we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "NOT FREE AS IN BEER, FREE AS IN AIDS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BUKAKKE - Watch the vid. No, really * PHOTOSHOPS - Poo 'doctor' gets it B3ta style * MOOPHONE - Joel & Rob in sell-out ad non-shock ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want to spunk cash with the ad sales team behind B3ta, Popbitch, Holymoly and Weebls-stuff? http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Six projects of sexy doom >> Leg photo laptop bloke << "In about May last year you kindly featured my website," preens spikytom, "I got ripped off by someone who sold me a broken laptop on ebay so I posted up all the porn etc that I found on the hard drive on a website which to date has been seen by about 3.8 million people. Well, he still hasn't refunded my money, and I'm skint again, so I've put the laptop and website on eBay." This is your chance to own a bit of genuine internet history so bid, my pretties. Bid like the wind! http://tinyurl.com/32mfff >> Throw them in the pit << Long-term B3ta contributor Koit has clearly lost his marbles and barks, "The story goes that myself and 2 friends came up with the idea of the pit, so that we could rid the world of all the wankers. The pit evolved into a place where we eventually put everyone, even if they only annoyed us slightly." This scares us, kind of catchy though. http://www.lskerton.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/flash/pit... >> Wind-up emails << Dave Smith has a common name and he gets lots of email for people that aren't him. He writes, "This blog documents the fun I've had being other people who have the same name as myself." Funny stuff. http://youhavegotthewrongperson.blogspot.com/ >> Bukkake video << "I once wrote a Bukkake song based upon the Prisoner Cell Block H," spurts DogHorse, "Some American movie chap decided to make a video for some reason. Features fake spunk made of corn syrup and flour." We like it, although quite why the credits are as long as the actual funny bit is probably because the bloke is a "movie chap." http://b3ta.com/links/Prisoner_Cell_Block_B >> Random Kitten Generator 2.0 << Back in the days of Web 1.5, Fraser bashed up a site with lots of kitten photos 'awww! show me another!" Fast forward a bit, and someone makes Fraser a CASH OFFER to buy his site. He flogs it and feels so guilty that he makes KittenWar to say sorry to the web. And now? He's re-launched his original idea - this time by taking the top 1000 kittens RSS kitten-mash-up stylee. http://www.randomkittengenerator.com/ >> Moophone << Your Ginger Fuhrer and Veitch have been busy, making an promotional song / animation to tell the world that 'Truphone run a free calls on your mobile phone service via wireless VOIP.' Well, that was the advertising brief, but somehow they got away with claiming the product is called a moophone and photoshopping some cows. Result. http://www.truphone.com/moo/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Other People's Diaries, Email, Stuff Nothing good comes of sneakily reading other people's private diaries and email. And these stories prove it over, and over again: http://b3ta.com/questions/diaries/ This first one made us cry. Mostly because the writer had originally thought they'd need to explain what cottaging was: * COTTAGING ... "Thanks, b3ta, I think: things haven't been peachy between myself and my BF the past few months so yesterday after reading this QOTW I succumbed to temptation - I googled him and his preferred usernames. I found him. Oh yes, I found him in a looking-for-a-fuck profile on a cottaging site I'd never previously heard of, dick pic and all, last accessed at the weekend when he was away in Blackpool supposedly spending time with his kids. I also found an entry for him on rate-a-rod (I gave it a barely-deserved 1 out of 10). I showed the link to one of my friends, a single gay guy who spends a fair bit of time on gay personals sites - he told me it isn't the first time he's seen a profile for him whist we've been together. He didn't want to tell me because he knew I was determined to try my hardest to rescue our relationship. Bit of a moot point if the BF is cheating, but still. When challenged about it on his return from work, he said he'd created it that very weekend, 'just fucking about'. Suffice to say, I didn't believe him. The discussion went downhill from there. So that just about wraps it up for us, I guess. Two years, almost to the day I met him. And now it amounts to fuck-all. Shite :(" (thatblokeoverthere) * ... FIRING ... "At more or less the same time that I joined my current company, so did one German designer. She turned out to be shit, quite a nutcase and frankly no-one really got on with her; the boss least of all. Fast-forward a week, and he tells me over a cigarette break that Amanda has to go. A week comes and goes, and still Amanda is blissfully unaware at her pending doom. Another week goes, and still nothing. Our new self- appointed boss has yet to garner the balls to do his first sacking and everyone knows it, except poor Amanda. About 3 weeks later, everyone is gathered round the boss's desk for a quick talk on a new website when the ding-dong sound of a new email is heard from the boss's computer. The email, entitled "Good luck with sacking that German!!", beautifully fades in as a small box into the bottom right of the screen for just a few seconds, and then fades out again, like all new emails in Outlook 2003 do. The boss's speech trails; the room goes eerily silent. Amanda collects her things and walks out in stony silence. Poor Amanda" (slippery doctore) * ... AND, ERM, DOGGING "As part of my job, any e-mail that is blocked because of inappropriate content comes to me, and the user notified. Now, if I want to, I can browse these inappropriate emails but, to be honest, I've far better things to do with my time and most of the stuff is blocked because of casual swearing. However, occasionally a user will panic when he gets the notification and contact me begging for the quarantined email to be deleted immediately. Now those ones I *do* read. There was a corker a while back. Some guy had struck up an email relationship with a woman from one of our suppliers. What made this one juicy was that the blocked email had the entire history of replies from when they first started flirting, to where they were describing sexual fantasies. It had started off mild (I like blow-jobs - I like my nipples bitten) to sheer filth - which was where the filter had kicked in. The one that had been blocked detailed what the guy was going to do with her on their first date - that very night. I couldn't resist. I inserted a couple of lines so that the email now read: "And then I'm going to drag my Alsatian dog in while you're still tied up helpless and video him shagging you..." Then I released the email. Note: I may or may not have actually released that email. Depends who's reading this." (Legless 2.0) >> This Week's Question << Have you been ripped off by some merciless arse? Have you mercilessly ripped off some poor sucker? Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/rippedoff/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Racist adsense << "Imagine my horror when I checked my gmail and was confronted with an adlink for 'N-word Jokes - www.ebay.co.uk - Find N-word Jokes! Buy N-word Jokes on eBay'", screams ch33kster. Blimey. Anyone up for some flaming torches outside the Google HQ? http://www.hencam.co.uk/b3ta/google_do_evil.jpg >> Ferrari = small penis << "It seems having a nice car is a substitute for having a small chopper," observes Justin, "have a look at last item he purchased in his feedback." BTW: You have to do a bit of clicking to appreciate this joke. http://snipurl.com/smallpenis >> Miss Russian Nuclear Industry << Phwoar! It seems Russian nuclear firms are holding a beauty pageant to prove that working with hazardous nuclear waste doesn't mean you can't be a glamour-puss. Check out these lovely atomic babes! Point proven, we strongly feel. http://miss2007.nuclear.ru/ >> Wikipedia-ophile << We couldn't suppress a slightly startled snort at the preposterous wickedness of this anonymous wag's rewrite of the wikipedia entry for the Soham killer Ian Huntley. It's been edited back again, as is the way with a wiki - but here's what it used to look like. http://snipurl.com/doing_it_for_thekids >> "How to spot a Jap" << Dating from the more innocent times of World War II - a US Army guide to spotting 'Japs', presented in comic-book form. Watch out for the widely-spaced toes, slanty eyes and yellow skin. Apparently. http://www.ep.tc/howtospotajap/howto03.html >> Nailing a jelly to a wall << It's sometimes used as the epitome of attempting the impossible but, undaunted, this chap has had a good go at affixing the aforementioned dessert to an interior wall. Worth a look. http://graeme.woaf.net/otherbits/jelly.html ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH 'My pug is the bestest' "Remember Magnus the Pug?", asks Jared (No, actually), "Well this month our new daughter is on the way and I thought you might like to see her. She will definitely make you go 'Ahhh...' even though she's a dog." http://snipurl.com/pug_ugly ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Call it 'YouTube corner' and be done with it... >> Worst commercial ever? << If you were the owner of Montgomery Flea Market and wanted more people to visit your fine furniture establishment what would you do? What you probably wouldn't do is make a rap video, prominently featuring your portly, pop-eyed self. "It's just like a, just like a mini-mall," he warbles. A proud boast indeed. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Shrimp on a treadmill << Well, it says it all pretty much in the title. Surprisingly perky prawn-type critter jogging along in his tank to the Benny Hill music. Good stuff. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Amazing Japanese chair << Following the same principles as those Christmas decoration pull-out paper chains, this innovative chair seems able to expand in order to seat as many people as needed. What's more incredible - it doesn't instantly collapse in on itself. http://www.glumbert.com/media/foldingchair >> "We are teaching the machine" << We genuinely felt a prickling behind our eyes at this surprisingly moving video about the way all this Web 2.0 is changing the way we live and how we talk to each other. If that sounds like something you might be vaguely interested in then click the link with the utmost dispatch. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Spam scammers' Monty Python << File under 'funny peculiar' - one of the fraudster-baiting funsters of 419eater.com has managed to convince a couple of miscreants to perform and film Monty Python's classic dead parrot sketch. They certainly act it out with conviction. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> One-legged dancing << Presenting Clayton 'Peg Leg' Bates, 1950s tap superstar and unidexter. He's certainly got some nice moves, although the whole TV spot here borders vaguely on the freak show. http://youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER STD Manufacturing Conspiracy theorists will tell you that Aids is man-made. If so, perhaps this was the place that did it - they certainly seem proud of their unsavoury profession. http://www.stdm.co.uk/projects.htm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the last two challenges. Last week we wanted to you to get un-romantic on our ass with some anti- Valentine's sentiment. You liked: * WORDPLAY - Not big, certainly not clever, but quite clearly what most men want from this most romantic of days (kip81) * UNDELIVERED - Whereas this entry clearly demonstrates the reality of the occasion (Beau Bo d'Or) These images, and the best as voted for by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/anti-valentine/ The week before, we wanted to know what to do with the Millennium Dome: Your favourites included: * MONSTER - Godzilla shelters from the nasty London rain before heading out to break stuff (Rogan) * BOUNCY - This looks like the best fun a cuddly blue dinosaur could ever possibly have (HappyToast) All these images, and so much more, are not available in the shops - just here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/millenium_dome/ >> New challenge: Gillian McKeith << Scatological TV quack Gillian McKeith has had some bad news: she's no longer allowed to call herself a doctor. Why? Because she isn't one. So, for no other reason than we think this is funny, photoshop her. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/gillian_mckeith/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * USB BOURBONS - A couple of weeks ago we mentioned Happy Toast and Ironman Tetsuo's idea to bring out a USB bourbon biscuit. They've pushed forward the plan and have produced this glorious prototype - we hope they become as immensely rich as they deserve. http://www.b3ta.com/board/6828402 * MORE WIKI-DEATH BOLLOCKS - looks like some journo at The Guardian hasn't been reading the newsletter. http://snipurl.com/brown_bread * TANGY WORCESTER SAUCE TWIGLETS - g1n_munk3y wants help tracking them down. (We did try phoning Jacob's but got bored being shunted between departments looking for someone to answer our query.) http://snipurl.com/twiglet_or_piglet * WEEBL VS PETA - last week we made a video to point out the similarity between a Peta animation and Weebl's Badgers. Peta has now taken it down, but not before your Ginger Fuhrer was DUGG. BTW: Yes, he is wearing a Nazi helmet. The 'fuhrer' label isn't a gag. He's a fucking nazi. http://snipurl.com/diggy_diggy_dug_dug ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Balance thing-ma-bob "I want to set a record in the number of Friday Games I can get in the newsletter," lies kingjay, "Well, I don't have life and my therapist said I should to try to achieve something. And this is real British as well! Isn't that fun? It's with a stick and balls. That should count for something." Good game, woo. http://www.alexheaton.co.uk/games/tilt2/Tilt2.swf ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BEN GOLDACRE FROM BAD SCIENCE - to judge our Gillian Mckeith image challenge. (Actually we'd quite like Gillian / Max Clifford to send us a cease and desist, but we suspect they're laying low at the moment.) * BREAKOUT / SPACE INVADERS MASH-UP - Use the bat to bash the ball into the invading space-scum. We spent a good couple of hours the other day thinking how this could work, and reckon it would be ACE. * WINDOW LICKER GAME - there's lots of dirty windows, lick them clean. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by original_nuttah, thayer, Grr_boy, Liam Barrett, rob5110, discokid_1, antifraudsule. Top Tippery by me. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta loves you like a mother. Not your mother, Dave - that would be scary. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Remove cat hair from your clothes using sellotape. Or leave Tiddles on the motorway. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive