we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "JESUS CHRIST'S COCK UP THE VIRGIN MARY'S ARSE" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * Swearing - now with sparklers * Food - a dog dinner. Literally * Tattoos - oh you don't want to look, really ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Need this space? Then speak to using the your Amstrad emailer phone. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Swears, Woofs & Crackers >> Swearing Sparklers << Looks like Johnyboyf had fun this bonfire night, we took some sparklers and set his camera on a long exposure and wrote rude words in the air. Wonderful stuff. You'll be doing the same next year we bet. http://johnyboy.googlepages.com/ >> Eating dogs << The lengthy named "Last Night A DJ Battered My Christ" has followed up his eating fertilised eggs escapades with one-better. He's only gone an eaten a dog. Has he shot his load? Can can he possibly follow this? Copraphilia? Cannibalism? http://foodtube.livejournal.com/1358.html >> Scare your Gran this Xmas << "When compiling the Bumper B3ta Book of Sick Jokes", informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "One of my favourite ideas I had was to take a handful of the worst jokes and present them as mottos in Christmas crackers. I figured people could print them out and ruin Christmas. Sadly as last minute production problem prevented the this from being included in the book, so here they are, on the web, DVD extra stylee." http://www.robmanuel.com/category/sick-joke-book/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Dentists Last week we wanted your dentist stories. What stood out from the tales of blood and gore was a massive riposte from 'Calfderno', a working dentist. We are truly humbled. Go read his rant and brush your horrible teeth: http://b3ta.com/questions/dentists/ * BIG BREAST LADY "Look, this is pathetic, but here we go. My dentist is a beautiful woman in her mid 30s with a chest which would have been quite at home in a 1950s sitcom... I'm talking big, perfectly formed and big. And big. And she insists on the gas and lets you play your own CDs while she works... So basically when she leans over to start work on my mouth and I'm slightly off my bean with some of my favourite tunes blaring away and the eighth and ninth wonders of the world in my face to be quite honest I couldn't care less whether she starts drilling with a jackhammer. I'm thinking of flossing with a mouldy boot-lace in the hope of encouraging dental problems. Oh yes and her name is Dr Zongas. No kidding." (difficultchild) * BIG FINGER MAN "I was having a few teeth taken out and my mouth had been anaesthetised. A few minutes into the procedure, the dentist began to shout: "Open your jaw! You're biting me!" Ggg g ggh! [No I'm not!] "OPEN YOUR JAW! You are biting my finger!" GGH G GGH! [No I'm not!] Of course, I couldn't feel a thing because of the anaesthetic; the full force of my jaw was clamped down on his finger. In the end, he had to prise my mouth open with his other hand and bandage the wounded finger. But not before he brandished the digit in my face: a livid and empurpled sausage imprinted with a flawless imprint of my molars and incisors. He later became a priest." (frankspencer) * BIG MOUTH LADY "My wife has a big mouth. A very big mouth. She can fit her fist in it, or for that matter, a small horse. Once when she was in the dentist's chair, the dentist said "Open wide". She did. Shocked at the now gaping maw that appeared, he stumbled backwards and said "Gracious, not THAT wide." (lardaholics anonymous ) >> This Week's Question << Have your mates ever gone too far? Taken a normal situation and turned it to shit? We're waiting for your call. http://b3ta.com/questions/goingtoofar/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> "The Pass Around Girl" << Introducing Michelle, the lady with "I swallow cum" tattooed on her right tit and "I eat pussy" inked on her left. Other tats include "Fuck My Whore Pussy" on above her hips and classiest of all, "For Deposit Only" over her sore looking vagina. She also includes an email address if you fancy getting to know her better. NSFW. Like duh. http://www.bmezine.com/news/pubring/20061028.html >> 248 ways to annoy people << Huge comedic list of irritating ideas including our favourites: "If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others", "Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley", and best of all, "Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies." http://www.dbooth.net/internerd/annoy.cfm >> Taxidermy bookmarks << Are you the type of anal weirdo who uses bookmarks instead of just folding down a corner of a page? Are you also a potential serial killer? Then you'll love this hot foreign e-commerce site selling bookmarks made from real squashed mice. An ideal gift for an intelligent cat. http://www.tierpraeparation-bochum.de/shop.html >> Extreme scarification << Continuing the body modification theme is this delightful young lady who has gouged strips of skin from her back to create a florid bamboo motif. Actually the result isn't too shabby, but it's the work in progress photos that really turn the stomach. Bloody, fleshy worms of back skin. Possibly something our previously mentioned dog eater would like to chow down on. http://javimoya.com/blog/galerias/rubia-escarifica... >> Pimp my shoe << Ok we've had case-mods, car-mods but now trainer-mods? What next? Pimp my scotch egg? Oh yeah, we did that, last year. http://www.zoltron.com/shoeseum/ ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Dogs in hats HOLD ON! Yes it's the oldest, dullest B3ta cliche in the world. "Stick in some photos of animals wearing clothes, that'll keep the punters happy." But there's something more here, it's the scope of the site. Thousands of pups, all web 2.0 tagged, all super fresh and modern like. http://www.costumedogs.com/tag/hat/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Youtube raped our mum! >> u2 meets David Brent? << Unintentional humour from an American banking conference, with sales blokey re-writing the words to the dwarf-rockers hit, One. Cringe-making. http://www.spareroom.co.nz/2006/11/08/one-bank/ >> Billy idol Christmas cash-in << Fans of complete shit are in for a treat here as 80s cyber-twat Billy Idol is back, Back, BACK! He's made version of Bing Crosby's White Christmas for the granny market. The comedy comes from the reasonably competent crooning combined with Billy's trademark sneers and fist clenching. Wonderful. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Ha ha, hold our sides, they're splitting Phil Spiny writes to us saying, "Insensitive but amusing name of the day?" Yep, that's about the size of it. http://snipurl.com/Kok_On_Chin ------------------------------------------------- : BONUS GOOGLE GAME Search engine bores, this is for you! Mister man writes - "A simple but fun Google game: search for "x has no" where x is your favourite city. From playing it, it seems that Seattle has no one to blame but themselves, London has no biological siblings but she has a stepsister named Yolanda, and Amsterdam has no diplomatic functions." Your mileage may vary. http://www.google.com/search ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Flag Challenge Last week we wanted you to make some lovely new flags that said something more about the wonderful countries on planet Earth. Our favourites included: * "I'm with stupid" - finally revenge from Canada for all those jokes the USA makes. (wibblywobbly) * "Ikea flag" - took us a while to get this one, and when we did, we felt very pleased with ourselves. (Fishcat) * "Union jack plug hole" - no, not a old poster for Oasis but "biting political satire" from Manic. Sorry manic love, can we run our "putting the lol into po-lol-otics" line again? All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flags/ >> New challenge: Jesus << This week we're asking the question on every Mexican's lips, what would Jesus do? http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/what_would_jesus_do/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * UPDATED MP3 TOOL - cr3 signs, "Following on from the success that was the music search tool I made last, I've made a much, much faster one. You get one track for one query. Fair's fair, after all." Try searching for b3ta. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/site/inspire/ * GOODBYE IRRITATING EMAILS - after getting a particularly annoying email last week we asked for a service that could delete all annoying emails from our inbox. Puneypunk, has come to the rescue, maybe taking our request a little too far. http://lostzone.co.uk/puneypunk/gmail.html * MOTHERORLOVER CONTROVERSY - a few weeks ago we asked you to write a quiz called Mother or Lover, last week we featured one such project and this week Pineapplecharm writes, "You're fucking joking! Mine is loads better." Hmm, he's got a point. But has it got Alex from Popworld and Sadie Frost in it yet? http://pineapplecharm.com/motherorlover/ * THE RETUNRN OF THE PROFANIWIKI - Paul informs, "It was up and then down but now its up for good. I will endeavour to make it stay up." Funny that Paul, do you have similar problems with your old chap? http://profaniwiki.com ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things you'd really like to see include * FUCK PORRIDGE - Harryfreeze writes, "An excerpt of Porridge edited with Ronnie Barker's expression 'naff' replaced by 'fuck' which it was designed to replace. Mainly I'd like to see Fletch saying 'Fuck off Godber'." * POLISH FOOD - Fatsquirrel wants our readers to eat such delights as Peasant's Lard, Pork Knuckle & Tinned meat for tourists. Report back please. http://snipurl.com/polishfood * CLEANING WITH HUMAN FLUIDS - what gets a better shine on your car? Earwax or spunk? (This one suggested by your Ginger Fuhrer) Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel. Low staffed and late because Dave & Fraser have taken a holiday. Stuff sent in by colonelkb and ana. Top Tippery by getrichslowly.org. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Zoophilia to b4ta. (01902763521) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Get rich slowly. Tax yourself, every time you buy something nonessential, put 10% of the purchase price in an envelope. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive