we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "WHY HAS SHILPA NOT APOLOGISED FOR 9/11?" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * RUDE ROUTERS - a sub 'That's Life' feature * AUSTRALIAN MPS - Our favourite quotes * WIKIDEATH - You killed 'em, we print 'em ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then speak to us using your finger mouths. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Squirrels, banknotes and mobile phone trickery >> Tufty the squirrel is very naughty << "Remember Tufty, the cute road safety squirrel from years gone by?" demands Dr.A. "I've found DVD copies of all his harmless exploits - and, of course, turned them into something horrible." Yay. Nothing we like better than seeing our innocent childhood memories horrible desecrated. Good pay-off too. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Tufty_the_Squirrel_is_ve... >> Bank note notes << "When was the last time money made you think?" was the question occupying the B3ta /talk boards not so very long ago. Inspired, acid_kewpie put together a site encouraging people to write questions on bank notes and post pictures. Unlike fly posting or handing out leaflets, banknotes have an inherent value so chances are your message will be seen by a load of people over the life-span of the note. http://de-noted.com >> 'It's Tricky' vid << Wordbomb is clearly pleased with the flicky opening action of his snazzy mobile phone. Combine that with a dose of boredom in the office and epic silliness is bound to ensue. Clever vid to Run DMC's classic using mostly a mobile phone and some post-its. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/386032/its_flicky/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK My Collection Last week we asked to hear about the strange things you collect: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/ * GENIE IN A BOTTLE "As a kid, my brother once tried collecting his farts. He approached the whole business quite scientifically; for a maladjusted sinister little bastard. He secreted an old Nescafe jar into the bathroom and filled it to the brim with water. Every time he needed a trumpetation in the bath, he'd submerge the jar upside down, unscrew the top, push it next to his fun junction, and let rip. Once the cloud of goodness was trapped, he'd re-screw the air-tight lid underwater and replace the jar on the bathroom shelf. Voila..." (geegee) * LEGO TRAUMA "A while back, one of my friends had a small collection of rudimentary assembled lego toys on top of his wardrobe. So, while he was out of the room getting us a drink I did the obvious and took them all apart and feverishly rebuilt them into something resembling a pixelated cock and balls. I expected him to at least smile but he turned round and looked at me as if I'd just suggested some casual rape fun with his mother. "What?" I asked. "My lego!" He squealed with tears in his eyes and I started to get a little worried. "They were the first things I ever built! I was three! My mother kept them for me! They've not been touched in 16 years!" He finished, now openly crying. I swallowed hard and then should have just waited forlornly for the ground to swallow me up after merrily destroying his childhood in two minutes of misguided mirth. Instead I felt my mouth open and heard myself say, "You don't like the cock then?" (Gleeballs) * TUBULAR I collect records. I spent three years assembling a collection of Tubular Bells (by Mike Oldfield). 100 copies of it. I love having them as a collection, but ideally I'd like to play them all at the same time. Anyone out there want to lend me 100 record decks? I've catalogued them all too. (iivix) http://www.iivix.com/tubular_bells.html >> This Week's Question << We'd like to hear about the weird kid in your class. http://b3ta.com/questions/mycollection/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> The one-dollar compound microscope << Exactly what you'd expect - step-by-step instructions on how to make your own high-quality compound microscope using bits of old wood and the lenses from disposable cameras. Nice project - particularly if you happen to have some very small things you're keen on getting a good look at. http://www.funsci.com/fun3_en/ucomp1/ucomp1.htm >> Dogshit catch bag << There really is a good argument to be made for putting decorative trousers on pets - it's nasty having to look at their naked arseholes all day long. Perhaps we should get the TV fixed. On the other hand, although this strange contraption means your dog doesn't leave its crap everywhere, it seems wrong on so many levels. From the accordian-like poo bag filling up to the little turdy howdah your canine chum is supposed to wear. Wrong. http://www.flabber.nl/archief/017859.php >> Crazy lady sings to kids << Here's a peculiar thing - this woman has clearly been spending too much time cooped up at home with her children. She's released an album of the odd little songs she croons to her kids about the things they get up to. We recommend 'The Poo Song' as particularly typical. Also noteworthy, the plasticine models she has made of her family. http://www.singtome.com.au >> Jade Goody fansite forums << The major entertainment story of the week seems to have come from Celebrity Big Brother, with chav extraordinaire Jade mining a deep vein of racism in her spat with Bollywood actress Shilpa Shetty. As you'd expect, her fansite's forums make for some mighty fine reading and it's nigh-impossible to tell the trolls from Jade's more 'speshul' fans. Standout quotes: "EYE CUN NOT BALIEVE HOW JAYLEOUS U ALL R!" and "Why has Shilpa not apologised for 9/11?" Yup, it's that good. http://www.jadegoodyonline.com/forums/viewforum.ph... >> Katie Price and Peter Andre sing! << It had to happen, we suppose. Top celebrity couple Katie Price (glamour model) and Peter Andre (early 90s pop sensation) have released an album of their musical stylings. Sadly, you can't listen online but the many, many, many customer reviews may give you an idea of what you're missing. http://snipurl.com/ho_ho_ho ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Like animated gifs, but with sound >> Australian politics << You might remember Midnight Oil, Australian political rockers, who had in a hit in the UK 'Beds are Burning'. But did you know the lead singer ended up as an MP down-under? Here's one of the opposition mocking his dancing and lyrics in parliament to score a few points. We're moving to OZ. It looks so much more fun than the UK. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> The real Borat? << Enjoying this song, particularly the mix of ethnic singing and cheesy autotune (Cher's I Believe) production. So odd that with the right promotion this could even be a hit. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xww7o_mohamed-azn... >> Funny French? << Finally, a sign that the French are moving their humour on from mime and shouting 'le roast beef' at English people. They've only gone and made an amusing commercial for a TV channel. Regardez. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Cooking breaks << We once saw a chap called Beardy Man do a beatbox thing at an event at London's ICA. We chatted to him afterwards and said, "you've got to get this stuff out on the web, people are going to go mad for it." It looks like Youtube is his new friend and we have a star in the making. Great stuff. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Cooking_breaks ------------------------------------------------- : AUSTRALIAN MPS Our favourite quotes In tribute to our earlier video link, here's a handful of things Antipodean politicos have said which amuse us: BTW: Here's a couple of our favourite quotes from Australian MPs. * "I was implying that the Honourable Member for Wentworth was like a lizard on a rock - alive, but looking dead." * "I suppose that the Honourable Gentleman's hair, like his intellect, will recede into the darkness." * "That you Jim? Paul Keating here. Just because you swallowed a fucking dictionary when you were about 15 doesn't give you the right to pour a bucket of shit over the rest of us." * And finally in Melbourne a few years back there was a lot of noise in the media after one politician accused another of "having a couple of kangaroos loose in the top paddock". (Thanks to Mike Trinder for supplying these quotes via his surprising memory for such things.) ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Still shit, skip this bit if you like >> "My school has the best names" << Miss Sausage brags, "At my school we've got a lot of teachers with interesting names, featuring Miss J Maycock, Mr P Brain, Mr Paul Dixon (middle initial is M, rumoured to be My), Mrs A Cocca, Mrs K Cumming and "Mrs L Tkocz" (try pronouncing it)." Hmm. We wonder what your teachers are going to make of you sending this in? We've changed your name to protect your identity... http://snipurl.com/leavethemkidsalone >> Mrs Mendham << "Here's one for your nominative determinism", squeals McCharf, "My old school nurse was called Mrs Mendham. Apparently she still works there - under In Case of Illness." http://snipurl.com/cockmonkeys ------------------------------------------------- : WIKI-DEATH Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear A few weeks ago we mentioned the game of changing famous people's Wikipedia entries and seeing how long they ask. We feel a little guilty about this, as Wikipedia is really great, but sod it, we asked you to do it anyway. * "Michael Winner has now been dead for nearly 48 hours. Do I win £5?" (wormwood) * "Managed to kill off Justin Lee Collins for 6 hours and 24 minutes on Monday, from 12.43 till 19.07. If only it had been permanent!" (Matt) * "Hey hey hey, I killed Pat Sharp! It's now nearly 24 hours later and he's still dead - do I win?" (painreliever) * "Will Young - 21 mins, Jade Goody - Still dead even after subsequent edits, Paul Burrell - Still dead, Peter André - Still dead, Jordan (Katie Price) - Still dead Tom Cruise - 1 min (bastards). I got a bit bored after that." (chrisduffer) * And finally, it looks like it reached the papers, nina_buchan writes, "I was guzzling tea and leafing through today's (16/01/07) copy of Metro in the work canteen when something caught my eye. Lo, a small article about a distraught Marti Pellow (of Wet Wet Wet 'fame') fan who had looked up said star on Wikipedia and discovered to her knicker-wetting horror that he died last Friday. Only he didn't really. Can't think how that happened." http://lewry.com/media/pellow_death.gif ------------------------------------------------- : RUDE ROUTERS Your naughty names for your wireless networks A few weeks ago we mentioned that the Official B3ta HQ network is called 'cunt' mainly to annoy the neighbours, and you've written in in your droves to tell us the inappropriate language you're locally broadcasting: * "My computer detects a network called 'Outrageous Sexy Nuns'" (Odradek) * "I've got a Bluetooth phone, bored with the usual "Barry's Fone", decided to get straight to the point: "Fuck Off". BTW: My wireless is FuckOffNoseyCunts." * "For yonks I broadcast "You are gay" until I moved house and it turned out that next door actually were. Probably still are for all I know, I changed it to 'I like you'" (Dermot O Logical) * "Netgear? I changed it to Netqueer." (littlemsbroccoli) * "I recently came across a network named tam_is_a_fat_cunt_ask_cliff. Makes a change from "WRT54g" I guess." (matt) * "I've also had fun with the SSID for my wireless router. My favourite so far has been PASSWORD_SNIFFER." (Grampa) ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Army Recruitment Challenge Last week we wanted you to come up with reasons to join the army. Your favourites included: * THE GREAT ESCAPE - war? it's just like a computer game (Hummel) * PICTURE PUZZLE - probably too testing to work in real life, but a commendable approach to recruitment nonetheless (Manic) * WIN AN iPOD - banks do it to attract young customers, why not the army? (Count Vanderhoff) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/join_the_army/ >> New challenge: United Kingdom Of France << France and Britain held secret talks in the 1950s with a view to becoming a single, unified nation. How would this barmy scheme have affected life and popular culture in both countries? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/united_kingdom_of_fr... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. GLOBAL WARMING - we were puzzled as to why water levels would rise with the melting polar ice caps as water expands when it freezes. Syncubus engaged mighty brain and told us "The ice that is melting is not floating in the ocean. It is on land-masses and rushing into the sea." That seems to cover it and we will be far less perplexed when the waves finally come lapping up Kentish Town Road. CILLIT BANG - Woo! "After a long long stream of issues with licensing and promoting and that bollocks, Cillit Bang is out this Monday for definite," beams sonic b3tard Jakazid. He's speaking, of course, of his dance remix of the iconic household cleanser ad. "It's been hilarious seeing fans of 'happy hardcore' arguing that this track will kill their 'scene' so I can't wait," he continues. "Thanks for your support on this. Doubt the track would be so popular if it weren't for your hosting and promotion from the beginning." http://www.cillitbangremix.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Rube Goldburger machine Arrange the pieces of this convoluted machine so that it delivers a nice burger and shake for your dinner. Just tough enough to be a bit of a challenge and very pleasing when you finally get it right. http://flowmachine.free.fr/wiiflow/wii4/lunchtime.... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include: * MANUFACTURE OF USB BOURBONS - HappyToast and Ironman Tetsuo write, "Ideally I see them as rubber-coated memory sticks, with the rubber coating being made of a similar stuff to the old 1980's smelly rubbers so that the USBourbons actually smell like Bourbon biscuits, especially when the warmth of the connected computer affects them. I've sent emails out to various memory stick makers and am anxiously awaiting replies, but the B3ta newsletter reaches more techno-geeks than I can on my own..." http://b3tards.com/u/321d45c74819655268e1/bourbond... * HARDSHIP FUND CALCULATOR - Sambo writes, "I am one of those tax-dodging benefit-taking students that gets money off the government from something called the 'hardship fund'. My mate, who works for his money, wanted to know what percentage of his taxes go towards me. ie. how much is he contributing to my drinking and sleeping lifestyle? I would like to know if anyone has the computer know-how to make a program that calculates the answers." * RELIABLE WAY OF GETTING TAX-FREE TOBACCO - We've been annoying our mates too long with, "Oh, you're visiting Amsterdam are you? Pick us up some Amber Leaf." Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by coolchick365, difficultchild, ihardcastle and Humpty Dumpty Top Tippery by Jack Rarebit Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. W00t to b4ta. (We normally say about 150,000) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Want to make that classic Hammer Horror "smoking beaker" effect in your own home, but can't get dry ice anywhere? Acquire a soda-stream bottle (the big ones) and put a marble against the valve stem. Put a double-layer of tight cloth around the whole valve area and press the cylinder down hard on the marble, against a tabletop or suchlike. The cylinder must be valve-down to do this. Solid carbon dioxide will accumulate rapidly in the material and can be forced out in a lump (carefully, it can give you a nasty freeze burn). Drop this lump into someone's drink for that chilly, drifting fog effect. n.b. - it's not harmful, but don't let them swallow the dry ice! next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive