we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "BUY OUR BOOK, ELSE WE'LL SHIT THROUGH YOUR LETTERBOX" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * BOOK - Buy the B3ta Book you ham-touchers * QUESTION - How we didn't lose our Virginity * GEEKY GAME - Roses are #ff0000... ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Booky woo, Blode, Weebl & Geeky game >> Sick Joke Book << Huzzah! After months of planning the B3ta Bumper Book of Sick Jokes is finally in the shops, and more importantly on Amazon. It's utterly ace and rather offensive. Feedback so far includes: * "It's the perfect boy present!" (Rebecca) * "My Dad loves it" (CaroWallis) * "Stomach-churningly good" (Steven D Wright) So come on kids, do the right thing by Uncle B3ta. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/190554828... >> The return of Blode << Before Joel Veitch became famous for kitten based rock bands he used to produce a cartoon short called Blode. Well, after a three year gap, Blode is back, and this timing mining for meat on the moon. To quote our friend Tomsk, "I really like it, it's completely mental. And epic. Like a demented Lord of the Rings, on the moon, with crabs." http://www.rathergood.com/blode7/ >> Weebl does the hard sell << Young Jonti has built his own sweat shop and has Chinese children knitting from dusk until dawn creating his new range of toys. The promotional animation he's produced is entertaining though. Although the 'going for a shit' sequence made us wince. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/toons/toys+2/ >> Geekiest game ever << "I have made this game", honks ja128828, "Match the hexadecimal colour codes with the actual colour. Do as many as you can in 60 seconds, or until your brain melts down at having to compare #f784e0 and #e4040e.' Sheesh, this is hard, but web designers might get a few kicks from it. http://www.anecdota.org/htmlgames/hexcolours/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Useless Advice We wanted useless advice that you'd been given: http://b3ta.com/questions/uselessadvice/ And being a thoroughly useless lot, you gave us tons of it, most of it from Grannies: * "Don't have children too early - you know if I'd have known about buggery when I got married I'm not sure I'd ever have had any - maybe you should try that instead of sex." (la la la's friend's Nan) * "Never trust a man, who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on" (My_evil_twin's Dad) * "Don't apply to Oxford University. People get murdered there, I saw it on Inspector Morse." (littlemsbroccoli's friend's Gran) >> This Week's Question << You know how you were desperate to lose your virginity, but when the situation actually arose to do something about it, it was all a bit scary? C'mon, it wasn't just us lot, surely: http://b3ta.com/questions/notlosingyourvirginity/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> "This person may be HIV positive" << Amusing little ad campaign for safe sex, based on the "I'm with stupid" t-shirt of olden time. http://snipurl.com/advertisingcunts >> Geek cats << You can't really go wrong with a gallery of endearing cats. These feline beauties are further embellished with very odd computer game-based epithets. http://nodwick.humor.gamespy.com/cats/cats.htm >> Graphic designer's calendar/clock << An attractive way of telling the time/date/year through a series of slowly shifting layers. Makes you peculiarly aware of how fast time is passing, but in a tastefully understated way. http://home.tiscali.nl/annejan/swf/timeline.swf >> Unfortunate resemblance << Quick work with a camera caught this remarkable similarity between crimewatch-style photofit and dodgy-looking presenter. It's fucking uncanny! http://www.sayagain.co.uk/b3tapix/images/RAPPPIST.... >> Swirly, dotty music thingie << Based on the pioneering work of experimental filmmaker John Whitney, this series of animations adds appropriate acoustics to lovely swirling dot patterns. Mellow and relaxing or challenging and stimulating depending on how much you want to get into it. http://www.coverpop.com/whitney/index.php >> Frog juice << What's green but turns red at the flick of a switch? Ken Livingstone's transport policies. Er, okay, that was just a cheap gag, but check out this nutritious drink made from the pure pulp of fresh frogs. Apparently big in China and Peru, where it's seen as an aphrodisiac. Something this disgusting is always going to be seen as either a sex aid or a hangover cure, isn't it? http://snipurl.com/yummyfrogdrink ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Celebrity Death Challenge Last week we wanted to you to show us the excruciating yet appropriate deaths of the rich and famous. You did so. Your favourites included: * ROBBIE WILLIAMS - Watch with glee as the self-loathing pop tosser takes a crosscut saw to his gusset. (HappyToast) * THE QUEEN - Savour the moment as HRH is savagely brutalised by a sex-frenzied stallion. (M3rx) * BEADLE - Laugh out loud as the strangely-bearded TV twat attempts to escape a certain fate. (HappyToast again) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/celebrity_death/ >> New challenge: Icons << Keen boarders will know that if you give us a few quid, we'll give you a lovely pic to proudly display by your username. Frankly we're bored with the icons that we've got, so we've asked you to make some new ones. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/icon/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * DRAWBALL COCK - "With a massive amount of help from b3tans", boasts frogdoctor, "I made a massive magenta cock at drawball.com. This group effort took about 15 mins to look respectable, and then evolved. Imagine how big we could make one if you were to mention it in the newsletter!" http://www.drawball.com/4ynef78 * TOP TIPS UPDATED - "The tip about murderers and getting blood out of clothes with cold water," huffs Jezweston, who remains at large, "No, no, no. Use shampoo, warm water and hand washing. Its works amazingly well. I'm not a murderer, but I do play skate hockey, hence copious bleeding." ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Pixel Blaster "Maybe you guys will enjoy," speculates Tom Thornton, "my latest game creation." Woo, kept us busy for a few mins. http://snipurl.com/rastapastablaster ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * VODKA BACON - stick a couple of packs' worth of bacon in litre bottle of vodka. Leave it for one week. Put the bottle in a pan of boiling water until the bacon is cooked. Drink bacony vodka. Smash bottle. Eat vodkary bacon. (Thanks baldmonkey) * SAT-NAV FOR PHONES - c'mon Nokia, we don't give a shit about 'lifeblogging' or whatever crappy functionality you add to your mobiles these days, but never getting lost ever again would rock. * CUMBUCKET - girls get sanitary towel disposal devices, what about us chaps? Somewhere to stick the spunky tissues. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by justelite, Terry fucking Nutkins, Andrew Temple and José el Gorrion Top Tippery by Zaphod's Wombat Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry without Richard Branson. Oops! Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Props to b4ta. (What a fucking week.) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: The best time to make a dinner reservation at a popular place is about six hours before you want to eat. That's when cancellations start coming in. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive