we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "A LOAD OF TOSS-BOLLOCKS FOR YOU TO STICK IN YOUR BROWSER-CUNTS" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * INTERVIEW - Ambulance man talks * WEEBL - Fuck me, it's Magical Trevor 4 * TESCOS - DIY Taser ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Our sexy team of sales people are positively quivering in anticipation of your contact. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Ambulance, Goatse, Weebl & Tescos >> Interview with an Ambulance << Remember Random Acts of Reality? Tom Reynolds blog, we linked it, ooh ages ago saying, "Publishers: sign up this guy to write a book, really - you'd have a surprise hit on your hands." Mainly as an excuse to point out that we're right (his book is now Top 10), here's a lovely interview. (And sorry to Tom for filling his interview with mental photoshops. You didn't send us any photos!) http://b3ta.com/interview/tomreynolds/ >> Goatse calendar << "I made a shock site calendar", boasts crooked, "for my friend who is going away to join the Navy." Warning. Not exactly safe for work, or even home, unless you work for the Jim Rose Circus Side-show. http://penislol.com/shocksitecalendar.html >> Magical Trevor 4 << Not afraid of the sequel is our kid, Jonti. This time Magical Trevor is back and this time featuring a rather pleasing haddock / havoc rhyme. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/magical+trevor+4... >> Tesco value taser << "Please will you look at my TESCO VALUE TASER project on and consider putting it in the newsletter", pleads dansprojector, "I love b3ta." Well, considering we like flattery, you're in! Actually, this is a completely mental idea and we love it. Could do with some video though. http://dansprojector.livejournal.com/82443.html ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Not losing your Virginity It occurred to us that the times you'd turned down the opportunity to lose your virginity would probably be far more interesting than the time you did (although those were pretty good too - see the questions archive for details): http://b3ta.com/questions/notlosingyourvirginity/ * £19.95 Light Tan Cowboy Boots. Late 70s, the coolest things were cowboy boots and tight jeans. I was never cool but decided I would join the cool set. New boots - check. Tight jeans - check. Check shirt - check. I looked *soooo* cool. Party, two cans of lager, loud music on the "Entertainment Centre". Rather large girl appears who I've seen occasionally round school. Necking starts, then tongues, then touching. Can't believe my luck. About an hour later, "You can walk me home if you like, my parents are out tonight". Bloody Hell, I might actually do it for the first time. It's really, really, really going to happen. I can't believe it! Oh bless those boots for making me look so cool! I am a sex God! Commence walking her home stopping every 50 yards for cuddles and more fumblings. "How far is it to your house?" I ask, toes becoming sore and very pinched. About two miles further on, my feet are in agony, I'm sitting down every few yards. "Not much further" "Not much further" "Not much further" Boots off, it starts to rain. Feet cold, wet, sore, erection gone, I know I have to walk about three miles home. Sobering up, she's not good looking, I make my excuses and kiss her tenderly goodnight. We go our separate ways. The pleasure of getting home was incredible, I sat and cried with relief. I also cried myself to sleep the next night when I found out my mission had failed at the end of her street. DAMN YOU £19.95 LIGHT TAN COWBOY BOOTS." (Unklian) * So, so many times "Such as when I puked rich, brown cider- flavoured vomit over the lovely Julia's milky white breasts mat the vital moment. Such as when I took the equally lovely Debbie to see a band. Ultravox. She fled. Such as the time I went swimming with the gorgeous Lea, and laughed at her fat arse after she told me not to laugh at her fat arse. ...and, shamefully, completely failing to get the message when the ravenous Mwfanwy spread-eagled herself across the snooker table when I was lining up a shot. I failed to pot the pink, and then failed to pot the pink." (Scaryduck) * My parents had decided to go on holiday without me and my older brother. I was going out with a lovely young lady at the time who was very open, forward, fit and most importantly, filth. After many years of waiting and er, performing solo I was going to get some. Just as long as my brother pissed off for the night. I convinced my big brother to politely fuck off and leave me and the missus alone. I reckon 5 minutes would have probably done but he agreed to leave for the night - all too willingly. As soon as he left the house I began getting ready, tidying the house and was relieving the pressure with a quick menage a un when my brother and 3 of his friends burst into my room, pinned me to my bed and proceed to cover my crotch with green food dye, leaving me with Grotbags' thumb hanging out my pants. My girlfriend was due round any minute and as this was pre-mobile era, there was nothing I could do to stop her. Being a man, British and proud, I did the brave thing and cried like a little girl until the missus came round, then hid Orvilleís wing tip, dried my eyes and let her in. She only wanted one thing and pestered me all night but I was too embarrassed to let her know what had happened and instead told her things were moving too fast (smooth) and that we should take our time. Two days later I was dumped for being a frigid twat. It was a good few months before mini hulk looked more ike Dr. Banner again and three years before I finally got some." (Let's all have an asbo ) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your dentist stories. Talk to us, if you still can with all that metalwork in there: http://b3ta.com/questions/dentists/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Minging celebrity recipes << Mouth watering at the prospect of munching on Gabby Logan's Warm Tuna Salad? Perhaps you'd like to sample Donna Air's Special Porridge or Esther Rantzen's Fish Pie. Eww. They are all recipes supposedly submitted by celebs to this glossy magazine. But was Cheese on Toast really the best Kerry Katona could come up with? http://www.nowmagazine.co.uk/celebrity_bites/ >> 102 personal finance tips << Hey, it's not all kittens and booze at B3ta Towers. The other night we were pondering the future while counting out small piles of tiny coins. But we found this list of basic financial advice pretty interesting. If a bit American. http://snipurl.com/cashisking >> Inexplicably ugly model << We understand the principle of using pictures of a pretty girl to sell stuff like make-up or chocolate. But we can't get our heads around how a bloke in Buffy scare-makup is supposed to make us buy car insurance. Look at his dead eyes. Like a fish. Brrr. http://www.surfandprotect.com/default.asp >> Sex toy legalese << Extraordinarily full legal description of a patent dildo and how to use it. It's painstakingly detailed to the point of being absolute gibberish. And what on earth is a 'sexual preference transfer function'? http://snipurl.com/davessextoylink >> The lift with no floor << The sign on the door says "work in progress" but you step right into the lift when it arrives to find... no floor? It's just some Julain Beever-style optical trickery - used for evil. http://www.hemmy.net/2006/10/03/elevator-floor-ill... ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sad little seal Awww. This newborn baby Australian fur seal has that combination of innocent charm and subtle melancholy that pushes our buttons so well. So cute we'd love to kick its face off and wear it as a hat - thanks Greenpeace! http://snipurl.com/greenpeacesmellofwee ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO We remember when YouTube replied to our emails >> Communist sausages << Who couldn't love this cheery meats ad from Hungary's whacky 1970s? Great song, speedy action - sausages look like greasy turds though. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Suasages_Borat_stylee >> Will it blend? << Genius marketing from a US blender company. Get a Shatner-type in a white coat to demonstrate the product's preternatural blending abilities by taking on challenging materials. This particular clip features marbles being ground down into so much glass dust. Fuck knows who's going to need something that strong - someone who eats diamonds? http://youtube.com/watch >> Spock soap powder << Admen in the 60s clearly knew the way to tap into the minds of house-proud mums. And that way was through sci-fi! Behold: a washing powder of the far-flung future to clean your family's clothes whatever the temperature! http://youtube.com/watch >> "My anniversary video" << Ostensibly a romantic video made by a bloke for his girlfriend, keep an eye out for the subtle hidden agenda. http://www.lulu.tv/ ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Aiiee! The beast that would not die returns >> Melissa Mong << Fourth row down, far right. The 1995 winner of Miss Armstrong County is a very pretty Mong indeed. http://www.missarmstrongcounty.org/Formers.htm >> FK2 0FF << The residents of this Falkirk street are blessed with an exceptionally confrontational postcode. We're somewhat jealous of the cachet it lends them. http://snipurl.com/googlecraps >> Cumflow << "Ho ho ho," chortles Albert the Mildly Deranged. "My University has rather amusingly named cement mixers." And he sent us the snaps to prove it: http://www.b3ta.com/board/6457128 ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA VS VIRGIN Compo winners announced! Last week we ran an image competition with Virgin Money, and to be honest it all went a bit mental. You lot made lots of rude images and the client pulled the challenge. This caused a small media shit storm and ended up in the papers (stick B3ta into google news if you don't believe us). Anyway, all's well that ends well as Virgin got loads of publicity and we got a little bit of positive press for the Sick Joke Book. Funny how things turn out. PSPs are going to Happy Toast, Jeccy, Afinkawan & spottedbeetle, with an Xbox 360 to Monkdagola. ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Icon Challenge After the Virgin thing was pulled we replaced it with a "make a tiny icon" thing that board members can place by their username in exchange for cool, cool, cash. You lot made fucking hundreds of the little shits and now we've got icons dripping out our cocks. Anyway, we picked a handful of retro ones for this quarters selection, so thanks to Mystery Bob, Mutated Monty and Teedyay for that. Check the blog on our FP for details. http://b3ta.com/ >> New challenge: New Flags << Let's face it: the flags used by most countries are too old to represent them today - and it's time they were updated to reflect this. So design a new flag for an old country. Challenge suggested by Art101. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/flags/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * "HEY HEY 16K writer MJ Hibbett has had a resurgence of sales off the back of the Gay Train video I made for him," reports ginger furher Rob Manuel. "Not for the album though - for the Hey Hey 16k shirt he wore in every shot." * ENDURANCE-BIKING B3TA BROTHER, hunky Duncan Manuel Duncan finished his race and made over £3,000 for Water Aid. (Who we've always felt a little guilty about, as we once pointed out their logo looked like a cock, and mysteriously they changed it only a few months later. Sorry if we wasted your cash guys.) http://snipurl.com/duncanmanuelbikenut * BACON VODKA - US correspondent cherryredpinup tells us, "There is a bar in Vegas called the Double Down saloon which serves, what they call a Bacon Martini. Basically a bottle of voddy with some bacon in the bottom that has been there so long it's gone all grey. It looks more than a little jizzy. Never seen anyone drink it, but then American bacon isn't very good." * SATNAV ON MOBILES - "Check out the Nokia N95, which is coming out in January 2007... (or thereabouts)" suggests mark.mclaughlin and many many others. You bunch of fucking nerds. * BLOODSTAINS - controversy still rages as to how best remove them from our gardening gloves etc. Midwifery student Woekitten says, "For still-wet stains, you use COLD water and sponge it. For DRY stains, you actually need hydrogen peroxide in a very weak solution. Pour the solution on the carpet, and it will bubble and fizz as it removes the blood. Blot with a damp cloth, and continue applying solution and blotting until the stain has gone." Woo. * BOOK PLUG - Dave Stripeyjumper seethes, "I also have a book out at the moment and wish I'd thought of a line like 'Buy our book, else we'll shit through your letterbox. Since you're clearly better at this promotion business than me, got any ideas on how I can sell more copies of e-luv?" We'll let you use our 'shit through the letterbox' strategy, if you like. For a modest fee. Oh sod it, here's a link to his book. BTW: Coincidentally we've just realised that the cover was designed by B3ta's own Denise Wilton. Small world, etc. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/095483188... * MOTHER OR LOVER - "I made Mother or Lover for you, as mentioned in the other week's newsletter," confides sam loves rainbows. Good stuff, although it needs you, dear reader, to submit a few more images in order to work at its very peak. http://samueldavid.co.uk/motherorlover/ ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Tricky, trickzy game "This link asks 'are you smart?'", mews Monkeycat, "Well, it appears I'm not as my record score is 20.101 seconds." A devilishly difficult multitasking game, can you beat Monkeycat? http://www.zanorg.com/prodperso/jeuxchiants/double... ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * A MONEY TREE - we've heard them mentioned, they sound exciting. Have you got one? Can we take a cutting? * BABY THAT CLEANS UP IT'S OWN SHIT - surely science can give us an answer here? * IRRITATION FILTER - forget spam filters, can't Gmail delete ALL the irritating emails before we even read them? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Parrot of doom, ricky.davison, gallacter, jonnyfatman, peacelove_deathmetal,MontyPropps, ixnay, Kundalini, Kingtoke, and some other lovely cunts. Top Tippery by Easty Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Holding your tongue to the roof of your mouth can help prevent an ice cream headache. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive