we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "TRANNY OR GRANNY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUIZ - Granny or Tranny * COOKING - Veitch cooks pigs trotters * VID - Wheatley kills friends mum with brick ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Tranny or Granny << "It's been a while since I've made a quiz," confesses your Ginger Fuhrer, "So I thought I'd treat the B3ta readers to the very stuff that gave this newsletter its first 20,000 subscribers." Warning: Contains loud music and photos of a disturbing nature. http://www2.b3ta.com/bigquiz/trannyorgranny/ >> Never ask Joel Veitch to cook dinner << A while back we went on holiday with Mr Veitch and witnessed his cooking. Pig is his favourite; he eats it for every meal. Even when he cooks chicken, he serves it with a bacon dinner jacket. Witness his long (8 mins) attempt to turn pigs' trotters into soup. BTW: We were disappointed that Joel was cooking the pig trotters rather than doing normal cooking using trotters strapped to his arms. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Brick trick << We haven't heard from Mr Wheatley in a while, and rumour reaches us that he's in the land of TV advertising, directing stuff for Guinness. Apparently he's had some time off, and has been using it to throw bricks at his mate's mum. Nice. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Brick_Trick ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK When were you last really scared? Each week we collect your stories, anecdotes and lies into one handy place on the interweb. Last week we asked about being a big scaredy cat, yellow-bellied, tricky dicky. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/reallyscared/ We could tell you our favourite stories but as it's our newsletter and we can do what the hell we like, we're going to list the Ginger Fuhrer's scariest moments: * "Getting a 5k bill for bandwidth in the early days of B3ta and deleting the email and hoping it would go away, until a bloke turned up in the office attempting to serve a court order." * "About 10 minutes ago and nipping out of the office for a cigarette and a homeless bloke accosting us and telling us that he'd be smoking crack all night and couldn't get a hard on. Then asking us if he could have a "moment alone" with our female co-worker. "Sorry, we've got a meeting", and then he starts banging on the door. Nice." * "When Yahoo deleted the B3ta mailing list, all 150,000 of you and we had no back up." >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to tell us about your picky eating habits. Speak now, with your face stuffed with foods. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/pickyeaters/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The Power of Make up << You want to know a secret? Girls wear make-up and perfume because they are ugly and they stink. Want proof? http://eatliver.com/makeup/#null >> Perverts write for Wikipedia << We love Wikipedia, we do; a night doesn't go by without us reading ourselves to sleep via the greatest repository of human knowledge the world has ever created. However, some of the edges are a little quirky: quite why there's such a detailed section on boot-wearing in films can only be because the web is full of fucking perverts. Sample quote, "Commander Uhura wears a miniskirt and go-go boots variation of the current uniform for a Starbase scene." Huzzah. http://snipurl.com/wiki_boot_perverts >> Got cum? << Wanking over our favourite celebrities is the number two bestest pass-time in B3ta Towers. Currently our toss list includes Lucy Pinder, Lyndsey Lohan and William Shatner. But not ever we would go so far as to print the photos out, spooge over them, and photograph the results for the web to see. Some of the humour comes from the bland copy that accompanies the sputzographs. http://gotcum.blogspot.com/ >> When the world disappears beneath you << Ever wanted the ground to open up and swallow you up? Don't wish too hard, because it might just happen. Impressive photos of a natural disaster. http://www.ordena.com/digg/sinkhole.html >> How steak is made << Meat eaters! To let you into a closely guarded secret that the beef industry keeps close to its chest, your dinner is made of cow. Yes, would you Adam and Eve it? WARNING: Vegan propaganda ahead. http://snipurl.com/wheresthebeef ------------------------------------------------- : RED NOSE DAY (Sponsored link) Red Nose Day ’07 is upon us, a feast of humour, mirth and little films of exceedingly silly dancing by men with stumpy little legs, all in the name of charity. Go on, click... it’ll make you a better person than you currently are. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's like TV, but with compression artifacts >> Beer-launching fridge << We spent, ooh, nearly 3 minutes wondering whether this short video is a viral for Miller beer. Then we thought, fuck it, it's funny and inventive, so who gives a shit? http://fazed.net/video/ >> Soho pimps << "Hello B3ta," spluffs Louise, "I used to write to you loads when I worked on thisisaknife for Channel 4. Now I'm working with Gary Le Strange. A true Eighties throwback, this video, for the song 'Seedy Pimp' was directed by Stewart Lee of 'Jerry Springer - The Opera' fame." We were determined to hate this, but it's pretty good. The lyrics are genuinely funny. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Unreleased South Park (sort of)<< "When Edgar Bronfman Jr gained ownership of Universal Studios he got into some odd marketing campaign practices," lectures Thiswasmyclone, "One of which is this rare, employee orientation video, that enlightened people about how things were going to change under new management. It was commissioned to be written and directed by Matt Stone and Trey Parker (of South Park fame), and it was, and Jr. didn't like it, so they scrapped it." You can see why. http://www.b3ta.com/links/South_Park_sorf_of >> Jonathan King on Youtube << Overseas readers might need a quick primer for one-time TV star Jonathan King: fat, old and with an irritating voice, King bestrode the UK music scene like a pan-media lobster. There were novelty singles, TV shows and he was always there to give an opinionated quote on anything. Then the UK courts locked him up for having sex with underage boys. He believes he's innocent and is now using Youtube to air his grievances in song form. We're not sure that writing a song about kids called, "Satan's Ultimate Weapon Of Mass Destruction" and doing Hitler salutes is going to win him any friends. Still, interesting to see what happens to a famous person once the phone stops ringing. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 'Playstation 3 is shit' video << We'd pay good money to see a reality show on how the marketing people at Sony are handling all the negative press surrounding the launch of their new games console. Stuff like this, a lovely little song complaining about Sony pissing their brand away. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Song_about_the_PS3 ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Stab us in the eye, it's back like herpes "Dear Magic Donkey," neighs anthonysaunders, "As much as I hate the funny name corner of the newsletter I was browsing our uni website and spotted something that the puerile side of me couldn't resist giggling at." http://www.bath.ac.uk/esml/conferences/m-h-i/index... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Punchline Challenge Last week we wanted you to show us the punchlines from jokes. How we laughed. Your favourites included: * THE ITALIAN JOB - Not strictly a joke, but Michael Caine's famous line is realised here with rather vigourous glee (Pedantichrist) * KNOCK KNOCK - This entry cheated the rules by being an entire joke, not just the punchline. But it's a good joke, so we let it pass (Devil Duck:) * PAEDO TEACHER - It's only a matter of time before this tragic misunderstanding happens in real life (Monkeon) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punchlines/ >> New challenge: Black and White << Ebony and ivory, living together in perfect harmony. But what if the song was backwards? Show us a world in which white people are black. Or brown. And vice versa. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/back_and_white/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * ROCKY THE FAMOUS B3TA CAT - sometimes our inbox surprises us, we certainly never expected to receive fan male for the official B3ta cat, and a request for photos. http://www.sophiecat.co.uk/sophiesnewfriends.htm * BENCH PLAQUE SITUATIONALISM - thefoggypoo mouths, "Dearest Ginger Fuhrer, and assorted minions, I write to you with regard to your latest instalment - specifically with regard to your request that people stick up weird brass signs that make no sense. Can I direct you to the following link? It explains about a hoax memorial plaque that was placed on Dublin's O'Connell Bridge." http://snipurl.com/fathernoise ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MAGNO-COCK TV VANDALISM - daleks-legs scribes, "A few months ago I rubbed a magnet over the tv in my room as a result of this whenever something red is on tv, the bit where I rubbed the magnet on changes to magenta. Can someone please go and make a magenta cock in a TV shop like this. But be warned; it's permanent." * KNOBS NOTES - "I've thought of a game," boats thistle, "Draw something on the back of a £5 note (eg. a penis) before you use it and see how long before you get it back or you get one from someone else. I've done 2 cocks on £5 notes so hope someone from B3ta gets it." * CHARLOTTE CHURCH'S PREGO FAG-O-TRON - dodge the alcopops and ciggies so that you can bring your unborn child to full term without incurring a low birth weight or foetal alcohol syndrome. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Scary and drdavej. Top Tippery by, er, Leonard Woo. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Wigs to b4ta. (Nothing in the brackets.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Install two browsers, and hide the link to the second. Use this as your special porn browser so your partner doesn't find out. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive