we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "LEAVES YOUR BREATH, NESCAFE FRESH" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * STUFF - Possibly about kittens * NONSENSE - Some references to wanking * BOLLOCKS - Yep, it's the B3ta newsletter ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Five-way B3ta peeps link-orgy of sex piss >> Jonti cashes out << Mr Weebl has made so much cash out of this internet malarky that he's been able to invest all his pie-gotten-gains in tech stock. Watch this live web-cam of his fat, greedy face as his shares rise. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/stockmarket/ >> Joel being a twat << Veitch has been playing with some "make the lips wobble to audio" software and produced an owl singing about jelly. Can't wait to see Coke try and rip this one off. http://www.b3ta.com/links/The_Jelly_Song >> Robot grannies << Remember Mutated Monty? He's the bloke who ended up on BBC news for gluing all his odd little photoshops together on Youtube. He's back, and this time with automaton octogenarians, or cyber-oldsters, or even USB OAPS. Can't understand a word of the audio, but that's not the point. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Robogran >> "It's not just food, it's wankers food"<< "Here's a Marks & Sparks spoof I made a few days ago," writes Joey, "possibly NSFW, but a few people seem to like it." Woo, amused us. Could do with a better pay off line though. http://b3ta.com/links/This_ain_t_just_any_food_adv... >> Manboobs << "Our Manboobs website is fucking brilliant," blubbers Shilpa Popadum, "so how about sharing it with your illustrious readers in your newsletter?" Ok, if only because the collection of photos made us feel physically sick. http://www.manboobs.co.uk/latest.php ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK My first porn We wanted to hear all about your first experience of porn: http://b3ta.com/questions/myfirstporn/ * WINDOWPORN "At school, one enterprising twelve-year-old had cornered the market in supplying porn mags to the boys in our year. One such deal took place just before the start of the English lesson. He presented the buyer with a new, unsoiled copy of Razzle just as the prudish, female teacher walked in. The kid, in a state of nervous panic, did the best thing that he could think of: he lobbed the offending mag out of the classroom window. It was, however, a very windy day. And the classroom was on the second floor. The porno mag blew back against the window with the centrefold presenting a picture of a lass with her legs spread apart towards a class of 30 12-year-old boys. The winds continued to blow and, because the window was so large the teacher could not reach to remove the magazine, it stayed there for a full twenty minutes while we learned about poetry." (Unemployable) * ROUNDABOUTPORN "Got my twelve-year-old hands on some premium jazz mags in the morning at school. Spent the next three hours imagining all the naughtiness inside. At dinnertime was too randy to eat and decided to slink off and find somewhere to practice my ever improving self-love technique. So I decided to go and have a wank in the middle of a roundabout near my school. I should stress that the roundabout was one of those massive ones with a ring of bushes and shrubbery and other such twatage round the perimeter... OK, I was desperate - all the blood was rushing from my legs and settling in my young rod of power at the though of getting stuck into a nearly new copy of Fiesta, so I thought "I'll nip over there and be hidden by the topiary." After dealing with the maniac Northampton dinnertime traffic, I found a nice secluded space in the centre, spread the mags out in front of me, and proceeded to pound my pud like my life depended on it. A few minutes later, spent and feeling quite pleased with myself, I had a bit of a revelation. People at street level couldn't see my proclamation of self love, but... I looked up and, off to the right of me there were about a hundred office workers gathered at the windows on the third and fourth floors, about five people to a window, just sort of... frozen there. Each and every face had a look of horrified amusement. Personally, I was quite happy with my lunchtime performance. But it was a pretty long walk zipping the wee fella away, gathering up my nudie mags, and pretending nothing had happened." (SpankyHanky) * GRAMPYPORN "I was only young, seven at the most. My mum took my five year old brother and I to see our Grandparents. We got to their house, knocked on the door and waited. Moments later my grandfather opens the door and invites us in. And there it was, on their extremely large television. Paused as a highly make-upped lady is having several men insert things into her. It scarred me for life. The porn was bad enough, but my grandparents?! The worst part was, they didn't even turn it off - they just left it. When my mum hinted to go into the kitchen instead they replied, "It's a bit dirty in there." (Fluffy elephants) Many thanks also to Rachelswipe for letting us know that the nuns at her Catholic school glued the pages on reproduction in all the text books together with "Nun Glue". We shudder to think what that is. >> This Week's Question << What have you read in other peoples diaries and email that you really wish you hadn't?: http://b3ta.com/questions/diaries/ ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS SPONSORED LINK Pjorto vs DJ eFFeX – "I am my music" Both men claim to be music, only one can win. You have the power to decide who takes the crown. http://snipurl.com/pjotro_djeffex ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> How to prank a telemarketer << Telemarketers - a human plague walking the earth? Well, it's not for us to say. This chap's found a way to turn their pestering calls into a source of innocent amusement. Fantastic to see the way he instantly seizes control of the conversation and steers it the way he wants to go. http://howtoprankatelemarketer.ytmnd.com/ >> Your new wallpaper << Just click the link. Don't bother reading this bit - better you be surprised. Go ahead. Oh, if you don't like flabby blokes' penises tightly wrapped in satsuma netting look away from your screen... now! NSFW. http://tunteella.org/4chans/1164469820067.jpg >> Dumped on live radio << Unbelievably harsh - man gets radio DJ to phone up his cheating girlfriend and tell her she's dumped, live on air. Takes a little while to get going. Stick with it for the full schadenfreude hit. http://www.b3ta.com/links/You_re_Dumped >> Jeeves alarm clock << It can be pretty hard to get out of bed on these cold, wintry mornings. Imagine how much easier it would be if Stephen Fry was inside your alarm clock. Hmm. Actually that would be kind of creepy. But you could do worse than start the day with a bit of well-chosen flattery, as in this comfortably-priced alarm bedside item. http://www.voco.uk.com/ >> Fords of the UK << Enthusiasm's a beautiful thing indeed and that extends even to this comprehensive guide that purports to review "every UK ford, watersplash and tidal road". So far we haven't caught him missing one out - can you? http://vamp.idlers.org/~jaffa/westmidlands.htm >> Warning: Gay bands << For parents concerned their child may turn out gay, a list of pop & rock artists they should forbid their child to listen to. Is it real? Is it? We think we know but we're not saying. http://lovegodsway.org/GayBands >> Whatever happened to Ellen Feiss? << Cast your mind back to 2002 and you'll recall Ellen's spot in Apple's 'Switcher' ad campaign. She gained a lasting cult following from the rumour that she was high on drugs while filming. Here's an interview on what she's been up to in the intervening years. Just looking at that ad again on YouTube - she does look really, really stoned. http://macenstein.com/default/archives/509 >> Big pig sacrifice << Two thousand dead pigs' arses and fireworks going off overhead. "You've won the level!" Someone's Flickr page of a massive sacrifice to General Chao of Wudeh temple in Taiwan. A deity uncommonly fond of pork, it seems. http://flickr.com/photos/avant1997/sets/7215759449... >> Exciting text-to-speech lady << She will say anything you type. Even filth. And you can change her voice to male, female or other languages. Sadly, you can only do it a limited number of times - ours ran out as we were making her act out offensive national stereotypes. Bah. http://snipurl.com/say_the_word_bitch >> Joan meets the Sasquatch << Joan Ocean, expert on ET/dolphin communication, gives an account of her enchanting encounters with the mythical furry men of North America. And she gives the Sasquatches one of her books about dolphins, and they give her a rock in return, plus a crudely-written note that says "God bless you". We gave up on the third page, your mileage may vary. http://www.joanocean.com/sasquatch.html >> Singing in the shower << Nice little sound board where you make some naked geezer karaoke along to the radio in the shower. What would obviously be better is if you could turn on the cold tap making his voice into a high-pitched squeal. http://www.showersong.noisegames.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Two cutes is too cute >> Let's be friends << "Bloody hell," mouths Rob Wazzock, "I made the letsbefriends page for the B3ta newsletter a couple of years back and basically forgot about it. Just noticed that it's done about a gazillion page views and I have loads of unread email from people sending in their own photos of animal friends. I've suck a few up, you might like to have a look." http://letsbefriends.blogspot.com/ >> Kitteny Nintendo DS << "Shitty beggars," yelps Thayer, "I know you B3ta flids will go spunk mental for this piccy. I did." http://snipurl.com/oh_noes_i_bwoke_it ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO YouTube smells of wee and has sex with dogs >> Star Wars with hands << Re-enactment of the rebels' daring space assault on the Death Star just using hands, gloves and the original soundtrack. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Biff's question song << You'll certainly know Tom Wilson better as 'Biff' Tannen from the now-legendary Back to the Future. In fact, everybody does - and they ask him the same questions over and over. So to save time he made them into a song. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 'When cats attack" << Great soundtrack accompanies footage of household pet on the prowl. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> New Apple ads << Not much to say about these commercials for shiny, pretty computers - except what brilliant casting for the two characters. http://www.apple.com/uk/getamac/ads/ >> Candle retro games << Dedicated nerd brings to life his favourite arcade classics via the medium of burning wax. Impressive, although could have done with more Tetris and less Pac-man. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Psycho wedding haircut << Slow to get going, but when it does - wow! Apparently footage of a young woman coming home with an appalling haircut an hour before she's due to get married. She completely flips out as the bridesmaids roll their eyes and keep the camera running. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER People's Prayers Conjuring up images of some sort of pesticide to keep back crowds, this poorly thought-out URL. (Thanks Steff) http://www.peoplesprayers.com ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Sex Challenge Last week we wanted to you to come up with modern visual euphemisms for sex. Oo-er. Your favourites included: * STAR WARS - Han Solo's troubles with premature man-splash, beautifully visualised (HappyToast) * JORDAN & PETER - Small organ or big cathedral? You decide (The Great Architect) * MR. ED - The tragic, romantic story of everyone's favourite horse and his owner Wilbur Post (monkeon) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sex/ >> New challenge: Revive The Dome << It seems we'll never find a use for the UK's greatest white elephant, the Millennium Dome. Or will we? Fire up photoshop and show us some alternative uses for the damn thing... immediately ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SPACE PENIS - most news sites covered this story about a school playing field with a cock drawn into the ground. What we enjoyed the most was a BBC journalist emailing us and asking, "Is this something to do with B3ta?" Sadly no, but we're amused that the Beeb would immediately assume it's us. http://snipurl.com/guardian_cocks * SCARIEST EMAIL WE'VE EVER RECIEVED - linda465 writes, "I have just read the interview with Philip Howard the preacher, I am his ex wife and mother of his four children. He gets money from a pension about two hundred a week which he never mentioned. the child support agency are after him as he has never paid a penny for his children and for the youngest who is 14 he owes eighteen thousand I have the letter to prove it. He is breaking the law which makes him a sinner and not a winner." We think that is something that should have been sent to the SCA rather than us. * MORE WIKI-DEATH NONSENSE - iwantbilly growls, "Hey, just thought you should know that the Wikideaths made it into yesterday's (Fri 26th) Daily Mirror in the 3am section. They even phoned Marti Pellow for a reaction, 'I don’t know what that was all about but I’m alive and well.'" http://img256.imageshack.us/img256/8820/3am001ve4.... ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Pong / Balance game Fiendishly tricky and yet so basic you kick yourself when you fail at it, this is classic Friday Game territory. The idea is to keep both balls in the air for as long as possible - when they fall you get a sarcastic little French comment about your level of intelligence. Trivia fact: Babelfish gives 'shitting' as the translation of 'chiant'. Hmm. http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/jeuxchiants/double... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BURGLERY 2.0 - "I have an idea for a piece of software that scans blog entries. It would attempt to figure out when the authors are away on holiday, then automatically retrieve the whois information for that domain. Then, every day, you'd be e-mailed a list of addresses to burgle." (Idea from The New Zealand Ginger) * MOUSETURBATION - place your hand on your mouse with your fingers separated over the scroll wheel. Looks a bit like a minge. Now make a 'waggle game' where you bring a lady to climax by rubbing the scroll wheel. (We actually once pitched this idea to a commercial client who told us to fuck off.) * UP HILL GARDENER - a mucky little flash game about "turning the sod". Oh stop it, you're killing us. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Kourosism, ska fender, PMGT, Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha, richxking, brainburger, mark darby, matt smith, steff and kingjay, ska fender, PMGT, Yank Meoff, AndMcC, auawsha, richxking, brainburger, mark darby, matt smith. You're not reading this bit so I'll just write that we're both fucking hungover and vodka is the drink of idiots. Top Tippery by Jeremy Cunt. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. RAGE to b4ta. (Mongsocks 11) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily." And read nineteen other tips here: http://snipurl.com/toppy_toppy_tip_tip next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive