speak to each other now - how adult we are. I'd been seeing this guy, Andy, for some time, but in the meantime one of my mates had fixed me up with this long-haired guy with a cute ass (just my type!) so I had to do the old We Have To Talk conversation with poor old Andy. So we met up, me feeling really sorry for the guy and also terribly guilty, bought the drinks and we had the inevitable conversation. Andy says "NJ, can we please go outside? I need some fresh air". Methinks the guy's going to cry so I do the decent thing and follow him into the pub garden... where the B*stard pours his full pint of Murphys over my head! That's right, the pint I just crapping well bought for him! I swung for him, but sadly missed, while he went running off down the street laughing at me. I'm doing it over the telephone next time." (NJ) * MAN TALK FOR MANLY MEN "My Dad and I never really had the father-son talks. When I first started having sex, and my mother decided that we should have 'the talk' it went something like this: Dad: Son... MrTeapot: Dad, I know what your going to say. Can we pretend like we've already discussed this? Dad: Works for me." (MrTeapot) * HONEY, I NEED TO TALK, BUT HAVE NO BALLS "I am sorry but I have had enough. I have heard everything you will ever have to say and I am bored to fucking tears by the same old drivel you spout every single time I see you. I find you irritating, boring, stuck up, joyless, wimpy, unadventurous, repetitive, possessive, unimaginative and crap in bed. I would like to say, 'let's stay friends,' but it would be a complete lie, I couldn't even tolerate your faults when we were sleeping together. Have a nice life. Please never call me again. Minty." ** Now can someone please e-mail this to her? I'm too scared ** (Minty Hit) >> This Week's Question << B3tard 'Sammi Evil Nice' provides this week's query, "What have you done to teach somebody a lesson?": http://b3ta.com/questions/thattaughtem/ ------------------------------------------------- : SPONSORED LINK Lovely, lovely t-shirts Get James Blunt's look with a Dirty Sanchez T Shirt. Maybe like James you'll attract Petra Nemcova and Paris Hilton! Get 10% off yours with discount code 'alpha'. Ends May 5. http://www.discoo.co.uk/mainpage_men.php ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Dating agency for horses << Deagostini once sang, "I love horses, best of all the animals." and if you really love your horse you might want to fix them up with a stud. http://www.stallions4mares.co.uk >> Taxidermy: Squirrel in a car << Looking for a dead animal to liven up your squalid boudoir? This novelty tree-rat in a radio-controlled dune buggy is apparently in "perfect working order" although that's probably more referring to the car than its furry occupant. http://snipurl.com/ebay_squirrel_taxi >> Google New York to Paris << We're finally giving in and running these excellent Google Maps directions from NY to the capital of France. You may find Point 24 of particular interest. It's funny, but the real reason we stuck it in? So that people will stop sending it to us. There. We did it - are you happy now? http://snipurl.com/googlemaps_cliche >> The Right Number << The word 'webcomic' usually makes us reach for our revolver, but this is an excellent story by the legendary Scott McCloud. A man believes he has found the secret equation underlying the dating scene. http://www.scottmccloud.com/comics2/trn/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sea cow "Helloes," helloes Carmen, "Something sweet for the Things that make you go Aaaah section; manatee mother and child. Never thought sea cows could be so darn cute." http://www.floridasprings.org/anatomy/life/assets/... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Sub-headlines are for nonces >> Use my arsehole as a cunt << Lovely, lovely song, linked here in respect to the fantastic chorus, "Go on then, just this once, use my arsehole as a cunt." Some bloke sitting next to us has just proclaimed it as "the best thing I've seen this week." http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Wanking walrus << If you listen closely, you can hear the zoo lady saying, "He is a male walrus." Frankly, we had figured that much out for ourselves. We couldn't quite tell which end we were looking at, but he's definitely male. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Freaky jeans ad << Pulled from TV about ten years ago, this Calvin Klein ad campaign where an offscreen adult questions a series of pretty young boys and girls is more disturbing than titillating. They were presumably going for a sleazy atmosphere but were waaaay too successful. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Turtle shags wok << Some sort of ad here, aimed at the potentially massive market represented by people who love both Asian cuisine and the taste of turtle spunk. Yum. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cat spanking << More proof, as if any were needed, that cats are dirty little pervs. This one appears to have picked up a taste for light S&M and mews for it repeatedly. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Gaylord the toy dog << Like a 1950s version of Aibo, he walks, he climbs, he, er, walks again. But more importantly, they named him Gaylord. Heh. Genius. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Ha-ha-halarious as brain throat cancer * DOGGY STYLE GROOMING - "A uni-pet salon in Harlow. Would you really trust these people with your pets?" (Plastic Goldfish) http://www.doggiestylegrooming.co.uk * EMO OIL - "Saw one of these trucks on the A40 this morning", laments john_speakman, "and it made me feel sad." http://www.emooil.com/ * PHIL McAVEETY - you might have to say this out loud to be amused. Phil has "both agency and client-side experience", and we stick this in quotes to imply an innuendo that isn't actually there. (KEEF) http://snipurl.com/say_it_out_loud ------------------------------------------------- : VANDALISM SPOT Road signs Terry Nutkins confesses - "I spent years driving to work, stuck in traffic jams and this road sign sits opposite me every morning at a junction outside my office. I've always thought how easy it would be to turn the word 'GOAT' into the word 'CUNT'" http://farm1.static.flickr.com/181/469627727_6e633... Have you graffitied something in an amusing way recently? Snappy snap with your camera and get clucking to the B3tards. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : INJOKES FOR B3TARDS We're not going to explain this stuff * GLASS COCK - Mistress Sp@m notes, "I thought you might like this picture of a stained glass door at the vic and commercial pub in Leeds." http://www.flickr.com/photos/yosammitysam/46819941... * B3TA DIBBLE - "I saw this police car at Liverpool Street station earlier," snorts Peacocke, "Thought you might like it." http://www.b3tards.com/u/805e6eca91f4d2a9e4a3/b3ta... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the 9/11 Conspiracies Challenge Last week we wanted the most far-fetched, crackpot theories about what really happened on 9/11. Your favourites included: * STAR WARS - We can only assume the 9/11 prequels will be rubbish. (Surgeon with Parkinsons) * B3TA - It was all our fault apparently. (rocketship) * GUY GOMA - What happens when you let the BBC hire your staff. (P3te) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/ >> New challenge: Action Figure History << You can buy an action figure of just about anyone these days, but how many really deserve it? We want to see figures from history that should be immortalised as an action figure. http://b3ta.com/challenge/actiofigures/ ------------------------------------------------- : THAT RAGE VIRUS BOLLOCKS IN FULL Graffiti promoting a new film included a URL that the ad agency forgot to register. Or had they? We linked it last week, and reader Mark Laughlin got in touch and gave us the real story. "It was me that registered it and, yes, that really was a complete balls-up on the part of the ad agency. "I saw the stencils last Friday just off Tottenham Court Road whilst on me lunch. Got back and tried the URL - and good lord it was unregistered. So 8 quid later and 20 minutes of pissing about I've got a site up and running and started my game of 'wait and see'. "They spent the earlier part of this week getting narky with me and generally panicking before offering to buy the domain for the same price I bought it for... After the word spread across the internets on Friday they got rather more desperate and way keener to settle it quickly. "I could have been a brat and held out for a lot more, but I elected to take the quick win before inevitably Fox and the bigger guns got involved. "I'm not telling how much they wound up having to pay me. It's almost certainly less than you think. Let's say - enough for a nice holiday or a shiny new telly (and considerably more than the £8.99 I paid for it) "PS. Ad agency in question was "The Creative Partnership'" So there you have it. Unless, you know, he's a marketing agency plant. ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CUTE BEARS - We asked why it is that bears, most fearsome of carnivores, should be made into soft toys. Todd the Groincrusher knows; "It's because Theodore 'Teddy' Roosevelt enjoyed bear-hunting but refused to shoot the baby ones. Sensing an opportunity, toy-makers began making cuddly bear cubs and selling them as 'Teddy's bears'." To be honest, we did know that but felt this would be a great chance to slip in some sort of topical Ted Heath joke. Ah yes. * THE 911 IMAGE CHALLENGE "is a disgrace. Will not be visiting this site anymore," says a more-disappointed-than-angry coo_apv. Aww. * BOOZE INDEX NOT DEFINITIVE - This is because the original study failed to take into account the rate of alcohol absorption (ie. how efficiently it can get you pissed). Best concentration? Between 10% and 30%. "concentrations higher than 30% tend to irritate the mucous membranes of the gastrointestinal tract and the pyloric sphincter, causing increased secretion of mucous and delayed gastric emptying," elaborates sittingduck. So remember to take some tonic water or orange juice with you when you're swigging vodka outside Camden Tube. * SLO-MO CUMSHOTS! "I found another you-tube rip-off," trills Vaginal Discharge. "As opposed to a social network of people making videos and share hobbies and interests. xtube.com is a social network of people recording themselves jacking off and posting online for others to watch and comment on. Needless to say there were guys who uploaded videos of themselves with 100000fps cams recording their moneyshots and complimenting each other on a 'Job well done'." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Guess my age Continuing the techniques of hotornot, rapemykitten and famousr, we've been enjoying this 'guess the age' game. Being clever sods, we're very good at it. http://www.guessmyage.net/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BIG GRAFFITI - weefolk mentions, "If anyone's around Whipsnade Zoo way, it looks very much as though someone's 'edited' the giant white lion on the hillside to include, er, a giant white lion cock that can be seen for miles around." Cab anyone get a photo, or maybe do better? Maybe add some spunk to Cerne Abbas Giant? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cerne_Abbas_Giant * A HANDBAAAAAAAAAAAAG REMIX - SickRik requests, "somebody with talent has to make a dance version of this, but not me because I'm shit." http://www.b3ta.com/links/A_HANBAAAAAAAAGGGG Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by CQ (x2!), hahn, slippydisco, gt2k1uk, mrtinybrain, startup, kim, daytripper and Ben Goldacre Top Tippery by phix. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta - first post was 'bigs dog cock' of course. Mad props to ludovic for the heroes reference and saying, "I believe you will save the web, one day... thanks for the way you look at web and life." Anyway, we've got AIDS, please paypal us some money. Subject line by etc, see others here: http://www.b3ta.com/board/7134202 ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: When you're roasting chicken drumsticks, cut all the way through the tendons around the skinny end of the bone. The meat shrinks down to the other end, giving you a sort of meaty lollipop. Yum. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive