we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "STINKY LINKY FROM OUR PINKY WINKY" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * GAME - Shag, marry or kill? * FLICKR - Print your photos as business cards * GOOD NEWS! - Message from Jesus ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Shag game, cards, Formby and Steel >> Marry, shag or kill << Hotornot, the web hit of yesteryear was based on the premise that all men on seeing a lady instantly make a rough rating on her sex appeal. Gilgamesh takes the idea one stage further by presenting you with three images and asking which ones you'd marry, shag or kill. We found the game surprisingly engrossing. And not just because your Ginger Fuhrer is in the list, and so far 42.0% of you want to shag him. http://kineticnorth.com/MarryShagKill/ >> Print your flickr cards << B3ta designer Denise has recently joined an internet start-up company called Moo, offering flickr users the ability to print out business cards based on their own photos. They look fantastic and almost every blog on the planet is linking to the news this week. Go girl! http://www.moo.com/ >> Ace of Spades Vs George Formby << "I made this!", crows goatboy2k, "George's version of the Motorhead classic." Woo. Kept us entertained whilst the kettle was boiling anyway. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Ace_of_Formby >> Danielle Steel title generator << "Oi B3ta, it's me again. The Record Store Cats blokey", mews c_kick, "Ever wondered how Danielle Steel finds the inspiration for her novels? I have cracked the Steel Code." http://ds.hnldesign.nl ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK Unexpected Good Fortune After weeks of wallowing in the disasters of your lives, we thought we'd find out about the times when things have finally gone right: http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectedgoodfortune/ * POSH TOILET ENCOUNTER "A fine summer's day, and my Croatian friend insisted we visit the "Henley Boating Fair". By the time we got to Henley, we were pretty mortal and shouting Slavonic curses at all and sundry, but we ended up in some form of hotel bar full of decent chaps with more than a passing resemblance to the Major in Fawlty Towers. Croatian was in heaven, discussing military techniques with the passion and knowledge that only stems from having recently participated in civil war. I slipped out to powder my nose. Bingo! Wallet on the floor of the cubicle, stuffed full of pink grannies (£50s to you BACS people). Opened the cubicle door to find a very drunk, very old Major type looking quite concerned. "I...I don't suppose you've seen a wallet anywhere, old chap?" he slurred. What to do? I handed the wallet back, and the old duffer's eyes lit up. "Damn good chap! Damn good chap! Come on, let's have a drink!". Spent the next 5 hours alternating between brandy and champagne, utterly wrecked we crashed out, only to staggered down for breakfast to find the old fella had paid our entire room and bar bill and left an envelope containing £100 with instructions to eat a decent luncheon. A true gentleman." (cowfoot ) * KIDDIE TOILET ENCOUNTER "Aged 8, me and my dad were in a pub and we needed the bathroom at the same time. At the urinals is a stranger. Just as I was beginning to let fly, the strange man said "Hi" to me. I looked at my dad, confused. Then back at the strange man, "Um... hi?" The man quickly said back, "You shouldn't talk to strangers!" This confused me, but he continued, "Luckily I'm a good stranger! I own a string of restaurants and am very rich." He then proceeded to pull out the FATTEST wad of cash you have ever seen, peel off a 20 pound note and hand it to me, then peel off another and hand it to my dad. "Put that in a bank and when you're older, you can open your own chain of restaurants," he said. I solemnly promised to take his advice. I spent it all the next day on sweets." (Black sky) * NOTHING TO DO WITH TOILETS "Yes! Last week, I put 40p in the vending machine at work, and not one but TWO Twixes came out. Best day ever." (Mikey_C) >> This Week's Question << We'd like you your stories of old people vs computers. Talk us through the inevitable here: http://b3ta.com/questions/oldpeoplevscomputers/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Ewokocalypse now! << Cast your minds back a few months and we mentioned Jerslater's blog 'How to Write Screenplays. Badly.' Specifically, an amusing post on pitching a script to Hollywood entitled 'Rape Bear'. We're also enjoying the rest of his blog - his writing on procrastination says it all better than we could. http://jerslater.blogspot.com/2006/09/on-writers-l... >> USB AA Batteries << Continuing the endless theme of "shortcut to marketing smash = make it USB" comes the rechargeable batteries that you can plug directly into your PC, no re-charger required. Quite frankly this is a genius idea, and if they didn't sell batteries so cheap in our local Woolworth's, we'd buy shares in the company. http://www.usbcell.com/ >> Flying saucer clouds << UFO nuts: Did you ever think that those strange shapes in the sky might be clouds? "Noooo!" you say, "I know what clouds look like." Think again, X-files fans. The truth is up there. http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca >> Message from Jesus << Good news! Jesus has appeared to eBay user xilliontherockopera and told him four secrets, including the bombshell news that cancer is "caused by biting our cuticles or biting our lips." You have the opportunity to buy the very notepad where our befuddled eBayer has scribbled his bipolar insights. http://snipurl.com/jesussecrets >> Wikipedia: Semen << We love Wikipedia, it's the finest flowering of collective human knowledge since the invention of the library. We also enjoy the odd little corners which might not have made it into the Encyclopaedia Britannica, including this page on ejaculate, illustrated by an anonymous Wikipedian's photo of his own spunk dripping off some nasty wallpaper. Way to go. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Semen ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Two-headed cat << We've all seen photos of two-headed kittens emailed from inbox to inbox, but here's a video of a living adult feline with plural faces. A cat for Cubists. http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/Two_Headed_Cat.htm >> Quizmania gaffe << For our readers who keep sensible waking hours, Quizmania is a show broadcast in the dead of night where punters phone in to grab the prizes. One of our favourite presenters is Greggles. His Butlins-style patter is sub-Shane Ritchie but we can't help but love him. Witness here his difficulty dealing with a woman who calls in and casually drops the fact that she had her legs cut off. Great stuff. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Quizmania_No_Legs_Caller >> Best rap video ever? << 'Weird Al' Yankovic is still best known in the UK for his 80s parody of Jacko's 'Beat It', entitled 'Eat It'. Hopefully things might change with this fantastic take on geek culture; 'White and Nerdy'. http://www.b3ta.com/links/best_rap_video_ever >> White Stripes Vs Simpsons << Forget Ricky Gervais's much-hyped but ultimately crappy appearance on the show, the smart money is on The White Stripes for the coveted "best Simpsons cameo" award. Props to the Michael Gondry parody guys. http://www.b3ta.com/links/White_Stripes_vs_Simpson... ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER Quim Trim Angela Shingler exclaims, "In Paris, Texas there is a shop called MINGE TAXIDERMY!" She's not fibbing, you know. Looks like a great place to get your muff stuffed. http://local.yahoo.com/details ------------------------------------------------- : ASK THE B3TARDS For when Google can't help >> Visible guffing << Last we we asked why you can't see your farts on a cold day the same way you can see your breath. Once again, we were deluged with answers and/or half-baked theories. Darkmogwai seemed fairly credible when he told us, "There are two factors to bear in mind here: "1. Breath coming from your mouth is taken directly from your lungs. Your lungs are naturally kept warm and extremely moist in order to continue functioning. Hence, the breath that emerges from your mouth is about 6% water at a temperature of 37 degrees. On the other hand, the environment of the lower intestine is considerably less moist, as will be the gas emerging from your anus when you parp. "2. The visibility of your breath in the air on a cold day is determined by two things - the coldness and the humidity of the air itself. The coldness is the most important of the two. But also, the more humid the air you're breathing out into, the more visible your breath. "So the answer is fairly self-explanatory - arse gas will not show up as well as breath in cold air, since the resulting mixture of arse gas/air will have a lower overall humidity and will not be as visible. "Having said all this, it's possible that in cold enough, humid enough conditions people will be able to tell you've farted from about 100 yards away due to the resulting cloud. But it would have to be REALLY humid." Phew. So that's that solved. Or is it? Daveoddysey weighed in with, "Ever seen a cow fart in chilly winter? I have - and their flatulence is highly visible. I can only conclude that the volume of gas must have a bearing on the ability of it to support moistness." >> Tramps << This week, Beddoes told us, "For well over ten years there has been a filthy tramp living under the flyover by Chiswick roundabout. He lives in a small box and has many different trampy propaganda signs aimed at the road. What's he all about?" We suspect the answer to this one won't be too easy to find on wikipedia... http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : HUMAN ZOO Camp bloke in red wellies Stuck for some lovely new wallpaper to brighten up your desktop? Thank this German pervert for putting the boot into bootiful. http://www.trend4rain.de/10.html ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Egg Challenge Last week we asked for anything egg-related. Yep, anything. Your favourites included: * ROD HULL - Uncovering the dark origins of one of UK comedy's great double acts (Monkeon) * SCOTCH EGG - The ingredients of Scotland's legendary junk food finally revealed (mrRush) * FERTILISATION - The secret lives of spermatazoa (Leningrad) All these images, and the highest as voted by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/egg/ >> New challenge: Holly Dyslexia << The plot is awesome, Hollywood's finest actors are in place, all we need now is a headline-grabbing, heart-stopping title to ensure big box office returns... so how could it all go wrong in a few little words? (suggested by The Great Architect) http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/dyslexia/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * B3TA MUMS ARE TOMORROW PEOPLE - blindmelon writes, "Re: Bullitt's mum. My mum was in the Tomorrow People too. She was Hsui Tai, who actually WAS one of the Tomorrow People and therefore is far cooler and could have Bullitt's mum in a fight. And she avoided being in the porn parody thing." Here's a photo of her in action if you're interested. She's kinda hot. http://www.effdee.demon.co.uk/tp/pics/hsuitai.htm * SCARY DUCK BOOK - niceonefranco chirrups, "Having followed last week's link regarding Scary Duck's new book, I was swiftly redirected to well-known literature-peddling site, Amazon. So far, so good. However, scrolling further down, I happened upon the 'Customers who viewed this item also viewed...' section, which included: Signing for Dummies, Overcoming Dyslexia for Dummies & Mormonism for Dummies." http://snipurl.com/scary_duck_book ------------------------------------------------- : FRIDAY GAME Geography test Think you know where your countries are? This Google Maps hack is testing to the point of making us feel stupid. http://www.mindpicnic.com/maps-quiz/ ------------------------------------------------- : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PRINT YOUR OWN WEBBY - fancy getting a bit of online attention and annoy all the right people? Why not build a 'Print Your Own Webby' application ? There's a blank form here. http://snipurl.com/webbyform * FREE CHILDCARE - we were looking at the childcare bills of the micro-fuhrer - £1300 per month! - and wondering how we could do it better. Our (admittedly bonkers) theory: Open a child modelling agency/nursery that only takes on pretty children. The placement is free, but all earnings go to the company. QUIDS IN! * PRO-CELEBRITY RICHARD HAMMOND RALLY - surely there's a tawdry little flash game in that? Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Top Tippery by google. Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Word to b4ta. (Big number - smaller number) ------------------------------------------------- TOP TIP: Clean your keyboard by putting it upside down on the top rack of your dishwasher. Use the short cycle, but don't use soap. Do not re-connect until completely air-dried. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive