we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DOWNLOAD OUR SICK JOKE BOOK FOR FREE. YES, FREE. THANKS B3TA" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * SICK JOKE BOOK - Download it for free. THANKS! * QUIZ - Pop-stars' first names. Can you guess? * COKE - Joel scores BILLIONS from legals ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want our love? Then let your fingers do the text spunk. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Lots and lots of magic links for you >> Read the Sick Joke Book for FREE! << Last year we embarked on our most ambitious project yet, could we get the internet to write us a book and then flog it in the shops? We're very happy that all our webby dreams came true and lots of you bought it. Now we're taking on the riskiest part of our "thought it up drunk" marketing strategy: we're giving the entire book away, completely free, as a PDF download. Our theory being that the more people who read it online, then the more people might buy it as a birthday present for a friend. Will our Amazon sales rank drop to zero? God knows, but you only live once, and it's more interesting to take a few risks. http://www.sickjokebook.com >> Mick + Keith = Which band? Quiz << Monkeon, Monkeon, Monkeon, so good we name him thrice, has been working on cute little quiz to test your knowledge of pop-stars' first names. He demurely enquires, "suggestions for a more catchy title are welcome." Our thought? Christian (names) Rock Quiz. http://www.monkeon.co.uk/popfirstnames/ >> Weebl vs Mangos << "Mangos! Mangos! Mangos!" orgasms Jonti, "I'm just very happy with it." Indeed. And for the animation nerds amongst our audience, Jonti has produced these particular mangos in 3D. Yep, 3 fucking D. Woo hoo! http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/mango >> Oh fuck, the return of Barry Scott << Maybe you think the Cillit Bang joke is tired, and to continue it would be to chip away at the very love that you give that keeps this newsletter alive. You sir, you sir is wrong. Natt shouts, "We wondered what it might be like to live with Barry Scott. So we made this. Hope you enjoy it." Warning: This is an audio file. That's right, it's like radio comedy. No pictures, or any of that fancy Youtubery. We're kicking it Radio 4 stylee. Amusing enough for a couple of mins tho. http://odeo.com/audio/6564083/view >> Joel vs. Coke WIN WIN WIN << Before Xmas we broke the story that Coke had ripped off one of Joel's tunes and animations for an advert. This subsequently became a massive PR disaster for Coke, the story was reported on BBC, Sky and in every paper going. And if you haven't been reading the news this week (most emailed story on BBC news), then you'll need to know that Coke paid up, and all is spunky-dory. We wanted to give you exclusive news, like exactly how much the band was paid, but under the terms of the agreement, Joel is not allowed to disclose the figure, which is a shame, as it's the bit that everyone wants to know. Anyway, to see how big the whole story got stick 'rathergood' into Google News. http://news.google.com/news ------------------------------------------------- : PENIS SPOT Your gushing tributes to cocks keep on coming >> Frozen phallus << "We built a 6ft snow cock in The Alps last week," boasts Firestar_3x, "It needs some recognition, can you help?" Sure can. We'll also refrain from making "brass monkeys" and "snowballs" jokes. http://firestar3x.com/MX5Nutz/Forum/Images/SnowP1.... >> Giant Cocks in Google Earth << Chanticleer spluffs, "When I was a young'un, I used to go on bike rides around a big country house with a huge lake. Kicking around Google Earth, I thought I'd have a go at guessing how far away from the lake my house was. But then I found the lake, and that question became a bit irrelevant. Now, cocks drawn on schools with chalk and mown into hay are one thing; the local Lord of the Manor is obviously richer than any of us and created a huge pond in the shape of a knob." Yay for mad toffs, and we hope one day we're wealthy enough to behave in a similarly cockcentric way. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/b3ta/jpg/wwh.j... ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The weird kid in class Every class had one, and we wanted to know all about them: http://b3ta.com/questions/weirdkid/ * "Paul had a thing about naked people: they made him freak out. So life drawing classes were a nightmare for him and he managed to avoid every single one for the three years we had them. Eventually the teach got sick of his excuses and said "Paul, whatever you say or do today, I will not let you leave. You are staying for the whole class, I don't care if the principal has a meeting with you or you have to go to sickbay. Nothing will make me let you leave". So Paul begged, pleaded, lied. nothing worked. He even dropped an easel on his foot. To no avail. The model waddles in and disrobes and we all get scribbling. It was then a strange thing happened... Paul seemed to be into it. He was feverishly working on his drawing and didn't seem too upset by the whole experience. As the class went on, he even started to look pleased as he stepped back from his work to admire it. The teacher starts to look incredibly smug, until that is the end of the class comes and we all rotate our easels to admire each others work. Paul, with some encouragement, reveals his masterpiece. A perfectly rendered drawing of the Sydney Harbour Bridge." (lessmiserable) * "One, Two and Three were, I kid you not, the names of three kids at my old school. Their Child Psychologist parents believed that they should not give their children names and that they should be able to choose them themselves. Of course they forbade the children from naming themselves until they were 16 and were of an age to have decided on a good and sensible name for themselves. So far only One has a proper name, Two and Three are still, Two and Three. (I believe they are fairly normal apart from the shit that they had to put up with in school)" (polly DOES NOT want a fucking cracker) * "Doesn't need much explaining: I went to school with a lad who shagged a horse" (GeordieSteve) http://archive.thenorthernecho.co.uk/2001/3/6/1772... >> This Week's Question << We'd like your first experience of porn. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/myfirstporn/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> If you open one link this week, THIS ONE << "While merrily trawling through an anonymous FTP server I came across this," lies Jimvin, "If only he hadn't named the directory 'secretphotos' my curiosity would not have been piqued. It's only just that this guy's creepy secret page be disseminated amongst all the other B3tards reading the newsletter." http://snipurl.com/secretphotos >> Drugs are good mmmkay? << B3ta HQ has always been a great believer in marijuana as a way of getting ideas. We don't mean being a useless stoner, but an occasional smoke does really get the brain thinking differently, and so we salute Dr Susan Blackmore (best known for her work on meme-theory) and her brave confession "I take illegal drugs for inspiration." http://snipurl.com/getmashedwithdrdrugs >> Blue Peter Annuals << International readers won't feel the same nostalgic tug that UK people of a certain age will experience on seeing this complete collection of Blue Peter Annuals from the 60s up to the present day. Fascinating stuff, see the presenters change from parental figure, to mad uncle, to hip older sibling and most recently, stage school kids who might as well be in S Club 7. Ad agencies! Buy this lot on eBay and make a great mural for your reception. http://snipurl.com/wedstilldojanetellis >> Photo sprint << Unusual idea for a collection of images here, the photographer sets his camera on a two second delay and then runs like fuck away from the lens. http://runningfromcamera.blogspot.com/ >> Who's that lady? Texty lady? << Scoring all the hotness for the typographical perverts this week is this collection of nudes made entirely from the shapes found in ordinary letters. Word. http://www.epica-awards.org/epica/2006/winners/cat... >> Your new homepage << "Did you know that YOUR HomePage is the page that opens every time you open your browser?" enquires this banally obvious page for web newbies, "And did you know that you could change what is on it?" Yep, here is the fantastic opportunity to make your browser open to a photo of Jesus. It's what God wants you to do (other than killing prostitutes.) http://gothomepages.com/jesus/JesusHomePage.html ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO This week's challenging wank material... >> Bass + corn flour = rippling vag << "This vid is an extension of a science experiment you may have done at school," lectures h0ly_j0e, "where a liquid becomes solid under pressure. Here it is being affected by the sound waves from a sub-woofer. However, the most exciting thing for me is that the effect produced somehow reminds me of my wife's cunt." http://snipurl.com/dontfancyyoursmuch >> Windows rap << "At first this is just a boring if silly promotional video for Windows 386," bleeps Notadaffodil, "but after 7 minutes it gets a little freaky to say the least." Ha, this is one in the eye for the Macolytes, was your advertising ever this cool? http://snipurl.com/bluescreenofrap >> USB humping dog << "This item just screams B3ta," accuses Floppysheep. Hmm, are we that easily pigeon-holed? But he's right you know, we have sudden and uncontrollable techno-lust for this port-powered poking pooch. http://snipurl.com/doggy_style >> Ball crushing << Ladies, you'll never know the pain of having your testicles slammed between a table and book. And you complain that child-birth is tough? You, dear, breast-laden ladies, you don't know you are born. BTW: This is apparently a deleted scene from the Jackass movie. Can't say we really want to see the rest of it. http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/ >> Adam Buxton revoices TV << Enjoyed this clip of Richard & Judy gameshow segment where UK comedian Adam Buxton dubs the audio to pretend to be a stoned caller. Although part of our enjoyment largely comes from the thought of the once potentially ubiquitous new-face-of-Channel4 Adam having simply nothing better to do than watch daytime TV. Anyway, to give the final word to the bloke who sent it in, 'Concurrency', "I love this, it warms up nicely but is never overplayed :)" Nice use of smiley there, always enjoy that. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Damn you B3ta readers, damn you to hell >> Cat lady << "Talking of nominative determinism," Gavbad mews, "Until recently, there was a vet at the Ashleigh Veterinary Surgery on Upper Chorlton Road, Manchester, called Kitty Healey. And indeed she did. She's left now but you can still see her mentioned on this shockwave website. Click on 'about us', then 'staff'" Wow. We wonder if she lived with comments that she should "become a vet" from childhood and it sparked an interest? http://www.dna.tc/web/ash/CATS%20&%20DOGS%206.... >> Therapist = The Rapist gag << "I can't remember if you've done a piece about URLs that can be misconstrued recently." ponders Lemmiwinks, "Anyhoo this is a prime example." Hmm, we're pretty sure we've done the same joke before, but after writing 262 newsletters the brain does turn to mush some-what. Lemmiwinks also apologises for "wasting 14 seconds of your life," which is kind of him. http://www.therapistsuk.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA COMPO RESULTS War on Terror You might remember in December, B3ta ran a competition to win a board game called War on Terror. What with Christmas and an unexpected break out of warts in the office, we've been a little late in following this up. Anyway, we asked you to complete the tie-breaker, "George Bush is..." and the winning replies were: * "George W. Bush is a seriously misoverestimated president" (daniel.c.johnson) * "George Bush is Al-Qaeda employee of the month" condensed.tomato.soup) * "George W. Bush is a president, He comes from Florida where he’s resident. He used a rigged vote, Tony Blair licks his scrote, We hold these truths to be self evident." (glasjay) BTW: Out of over 150 entries there wasn't one which was pro-Bush. We reckon if we'd run this compo a year ago, things would have been very different. Those newspaper reports saying Bush has the lowest public approval in his career are true. http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the France/UK Challenge Last week we wanted to know what life would be like had France and Britain merged in the 1950s. Your favourites included: * FISH - cross-channel linguistic genius from a true b3ta legend (Monkeon) * RODIN - Mix British toilet humour with French artistic flair, and the results are obvious (hYpe,) * DISTRICT LINE - the much-vaunted expansion of London's tube system finally makes a real difference south of the river (Bad Horsey) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/united_kingdom_of_fr... >> New challenge: Film Sex For Prudes << In the olden days, film-makers couldn't show sex, so they'd refer to it by showing trains entering tunnels, waves crashing on beaches etc. But what if these restrictions were still in place? Design some modern visual euphemisms for sex, but keep it 'innocent'. Animation encouraged. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sex/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * BEATEN BY AD AGENCY - We always try our damnedest to keep advertising separate from our editorial, so sponsorship is always clearly labelled. So imagine our numb-shock when some bloke from The Viral Factory phoned us up last Friday afternoon and said, "You know that video you ran from WordBomb, with the flicky mobile phone? Well, that's our latest client work for Samsung." Oops, we've been well and truly got, and hats off to their team for producing a bit of work we liked so much we ran it as content. Watch it again, and this time they've lobbed us a back-hander to keep us sweet. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/386032/its_flicky/ * MORE RUDE OZZY POLITICOS - Pleiades bleats, "You simply cannot go past this famous incident, 'Sir Winton Turnbull, a member of the cavalleria rusticana, was raving and ranting on the adjournment and shouted: "I am a Country member". I interjected "I remember". He could not understand why, for the first time in all the years he had been speaking in the House, there was instant and loud applause from both sides.' BTW: This gag might become clearer if you say it out loud. * ON OUR REQUEST FOR TAX-FREE CIGS - Furness gasps, "Easy. Doing it my way is not only free, you actually get paid to smoke. 'How?' I hear you ask in desperation. Simple...Medical Testing. Virtually no-one goes for it since that minor little incident a while back, and they're always wanting people to test new fags. You get as many as you want and get money for doing it." * WIKIPEDIA DEATHS - many of you wrote in with messages like this one from Thistle, "Rob Manuel - our Ginger Fuhrer - got killed many times on Wikipedia as well but someone kept changing it back. After I read the newsletter I went to do it myself but someone had beaten me to it!" Heh, we don't mind. We're actually more surprised to see our carrot-topped godhead listed as a 'British Radio Personality.' http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rob_Manuel * HOBBIT HOUSE TO GAZILLIONAIRE - Zaphod's Wombat mutters, "A year or so ago I told B3ta about a mate of mine who had built a hobbit-like hippy sustainable house for him and his family in the woods somewhere. His bandwidth shot up and he was nearly made bankrupt (he only had about £5 and some twigs to his name anyway!). The upside of the mention is that he's had enquiries from around the world, from media and individuals, he's now got a career and is super happy! B3ta has all of teh interweb power!" Yay, we're like an internet version of Cilla Black. http://www.simondale.net/house/index.htm ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Warioware game-a-like "I've found a very entertaining little thing," confides Yeknom, "it would make a lovely Friday game." Indeed it does, and we're looking forward to the Wii versions of similar ideas too. http://www.armorgames.com/games/foursecondfrenzy_p... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something ripper and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * JADE GOODY'S COON BOX - following Big Brother's successful attempts to turn racism into light entertainment, bash out a flash application which sounds out a number of racial insults, "bud bud bud", "send 'em back" etc. on a key press. For maximum embarrassment, cover it in Endemol and Channel 4 logos. * TOILET FLUSH QUESTION - Dermot O'Logical asks,"Could B3ta please wield its enormous yet subversive power over the world and fix it for me to have everyone on the planet flush their toilet at the same time, just to see what would happen?" Hmm, maybe not. But possibly some science types might like to write in with their theories? * A SMALL SAUSAGE WITH AIDS - gah, we've been writing like a cunt for hours and we can't be arsed to think of something proper to go here. Sorry. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by hahn and patrickolemouche. Top Tippery by cowjam Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Cheeky cunt award goes to Red Rocket who states, "I have nothing whatsoever to contribute to the newsletter, but it would make my dreary little week if you'd give me a special mention (a nice one of course) in the thanks bit of the email anyway. After all, as you say, nobody reads that bit. Go on, do it for little old me." Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word, props and respec' to tha b4ta posse of 30-something mums and dads. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: To clear your stuffed nose press your tongue as hard as you can into the roof of your mouth then push your finger between your eyebrows and up a little bit. Do that a few times and you should feel all that snot dribble down the back of your throat. Mmm. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive