we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "YOUR WEEKLY BARRAGE OF FILTH" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - London to Brighton in 2 minutes * FASHION - Baby toupees * FUNNY NAMES - High Tree Spackers and more ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #1 Rathergood, Jesus, Trains and Weebl >> Ricky Martin vs. Jesus << "Hey B3ta!" hollers Red Dalek, "I decided to e-mail ever-so-slightly-rewritten Ricky Martin lyrics to evangelical Christian websites and gathered a great deal of spiritual advice that might benefit dear old Ric." Heh, made us giggle. http://dominicself.co.uk/blog/index.php >> London to Brighton in 2 minutes << "I've made an homage", preens Robbie, "an 'omage to the 1983 BBC film: London to Brighton in 2 minutes." Woo, this is utterly fantastic. He's stuck a camera on the front of a train and sped up the footage, just like the video to The Cure's Jumping Someone Else's Train. If you are an arty fucker, you'll like this. http://www.lobsterpictures.tv/webcom/lonbri.php >> Weebl vs. Pacman << Jonti is obviously wanting to up the ad impressions on his site and to that end he's made a quick and dirty hack of Pacman featuring his characters. We weren't going to link to it, but then we played it and actually rather enjoyed his vocal stylings. http://www.weebls-stuff.com/games/ultimate+pie+the... ------------------------------------------------- : SHOW ME THE FUNNY, BBC Radio 4 and BBC7 Sponsored link Want your own radio series? Want to work with top comedy writers? What are you waiting for? SHOW ME THE FUNNY: Submission deadline 11th October. For more details: http://www.bbc.co.uk/showmethefunny ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK #2 Sleep, stop-motion and charity bike riding >> Sleepy commuters << "I made this film", mumbles Gilbert, "on the way to work and back." Woo. It features sleepy people in the morning, and then sleepy people in the evening. Probably a complete invasion of privacy, but quite charming nonetheless. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> DIY Computing << "Hello," splutters Leo, "I thought you might like this video that me and a friend made for a competition on 'thefirstpost.co.uk' To our surprise, we actually won it, and got 5 grand. It is technically an advert for a news site, but we don't work for an ad agency or anything, we just tried to make a nice short film." And indeed it is a good film, and we wish we could earn 5k for linking to it, you jammy shit. http://www.leobridlefilms.co.uk/video/firstpost-fl... >> Water Aid << "My brother is cycling across Australia," informs your Ginger Fuhrer, "He's raising money for Water Aid. Please, my lovely B3tards, sponsor him, as he doesn't actually believe that B3ta exists, and it would blow his mind to see loads of random names on his sponsor sheet." http://www.justgiving.com/DuncanManuel ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Oldies vs Computers Last week we asked for the heartwarming stories of old people encountering the wonderful world of computers. Or, judging by the raft of postings complaining about this, we wanted to propagate some tired old stereotype or something. Either way, in amongst the urban legends there's some lovely stuff: http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/ * THE FUTURE SOUND OF METAL "My mum found my old Commodore 64 in the loft with all the cassettes. Finding the album sleeves slightly reminiscent of early 80s heavy metal and the like, she slaps Eidelon into the family stereo and turns it up full whack, expecting some thunderous guitar noises. The all-out data screech of her hi-fi trying to read a commodore data tape made her punch the stereo so hard it broke. My Mum's 'ard." (Grrrmachine) * I'VE GOT THE FISH AGAIN "My mother is the world's biggest technophobe. At present I'd say she's probably reached the peak of her potential computer expertise, crouching over our cruddy family computer, typing with one finger and looking petrified as if the thing's going to blow up at any moment. This amazing proficiency is the result of an evening class at the local adult college. Holed up in a computer lab with several other technophobes, it must have been hell. Anyway, halfway through the first lesson there was a shriek from behind her computer. "There's a fish on my screen! How do I get rid of the fish? ARRRRGGHH!" It was the screensaver. Although the teacher patiently explained on several occasions that all one had to do was to move the mouse or something, my mother could never seem to remember this and constantly had to call him over because she'd "got the fish again." She's known as 'The Fish Lady'." (grandmasterfluffles) * DAD, YOU ARE AN IDIOT "My 4-year-old son made a "computer game" today using some kid k'nex (like the grown-up k'nex but chunkier) and a torch. He showed me how it worked by flashing the torch and making p-yow noises, as is the wont of most 4-year old boys when faced with anything vaguely gun-shaped. He asked me to have a go, and I dutifully p-yowed and flashed, only for him to look at me wearily, point at a separate pink piece of k'nex and say: "Daddy, you've got to click on the mouse." (Amish Information Systems) >> This Week's Question << We'd like your crushes. So far we're quite scared of the number of you who really quite like Moaning Myrtle and Papa Lazarou. Talk to us here: http://b3ta.com/questions/crushes/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Amazing paper art << Beautiful, thoughtful and even moving works of art all made from a single sheet of A4 paper. Blinding display of paper-folding skills from artist Peter Callesen. http://www.oncotton.co.uk/peter/index/index2.html >> "Ad men steal" shock << If you've caught yourself watching an advert and thinking that the design was vaguely familiar then this site is for you. It regularly flags up instances where designers have had their ideas blatantly ripped off by big business. Not to be confused with instances of designers being given fat cheques to have their ideas used in an ad. http://youthoughtwewouldntnotice.com/blog3/ >> Baby wigs << Babies all look the same. It's an unpalatable truth but there it is. Help yours stand out from the bald, mewling crowd with a 'personality' wig. Your own precious young one could be the one boasting a full head of Bob Marley/Islington ponce dreads. Fortunate child indeed. http://www.babytoupee.com/newsite/products_thelilk... >> Bush buttplug << Ah, satire at its finest - a model of George W. Bush to stick where the sun don't shine. To be honest, we think he looks more like Clinton, although that doesn't make us any more susceptible to his rubbery charms. http://fuknus.chrisdamitio.com/ >> Floral urinals << There might be something Freudian at work here, but these gents' urinals shaped like delicate blooms are rather lovely. Real flowers have special markings to make it easy for bees to find the centre - hopefully something similar will stop the drunkards missing the rim. http://www.clarkmade.com/urinals.html >> The goatse mushroom << Can anyone resist a mushroom that looks like an arse? The answer, of course, is that we cannot. Can you? http://naturenet.net/blogs/index.php/2006/09/28/fu... >> Nazi buildings << "I've found Hitler's secret American base!" crows GoldenNinjaWarrior. And indeed, the buildings at the US Navy base at Coronado are shaped like the famed Hakenkreuz of Nazi fame. Fact: The swastika was the symbol of the Boy Scouts, until they requested a redesign in 1935. Killjoys. http://snipurl.com/googlenazis ------------------------------------------------- : THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH Sleepy cat "There's recently been a distinct lack of the cute stuff in your newsletters," complains Angie, "so I thought I'd help fix that. Here's some pics of my cat Sophie - THE cutest in the World - I dare you to say she's not! Go on.....make cute Sophie famous." Not a problem Angie, we're happy to help. http://www.freewebs.com/angied0/sophiezonkedout.ht... ------------------------------------------------- : AMNESTY SECRET POLICEMAN'S BALL Sponsored link Amnesty are producing their first Secret Policeman's Ball for 15 years, featuring floppy-haired shagger Russell Brand amongst others. They've made four promo films; this one features a troupe of comedians purporting to audition hopefuls for the event. Although quite what celebs such as Christina Aguilera will make of lines such as, "I'd like to give her a lethal injection" is anybody's guess. http://www.amnesty.org.uk/secretpolice/pthplayer.a... ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO Youtube now valued at $1.5 billion? >> No-armed guitar << Footage of truly excellent armless guitarist Mark Goffeney busking in San Diego. He's better with his feet than we are with our hands, which is either inspiring or mildly discouraging. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Syd Barrett house << Legendary rocker Syd turned his back on fame and ended up living in a very ordinary suburban semi. He died in July and the house and its contents are coming up for sale. We like the loyal fan who proposes that Syd's appalling botch-job DIY be preserved as some sort of legacy for the nation. http://youtube.com/watch >> Tiny dancer << We can't tell if this little breakdancing dude is a child or a midget. However, his funky movements may be a side effect of someone grafting James Brown's head onto his spindly neck. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Homage to Pacman << A nostalgic treat with the circular retro-game hero doing his munchy thing set to exceptionally cheesey nineties rave. Featuring cameos from Mrs Pacman, the ill-conceived Pac-land and, surprisingly, Tron. http://snipurl.com/pacmanyeah >> Rocking baby << Cute child squealing and bopping about to brutal moshcore. Worth watching for a few seconds... http://www.break.com/index/baby_rocks_out.html >> High speed video << Always fun to watch bullets passing through everyday objects in slow-motion. This series, including bananas and water bottles, is laid out in a particularly exciting way and makes us even less keen than ever to be shot. http://video.google.com/videoplay ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Fuck me with a fork - it's back again >> High Tree Spackers << "Dear B3ta," trills new_matt, "on the way to work this morning I saw a lorry from this company. I don't know whether this is amusing or not, maybe you can decide?" Yep, that's funny alright. Textbook in fact. http://www.hightreespackers.com/ >> Vag Coiffure << "Last week's quim stuff has nothing on this," opines collapsibletank. http://snipurl.com/VagCoiffure >> S.L.A.G.S << "I was recently using a public toilet in Somerset," whimpers Richie G, "and saw an poster advertising a support group for homosexuals. However, it had the rather unfortunate name of the Somerset Lesbian And Gay Society." Heh, we suspect they might have chosen that on purpose, the naughty scamps. ------------------------------------------------- : ASK THE B3TARDS For when Google can't help >> Filthy Tramp << Last we we asked you about the trampy bloke is under Chiswick Flyover. Replies included: * "Christ Almighty! He had been there for about 6 years before I moved out of London - and that was in 1998. Respect to him for living there that long and not getting evicted." (house.fly) * "The tramp under the Chiswick flyover used to have an excellent sign which said 'Go forth and multiply you morons.' It made me smile every morning." (georgiejohnson) * "Spooner is infamous in the local area. He even has a website" (awardle) http://www.spoonthetramp.com/about.htm This week: - >> Insects and the Sun << "I have a question," barks General Arfarfarnarf, "If insects are attracted to the light in your house, why do they not, during the day, make a bee-line straight to the sun?" http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Hollywood Dyslexia Challenge Last week we wanted to see great movies wrecked by dyslexic screenwriters. Millions of you entered. Your favourites included: * DEL BOY - David Jason leaves Peckham for a new life with the United States’ Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (Mugatu) * A LINE - Ridley-Scott's science fiction masterpiece undone by a simple typo (The Great Architect) * DEBBIE DOES SALADS - Probably a real movie anyway. There's a sexual niche for everything these days... (wibblywobbly) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/ >> New challenge: Kid's Toys For Grown-Ups << Scalextrix. Action Man. Lego. Kids get all the best toys, then discover sex, booze and fags and leave them all behind. So let's update our childhood favourites and make versions for grown-ups... http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/grownups/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. STICKYPEDIA - a full bag this week (ho ho) on the Wikipedia spunk photo, including: * "Please tell me I'm not the only person who's spotted this. But that spunk looks exactly like the Statue of Liberty" (Escaped_monkey) * "That bloody Wikipedia sperm looks too much like the outline of Freddy Mercury from behind to be easily forgotten. I may never forgive you." (EasyCheese) BTW: We've photoshopped this up to make it clear for everyone. http://www.b3ta.com/board/6379972 And continuing the theme, we enjoyed this comment from the discussion page on Wikipedia, "We are looking, waiting for a better photo, but this will do for now." Sounds like a challenge for B3tards, can you get a better photo of man-glue onto the site? ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Drag the dot to the square Can you drag the dot through an increasingly complex maze of moving shapes? We can't, but then we're completely shit at computer games. BTW: This is loads better than it sounds. Trust us. http://wiredpope.com/sticks.html ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * SNAKE ESCAPOLOGY - tie a snake into various types of knots and see how long it takes to escape each one. * BEER/PEE RATIOS - If you drink 8 pints of lager, how much liquid will you pee out? Does it vary with the strength of the beer? * WIKIPEDIA ILLUSTRATIONS - B3tards to further illustrate Wikipedia. Maybe the page on urine needs a pint glass full of piss? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by GoldenNinjaWarrior, mithraea, The Virtual Ranger, gaijintendo, acid_kewpie, DeXien, charlesm, CCC, Monkeon Puromycin & P3te. Top Tippery by sunny_jimbob Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. B4ta is the woo. (Who knows or cares what this number is?) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: To get lovely, transparent ice cubes, use boiled water in the ice cube tray instead of just filling it from the cold tap. Much better than that cloudy shit. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive