we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DRILLED BEEFS!" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * CHALLENGE - Ben Goldacre, celebrity judge * WEEBL - DJ Pie Safety * MUSIC - Nirvana on 45 ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Need us? Call the bat-phone. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK We love you b3ta peeps, we do >> Drilled beef << A long-term thread in the newsletter is odd cooking, and webspect to Goosegog who squawks, "Ever keen to experiment in the kitchen, we made Drilled Chilli Beef! It's sort of cooking and engineering, in one." An odd one this, at first it's amusingly disgusting, and then finally looks quite edible. Expect to see this served in the quirkier restaurants such as Fat Duck soon. http://snipurl.com/DrilledChilliBeef >> Delete Lily Allen on Myspack << "Hi", greets themadthing, "I've made a blog to try to get as many people as possible to delete Lily Allen on MySpace. Can this please please please go in the newsletter?" Of course it can, if only because we're sick to death of people playing her stupid album in the office we're currently lurking in. http://deletelilyallen.blogspot.com >> DJ Pie Safety << "Do you like my fantastic new dj pie safety video?" enquires Weebl, "It's the gayest thing ever." Blimey, if you ever wanted to see Jonti doing an Ali G impression whilst rapping about pies, then get clicky with this. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/wab/safety/ >> PC Paedo shocker << "Good news!" blurts Dr.A, "I've found the worst birthday card ever. Bad news! It's incredibly unpleasant. And I really do mean that." Blimey, we know what we want in our box next birthday. http://snipurl.com/1az3v ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Ripped Off Last week we wanted to know if you'd been ripped off: http://b3ta.com/questions/rippedoff/ * TOOTHPICKS "Visiting family in Edinburgh as a child, I was taken to a large and posh restaurant. My mum had made us dress properly... *scowls and stamps foot* The adults were talking and drinking, my brother and I were bored. He hands me a chip and says, "eat it". You'd be amazed how painful it is when you chomp on a chip placed vertically in your mouth... and find that it has a toothpick inserted into it along its length. We giggled, and decided to put toothpicks in each and every remaining chip on the plate. My brother got our dad to eat one and, after being bollocked for being irresponsible little bastards, we sat in silence awaiting pudding. Main course was cleared away, and still we waited. Just as the chocolate pudding arrived, the respectful silence of the posh restaurant was broken by a yelp... a scream, and then five seconds later a big scary hairy bastard shouting, "WHY IS THERE TOOTH-PECKS IN MAH WHIFE'S FUCKING CHEPPS???" I suspect that was the last time they re-cycled food in that restaurant... the cheap-skate bastards."(Humpty Dumpty was Pushed) * BEANS ON TOAST "Little, almost pyrrhic victories are the best. East Midlands Airport, red eye flight, looking for something to set me up for the journey, fancied beans on toast. Looked at the menu: beans on toast is £2.95. A trifle expensive for 1/2 tin catering standard. Exploring other options I come across 'extras' two pieces of toast 90p, beans 95p, net saving £1.10. That'll do nicely. "Beans and toast please" (employee makes to slop industrial beans on unbuttered toast) "Woah, hold on there fella. I want to butter my toast first, or your overly sloppy microbean juice will impregnate my bread, with soggy effect". (Employee growls, looks for bowl, slops beans contemptuously into bowl, flings toast onto plate) Get to the till... "£2.95" "What..why?" "Beans on toast, £2.95" "But the beans aren't on the toast, they're in a separate bowl, that's beans with toast, and that's two extras" "Nope, that's beans on toast" "In what way are my beans on my toast?" (Queue starting to build).. "Oh, alright, £1.85 then." I must get out more... Beating the cheeky fucks at their own game is fun though." (countryslicker) * FREE PRINTER "I once bought a printer from Staples with counterfeit £20s. Fake twenties I had printed on a printer I had bought there the day before. A printer they had sold me. I had got home, found to have a dodgy paper feeder, and Staples refused to take back. However, when I bought the original printer, I noticed that they didn't even check the cash given to them 'cause I counted it out in front of them. The clerk just grabbed the notes and stuck 'em in the register. So I decided to be audacious. The dodgy printer would still print, so a quick scan later, I ran off a bunch of bills on a stock of paper that resembled cash. After scrunching them up to different degrees and writing a phone number on one for extra authenticity, I went back to Staples. I took the very same kind of printer to the counter. I counted out the fake notes and one real one on the top (just in case they decided to check one) and the cashier just stuffed the whole wad into the till without checking any of them. And that is the story of how I counter-robbed Staples for robbing me." (MarkyH) >> This Week's Question << We'd like to know when you were last really, really scared. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/reallyscared/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Nirvana on 45 << Older readers will remember the pre-Jivebunny act Stars on 45; bastards who took Beatles songs and mixed them to a lumpen disco thud. Fancy hearing what this format sounds like with Nirvana? Amused us briefly anyway. And if anyone fancies having a crack at '80s Goth on 45', we'll be all ears. http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2007/02/ten_albums_i... >> African kings << Huzzah for African royalty. Certainly puts the sartorial sense of Prince Charles to shame. http://neoncobra.blogspot.com/2006/12/african-king... >> Shaved head pron << Last weekend Britney shaved her head and the official B3ta wife says, "You know what? I bet that's a fetish, and there's fan sites." And so we google, "shaved head fetish" and hit the motherlode of bald bonce pics. Best of all? They've already stuck Britters' stubbly noggin in pride of place. NSFW. http://www.plazaone.com/rldc/redlite/hair/ >> Dildo or Tupperware? << The banana case market is really hotting up, first we had the hard plastic enclosure of The Banana Guard, and now the Banana Bunker brings you a more flexible alternative. Ideal for those with wonky fruit. http://bananabunker.com/ >> Millennium Dome << Your Ginger Fuhrer once visited the Millennium Dome construction site and found a guest book signed by Chumbawumba where they wrote something about 'white elephants'. Haven't checked it out since, but these night time exploration photos are fantastic. http://www.28dayslater.co.uk/forums/showthread.php... >> Perplexing photo of the week << "I found this pic," laments Kundalini, "Black man with a sign on his chest holding two flaming torches and dangling a laptop from his cock." We suspect someone might be playing games with a Nigerian spammer. http://tunteella.org/4chans/11640447301345125.jpg >> Cat shelves << Got a cat? You need cat shelves. We're installing them in B3ta HQ to make Rocky the Official B3ta Cat, entertain us with some crazy-kitty-tomfoolery before we allow him to eat. http://www.katwallks.com/customerphotos.htm >> Biggest plug hole ever << You know that 'fact' about water swirling in a different direction in Australian sinks? It's bollocks. However, here's a massive plughole, and we wouldn't like to have our bollocks over it when someone drains the water out. http://snipurl.com/monticello ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO It's like TV made by magic pixies >> Blending glowsticks << Ah. Remember 1992? Shoving glow sticks up your arse and snorting turtle wax? The crazy kids these days are sticking them in blenders and then drinking them to make fluorescent cock piss. Probably. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Will_it_blend_Lightstick... >> Rip Torn goes mental << We've been on a 89 episode Larry Sanders marathon in B3ta Towers (thanks torrentspy), and the stand-out performance is Artie, as played by legendary character actor Rip Torn. Check him going proper radio rental in some old Norman Mailer flick. Genuinely violent, even disturbing. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Charlie the Unicorn << We've been hanging out with young people recently, in a sad attempt to find out what the kids are into. Apparently, as well as sticking toothpaste up their urethra and posting the animated jpegs on geocities, they are watching Charlie the Unicorn. (Can we do the old Viz joke about Screwnicorns here? Nope. Ok.) http://filmcow.com/charlietheunicorn.html >> Spice test << When we were young, we'd like nothing better than filling dustbins full of air freshener and throwing matches into the fumes. This is old hat now, the cool kids are swallowing spice. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Gangster kidz << The Wiggles are an antipodean children band, that according to our Ozzy friend, earn more than the Rolling Stones. Quite why they are mixed with some gangster rap, can only be because someone thought it was funny. It is, kinda. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The difference between men and women << You might think the difference is men have cocks and ladies have inverted cocks, but no, apparently it's more subtle. It's all about how they use the shower. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Gillian McKeith Challenge Last week we wanted you to photoshop quack nutritionist Gillian McKeith. We asked Ben Goodacre, author of the Guardian's esteemed Bad Science column, to judge the entries. Ben writes: * LASER TREATMENT - Gratifying to find an appreciation for evidence based medicine on b3ta. Smart crowd. Archie Cochrane would be proud of you. (plentyofants) * THE BOOK - This is clearly defamatory in suggesting a deliberate attempt to mislead. I'm assuming you're hosted in Antigua. (plentyofants) * BOGROLL CERTIFICATE - I'm getting some of these printed up. (plentyofants, again) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gillian_mckeith/ BTW: Ben has asked us to linky his site, and seeing as we're nice people, we've said, "that's fine by us." http://www.badscience.net/ >> New challenge: Punchlines << It's the simplest image challenge ever: visualise the punchlines to jokes. And that's it. Challenge suggested by mictoboy. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/punchlines/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Sticky game "A game from the same guy who did 'Double Wires' that you featured not too long ago," mouths smirt362, "There is a structure and at the top of the structure is a star. The goal is to remove as many sticks as possible from the structure before it collapses and the star falls below the line." Get it? Good. http://ishi.blog2.fc2.com/blog-entry-206.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * WILL-IT-SHREAD.COM - drop CDs and bacon into the office shredder. If ours is anything to go by the answer is no. * CLAP TRAP - our idea for a TV show. Think Blind Date but with STDs. * BENCH PLAQUE SITUATIONALISM - screw brass signs into park benches saying slightly odd things. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Telly's Lorraine Kelly's smelly jelly wellies, redazril, kaptinkurtz and Yank Meoff. Top Tippery by some cunt with bad aids, sorry setimret. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Jah to b4ta. (665, the neighbour of the beast.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Apples are the best cure for coffee breath. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive