we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "IF SHE TELLS YOU HER AGE AND USES A FRACTION. SHE'S TOO YOUNG." next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HITLER - He's back and he's dancing * TONY BLAIR - Milk obsessed pervert * FAMOUSR - Who's more famous? ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Hitler, Blair, Jamie Oliver and A Giant Slingshot >> Disco Hitler << Perhaps it's the late German Fuhrer's over-dramatic oratorical mannerisms that make baldnobby's Gloria Gaynor mix work oh-so well. There's something just so camp about Nazis. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Disco_Hitler >> Tony Blair - a life << "Continuing my series of 'Tom Conti Presents...'," booms the stentorian ccc. "Ladies & gentlemen, I give you - Tony Blair." Deeply, oddly breast-fixated biography of the UK PM. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tony_Blair_a_life >> "Jamie Oliver spikes kids' food" << This documentary footage shows you just what what he's been up to. Eh, okay, it's all some rejigged stuff from his TV show along with some nicely mashed-up ads from Rusty Shackleford. The Toploader backing track is a nice detail for the discerning Jamie Oliver hater. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Junt_co_uk_TV_part_2 >> Giant slingshot fun! << "We had a nearly-dead CRT monitor, a giant slingshot, and some ripe fruit," begins Tom Scott. "The ensuing plan didn't take too much imagination to come up with." What's amazing is the state the monitor is in by the end. Try doing that with one of your fancy schmancy LCDs... http://www.thomasscott.net/slingshot/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Flat mates from Hell 2 Last week we wanted more of your flat mates from hell stories: http://b3ta.com/questions/housematesfromhell/ * WHERE NEXT WITH THE POO? Mike had a habit I discovered after a night of heavy drinking. I woke up, went to the toilet and found a turd sitting right by the loo. The dirty bastard had missed the toilet with the biggest dump I'd ever seen, but seeing as he was a good friend and had been very drunk I let it slide. Then I went into the kitchen to find a poo on the table. But, when Mike gets up he is very apologetic and cleans up very thoroughly. "Ah, he's not so bad," I say to myself as I get a Pringle. Wait. These Pringles feel oddly soft. And squishy. And- "Oh my God!! You shat in the Pringles tube you utter fuck!!" I withdrew my hand which was now covered in poo and ran to the toilet where I threw up twice and then showered for an hour. Sadly the pooing didn't stop there, and in the oddest places, including the couch, the top of the television, under the welcome mat, at the foot of my bed, and, most bizarrely of all, in the oven. Eventually I kicked him out, but scarily am still very good friends with him." (Paedosmile) * GREMLINS "My friend's housemate had a taste for Class A's. They go out leaving him on his own, returning to find the house trashed, everything everywhere. They find him in his room sat curled up in front of his cupboard which is all taped up. Asked if he is OK, he replies that he was feeling real down so he took a load of drugs and trashed the place. Then he went for a walk and the gremlins wouldn't leave him alone. My mates were like, "Look, there are no gremlins....". He was prepared for this and replied, "I knew you wouldn't believe me so I caught one and locked it in the cupboard" They opened the cupboard and out popped a little Down's Syndrome child." (Jetpac) * PHOTO ENTRY Sometimes, no more explanation is needed... "You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Garbage Truck": http://snipurl.com/thishigh >> This Week's Question << Alexxx asks "How far have you gone to get someone to sleep with you? - a mate spent the best part of a thousand pounds ruining a colleague's day so he could comfort her afterwards, only to have her boyfriend propose to her." So, how far have you gone? http://b3ta.com/questions/pleasesleepwithme/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Random ytmnd generator << Regular readers will know about YTMND, a site where users upload pics and music for hopefully amusing juxtaposition. So what would happen if the visuals and audio was randomised? Click to find out. http://random.ytmnd.com/random.html >> Hamster-powered paper shredder << When the apocalypse comes and electricity turns to dust how are office workers going to shred their paper? Thankfully, Art has the answer. BTW: Does anybody fancy building a vibrator powered by wasps? http://www.tomballhatchet.com/hamstershredder.html >> Goatse advertising << The exponential memetic rise of goatse continues with this fantastic billboard advertisement for some job listings website. Props to the creative team that managed to push this idea through. http://snipurl.com/goatsead >> Heroes << Probably old news to many of our readers, but the best thing on TV at the moment is Heroes. A US drama fantasy production following the intertwining lives of people blessed with super powers. We've all 18 (so far) episodes via the magic of torrents, but it's coming to BBC Two in June 2007. Linky goes to a rather fantastic wiki site that details all the strange theories that fans have postulated. Not something you should read before watching the show, as it's spoiler-city. http://heroeswiki.com/ >> Briefly amusing graffiti << Vandalism might suck when it's teenage kids kicking down your back-garden fence to get their ball back, but when it's actually funny then we're happy to have double standards. *shakes fist at pesky next-door kids* http://snipurl.com/maybe_you_will_laugh ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Cat takes bus "I am sure you have seen this, being that you live in England and all," mews Zonga, "and are on the pulse of all things AWWW, but if you haven't, you must." Yep, this 'kitten takes public transport' story was all over the UK papers a few days ago, but maybe some of our readers in Korea might have missed it. (Hope it doesn't make them feel hungry.) http://snipurl.com/1fvy2 ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO The usual U2ube bollocks >> USB shoe << Fancy footwear that just plugs into your computer and moves according to your commands. Sounds like a winner to us - anything to keep ahead in the knife-edge world of high-stakes DDR we operate in. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Lunatic anti theft device << Admittedly, it's maddening to have some smacktard nick off with your motor. But we've all accidentally forgotten to turn off the alarm at some point. Imagine how much worse it would be if this little number slipped your mind before you pulled out of your driveway? http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Two way fun-bumming action * MANGINA - when drunk your Ginger Fuhrer has been known to claim to have invented the word 'mangina' and also 'hobosexual', but we know the truth: mangina is out there: http://www.iwu.edu/~iwunews/sports/mangina.html * N-WORD BROWN - CabbageHunter writes, "You've probably been sent this 1,464,435 times already, but it made me smile like a happy badger." Indeed. When B3ta starts its own range of paints we'll be offering colours such as, "Chinky yellow", "dead baby green" and, to prove we're not racist, "cracker white." http://snipurl.com/nwordbrown ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Advertising Challenge Last week we wanted to you to produce ads that told the truth. Your favourites included: * VISTA - A searing indictment of Microsoft's latest operating system, etc (NobbyNobody) * PC vs MAC - The advert Apple don't want you to see (Doctor Frinkelstein) * UM BONGO - They drink it bloody everywhere, it would seem (St3cks) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/truth_in_advertising... >> New challenge: Self Help Books For Kids << It's not easy being a kid these days - invariably your parents are fighting, drunk, absent, or in prison. So let's design some books to help our children cope with whatever life throws at them. Challenge suggested by TimChuma. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/self-help/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SUBJECT LINE COMPLAINTS - Dandymon moans, "I'm a teacher and have your newsletter rss on my google homepage. Ouch with the 'our inner paedophile fucking your inner kids' popping up in the middle of class, 6inches high on the projector." Sorry Dandymoon, but recently we've been selecting the titles from a competition on the board. Here's this week's one. http://www.b3ta.com/board/7084108 * FUCK OFF DALEK CAKES - a member of the 'Dalek Cakes at Flickr' group has got in touch to point out there's a whole cooking scene going on. Oh you crazy kids. http://www.flickr.com/groups/dalekcakes/pool/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Who's more famous? Fraser of Kittenwar sends us this message on his rivals, "Like Kittenwar, but for celebrity. The streaks and scores are a really nice addition." Kept us entertained for the proverbial five minutes anyway. http://www.famousr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WIN THE LOTTERY - Popidge writes, "A foolproof way to win the Lottery, and make a profit? There are 13,983,816 possible combinations of numbers for The National Lottery Lotto game. Well, why don't we exploit it? Wait until there is a fucking huge rollover, of about £13-14million, then everyone on b3ta pitches in a few quid or more, and we buy every single combination of numbers. Guaranteed, our contributions will drive the prize fund up no end, so we'd end up making a mint, which could then be shared out! Absolutely no possible flaws.. right?" Wait, so we buy 13 million tickets, which cost a pound each, in order to guarantee that we'll win a prize of £13million? Hmm. * HOW TO GET DRUNK FOR LESS THAN £5 - visit your local booze shop with a calculator and work out what's the most alcohol you can buy for a fiver. Make lots of graphs. Fall over. * NEW SAUSAGES - why should they only be made of meat? Mince up eggs and stick them in a plastic sock. Might work. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by purple_gromit, VampireMonkeyOnSpeed, celtic, spaceman_rich and Grampa Top Tippery by Ginger Uhura Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Champagne to b4ta, real pain to our enemies. Waxdart is the man to blame for the subjectline. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Avoid people sitting next to you on the train. maintain eye contact, smile and pat the seat next to you. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive