we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "DON'T GOOGLE FOR MEATOTOMY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * MASH-UP - X-rated Harry Potter * RATHERGOOD - Some bollocks about tits * MEAT CORNER - Your new favourite B3ta section ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Baps, mp3s and shrooms >> Can I have a go on your baps? << Joel is back to his old self. He's making flash stuff and being rude again. We like him like this, and so will you. http://www.rathergood.com/baps/ >> Music searching machine << "Attention broadbandits," barks cr3. "I've made a new music searching app that lets you inter-rob mp3s from the super information A-road that is the web." Particularly like that it makes a little playlist that lets you sample the goods before downloading. Get on there quickly before it's closed down by Tessa Jowell, minister for anti-fun. http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/musicplus.php >> "Where are my drugs?" 2.0 << "Hey hey," drawls crazy ray wirestorm, "It's mushroom season, and I have created a little tool to help aid budding mycologists." Help him out by adding in the locations of any psychoactive fungi you happen on in your own backyard. Somewhat ambitiously, his map covers the entire world. Arctic research scientists, he is waiting for your click. http://shroomr.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Inappropriate Crushes We wanted your crushes. And we got them by the shedload: http://b3ta.com/questions/crushes/ * BELLY NUZZLIN' "Miss Bedford - my Junior Kindergarten teacher. I had the, apparently, mandatory crush on her. But what made it a little pervy were my clairvoyant fantasies. I could see into the future. I was five years old, knew nothing about sex and my nuts still resided somwhere behind my lungs. But all I wanted to do with Miss Bedford was get naked and rub my belly against hers and I was a little worried that my willy would get in the way and get pinched... I have since found out that ladies have a convenient receptacle in which to put your willy if you wish to do a bit of belly rubbing." (chrobinson) * SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND? "A whole squad of us at school used to get our hair cut at a local barbers solely because a drop dead gorgeous, and, let's not beat around the bush, particularly buxom young lady worked there. We sat in line waiting to be called over and, once the nudge-nudge/embarrassment thing was out of the way, we just sat in stunned silence as she cut away. If memory serves, she used to straddle the chair to cut your fringe. It all went tits-up one afternoon when she called one of us and dressed him in one of those stupid nylon hair-cape thingies. After snipping away for a few minutes, she suddenly noticed some rhythmic fumbling from under the nylon sheet and promptly whacked our pal on the back of the head with a hair brush, screaming all manner of insults regarding his perversion. Best bit was, he was cleaning his glasses under the sheet." (Compulsive1) * CLIFF! "I had a female acquaintance who seemed to be of the 'mitosis rather than sex' variety, a displaced Victorian. She invited myself and my better half to her house one day, wanting our opinion on Cliff Richard's musical "Heathcliff". Being Bronte afficionados, we accepted... After all, how bad could it be? After showing us about 60 pictures from the special trip to England and Bronteland for the opening night of the show, she showed us her bedroom (she was 34 years old at the time). Every, and I mean EVERY square centimetre of space was covered by posters, photos, calendars and LP covers of Cliff Richard. Even the ceiling! To top it all off, there was a half-size cutout of Cliff by the bed - she made it herself by tiling posters. It was like being enclosed in a suitcase upholstered with Cliff Richards photos. "You must find him pretty hot, then," I commented, but she replied that there was nothing sexual about it and that she admired his warm personality and musical skills. Scarred me for life." (pitt bull badger) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your biggest regrets. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/regrets/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> X-rated Harry Potter << Fuckaroo! Enjoyable cut-up of Stephen Fry's Harry Potter audio books for pornographic effect. A big prize to the b3tard who goes one louder and combines his fine Twinings Tea ads with his recent documentary on depression. "This everyday tea... gave me suicidal thoughts." http://snipurl.com/harrypotterblowjob >> Line rider << Draw a line and a cute little tobogganist uses it as a ski slope. Starts off simple but then you start getting ambitious... and sadistic. One of the hottest games on the internet this week; check youtube for examples like 'Jump the Shark'. http://snipurl.com/linerider >> Iggy Pop has the funniest roadie << Copy of an epic Iggy Pop tour rider that's a combination of nitty gritty backstage detail and stream-of-consciousness whimsical anecdote. Includes "A BMW K1200 RS SE motorbike. Silver and blue is the nice one. Well it's worth a try." The final page is an unexpected bonus. http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/1004061iggypo... >> The Executive Coloring Book << Satirical activity book for budding executives; "This is my telephone. It has five buttons. Count them. One, two, three, four, five. Five buttons. How many buttons does your telephone have? Mine has five." http://snipurl.com/execcoloringbook >> Dog porthole << You can't sell holes to people, so some enterprising character came up with this strange porthole. You fit it to the fence so your dog can snoop on the neighbours - and appear vaguely nautical. http://www.petpeek.info/ >> "How long will they last?" << It's a favourite game to play in the pub - looking at a couple and speculating on how long they'll stay together. This is someone's go at bringing this joy to the web masses. It doesn't quite work, the estimates are wildly out, but it's worth a look. http://www.weddingbetting.com/ >> Killer ad placement << The ad manager must have been screaming blue murder when this paper hit the stands. Unfortunate juxtaposition of tragic news story with 'edgy' ad for CDs. Doh. Reminds us of the DJ who was left scrabbling around for some Bing Crosby records after his death was announced on a news bulletin. Only after he started playing it did he realise the lyrics ran, "Heaven, I'm in Heaven..." http://snipurl.com/killerad >> Things in rubbers << Who would have thought one could derive so much innocent amusement from a collection of objects encased in latex prophylactics? But we did - now you can too. http://thingsinrubbers.com/ ------------------------------------------------- : MEAT CORNER Dripping with gravy goodness >> Human Kidney meal << So your friends buy you a human kidney as a gag - what do you do? This upstanding fellow cooked it in a gourmet sauce and served it up to them for dinner. Peculiar story that leaves an unpleasant taste in the mouth... http://www.dailygut.com/ >> Watch bacon rot << Nothing much on telly? Run out of DVDs? Do like this bloke and stick some bacon in a lexan receptacle and watch it decay over a couple of months. Surprisingly, the egg he put alongside it still looked okay after the same amouont of time, although the American Egg Board advised against eating it. In fact, they went so far as to warn people to "discard any perishable product that has been out of the refrigerator for 2 hours or more." Which strikes us as a little over-cautious. http://warehouse.carlh.com/article_108/ ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Thanks for the bandwidth Mr YouTube >> World's oldest conjoined twins << Meet Lori and Reba Schappell the 45-year-old twins joined at the skull. What comes across is that it's like a marriage where you don't get a night to yourself with the lads. Poor Lori has to work like a dog to support her showbiz-loving country singer sister. And Reba has to endure long and tedious trips to the supermarket. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Kitten plays the keyboard << Now we know how they wrote all those suspense film soundtracks. Just stick a kitten on an electronic keyboard and record their clumsy frolics. And the kittens didn't see a penny of royalties. Why must Hollywood be so cruel? http://www.b3ta.com/links/Kitten_plays_the_keyboar... >> Crap stuntman << Local news footage of 'amateur stuntman' Rocky Murray. He's a brave but clumsy backyard daredevil and some of the stunts-gone-awry will make you wince. Actually, he seems to do a lot of this sort of thing and his site is really worth a look. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Crap_stuntman ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Some bollocks about testicles "Byggnads!" hollers theboytucker. "It's the Swedish builders' union. My girlfriend was given a promotional bag by them, so she now has a Byggnad sack." http://www.byggnads.se/byggnads/38499,38492.cs ------------------------------------------------- : ASK THE B3TARDS For when Google can't help >> Bugs vs. the Sun << Last week we asked how come, if insects are attracted to bright lights why don't they just fly straight into the sun and leave us alone? There was a wide range of response but thebob came up with the definitive answer that "moths navigate using the moon, and when you have a lightbulb, they fly past, and then think they have just passed the moon, so they turn around and go past it again, round and round and round. That's millennia of evolution for you." >> Cat tail tantrums << This week: - trintrin poses the puzzler, "Why do all cats seem to absolutely hate it when you scratch their back near the base of their tail?" Answers please to the usual address. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Grown-up Toys Challenge Last week we wanted to see adult updates of classic kid's games. You went spastic. Your favourites included: * PLAYMOBIL - Taking our use of the word 'adult' far too literally. Wank-tastic. (salad_of_abstraction) * MONOPOLY - The Grumpy Old Men version. Not as good as the original. Probably. (Nonny) * TOP TRUMP DEITIES - Brilliant stuff. Note the clever lack of an image portaying Allah. (salvadorevincent) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/grownups/ >> New challenge: Aliens << Aliens have finally landed on Earth. But how would they fit into everyday life... getting jobs, buying food, relationships, all the stuff we take for granted? Challenge suggested by Prodigy69. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/aliens/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * WATERAID WOO - thanks to all the lovely B3ta readers that have dontated about £600. Hunky Duncan promises to stick some photos online soon. http://www.justgiving.com/DuncanManuel ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Infuriating memory game We like simple games and they don't come much simpler than this. Shapes are added one at a time and you have to click on the newbie. Actually, the simplicity is what makes it infuriating - the higher it gets, the more reluctant you get to make an embarrassingly easy mistake. http://www.vivalagames.com/play/picto/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * MOTHER OR LOVER - photo quiz on whether the female in a couple is the chaps mum or girlfriend? Users can upload pics. * MULTIPLAYER WEB CAM AIRPLANE BATTLE - stand in front of your webcam with your arms out like a plane. Fire by shouting ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-you're dead! And that's exactly what your opponents see and hear - no namby-pamby CGI in between. Would be the biggest thing ever if someone could work out how to program it. * THE BOOZE-O-TRON - an easy way to quit smoking and drinking via gigantic threatening robots. Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by Fiona Silk and others. Top Tippery by Enigmatic and Fergburger Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Snogs to b4ta with tongues. ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: For wasp stings put vinegar on the wound. This neutralises the irritant. But with a bee sting you have to use bicarbonate of soda because vinegar has no effect. It's B for bicarbonate/bees, and V for vinegar/vasps. Yes. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive