we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "HEIL HONEY, I'M HOME" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * HIPPOS - More hippos that you could ever want * VOTE - Bill Gates for President? * RANT - Why keyboards are shite ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << We're running 'naked ad week' this week, all enquiries will be answered in the nude. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Hippos, Climate Change, Keyboards >> Loads and loads and loads of hippos << This week the B3ta boarders have been getting obsessed with hippos and this is a joyous thread indeed. Woo for hippos and woo for the people who photomash them up. http://b3ta.com/board/6575932 >> Global warning << Inspired, he insists, by the eerie sight of a wasp in November, Pesky Young Scamp knocked up a terrifying, but musical, climate change warning. Like the peculiar polar bear ending. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Rob hates keyboards << B3ta's ginger fuhrer heatedly rants about What is Wrong With Keyboards Nowadays in the hope that "somehow my message will reach the Gods Who Create Keyboards and they'll design a special keyboard, just for me. And then I can die, happy." In the interests of clarity, we should point out he also hates keyboards with white keys, as they show the marks from his mucky, street-urchin fingers. http://snipurl.com/top10_keybs_are_shit ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Debt Pron We wanted to know just how stupidly in debt you all were. Very stupidly, it seems: http://b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/ In amongst the sea of huge debts run up simply trying to eat, this stands out as a gem of reckless spending: "When drunk a few years ago, I ordered 500 quid's worth of toilet paper. Yep, toilet paper. On a CapitalOne card. I had fun playing with it when it arrived, building forts and suchlike, but I only crap as much as the next bloke. It wasn't long before I realised what a complete fool I had been. Most of it was skipped a few weeks later. A mate of mine swears he didn't put the idea into my head when I was wankered, but I don't believe him. My parents (bless them), have recently given me £1k to help out with my financial problems. Maybe on his deathbed I'll tell my father where £500 of that actually went." (Slagmaster) >> This Week's Question << We'd want your body modifications that went wrong. Did you stick something through your dangly bits and regret it? It's not always alluring: ThatBlokeThere has already posted, "there's that many bits of metal in there that it often sounds like some fucker is playing the spoons in his pants." Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/bodymodification/ ------------------------------------------------- : BOLLOCKS TO THE 'WAR ON TERROR' Sponsored link Bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks bollocks. It's pure bollocks. http://www.waronterrortheboardgame.com ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Bill Gates for president? << Blokey who draws the Dilbert cartoon wants Bill Gates for the next US President. Firstly we thought no to the Kermit-faced geek, as windows is gay and rubbish, but on sober reflection he might have a point. Gates is financially shrewd, does tons of work for starving, poor black people in Africa and helps with the AIDS. Frankly he's a new Diana for our times. And he's less likely to be as warmongering as the current bible-bashing retard that occupies the White House today. Bring it on. http://snipurl.com/wedvoteforhim >> Best Amazon list ever? << Last week your Ginger Fuhrer realised that he had a shelf in the front room that wasn't being utilised effectively as he couldn't reach it. Solution? Buy a step-ladder. In the process of doing some research into the exciting world of personal elevation, he found this rather curious list on Amazon entitled "My fave ladders!", including such gems as, The 3 Step by Hailo, "I love this one, it was here on the highest step that my wife first performed an act of oral love upon me" and Aluminium Combi Ladders, "It's cool metal against my buttocks is almost orgasmic." Brilliantly odd. http://snipurl.com/best_amazon_list >> 13 things that don't make sense << If we were writing this article we'd include * Why do men have nipples? * Why hasn't someone invented pants for cats so you don't have to look at their anus? * Why don't northerners feel the cold? However, the New Scientist wrote it instead, and filled it with rather interesting stuff about the the placebo effect. http://space.newscientist.com/article.ns >> Bid on Syd Barrett << Syd Barrett, acid-casualty singer of Pink Floyd, recently died and his estate went up for auction. We regret not bidding on this rather beautiful landscape which went for a song at £6k. Surely under-priced as it would be the perfect talking point for any pop-star's fuck-pit. But ignoring the money aspect, it's a lovely bit of work, and we're very happy that Syd continued being creative even after going bonkers. We hope his art brought him some inner-peace. Yay for Syd. http://snipurl.com/syd_we_love_you >> Rob's povvo corner << Another tip from your Fuhrer who mentions, "I need to buy some boozes as I'm having party (happy birthday to me) and Tesco.com was spacking out. Hence I shopped at Ocado. Just before I was about to pay I noticed a thing saying, "put your money off voucher here". So I googled 'ocado voucher' and found this site. So I got £10 off my drink order. Lots of other deals on the site. Great stuff." You heard him, remember a penny saved is two in the bush. Sort of. http://www.hotukdeals.com/main >> "My sister is a porn star" << Amusing thread featuring blokey meeting his half-sister for the first time and recognising her from films such as "Cum Sucking Whore Named Kacey" and the classic, "White Chicks Gettin' Black Balled 8". Movies he'd masturbated to on many a happy occasion. Jerry Springer should be booking this family now. http://snipurl.com/ha_ha_ha_ha ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO YouTube, have you heard of it? It's a new site... >> Heil Honey, I'm home! << The stuff of TV legend is finally available to view in its entirety on YouTube. One of the best concepts for a show we've ever seen, shame about the script. Larry David, if you're reading, buy the format rights and turn it into the truly hilarious comedy it deserves to be. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> 1920s cock cartoon << "Oi!", blurts Mozza, "I've found a 'what cartoon studios get up to when no one is looking' shorts, apparently from 1924 and made by one of the more reputable cartoon studios (Disney/Fleischer)." We like it because the main character shoots his own penis with a gun. Clever. http://www.guba.com/watch/2000904493 >> Monty mole Vs Live hamster << Some clever monkey has rebuilt the screens from the 80s computer game Monty Mole and filmed his pet as the lead character. Charming, genius even. This will be ripped off for an ad, mark our words. But who for? Rent-a-kill? http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER * HELL.COM is for sale. We care because the current owner is a Los Angeles software engineer, Jim Bumgardner. What a great name. Can we buy that instead? http://snipurl.com/jim_bumgardiner * OLAV DE KOCK - Jimvin writes, "Sounds like a Cockney homosexual. Michael Barrymore perhaps?" http://www.linkedin.com/pub/0/88b/a9b ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Extreme Panto Challenge Last week we asked you to show us what wildly inappropriate films and books you'd like to see 'panto'ed up' down at your local theatre. Your favourites included: * ESCHER - It's behind you! Oh no it's not! This panto will fuck with your head (Centaur) * SEVEN - Snow White puts the fear of God into Brad Pitt (1.618...) * MEIN KAMPF - Without a doubt, it's the role Joe Pasquale was born to play (londoner) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/ >> New challenge: Selling Celibacy << Our youth are in danger: STDs are everywhere, and unwanted pregnancies are on the rise. So how do we sell celibacy to teenagers? Show us, via the magic of image manipulation. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celibacy/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * RUDE OLD WIKIPEDIA - in the wake of our mentioning the encyclopaedia's kind of gratuitous entry on 'tit wank', we're indebted to embecla2003 for pointing us to the linked article on 'pearl necklace'. Nuff respect to the enterprising nerds who provided the accompanying... educational picture. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pearl_necklace_%28sex... * RECORD STORE CATS AD - "Hello," beams c_kick. "I wanted to show you the TV Commercial those Jamba chaps made for me. It's Swedish, which adds extra points to the hummus factor..." Nice one! Well done, mate. http://blog.hnldesign.nl/record-store-cats-tv-comm... * BRIAN BLESSED reads the B3ta Sick Joke book - or at least maybe. "I might be able to help on this front, he is my cousin," says Foxtrotlima. "I will get back to you in a couple of days, as he is out of the country atm. And he has a very sick sense of humour and would probably find this rather amusing." * TONY BLAIR JUGGLING PETITION - Manic's bid to have the PM stand on his head and juggle ice-cream has borne some fruit. To recap, the UK government is now letting members of the public set up petitions on its website. So far, 1,408 people have signed their support for Manic. Hehe. http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/ * WEEBL'S EBAY AUCTION has finished, raising an amazing £1,750 for Oxfam. "According to the Oxfam figures (in the e-bay listing), the winning bid will pay for the building of a classroom, and 20 textbooks, or they could buy an entire mango plantation. Thanks to all who bidded," writes skoo. They'll be starting on the cartoon as soon as they get the relevant details. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/news/614/auction-updat... * CYRIAK ON BBC NEWS - Brighton-based animator an all-round B3ta superstar Cyriak has made it onto BBC local news. "I'm crap at interviews," he harrumphs modestly, "and yes my mouse could do with a clean." Still, not bad going to be on the news with a big picture of your face under the headline 'Monster Hit'. Well done! http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Human Cannonball game Can you fire the little man onto the safe trampoline without killing him? So good, we didn't even notice that it's a promo for some mints until the official B3ta wife pointed it out. Gah, fuck it. Who cares, as long as it's fun. http://www.altoids.com/play.do ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BRITISH TEETH VS AMERICAN TEETH - a community photo quiz thingie. Upload your fangs and guess on the 'gnashernality' of others' filthy stumps. Would be more popular than that photo of Britney Spears with her flaps out. * KINETIC KEYBOARD - wireless keyboards are shit as you have to keep changing batteries. However, all that pressing of keys is kinetic energy. Hence could be used to charge a battery. This is where we get stuck. Can some physics geniuses write a page (with diagrams) on whether this is feasible? Or would you have to play a quick game of Daley Thompson's Decathlon to power it up? * A DYSON KEYBOARD HOOVER - that works for more than four minutes. For fuck's sake, what use is that? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob 'Hunk Hogan' Manuel with David 'Want that one' Stevenson. Stuff sent in by monkey12, jewishbagel, homosexualpuffbrian, retardsaregay and blicks. Top Tippery by the magic of the interwebs. You should get one, you know. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser 'Lesbian' Lewry. Mike 'Billy' Trinder does the QOTW, which we thank him for using our flippers. Happy Birthday to Rob, Happy Birthday to Rob, Happy Birthy Ginger Fuhrer, Sieg Heil Dear Rob. ACHTUNG! Oi, B4ta! Where's my presents! (Big number that's not an old phone number, err, thirty three, actually.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "Forget having to google for tips every Friday afternoon. Open a QOTW on B3ta and get internet monkeys to find them for you." http://www.b3ta.com/questions/toptips/ next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive