we love the web email us go to messageboard newsletter archive home NEWSLETTER: "STICK THIS IN YOUR LINK HOLE AND SMOKE IT" next issue » « previous issue This Week: * VID - Rainbow remixed * SITE - Give me back my Google * URL HACK - TheTechGays.com ------------------------------------------------- ________ ____ __ ___ ____/ _)|_ // /_/ _ | ___/ _ |/_ > Sponsor B3ta << Want this space? Then talk to us. http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK Rainbow, Google and satirical URLs >> Rainbow Drum'n'Bass << Rainbow, your primer for three: * Kids' TV show from the 80s mostly now remembered for a notorious 'Christmas tape' full of inappropriate innuendo * UK rave-popsters The Beloved once sang, "Zippy, Bungle, Jeffry Archer, Hello" * Bungle was once arrested in a road-rage incident. 'Nuff facts? Well there's now one more: B3ta boarder ScreamingKettle has brought them into the early nineties with this nostalgic mash-up of the theme tune that just might make you do a sex-shit. We know we did. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Rainbow_Drum_n_Bass >> Give me back my Google << Back in issue 166 we asked you to make a version of the internet's favourite search engine that was stripped of all the crappy price compare sites that clog up the results if you're trying to buy a new TV. Bittern writes, "Better late than never, I made this especially for you, B3ta." http://www.givemebackmygoogle.com >> Homophobia or biting satire? << Dr.A barks, "Possibly you are aware of the company that provides warranty repairs for PC World and Dixons, PC Servicecall. Well, it recently changed its name to 'The Tech Guys'. In order to congratulate them for thinking of a childishly patronising name and alienating all their female staff in one fell swoop, I've registered thetechgays.com and pointed it at their site." OoOOoh, get her! http://www.thetechgays.com >> Rich-Tea challenge << Marky- informs, "Last week you asked 'How long would it take to drain an Olympic-sized swimming pool using only Rich-Tea biscuits?' So I decided to find out. Now you can impress your mates down the pub with your superior knowledge of 100% impractical Rich-Tea information." Heh, good stuff although sadly theoretical with no video. http://snipurl.com/richteachallenge ------------------------------------------------- : PLAYGROUND WATCH What the kids are singing about Britney today "Half a pint of chloroform Making Britney sleepy Rape her up the naughty hole Pop goes the pee pee" ------------------------------------------------- : QUESTION OF THE WEEK The worst journey in the world We wanted your worst ever journeys to make us feel better about spending 36 hours in Athens airport. There's some truly horrifying stuff here that's not for the squeamish, so we've picked out three that made us laugh: http://b3ta.com/questions/worstjourneyintheworld/ * FLYMO FLASHBACK "I was a travel-sickly child. My parents, being understanding souls, consequently dragged me round the country at speed on a regular basis - I saw very little of the countryside but loads of the sky from my position flat on the back seat trying to pretend we weren't moving. I was about 10. Dad's been away all week on a works thing and, as it's school holidays, Mum drags me out on the trip to collect him. 40 miles later, I'm green in the back, attempting to look pleased at return of absent parent whilst simultaneously swallowing rising vom. Dad sees my pallor and decides to speed up in an attempt to get home more quickly - cue tiny child in back seat: 'Can we stop?' Loud tut. 'No, I'm on a dual carriageway. Is it desperate?' Cheeks and eyes bulge dangerously in response. 'I can't stop' Dad rolls down the automatic back window, I stick my head out and win awards in projectile vomiting for England... ...there was this guy mowing the grass verge. He had no chance. I still wake up sometimes remembering his face as he saw us approaching." (cisco) * YOU MUST THINK ME AN AWFUL FOOL "Back in the days of slam door trains, on the last one from Waterloo, full of pissed biznizz people. The train stopped in the middle of nowhere. A biznizz man woke up: 'eh, what?' Picked up his briefcase, brolly, jammed his hat on and unsteadily opened the door and stepped out.There was a muffled thump. A bit later, a hat was thrown in, then the brolly, then the briefcase. Hands appeared and he hefted himself up, put his hat back on, picked up his stuff, said, 'you must think me an awful fool' and then stepped through the door on the other side." (mickturate) * EVERYONE LOVES AN AUDIENCE "Trying to insert a tampon on a train from Rotherham to someplace when the toilet door swung open to the busiest train you've ever seen..." (DebbiedoesdowntownDerby) Congratulations are also due to Arthmelow for blindly following directions from multimap.com and attempting to drive down this road: http://arthmelow.fotopic.net/p13973948.html >> This Week's Question << We'd like your moments of unexpected good fortune. Talk to us here, you spawny gits: http://b3ta.com/questions/unexpectedgoodfortune/ ------------------------------------------------- : SITES IN BRIEF Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates >> Best marketing ever? << Our official New Zealand correspondent, Ana, chirrups, "Tear into your tomato sauce sachet and rip off a kid's foot? Now that's how to clear the world of land-mines." Now, we know there's a joke about Heather McCartney here, but we're far too lazy to write it. Still, ballsy marketing though. http://snipurl.com/landminesauce >> Soviet-era mice << Ever wondered what computer mice looked like under communism? A bit shit is the unsurprising answer. Kinda fascinating in a geeksome way. BTW: The rest of the site is also worth a read, presenting the oddities of Russia for a Western audience. http://englishrussia.com/ >> Bird-feeder of doom << Are you the type of person who likes to feed birds, but doesn't want to look like a twitching wuss? Then why not mock the very birds you are feeding with a cat-shaped feeder? Great potential for photos. http://www.modernartisans.com/detail.aspx >> The Perry Bible Fellowship << "Having just googled it," whispers Monkeon, "I am glad to find out that my favourite comic strip, which is normally hidden away somewhere in one of the sub-sections of the Guardian, has its own website with loads of ones from the archive. If you haven't seen them before, these are bleeding great." He's right you know. Monkeon knows his stuff. http://www.pbfcomics.com/ >> Murder 2.0 << A new problem for social networking sites is that every so often, people being people, they murder each other. Then journalists google the names of the protagonists and find that they are members of popular websites. This drags the site into the newspapers with a heap of negative publicity. In this case we're talking Vampire Freaks and, a word to our readers, please don't kill anyone! We don't need this type of press. http://snipurl.com/gothnutters ------------------------------------------------- : VIDEO SCHMIDEO >> Swearing weather << Imagine you're a weatherman strutting your meteorological stuff on TV. Then you muck up your line. Do you apologise and carry on? Or do you let off a stream of expletives and then dumbly grin, knowing your career is over? We'd certainly choose the later and we're glad this guy did too. http://www.b3ta.com/links/Swearing_weather >> In the Brownies << In the 1970s bearded 'comedian' Billy Connolly had a novelty hit with a cover version of Tammy Wynette's heartbreaking mawk-fest D.I.V.O.R.C.E. His follow up single didn't capture the public's mood in quite the same way, but it still brings a few cheap giggles in B3ta HQ. http://www.youtube.com/watch >> Fat kid on roller-coaster << We're not sure what's funnier, the sheer terror of the child, or the fact his mother doesn't give a shit. http://www.youtube.com/watch ------------------------------------------------- : FUNNY NAME CORNER >> B-day Beyonce << How could a marketing department approve Beyonce's decision to call her new album B-Day? Hmm, let's check Wikipedia, "A bidet is a low-mounted plumbing fixture or type of sink intended for washing the external genitalia and the anus." She might as well called her CD, 'My stinky flaps'. http://www.beyonceonline.com/main.html >> Foxy Asso Bogroll << Winning the award for the best named arse-paper ever is the Italian product 'Foxy Asso'. http://www.flickr.com/photos/philchambers/23824056... ------------------------------------------------- : ASK THE B3TARDS For when Google can't help >> GPS vs. Speedometer << Last week we asked why GPS systems give a different speed reading to a car speedometer. We received over 100 answers, including this from Stalinism who wrote, "By law, speedos are allowed to over-read by up to 10%, but are not allowed to under-read (so you can never get away with speeding by claiming your speedo said you were within the limit). Therefore, they're usually set to over-read by somewhere around 5%, ensuring that they'll never under-read. GPSs measure how far you've actually gone over the last few seconds, and don't have the same rules that encourage over-reading. So if you're travelling at a constant speed, the GPS will be a more accurate measure. Obviously, if you're accelerating or braking, then it won't." Although Afinkawan pointed out, "Quite clearly you should believe your speedo as that's the one the you'll have to rely on in court next time you get caught doing 100mph." This week: - >> Visible farts << Munk asks, "If we breath out warm moist gas into cold air we can see our 'breath'. So why doesn't the same happen on a chilly day when we have a trouser burp? Surely, that too is warm moist gas?" http://b3ta.com/mailus/ ------------------------------------------------- : BOOK OF THE MONTH Scary Duck writes a book Scary Duck is one of our most committed Question Of The Week writers, frequently quoted in this newsletter. He's also the winner of The Guardian bestest blog compo. And now? He's written a book. He sent us a copy last night and we were too busy to read it as we were writing the newsletter but we chucked it at the official B3ta wife (who used to be a journalist and got a degree in English from top toffs' university Oxford) and she says, "lively writing style, funny stories about his youth, yep, it's good stuff." So there you go Mr Scary Duck, consider your book reviewed! http://snipurl.com/scary_duck_book ------------------------------------------------- : B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE Results from the Corporate Disasters Challenge Last week we wanted to see the murky results of inappropriate corporate take-overs. You delivered. Your favourites included: * LLOYDS FERRARI - Things get a little frisky as the black horse and the prancing horse get a little, well, horsey (thiswasmyclone) * SUPER MARIO BANK - If nothing else, cash machines would be a lot more fun (Monkeon) * MICROSOFT KWIK-FIT - Bill Gates brings Windows customer care techniques to the exciting field of automotive repair (Pachey) All these images, and the highest as voted for by you can be found here: http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/corporate_disasters/ >> New challenge: Egg << The theme of this week's challenge is based on a single word: Egg. Yep, anything to do with eggs. Do whatever you like. But always remember the central theme: Egg. http://www.b3ta.com/challenge/egg/ >> Your challenge ideas << We want your image challenge ideas. Then we want you to vote on the challenges suggested by other people. It's easy. http://www.b3ta.com/questions/imagechallenge/ ------------------------------------------------- : WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Follow-ups on previous stories. * TOMORROW PEOPLE PR0N - "Imagine my shock and disgust on reading last week's newsletter 245 only to discover that the filthy little mind of Blackmoon had turned my Mum's caravan in the Tomorrow People into a brothel!" bellows bullitt. "I'll be sending him my counselling bills!" Yes, Bullitt's mum was in the Tomorrow People. "She's only in two episodes, but she gets a special mention on the DVD box," he continues. "I look forward to this week's newsletter, hopefully not involving any more members of my family! * MTV FAN MAIL - "Just wanted to say thanks", writes Rusty Shackleford,"for putting my animation in last week's newsletter 'When I am king this is what will be on TV'. MTV got in touch earlier this week and asked me to make one for them, and without B3ta's exposure there's no way MTV would have been interested. Cheers guys." BTW: If you've made a clip you want on MTV send them to [email protected] * CREATIVE SWEARS - "Insert the word Catamite into any basic swear," advises Son of Spock. "For example, you might say, 'fuck of you dirty shit catamite'." ------------------------------------------------ : STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE Make something cool and tell us about it. If you are in it then people will see your stuff. Things we'd really like to see include * PAT BUTCHER "MONG" - Hankster has captured a classic bit of telly, with the Eastenders' earring-queen saying on of the best words ever. Now we want it mixed to a hardcore beat and synced to video. http://b3ta.com/links/Pat_Butcher_In_Mong_Shocker * WIMBLEDON PONG would be excellent - please somebody make this as a game: http://www.b3ta.com/board/5053453 Send contributions via the mail form. http://www.b3ta.com/mailus/ BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't been featured then don't be put off - we look at everything you send us. ------------------------------------------------- Subscribe: [email protected] Unsubscribe: [email protected] ------------------------------------------------- THANKS: This issue was written by Rob Manuel with David Stevenson. Stuff sent in by BiggsteR, edoze, Just Harry, hahn, dazsnow, daniel.roberts Top Tippery by myhouseandgarden.com Additional linkage and image challenge by Fraser Lewry. Poetry by Gilgamesh. Mike Trinder is QOTW bloke. Yay to b4ta. (110530 - 43248) ------------------------------------------------- TIP: Got blueberry stains on your clothes?. Soak the fabric for long time in sour milk rinse and wash warm as normal. next issue » « previous issue Newsletter We run a free weekly B3TA email reporting on the coolest stuff on the net. _____________________ [ go ] -------------------- THIS WEEKS HEADLINES -------------------- * TYPE-IN MAGAZINE - LAUNCHED FOR YOUR FINGERS * AI SLOP - GET READY TO OINK FOR IT, PIGGIES * GET WELL SOON - WISHING WELL TO DAVE BAGPUSS READ LATEST ISSUE archive