we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "SEE YOU LATER MASTURBATOR - IN A WHILE PAEDOPHILE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Dog shags cat * WEEBL - New toon * MATHS - Wanking addiction measured in kittens ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Buying sponsorship on B3ta makes you look big and clever. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : JOHNNY MORRIS'S ANIMAL MAGIC B3ta stylee, of course >> Rico loves Jefferson << A tale of forbidden love, to rival Romeo and Juliet. Well, okay, just a quick vid of a very randy dog and a cat who doesn't seem entirely displeased with the attention. The little perv. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Milking an elephant << 'Milking' is a euphemism, of course, for giving it a wank. Our childhood dreams of being a zookeeper lie in tatters thanks to this footage of a jolly German enthusiastically stimulating the lucky pachyderm's prostate. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Sex doll for dogs << Possibly the only product we can think of where the sex they're selling you is canine. Yup lots of pics of this strangely abstract doggy 'marital aid' in the throes of passion with a variety of terriers, poodles and other lapdogs. http://snipurl.com/real_doll_for_dogs >> Pigs that want to be eaten << We've all spotted those strange almost outsider art that adorns independent butchers - pigs pulling sausages out of their bellies asking to be eaten. Here's a fine collection of similar nonsense. http://suicidefood.blogspot.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Jonti and boozes >> New Jonti toon << First Jonti created Weebl, then the one with the insanity prawn that lived on the moon, and now? He's only gone and created a brand new series. We've quizzed him on where it goes next, and he promises us that he has "a vague plan mapped out." Should be good. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/Parsley+Boobs+ep... >> Best-value alcohol ever << Last week we asked you to visit an off licence and do some clever maths to work out the best alcohol / volume / cash ratio. el_grimley writes, "My mate Jim made this a while back. Which shows tramps and chavvy teenagers get it right every time. He's getting married soon too so if you include him in the newsletter, can you wish him well." http://www.foodfight.org.uk/other/images/trampinde... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Please Sleep With Me Last week we wanted to know how far you'd gone to get a shag off your object of desire: http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/ * NOT TRYING "Years ago I was sitting in a pub with my mate Derek. We were playing a game whereby you shake all your change up, then stack it and try to guess whether the next one down is heads or tails. As we were playing, Derek noticed a rather fetching girl watching. "Hello," he said. "Hello," she replied, "what are you doing?" "We're playing a game where you try to guess whether the next one down is heads or tails. If you're right, you keep the coin and go again... and so on until the stack is done. Whoever has the most coins wins and the loser has to buy the round of drinks." "That sounds like fun," she said. "Do you wanna go?" he asked. "Um.. OK," she said, picking up her bag and jacket and walking to the door. Derek sat there for about five seconds before he realised she'd heard "do you want to go" instead of "do you want a go". He shrugged, drained his beer, then walked out the door with her. And yes, apparently she was an excellent shag. He STILL has no explanation for this utterly random act of good fortune." (difficultchild) * TRYING TOO HARD "God there's some shameful stuff when I think about it... How about the time I drove someone from Brum to Oxford without my glasses on at two in the morning so she could return her satnav to a friend? Result: shag. Or the time I took a friend to a swingers party only to watch her get ganged by six coloured gentlemen? Result: not a sausage. "Oh God, I've always wanted to see two guys together", she says... Result: two shags and a sore bum. I'm not even bi. In my defence, she was very very hot." (Brother_Will) * DEBORAH TURNBULL "At school I walked around all day with my trousers tucked into my socks to impress Deborah Turnbull. I was 14. My teacher called me an 'imbecile' and Deborah didn't speak to me for the next two years. I ride a bike to work now and occasionally arrive with trousers tucked in. Just the other day, a secretary bared her breasts at me and beckoned me into the stationery cupboard for a blow job with loads of tongue action. So fuck you, Deborah Turnbull. Actually, that last bit's not true." (frankspencer) >> This Week's Question << "We have to talk". Nothing good has ever followed these words. Tell us all about it here: http://b3ta.com/questions/wehavetotalk/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Cock-up is the new advertising? << Readers have spotted graffiti to promote a new film and, on checking the URL, it appears the agency has forgot to register it. Or have they? It would be a brave campaign to pretend this was the case, and certainly very effective at getting your marketing message out. http://www.ragevirus.com/ >> Russian Cakes << What's that famous anecdote? 'Nasa spent $10m developing a pen that would write in zero gravity, the Russians used a pencil.' And the Ruskies bring a similar level of ingenuity to their cake making, and as they say in the former communist republic, 'naughty but niceski.' http://englishrussia.com/ >> Mathsturbation vs kittens << The pre-Youtube generation will remember the days when 'internet funny' meant your dick-head mate sending you a photo of a skipping cat entitled, 'every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.' But have you ever wondered about the maths of that? http://snipurl.com/wanking_vs_cats >> Preston is a cock dribble << Overseas readers will neither know or care who Preston is, but here goes, he's a cocky little gobshite who once appeared on Big Brother and has stuck out a couple of records. The talk page on Wikipedia details UK's antipathy to the diminutive twerp quite effectively. http://snipurl.com/wikipedia_Preston >> How do mouse pointers work? << Nice Japanese viral featuring lots of men holding up a MASSIVE mouse. No idea what it's promoting, probably sushi or school girls' knickers. http://www.1-click.jp/ >> Second-hand car: Confidential << "I've just finished some fascinating reading about a reporter who worked undercover for two car dealerships. Enjoy!" writes Grampa. Indeed, it's a great story that kept us reading for blimming yonks. http://snipurl.com/all_salesmen_r_cunts ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH World's smallest teddy bear We've never understood why of all animals, that a bear would be picked as a suitable toy for children, being as they are beastly, fearsome things. Still, when they are little they are terribly cute. http://www.baraskit.se/random/archive/10/teddy_bea... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Viddies for kiddies, fliddies and biddies >> Jack Black is Computer Man << An unlikely mishap brings a bloke's PC to life... as Jack Black in a particularly low-budget costume. Actually, a lot of the charm is that it just looks like a couple of mates mucking about with a video camera. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Computer_Man >> 90's rock kid video diary << Blast from the past with Midlands-based thrash metalhead Chris Needham wandering the streets of Loughborough with his best mate on camera and little brother in tow. He's a very droll man - and check out the hair! http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The Fonz meets paedophilia << A stomach-wrenchingly awkward and embarrassing spectacle ensues as a variety of American TV celebrities attempt sex education in song form. We didn't even manage to sit through the whole thing. Possibly NSFW, if your boss isn't keen on words like 'vulva'. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Very early South Park << Again harking back to 1992, and what a golden TV year that clearly was, a very very early South Park. Weirdly, it looks a bit like a shit version of Snoopy. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rita and Sue in 6 Minutes Too << Very quick dance remix of a Bradford-based 80s drama about an affair between two schoolgirls and a married man. Lots of quotes, awkward car-based sex and giggling. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rita_and_sue_in_6_minute... >> Kid breaks glass with head << You'd think it was obviously a bad idea to try to smash a massive pane of glass with your head but this boy does it several times until he succeeds. If you can call that 'success'. Supposedly, the guy holding the camera and encouraging him is his dad, which is rather alarming. http://b3ta.com/links/80945#post80945 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Triple-way randy / cock / vag action * COCKCHAFER - possibly the best named Beetle ever. Bonus fact: like horse, considered a delicacy by The French. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cockchafer * CHIEF RANDY PERSON - ok, the Randy joke has been done many-a-time, but seldom so well. http://www.ci.xenia.oh.us/police/default.htm * DICK KUNTZ - our BBC correspondent Scaryduck writes, "There is, of course, nothing funny about American University shootings this week. Apart from a guy called Dick Kuntz, of course. Dick. Kuntz." http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-65... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Self-Help Challenge Last week we wanted you to imagine self-help books for kids. Your favourites included: * SUESS - A beginner's guide to green eggs and Nigerian scams (WillF) * PORN - Introduce your children to the unfettered joys of surfing for smut (Doctor When) * WANK - It's not all bad, honest. Teach kids the truth about the rich pleasures of cock-handling (Redbull_(UK)) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/ >> New challenge: 9/11 Conspiracies << Imagine you're a crackpot conspiracy theorist. You must have some far-fetched opinion of what really happened on 9/11. Please share it with us using Photoshop's black magic. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/conspiracies/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CHEAP BOOZE CHALLENGE - continuing the earlier theme bobby_onions writes, "I used to teach C and C++ to HND students. They never found it interesting until I set them an exercise to write a program that worked out the best value alcoholic drink. Results (at the time) were that SHERRY was the best value, then cider, then spirits. Things have probably changed now but I can assure you there were some newly-formed sherry drinkers roaming the streets of Coventry for a while." * LOTTERY PLAN REFUTED - last week we asked if all 13 million (yeah right) B3ta readers bought a lottery ticket covering all the numbers, could be make more money than we put in? Many of you wrote in to say it was a dreadful idea. including Ian who wrote, "As Sartre said, Hell is other people. The flaw in the lottery plan is other people too. Other people getting the right numbers, dividing the jackpot, and reducing your take to less than your investment. God I wish I was funny." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Clicky round thing In a parallel universe Underworld are currently singing, "clicky clicky round thing, clicky clicky round thing", as we've entitled this rather woosome little challenge. It's a frustrating little fucker. http://www.k2xl.com/games/boomshine/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * ROTTEN ART - LOLerskates writes, "If you place a slice of bologna on the hood of someone's car on a sunny day, it'll eat the paint off in a nice, neat circle. It's always fun to make holes in the shape of eyes and a smiley face, though, so your victim will smile every time he sees the big patch of missing paint on his car." We'd like to see evidence please. * SLOW-MOTION CUM SHOTS - borrow one of those 1000FPS cameras and film our own (if you're a bloke) ejaculation. * DIAMOND TIPPED RAZOR BLADES - that always stay sharp and never need replacing. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by fse357, social hand grenade, GlazedEye, h0ly_j0e, dr_zoidberg, and Parmesan. Top Tippery by setimret. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Subject line honours go to Roland E O'Dorant. And the question on everyone's lips, just who is B4ta? ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Apples are the best cure for coffee breath. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive