we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A SMIDGEN OF PIGEON IS JUST ENOUGH TO GIVE YOUR KIDS A TREAT, FULL OF PIGEONY GOODNESS UNTIL IT'S TIME TO EAT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * QUESTION - Tell us your debt woes * JIMMY SAVILE - Is he dead yet? * MUSIC - Diana, The Musical ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Need our love? Then speak using the mighty power of your fingers. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Stuff, nonsense, bollocks and filth >> Jimmy Savile death-watch << "To end the constant 'isn't he dead?' discussions in the office", whines Johnsto, "I've started up one of those 'blog' things to monitor and chronicle how dead Jimmy Savile is. It gets updated every few hours with the latest developments; if death-shy Jimmy dies, it'll be there sort of pronto. Not a lot has happened thus far, but I have a good feeling about next Thursday." Fingers crossed. http://jimmysavilledeathwatch.blogspot.com/ >> Craptic crossword << Baldmonkey has been annoying the fuck out of our messageboards for months now, but he's done one thing that makes his existence on this miserable planet worthwhile. He's upgraded the humble crossword and filled it with shit. Yep, every clue and every answer is turdicular. Print it out and stick it your bog. Hopefully answers will be provided next week. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/craptic.gi... >> Polaroids in the post << McAllister asks, "Have you ever tried popping a stamp on a Polaroid and dropping it in the post? Or better still, send us one. It's like a really low tech Flickr." http://www.postcardpolaroid.com/ >> Caption my kitten << Last week we asked you to build a site with the above title. Doktorrob gambols in and mews, "Because I'm an unimaginative bastard, I went ahead and knocked it up. It's got kittens, it's got captions, and it's utterly, utterly pointless." Indeed, and good luck with the Adsense earnings. http://www.captionmykitten.com/ >> Inexplicable real world game << "Hi", bubbles European Chris, "I'm hosting a game in London on December the 9th-might be of interest to you guys. Basically it involves running around London getting messages and scaring the fuck out of strangers by saying they have nice shoes." To be honest we can't make head or tail of it, however, Wikipedia tells us that one of the designers also worked on the enormously popular and press-worthy I Love Bees game, and we don't want to look stupid by missing out on the Next. Big. Thing. http://cruelgame.com/about/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Beautiful but Bonkers We've been asking you to tell us mucky stories about ex-partners who were as sexy as turnips but completely mentalated. It's steamy stuff, and frankly all of the stories are way too long for our lovely newsletter. Read them on the site. Bring your own tissues. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bonkers/ >> Debt Pron << As a change of gear (well, Mike who normally sets the questions is on a wanking holiday in Wales), we're asking you about your debt problems. Already it's clear, you lot need some serious financial advice. Especially the bloke who's now living in Spain having run up £25k worth of debts in the UK. Anyone reading who works on those Bank of Mummy or the Wife shows? Book this bloke now, he needs an intervention. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/debtpron/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Richard Hammond's What Not to Drive << The diminutive motoring journalist gives his views on the cars you really don't want to be driving. Although, as one comment already says, he would have been well-advised to include '300mph rocket car' on that list... http://snipurl.com/oh_richard >> "Google compromised my national security!" << Over on The Register they've been running a Google Earth competition to 'spot the black helicopter'. The entries have flooded in, with nice clear satellite photographs of a variety of US air-bases, docks and military facilities. How handy! (Yes it's old, but it's gooood.) http://snipurl.com/k5k0 >> Milli Vanilli-style shenanigans? << Fascinating blind story from a guy purporting to be a show-biz lawyer. An unnamed female pop star owes her entire success to the efforts of a self-effacing session singer. Is it real or just a wind-up - and who is the celebrity involved? http://snipurl.com/is_it_real >> MSPaint porn << Sex-crazed web perverts go wild with Microsoft's premium spack-handed free drawing program. The results may well be NSFW depending on the talent of the individual concerned. They're certainly meant to be. http://www.mspaintporn.net/index2.html >> Diana: The Musical << Inspired by the tragical death of the Queen of Our Hearts, two ardent fans decided the best way to express their grief was in the form of a Broadway biographical musical. And isn't it just! Particularly recommend 'Charles, I need help!" http://www.jmrproductions.com/princess_diana/ >> Tit wank on Wikipedia << It's always a joyous thing when you look up rude words in the dictionary or encyclopaedia and find they're really there. The accompanying illustration is merely the icing on the cake (so to speak). http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tit_wank >> Camera geek-out << Here's an interesting thing: the photo-sharing site Flickr has been trying to gather information on the cameras people are using, or at least make a good guess. They've made graphs of the most popular. Not only is that great for nosy nerds like us, but we can think of worse ways to decide what camera to buy... http://www.flickr.com/cameras/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Or just go to YouTube and search for 'tits' >> Racist Kramer << It's been all over the news of course, Seinfeld actor Michael Richards went absolutely mental on stage, lambasting some Afro-American hecklers. Here's the whole thing captured on camera phone. It's not pleasant: he should probably have stuck to the slapstick. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Global lightswitch << Nice idea for a short film - bloke discovers an enormous rope hanging from the sky. Can he resist pulling it? Of course not. http://www.paranoidprojects.com/popup.php ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Shit on our face, it would be more fun * WORTH IT FOR THE TAGLINE - looks like a toppy bear to us. http://www.muskokalakesrealestate.com/ * "I was on holiday round Ireland earlier this year, and came across this town..." (Thanks paolobyram) http://snipurl.com/ideal_for_lezzers * "Vag Valves. And their mascot? A beaver! Yes, a beaver!" (Cheers to lloydmorgan) http://www.vag-valvecontrol.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : FREEBEE COMPO TIME Forget your 40k debt problem and win, Win, WIN! >> Retro-gaming scarfs << Boarder Account88888 has been busy getting elves to knit scarfs with Space Invader and Scramble designs. We've got three to give away if you can can think of a funny completing of the following sentence, "I love 8-bit gaming because..." You can also, of course, buy these if you fancy it, and you should, for they are ace. http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/24/retro-scarf-co... >> Rathergood toys << Last week we gave you the beyond exciting opportunity to win some of Joel Veitch's soft toys in exchange for you filling in the tiebreaker, "If I was Joel Veitch for the day I would..." Winning answers included * "Rape The Queen in her gaping anus" (Noctu) * "Murder every cunt that had ever crossed me in one glorious day of vengeance" (Ben) * "I’d have a cock! So masturbate till my cock blistered and my palms bled" (Ree) * "Treat the Mrs. to 8 seconds of love. Just the once" (Mong The Merciless Says) http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/15/rathergood-com... ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the McCartney Challenge Last week we wanted to you to 'shop Paul McCartney. You didn't let us down. Your favourites included: * SAVE THE BEATLES - Fuck the seals, here's a real endangered species. (thiswasmyclone) * GOLD-DIGGER - It's true. The old ones really are the best. Especially when they're animated. (Vulthoom) * MICHELANGELO - The Creation Of Adam gets that long-awaited makeover. (The Great Architect) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macca/ >> New challenge: Extreme Panto << It's Pantomime season! So show us what wildly inappropriate film/book etc. you'd like to see 'panto'ed up' down at your local theatre. Challenge suggested by Hamster Trippin' http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/panto/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * MAXIMUM SPAMMAGE - "So much for the 'Bland Newsletter Title' last week," sighs piercedmetalfreak. "My spam filter gave issue 256 'Jesus Christ's Cock up Virgin Mary's Arse' a spam rating of 213.009, but issue 257 'Bland Newsletter Title' got a whopping 5203.853 rating of spaminess. Congratulations B3ta, you managed to best my and my colleague's day long attempt to find the maximum spam rating by sending each other increasingly filthy emails." * NEWSLETTER 'MAGIC NUMBER' - geekcat enquires, "Re: the number at the end of issue 253... is it the phone number of someone you know? Perhaps they didn't appreciate getting a prank call from the other side of the world." It was Ginger Fuhrer Rob's childhood phone number, in fact. Just one of many, many Wolverhampton-based hidden messages secreted in the texts of past newsletters. Can you find them all? ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MYTEACHERSMADEMESPUFF.CO.UK - "After the link to RateMyTeacher in the last newsletter, I was slightly taken aback to see that my comments would be moderated. I really wanted to pass comment on how hot some of my teachers were." (Rotating Wobbly Hat) * CHRIS TARANT SWEARDUKO - "The current Tarant advert for the brain improver game where he is in the Taxi reciting four obscure words repeatedly. Change the obscure words to Fuck, Tart, Loose, Wife. Please see to it" (tim.muuk) * BRIAN BLESSED READS SICK JOKES - we reckon than an audio book CD thing with Brian shouting out jokes like, "What's got one ball and fucks prostitutes? Peter Sutcliffe's hammer! would be a smash." The publisher hasn't replied to our emails, even the one going, "Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it. Let's do it." Can you ask them for us? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Tony Howat, Guy Hellier and ged Top Tippery by posh financial chappy. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Badgers to B4ta. (05121973) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: We asked a posh financial person about what to do about all the debtors on our boards, as frankly we're worried about you. He said, "tell them to go see a non-profit debt counsellor." This is sound advice, take it. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive