we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR 'TRAMPVENT' CALENDAR" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VIDEO - Return of Arsonist Sam * COKE - Are they ripping off Rathergood.com? * SHIT - Lots of fecal stories ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << The chaps who handle the ads for B3ta have asked Jonti to make a lovely Christmas card. This is what he came up with. http://www.w00tmedia.net/christmas/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Women, Coke and Arson >> "Do it woman!" << We can't help but feel sorry for Jeccy's poor put-upon 'woman' character. She has to deal with the escalatingly unreasonable demands of her suburban despot boyfriend. "Wrestle bears, woman!" "Burn the Jews, woman!" http://snipurl.com/doitwoman >> Is Coke ripping off Rathergood? << Argentine branch of Coke is running an advert striking similar to Joel's 'Flip out like a Ninja' song, which we launched in this very newsletter. Full story, video stylee, here: http://snipurl.com/cokerathergood >> Arsonist Sam returns (briefly) << We love custardy's charmingly mean-hearted reversal of kids' TV favourite Fireman Sam. Here's a very short new adventure. We want more, custardy - more, dammit! http://www.b3ta.com/links/Arson_Sam_short ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK School Trips We wanted to hear about the chaos that always takes place on school trips: http://b3ta.com/questions/schooltrips/ Here's three shit ones: * POO-TUBE "Didn't we have a luvverly time the day we went to Jodrell Bank space telescope? Well, no, not really. We were about eight or nine, and Mavourneen started whining about halfway up the motorway that she needed a shit. So our teacher Mrs Woods forced all of us to move into the front half of the coach (which meant perching on any available knee of the slightly older delegation from another - much rougher - school that we didn't even fucking know, inevitably leading to all kinds of "now we know your boy/girlfriend" taunts) while she used all of our coats to make a feeble impromptu 'curtain' across the rear half. She then 'borrowed' a tube of Pringles off fattie Briggs (even this lardfelcher was NOT going to be asking for it back) , gave us one each to keep us 'occupied', and, still munching on a sizeable handful herself, embarked upon the distinctly audible (and highly balletic) process of coaxing Mavourneen into a breathtakingly dexterous bout of bum-sniper-tastic precision pooing at 55mph in the slow lane. Apparently she was doing alright until it started to curl. Afterwards, Mrs Woods threw the vile scud from the moving coach window, and told us in no uncertain terms that any further mention of the incident would result in a week of after-school sums. By the time we got to Jodrell (rubbish) half an hour later, entire classes from two different schools had racked up detentions lasting until sometime in mid-2026." (grey kid) * POOL SHIT "We went to the swimming pool every Friday for the ritual humiliation of baring our bodies to classmates so we could be mocked for years afterwards about our fat / hair / birthmarks / no tits etc. But at the end of each term, we were allowed to mess about with snorkels and masks. This provided a great opportunity to swim beneath Judy B in order to get a cod's eye view of her love mound. It also led to the situation where Adam S, a portly boy with freckles, had a dump in the pool. The high fat and corn content in the log caused it to bob heartily in his wake: the sadistic paedo swimming instructor ordered everyone out of the pool to avert a hygiene scandal. Everyone fled the pool like that scene in Jaws - everyone except John K, who surfaced from the deep directly below the Trident sub that was Adam's stool. As we gasped, it narrowly missed his breathing tube. As we winced, it settled with amazing accuracy on the top of his mask, shelf-like. Imagine how it must have seemed to him, surfacing to see his classmates screaming and pointing at him. Imagine the sensation as he slipped off the mask to ask "WHAT?!" ... and slicked the still warm turd back through his hair. He used a whole bottle of shampoo later." (frankspencer) * BAG-O-SHITE "We were all going on a trip to France in first year. The bus was full of 11-year-olds and four teachers who were trying to be 'cool' and show how hip they were. A friend of mine was playing Dares with a few other guys; they dared my friend to take a dump in a brown paper bag. He does it. The bag gets passed around, much to everybody's dismay, one of the teacher notices the fuss. "What's going on here then?" "Nobody wants to pop the bag, sir" "You wusses, give it here then." *SPLAT* To this day, I've never heard children screaming so loud." (Tony_) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you to cruellest Secret Santa presents. Giving anonymously is SO much fun. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/secretsanta/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA BOOKS Desperate "last push for the Xmas market" Stuck for inspiration for what to buy your mum this Christmas? Why not our Book of Sick Jokes? Or even 'A Hand in the Bush: the Fine Art of Vaginal Fisting.' We've put all your favourites into a list for your buying pleasure. Please buy our book, else the kittens will be cold this Christmas. http://astore.amazon.co.uk/b3ta-21 ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ear fastener for oral condom patent << Google has released a new search engine for sniffing around patents. Every page is a winner - we just typed in "anal sex" and came up with a pile of unlikely devices to make bumfun more convenient and hygenic. http://snipurl.com/thisisjustwrong >> Trampvent calendar << This redesign of the traditional Christmas countdown with the addition of multiple boozes couldn't be any better or, indeed, any simpler. So good, why restrict it to Christmas - why not every month? http://www.alexisblue.co.uk/phpBB2/viewtopic.php >> 40 best celebrity rumours << From Prince Harry's dubious parentage to J Edgar Hoover being a cross dresser to Keanu Reeves marrying David Geffen, all your favourite, but probably untrue, stories are listed here. It's like 10 years of condensed popbitch but without the constant references to monkeys. http://snipurl.com/bigsillylist ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Piglet squid One man's cute is another man's, er, well, not poison. What we're trying to say is that this peculiar-looking beastie is cute to us. Kind of. We give you... the piglet squid. http://squid.us/piglet-squid/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Sod Youtube, all the cool kids use Revver now >> In-joke scream << We can't believe we've never covered the 'Wilhelm Scream' before. It's a sound effect originally made for a 1951 western that wound up in Warners' sound library and hence into so many other films that it's become a kind of geeky in-joke. Here's a montage of notable Wilhelm Scream appearances; as you can see, Spielberg is a particular aficionado. http://www.panopticist.com/archives/215.html >> Horse balls << As if just the name and the URL were not enough, the makers of these equine recreational aids have produced an explanatory video. A major benefit is they "cut down on stable vices like cribbing, wind-sucking, pawing or digging." http://www.horseballs.com/user/video-intro-qt.html >> Bush's United States of Whatever << Great to see the now-legendary "Whatever" by Liam Lynch back in this animated recap of George W Bush's troubled administration. http://snipurl.com/svza >> Line Rider at the slopes << We featured this game way back in newsletter 249 - you draw a line which forms a slope for a little toboggan-riding dude. We were shit at it then and we are shit at it now, but the author of this has done something quite spectacular with it - there's extraneous detail, even. You could say he has too much time on his hands - but then they probably said that about Leonardo da Vinci. http://snipurl.com/bestlinerideryet >> Xmas kitten << "Oh no! Stuck in a mitten! Merry Christmas, Christmas kitten." Baffling, bizarre and clearly foreign, a music video Christmas card. They clearly had a lot of fun making this and we're not sure who the joke is on. Still fantastic though. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Stop sending this shit in, we hate you >> Dildo, Newfoundland << Dildo and neighbouring South Dildo are small Canadian communities on the southern Dildo arm of Trinity Bay. Fish processing is a major business, along with, presumably, hordes of people coming to mock their name. http://snipurl.com/wikidildos >> Bald Knob Marina << According to the website Bald Knob Marina is situated on 'Pistakee Lake'. Surely to goodness no; this cannot be real? http://www.baldknobmarina.com/ >> Dr Kevin De Cock << There's a term for people whose name relates to their profession with spooky synchronicity. We can't remember what it is, but we're sure someone will remind us. In the meantime, Dr De Cock is the director of the HIV/Aids department of the World Health Organisation. http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/6176209.stm ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Global Warming Challenge Last week we wanted the positive benefits of climate change to be revealed. Your favourites included: * LONDON AIR - Spectacularly realised vision of our capital as the water level rises (Penultimate Straw) * NORTHERN LINE - Travel by tube will never be the same again (golddust) * DRIVING - Roundabouts will no longer be easy to navigate. Unless you're driving a yacht (Biggus Dickus) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/global_warming/ >> New challenge: Sick Christmas Cards << Christmas is coming, the goose is getting fat, it's almost time to kill the bastard thing. So celebrate the season by designing sick, rude, inappropriate or silly Christmas cards. Challenge suggested by Freddred. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/sick_christmas_cards... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * CRAPTIC CROSSWORD - "Thanks for putting me in the newsletter," beams baldmonkey. "You can't imagine how much it means to someone who is as much of an attention whore as I am. You made a pathetic cunt very happy." The answers are as follows, Across: 1. Butt Plug, 3. Spunk, 5. Bastard, 7. Piss, 9. Cock, 12. Soapy tit wank. Down: 2. Gang Rape, 4. Wanker, 6. Twat, 8. Sodomy, 10. Cunt, 11. Mother Fucker. (Take that spam filters!) * SNOWMAN - "Loved the snowman ad in the newsletter," writes expf. "I have a lady friend, who adores The Snowman and watches (or rather watched) it every year, because it's 'part of Christmas'. To avoid this, and not have to watch that sentimental pap again, because it is on EVERY year, simply sing along: 'I'm wanking in your hair, I'm spluffing in it while you sleep. I've come so may times you're sticking to the sheets...' Instantly memorable, and bound to save an hour more of Xmas for stuffing your face 'because you've ruined it'." * JURY SERVICE TOP TIP - Chom tells us, "I'm currently temping as an electoral form cross-checker for the council. Writing 'I'm not a nig-nog' wouldn't get you out of jury duty. If you want to do that tick that you're over 70. No jury duty if you're not found out... a thousand pound fine if you are." * EVIL CRACKER JOKES DEPLOYED - "I used the B3ta Sick Cracker Jokes", joshes Todd the Groincrusher, "to great effect today. Look. See." http://www.b3ta.com/talk/2292427 ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Nintendo advent calendar Unlike most online advent calendars, which are shit, this one offers you something good - almost as good as the actual chocolate you get with a real one. The game is, basically, Mario as a snowman - but that's no bad thing at all. http://www.mission-in-snowdriftland.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * JAP'S EYE LIP-SYNC - Take your old chap in hand, stick on some Barry White and let the cock karaoke commence. Oh yeah, and film it. And stick it on GooTube. * CASHFORKITTENS.COM - you upload kittens, others vote on the cutests and we all split the adsense profits. * BBEDIT FOR THE PC - we're fed up with having to flit between a Mac and a PC simply because BBedit is superior to any text editor we've ever used. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by citizenloz, Andeh, ratking, yermom, eight, collapsibletank, chris sunshine, sharleyq, Che Grimsdale, Wormulus and the b3ta talk massive Top Tippery by Fenris Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Rape to b4ta. (4) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: You can delete incorrect form data from your autocomplete by highlighting it and hitting shift+del. Useful if you have mistyped something before and now it keeps popping up and irritating you. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive