we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BLAND NEWSLETTER TITLE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * ART - Use your ZX81 to make beautiful pics * JESUS TEST - Are you more popular than Him? * COMPETITION - Win some Rathergood booty ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Is your marketing budget burning a hole in your pocket? We can help. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Jesus thing, ZX81 Art & Ninjas >> More popular than Jesus? << B3tards with memories like an elephants will remember our project "Which is better?" that used Google search results to calculate the unequivocal relative greatness of two things, by treating every web mention as a vote for good. B3tonian Chris goes one louder by fixing half the equation to Jesus so you can find out what stuff is more or less popular than your favourite bearded son of God. Tip: Jesus is more popular than B3ta, but sex wins every time. http://www.morepopularthanjesus.com/ >> ZX81 Artists << In a fit of demented retro whimsy we asked you if you could build us a multi-user drawing tool only using the graphic capabilities of a home computer from the early 80s. Rychan has come up trumps, you can even save your work in a gallery and check others stuff too. This is the social networking tool that Gary Numan dreamed of when he sang, "Are friends electric?" http://www.refreshcreations.co.uk/ZX81/ >> Ninjas! << "With the nights drawing in," informs Tedious, "I thought it might be a good idea to get the "be safe, be seen" road safety message the who really need it: ninjas." You know what? We thought this would be complete shit, who needs another ninja joke on the web, but we watched and could help ourselves from grinning. You will like it, you will. http://www.thomasscott.net/safety/ ------------------------------------------------- : THE NEVER TO BE REPEATED CHARITY SECTION So please don't flood us with begging letters >> Star in Weebl's next animation << Jonti Picking writes, "I'm helping out Oxfam. I was in the pub for a mates birthday and one of his chums is seeing someone that works for them. He asked me if I'd be interested in doing something that people could bid on." Yep, this is your chance to donate money to charity AND become super famous net-sexy by appearing in the legendary Weebl & Bob webtoon. Something to tell the grand-kids about anyway. http://snipurl.com/weebl_ebay >> Should You Be Laughing At This? << Speaking of doing stuff for charity, a lovely lady called Anna from Penguin Books has been hassling us for weeks to link to a website to promote a book called "Should You Be Laughing At This?" She's utterly convinced that it's the type of book B3ta readers would love. Partly to shut her up and partly because we fancied doing something nice, we've agreed to her little scheme on the proviso that she sends 40 or so children's books to our local (state run) nursery. Anyways, have a look at her site, knowing that some under 4s in Camden now have lots of new books thanks to you, dear readers, thanks to you. http://www.shouldyoubelaughingatthis.co.uk/ ------------------------------------------------- : WIN WIN WIN Rathergood competition In the spirit of trying something slightly different, we've set up a small competition to win some of Joel Veitch's new range of soft toys. Basically you have to complete the tie breaker, "If I was Joel for a day I would..." and then add it to the comment thread on this here blog. If it goes well, we'll run another competition next week. Or not, depends on whether we can be arsed really. http://www.robmanuel.com/2006/11/15/rathergood-com... ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 25 Sickest jokes ever, Gov stuff & Macca >> More sick joke book stuff << Possibly you're fed up to your back teeth of us banging on about the B3ta book, but one of our aims from the start was to try and involve you lot with all stages of production. A kind of, "look, if we can do this stuff, then get of your arse and do something interesting yourself" approach. Anyways, getting a book into the shops is only half the battle, you also need to get newspapers to write about it. Here's the state of play so far, mentions in Zoo Magazine, Broadcast, The Guardian and The Evening Standard. Maybe you can help? Even writing a little review on Amazon is worthwhile. BTW: If all this is too dull for you, click the Zoo link as that has the 25 Sickest Jokes in one lovely page and it looks rather nice. http://snipurl.com/_25_sickest_jokes >> Petition the Government << Our lovely UK government has caught up with the Web 1996 stylee and is offering the facility for members of the public to make polls on their official website. B3tard Manic is petitioning Tony Blair to stick jelly on his head. Go on, sign it, it's not going to work, but it might annoy a few politicians and reach the papers. http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/juggle/ >> Frog chorus << Keeping with our image challenge theme this week of photoshopping Paul McCartney, wordbomb has been slicing together footage of explosions with Macca's pean to pond-bothering, The Frog Chorus. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Going Too Far Last week we asked wanted to hear tales from when someone you know went that little bit too far: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/ * CAT SEX "I once lived in a flat with a house cat. When rutting season came along and the alleys were full of wails and screeches, the poor female cat would be driven insane with horniness and rub her bottom on me all the time. I pitied the poor creature and wondered if I couldn't do something. So when my flatmate was out (it was her cat), I obtained a piece of plastic which seemed to correspond exactly to the kitty aperture. And I delicately inserted it thence while holding the scruff of her neck as male cats do with their teeth. She moaned. She wailed. She writhed. She growled. Then she rolled around ecstatically on her back with legs akimbo, fully satiated. I had done a good deed. Imagine, then, my feelings of embarrassment as my flatmate walked in to see me with the plastic cat penis poised... having just heard the moans and groans of her cat. "You fucked my cat!" she said. I had gone too far." (frankspencer) * HIT & RUN "One of my mates occasionally has too many when we go to the pub, and rather than leave his car there, has the nasty habit of driving home trolleyed. One night he did it when I was staying at his. I'd got up a few hours before him and happened to catch the local news. It turned out that some old duffer had been knocked over and killed by a hit and run driver the night before. Well... the opportunity was just too tempting. I almost ran to the town centre. I had three stops on my list: The butchers (pig's hearts are free if you ask nicely), the hairdressers (they look at you funny but they'll give you a bit of hair if you ask) and the off-Licence (you have to buy a local paper). After 2 minutes my master piece is ready for action. The car is doused in pig blood and little bits of flesh and hair, and the headlight is smashed. An hour later up he gets, still half asleep. He glances at the perfectly placed paper but thinks nothing of it. Then about half-an-hour later he goes out to his car. The look of slow realisation dawning on his face as he realised what must have happened was absolutely priceless, and worth any amount that the headlight would cost. Then it reached a new height of funny for me. He started almost crying saying that he'd have to turn himself in. At this point most people would have stopped, but not me... no way. I offered to go with him, and let him get all the way to the front door of the police station before I told him the truth." (Furness) * CURRY CAPERS "Myself and mates at my local set up a challenge to see who could nick the most innovative/difficult thing from a curry house. A couple of weeks later, we were at a party discussing who had "won" the challenge and had decided on a prize of a crate of lager (naturally). It was reasonably late and we were all hammered, when two of the guys disappeared. Half an hour later they return carrying a waiter with a mail bag over his head and his ankles tied together. The small Indian chap was more confused at being kidnapped than annoyed. However, once he had got his bearings, it took some effort to placate him. Stealing a waiter... that's going too far..." (Mandrill) >> This Week's Question << Beautiful but bonkers: what kind of lunacy have you put up with in the name of lust? http://www.b3ta.com/questions/bonkers/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Rate my teacher << Just caught this link on some random site we were lurking on. The crazy boarders were logging onto this school site, looking up their old teachers and writing nasty things about them. Surely a court case waiting to happen? And specifically we don't want you to look up the Ginger Fuhrer's old school (Smestow, Wolverhampton) and write weird things about perfectly nice teachers who he hasn't seen for fifteen years. Nope, be nice for once my pretty B3tards, look up your own school and make your old teachers feel great by spreading a little love. http://www.ratemyteachers.co.uk/ >> Crazy cat lady action figure << In B3ta towers we have a window that opens onto the street, we often leave it open as, well, fresh air makes the master-race strong. Anyway, there's a mad cat lady in the street and she peers in and tells us that our old mouser wants to come in. She does this probably ten times per week. Regardless that the official B3ta cat, Rocky, has his own royal flap and can come and go as he pleases. Anyways, this rambling has a reason. Look! You can buy a doll that looks just like her. Well, if she was American instead of being Greek. http://snipurl.com/meowmeow >> Cat gives birth to puppies? << A story that's done the rounds of blogs this week is the touching tale of a Brazilian moggy producing a litter of pups. Clearly bollocks, as anyone with a who's ever tried to mate a dog with a cat, will tell you. However, we enjoyed the Digg thread on it. Ah, fuck it, go and read Digg for a bit. Digg rocks. http://digg.com/general_sciences/Cat_gives_birth_t... >> Why anal sex is wrong << "I found this link to a spoof site about the importance of not loosing your brown wings," boasts Willenium, "I laughed so hard I had to send it." You know what? We don't normally like this sort of thing, but it made us giggle, so that's good enough for us. http://www.utterpants.co.uk/news/sex/analscourge.h... >> Stay off the smack, kid! << We're not normally ones to take a line on drug use, it's your body, do as you will etc. But we found this photo of a homeless heroin user rather disturbing. It certainly made us glad that we have a roof over our head and don't have a problem with the brown. Brr. Enough being crass, give a fiver to the homeless bloke on the way home tonight. Or fight him. http://www.flickr.com/photos/stoneth/206309920/ >> Best website ever << If this weeks newsletter has a slightly downbeat tone this week, it's because co-writer Dave is on holiday in New York and we have no one to bounce stuff off and laugh with. Poor us. Hence we spent a large amount of time we should have spent preparing the material, reading this financial advice site instead. It's utterly, utterly great and remember kids, "wealth is the money you don't spend." BTW: If the site's author Martin Lewis fancies doing an interview then please get in touch. We're certain that lots of our readers might have quite insane financial problems that we'd love to hear your opinion on. (Assuming Martin is not too busy having a successful TV career, that is.) http://www.moneysavingexpert.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : MARY WHITEHOUSE IS A NYMPHO! Our second sponsored link, this time a BBC video "Did Tony really just do that to Gordon? ‘Don’t Watch That, Watch This’ returns to BBC4 on Wednesday nights for more irreverent mashed-up fun. The BBC archive has been put through the mincer to give us more cut and paste TV for the e-generation!" http://snipurl.com/myspace_dwtwt ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO The un-sponsored video links... >> Home-made roller coaster << It's the 360 degree loop that really wigs us out here. Can someone come and build one in the official B3ta garden? Please? http://snipurl.com/loveisarollercoaster >> Retro public information films << Absolute gold, maybe you've seen this before, but Tufty, Rolf Harris AND Charly all together, it's nostalgia city for old gits like us. The more ambitious of you might like to use this material to make some new stuff. Go on. http://snipurl.com/charlysays >> Beat-box nutter plays drums << Remember that bloke who did the fast edited beat-box stuff? He's back and got a drum kit. Interesting to see that Youtube is now mature enough to through up a few genuine stars. This guy surely must have had a few approaches to direct ads / pop videos. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Crap Burglar << We'll hand this sentence over to B3ta reader Jangle who tells us, "this video gave me the best 2 minutes and 39 seconds of my day." He's not wrong, watch in wonder as blokey breaks into a store, falls through the roof, fall again trying to get out, fails to smash the security camera and then waits to be arrested. Great stuff. http://snipurl.com/ohyoumoron >> Girl shits in pool << Possibly the least successful attempt to film a pop video ever. Or is it a viral for an ex-lax? Who can tell these days? Whatever, it is a startling bit of video. http://one.revver.com/watch/95332/format/flv/affil... >> My hands are bananas << Weird song that gives us the creeps. You'll love it, trust us, you'll thank us for sharing the joy. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : "FUNNY" NAME CORNER Stick rusty forks in our collective japs-eye Kate Saygo writes, "Just in case you haven't already seen this. Not exactly a cool link, but made me smile." You know what? When does a funny name simply become marketing? It's like that estate agent we spotted in Devon once. Big Black Hen. (Big Black Cocks, if we have to spell it out for the slow kids at the back.) http://www.flaps.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : PHALLIC PHALLIC PHALLIC Stop it with the cocks Ever since we published our Phallic Logo Awards, people have taken it upon themselves to fill our inbox with a daily stream of mock-cock related imagery. We probably should just archive it all up for another award, but that's too much like hard work for lazy bones like us. Hence here's a taster of the stuff that gets sent in. Quickly done like with no posh awards. >> Chemistry Cocks << "Being a research chemist can be excruciatingly dull at times" complains Rushy, "So imagine my surprise to discover this in a proper scientific journal!" And in case you think we're shitting you, the reference is D. H. Reneker et al.; (1992) Smart Materials and Structures, 1, 84-90. Look that up science nerds. (Not that we want you to stop you doing something useful like curing cancer.) http://www.b3tards.com/u/560d1e05624b607ada58/file... >> Thanks Uncle Glitter! We love it! << Whilst C_Phoenix10 takes a more resigned note, "It's prolly made its rounds but still worth appearing in Friday's newsletter." BTW: This prolly / probably thing is getting a bit much for us. We found ourselves using prolly in speech the other day. And then hating ourselves for it. LOL! Gah. http://snipurl.com/thislooksfun Anyway, we'd ask you to stop sending stuff like this in, but as the award feature is regularly linked on random blogs, we know our pain will never stop. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Jesus Challenge Last week we wanted to know what Jesus would do in any given scenario. You gave us the gospel. Your favourites included: * SPRINGBOARD - That walking on water thing can be a pain in the ass sometimes (Flannet) * SNOOKER - On the other hand, that stigmata scarring can be really useful (Duphrates) * PARKING - Disability is no barrier when Jesus wants a parking space (Monkeon) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/what_would_jesus_do/ >> New challenge: Shop Macca << Poor old Paul McCartney: marries and divorces a one-legged porn star, yet remains the most boring Beatle. So let's manipulate Macca to make him more interesting. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/macca/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * SORRY MUM - w_middleton mews, "Hi Rob. followed your link to the PROFANIWIKI and found this interesting entry: Nuns Cunt. Extremely dry, like Rob Manuel's mother." Now really B3tards. Our poor mother, thank Christ she doesn't look at B3ta. http://www.profaniwiki.com/index.php * USB CELL SUCCESS - Simon from the impressive sounding Moixaenergy writes, "Thanks for your mention of our USBCELL in newsletter 247. We've just gone live today with availability in the USA due to massive demand there. PS: email me your address/contact and I'll make sure you get some product." Blimey, 5 years of writing this newsletter and we get some free batteries. We tell you, dear readers, the glamour of running B3ta simply never stops. Although that's not say we're not taking the free batteries. Assuming they turn up. BTW: In the past we've been offered a free bean bag (THE SIZE OF A HOUSE!) and some sticky stuff for getting dog hair off the sofa. They didn't turn up. And we don't own a dog anyway. http://www.usbcell.com/product/1 ------------------------------------------------- : WHY THE RUBBISH NEWLSETTER TITLE THIS WEEK? That controversial mailbag in full * Tateforce challenges - "The subject 'Jesus Christ's cock up the Virgin Mary's arse'. Very brave but offending Christians/Catholics is easy as there is little or no risk. Which you've already concluded. I'd like to see you dare create one that is as offensive to Muslims. You won't dare though." Actually, we did briefly consider "Muhammad's cock up Allah's arse" but the thing is, we think the Muslim community are currently getting a really bad time of it, and they don't need idiots like us getting involved. Not that we don't want a Fatwa, we've got a book out (did we mention that?) and it didn't hurt Salman Rushdie's sales, did it? * Brian informs, "I get my B3TA newsletter at a Yahoo address. I found i could not forward it to my normal ISP address. After quite a bit of experimenting, i found it was just the Jesus and Mary title. When I changed it to "Bland Newsletter Title" it relayed immediately." Ah. Bollocks, it's not fair, we can't even swear these days without the fucking spam police thinking we're selling penis pills. * Jeligula complains, "Was last week's newsletter title really necessary? I was showing some people at work the nifty bamboo scar and left over flesh from that woman who had the work done when a co-worker noticed the browser window behind the one I was showing them. The title said "Jesus Christ's Cock up Virgin Mary's Arse." I appreciate shock value as much as the next person, but this got me in trouble (almost got me fired) and was actually done in the worst possible taste. I know that you at B3TA towers pride yourselves on your complete and total lack of taste, but wouldn't putting in an effort not to alienate your devotees be worth your time? Just a thought." Anyway, to be clear. We don't want to get anyone sacked, well, not unless they film it and send it in as content for next weeks newsletter. ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * BURNMYFLAG.COM - The Rand Corporation demands, " I am desperately wanting to see a website call burnmyflag.com featuring burning flags of all nations, but especially those countries which are usually overlooked - liked Andorra, Sweden and maybe Wales." Yes, quite. * CAPTIONMYKITTEN.COM - like ratemykitten but with a competition for users to vote and write the best captions for the kitties. You'll make fucking thousands from the Adsense if you do it right. * 8-BIT SCARFS - you know with Pong and Space Invaders and stuff. Coz knitting is a bit like pixels you see. Actually, don't bother sending this in, we've this very site lined up for next weeks newsletter with a fantastic, "Free scarfs for b3ta reader competition." We can see you're excited. Calm down. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel without David Stevenson, who's pissed off on a poncey trip to the states leaving Rob alone, sobbing into his text editor. Stuff sent in by Frozen_Banana, Liphook (good luck with your launch Natasha. Don't headbutt anyone.), ameoba4000, Felchman, concurrency.co.uk, and Kamikazee Killmouse. Top Tippery by Andy Crane (but presumably not the one who used to be on telly, but it might be, how exciting) Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Usually. But he's authoring a DVD or something hence Fraser did it this week. But Mike is having a party on Sat and we're going to that, so we'll probably be able to bring you more on this exciting story then. YAY to b4ta. (Who gives a shit how many subs there are, it's over 100,000 which is better than 10 or something.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: "Following your serious money saving tips last week... Dull as ditch-water, but did you know the idiots at TFL have now made it stupidly easy to get refunds every time your tube's delayed! Which is about once a week for me." https://www.tfl.gov.uk/tube/contacts/refunds.asp next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive